Feeling angry today. - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 6 Old 02-15-2014, 05:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
happyday8598's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Western MA
Posts: 500
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)

Angry, and unheard. I'd love to vent here. Hope y'all don't mind!
 

My partners ex and I aren't friends. Actually we quite hate each other. They have a child together, so contact between them needs to exist, and, really, ought to be pleasant enough. It's not. She calls the shots, and he happily abides. 

 

A few months back she sent me an e-mail stating that I was not to enter her driveway when he drops their son off, and if I did, she would call the police on me for trespassing. I really have no desire to go to her house, but *sometimes* it works out that I do. Sometimes we're out and about together, and when it comes time to drop said child off, I happen to be there. Sometimes we have plans to do something after he drops his son off, and her living 40 minutes away makes it convenient for me to go for the ride. I never leave the car, and really don't care to.

Last night when she dropped their son off, instead of waiting in the driveway for him to greet them (as has been the process for 5 years!), she decided to walk her son in. And I literally mean walk right into the house... No knocking, no invitation. She is not welcome here, especially when there is strife between us. I let her know this via text, and her response was her typical bitchyness. I let my partner know that this was a boundary of mine, and I would really appreciate it if he could uphold this boundary. He has a workshop space that he rents in the house we're renting with a separate door, and if it was really important that she come inside to drop this boy off, then that's where the exchange should be. 
He didn't jive with this, and called me childish and small. I agree that we need to work on our relationship (the ex and I), but until we do, I would appreciate that sanctity of my home be upheld, and not to bring that/her energy into it.

Then I got to thinking, and got even more pissed off. Yes, this is my fault, but my partner doesn't pay anything to live here. I pay the rent and the utilities. I tend to buy the food, the toilet paper, and tooth paste. The gall of him to take from me, and then not respect my boundary! He has a job that has him leaving for 4 days of the week on most weeks (recently), and comes home and gives his money to her for child support. When I ask him to take me out to dinner or a nice treat like that, he complains that he doesn't want to spend money. 

And this is where I'm stuck. And angry. At myself, at him, at her. I'm angry that I've let this dynamic happen between us, and I'm angry that I can't express this to him because of my own fears that if I ask him to start contributing that he'd just choose to find another place to live. 


Thanks for the space to vent. Now how do I grow?


happyday8598 is online now  
#2 of 6 Old 02-15-2014, 04:29 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,591
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 9 Post(s)
Do you and your partner have children together?

My feeling is that he's showing you who he is, and it's up to you to decide if that's what you want in your life. This drama with the ex (as ridiculous as she's being with her double standard about not allowing you in her driveway but then walking right into your home -- how bizarre and frustrating that must be!) is never going to go away, and he's probably never going to handle her the way you wish he would.

So, assuming things won't change, is this what you're willing to accept?
fruitfulmomma likes this.

DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is online now  
#3 of 6 Old 02-15-2014, 06:55 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,858
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

The poor child who is caught in the middle of all this.  I know it's hard, but if you could be the bigger person and at least pretend to welcome her, perhaps that would be easier for all of you.


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#4 of 6 Old 02-15-2014, 07:20 PM
 
mariamadly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,457
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 43 Post(s)
Quote:

Originally Posted by happyday8598 View Post
 

[snipped]


And this is where I'm stuck. And angry. At myself, at him, at her. I'm angry that I've let this dynamic happen between us, and I'm angry that I can't express this to him because of my own fears that if I ask him to start contributing that he'd just choose to find another place to live


Thanks for the space to vent. Now how do I grow?

 

To me, your issue seems less like the ex violating boundaries and more like your partner is the one doing so.  I think it's more important whether you choose to have him find another place to live.  That might be a good place to start -- to figure out why your needs are secondary to keeping this man living off with you.


Empty-nesting SAHM to DS1 (1989), DS2 (1992), an underachieving Bernese Mountain Dog (2006-2014), and an overachieving mother (1930).  Married to DH since 1986.
mariamadly is online now  
#5 of 6 Old 02-15-2014, 09:17 PM
AAK
 
AAK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Eastern Washington
Posts: 3,047
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by happyday8598 View Post
 

Angry, and unheard. I'd love to vent here. Hope y'all don't m

And this is where I'm stuck. And angry. At myself, at him, at her. I'm angry that I've let this dynamic happen between us, and I'm angry that I can't express this to him because of my own fears that if I ask him to start contributing that he'd just choose to find another place to live. 


Thanks for the space to vent. Now how do I grow?

I would expect him to pull his own weight and contribute to the household or leave.  I see this happen a lot and I rarely see it work out well.  Generally, one person ends up walking all over the other in the relationship.  You will not be respected as long as you allow this to continue.  It isn't like he is a stay at home parent, or something similar in which one person would be expected to carry the financial responsibility.  

 

However, if you decide to stay in the relationship, then I guess you have to be a "fake bitch" when the ex is around.  Pretend to be happy to see her much as you would a prospective client that you don't really care for. 

 

Amy


Mom to three very active girls Anna (14), Kayla (11), Maya (8). 
AAK is online now  
#6 of 6 Old 02-16-2014, 04:40 AM
 
Springshowers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,582
Mentioned: 3 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 24 Post(s)
You deserve better than a partner who won't contribute or help set boundaries with his ex.

I think you need to set some rules with him to get him contributing half of expenses (or less of you make significantly more) and seeing boundaries with his ex to not come in your house.. If he walks then it wasn't the relationship you need. Better to find out now than ten years from now. I just ended a relationship with ten years of total financial inequity. The resentment built and destroyed everything. So making some changes now might actually save your relationship.
Springshowers is online now  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off