How to help friend - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Thread Tools
#1 of 5 Old 07-29-2013, 09:54 PM - Thread Starter
AAK's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Eastern Washington
Posts: 3,088
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 18 Post(s)

A close friend is getting a divorce.  This is unexpected.  Not just by me; my friend didn't expect this either.  Any "been there" advice regarding how I can help/support her?



Mom to three very active girls Anna (14), Kayla (11), Maya (8). 
AAK is online now  
#2 of 5 Old 07-31-2013, 10:46 PM
momasana's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,259
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

A good friend of mine went through an unexpected divorce a few years ago. I found the best thing was to just be there. I would go to her house and just sit with her. I'd bring her a coffee or a smoothie and she'd drink it or not. I'd take her dogs for a walk and ask her to come, sometimes she'd come, sometimes not. She was a zombie for many weeks but I never pushed her to do or say anything. I was just THERE. Sometimes she would cry, sometimes she would rage, sometimes we'd watch a movie and act like nothing was wrong.  Eventually she came around and started talking about things and asking for advice/help/etc.  In the early stages it wouldn't have done any good to ask her what she needed because I don't think she knew what she needed.


Every situation is different so your friend may need different things but regardless of specifics,  I think being a consistent presence is the best thing you can do as a friend.


hug2.giffor you and for your friend.

momasana is offline  
#3 of 5 Old 08-02-2013, 08:25 AM
Linda on the move's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,697
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 76 Post(s)

I had a friend go through this too. I just practiced active listening. Her moods swung pretty widely for quite a well, which is understandable. She needed money so I gave her some.


I think it is important to not question what led up to the end, or if with hindsight she can see when things went wrong. I think there is a pattern for some women who find divorce really scary, and they want to hear if there were signs ahead of time so that they will know what to be on guard for in their own relationships. I think this a completely inappropriate response to someone who is in shook. We can't allow someone else to process their own stuff if we need -- at any level -- for them to assure us that it could never happen to us.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is offline  
#4 of 5 Old 08-02-2013, 08:35 AM - Thread Starter
AAK's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Eastern Washington
Posts: 3,088
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 18 Post(s)

Thanks both of you.  I simply want to be "there" for my friend.  She is usually outgoing, but has kinda locked herself away because of this.  I don't want her to think I have any expectations of her.  I just want her to know that she has us and is not alone.  I have no intention of questioning her, I think that would be cruel.  



Mom to three very active girls Anna (14), Kayla (11), Maya (8). 
AAK is online now  
#5 of 5 Old 08-03-2013, 01:48 AM
meemee's Avatar
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,786
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 22 Post(s)

i have been in her shoes. and since then i have been the support of other friends in the same shoe too.


i think though the idea that it comes as a surprise i dont believe in. perhaps like me she denied the signs - she saw the cracks but would not admit to them. 


Being there is the key. I had some friends come thru who were there for me. that was huge. those friends who i could call at 1 am coz i was having a panic attack - that's when it hits. or as i pumped milk at work and cried, had a friend sit with me to stop me crying. 


also be understanding. she might be rude or brusque sometimes. dont take that personally.


go with your gut feeling. if she needs to get out of the house, she probably does. go over and go for a walk. exercise and new surroundings help greatly.


if she has kids offer to baby sit when she has to run errands. 


you can help in so many little ways that will make a huge difference to her. 


know it will take time. it took me almost a year to gather my strenght. i relied on my friends heavily in the beginning but i was ok after teh first few months. 

 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is offline  

Quick Reply
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:


Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off