Responsiblities of a family member that lives with you (Advice) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 10 Old 03-06-2014, 12:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone, I will try and make this short,

 

My sister (early 20's) have lived with my family(Me, DH, DS7, DD5, DS3) for about a year and a half. I personally don't like to have to ask people to do stuff that I feel they should know they should do but over time DH has asked me to tell her 1. To take shorter showers (she use to take like 30mins hot showers twice a day, we pay for water and heat). That is the one thing that she has done constant, even going down to one day for like 5/10mins in the winter time.

 

2. Help clean the bathroom - At the time we had 2 full time bathrooms, so only she and 2 of my kids used it. So I also cleaned it. But she will only clean it when it is bad and then just the tub not the whole room, sometimes just the toilet. But I will mostly do it and she do it once every 5 weeks the most and just parts of it.

 

So we then moved and in a house with 1 fullbath and a half. DH recently ask me to ask her to help out twice a month to do it. She did it good once, then started back with the half @$$ and just cleaned in side the tub and not even the rims of the tub where you but soap and shampoo. I also fully clean it(but there is six of us, so that means at least once a week it needs to be cleaned).

 

3. Help with the dishes. This is DH most pet peeve. In the first rental, he wanted her to help with the dishes, she did, then she stopped mostly and use to do it now and then. In the new apt. she doesn't do the family dishes. She says she washes the stuff she uses. Problem is that DH sees her stuff in the sink and there have been pots or frying pan that we left there for 2 days and she didn't get to it. She would take dishes up to her room and it can stay there for a couple of days. One time we couldn't even find forks because she had them ALL in her room. Sometimes it seems like she washes her dishes when she notice all the dishes are clean and when they are not sneaks her dishes in.

 

DH consider this disrespect and for her age she should know better. He recently took a box and put some utensils, pots and stuff in it and took it to her room and explained to her that these are hers and that she can still use the our things down stairs but it needs to be washed ASAP. (this was after he notice that she had dirty cups, and a bowl in her room and we come down make something, use a next bowl all while not cleaning what she had in her room.)

 

Washing and cleaning is not something that my sister is not use to. We have the same parents and we both had to do the family dishes everyday, clean the bathroom once a week, wash our parents cars once a week, clean our rooms, clean the living room and computer desk once a week, you get the point. We was raised with chores and we did them. That is also why DH finds it hard that she doesn't even care or think to do these simple things, which is not even 1/4th of what she was doing in our parents house. (My sister and I are 9 years apart so all the chores I mention above was us doing it solo, We have a brother but he did the outside work).

 

I am not sure weather to think the dishes part DH did was petty or if he was right. It feels weird around the house now. I am not sure if to also talk to her about not taking it harshly or what, but right now the impression DH has is that he wouldn't want her to stay with us again.

 

I guess I let things slide more because I get to leave the youngest child with her when I take the other two to karate(twice a week, we are gone for like 1 1/2 - 2 hours). Or if she is home and I need to go some where quick I can leave the kids, usually I don't go for more than 2 hours and those are rare moments only the karate is a weekly thing.

 

So I guess you can give your advice of what you think. Is it unreasonable to expect certain things, did DH go overboard or do I need to be more strict.

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#2 of 10 Old 03-06-2014, 02:08 PM
 
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Ugh, I've been there, got the tshirt.  My dh's sister lived with us when she was in her early 20s.  I insisted that she move in with us so she could get away from her crazy parents.

 

I was pregnant, so I was a little insane, but I felt horribly disrespected when she would leave her dishes behind for someone else to do.  I was so completely offended that I would give her a place to live, feed her, let her use my car and she couldn't even be bothered to do the dishes.  

 

Dh laid it out there for her.  Do the dishes, if you see a single spoon in the sink, wash it.  It pisses my wife off and reasonable or not, just do it.  Things got a lot better after that.  Crazy?  Maybe, but it was such a big deal to me because I had already given up space and been beyond generous, the least she could do was wash the darn dishes.  

 

So talk sister to sister, don't say if you agree or disagree with your husband, but make it clear that you need her to do whichever things you decide to ask her, to make everyone's life easier.

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#3 of 10 Old 03-06-2014, 11:10 PM
 
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I am with your husband on this one; I don't think that it is petty or unreasonable to make her clean up after herself. Sure, she helps out with childcare, that's nice, but that doesn't mean that someone else should clean her messes :D

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#4 of 10 Old 03-07-2014, 08:32 AM
 
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Your house, your rules.  EVERYBODY helps keep it clean.

 

Why is she living with you?  Does she go to school?  Work part-time?

 

If she doesn't like the rules, she can move out and find somewhere else to live.

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#5 of 10 Old 03-07-2014, 12:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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She goes to college right now. It was cheaper on my parents if she stayed with us. My parents are supporting her with school and other stuff until she gets her degree.

Yea, is our house. I guess I like to avoid conflict between my family but this is something she needs to learn. Especially if staying with people.

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#6 of 10 Old 03-07-2014, 12:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamalisa View Post
 

Ugh, I've been there, got the tshirt.  My dh's sister lived with us when she was in her early 20s.  I insisted that she move in with us so she could get away from her crazy parents.

 

I was pregnant, so I was a little insane, but I felt horribly disrespected when she would leave her dishes behind for someone else to do.  I was so completely offended that I would give her a place to live, feed her, let her use my car and she couldn't even be bothered to do the dishes.  

 

Dh laid it out there for her.  Do the dishes, if you see a single spoon in the sink, wash it.  It pisses my wife off and reasonable or not, just do it.  Things got a lot better after that.  Crazy?  Maybe, but it was such a big deal to me because I had already given up space and been beyond generous, the least she could do was wash the darn dishes.  

 

So talk sister to sister, don't say if you agree or disagree with your husband, but make it clear that you need her to do whichever things you decide to ask her, to make everyone's life easier.

 

The funny thing with us is that I do the dishes and clean the bathroom but DH is the one laying out the rules what she needs to do(He does help with dishes though and he knows when things are missing especially if it is for a few days). He feels she needs to grow up some.

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#7 of 10 Old 03-07-2014, 12:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by grisandole View Post
 

I am with your husband on this one; I don't think that it is petty or unreasonable to make her clean up after herself. Sure, she helps out with childcare, that's nice, but that doesn't mean that someone else should clean her messes :D


Especially when I have 3 kids & DH messes to deal with. I just wish I didn't have to keep telling an adult simple things what they should do, I feel like it is nagging sometimes even though it is not

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#8 of 10 Old 03-07-2014, 03:30 PM
 
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I've been there too; my adult stepson lives with us for several months soon after the birth of my son. I was having a hard time as a new mom, just trying to take care of myself. It was hard to not take my stepson's mess making personally, and it has affected our relationship, as I still feel like he disrespected me and my home.
Have you told her how it is affecting you emotionally?
I remember my early 20s as being a little difficult as far as feeling confident about meeting responsibilities. I don't think I really knew how to take care of my space efficiently yet.
Is she happy to be living with you? Is she feeling good about her situation in life? Sometimes showing a lack of care for your stuff, or others stuff, and space shows a deeper issue.
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#9 of 10 Old 03-12-2014, 08:02 PM
 
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Post a chore chart on the fridge, with the rota of who is responsible for what.  It just is not reasonable to say, I am only going to wash my own dishes.  Sit down with your sis and say, we need to all work together to keep the house clean, and then lay it all out.  You can negotiate who does what and when, so maybe one week you do all the dishes and she cleans both bathrooms, and then the other she does all the dishes and you clean both bathrooms.  When I was in college, that is how my roommates and I did it.


Wife to M , Mommy to DS aka Captain Obvious  (06/06) and DD aka Lissalot  (03/09, anoxic brain injury)
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#10 of 10 Old 03-12-2014, 09:23 PM
 
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I would sit down with her and establish a contract.  She gets to live at your house if she does xxx, xxx, and xxx.  Talk with her to decide what those items are and the frequency that she does them.  Three strikes and she's out.  She's 20 years old, not 8  She needs to learn about the responsibilities involved with taking care of a home and being an adult.  If she can't handle helping out with basic housekeeping tasks, then she needs to find somewhere else to live.

 

It sounds like her current responsibilities consist of watching the kids for about 4 hours a week.  If you paid a babysitter to do the same thing, that would probably be about $50 (adjust depending on the prices in your area).  I'm sure it costs more than $50 a week to provide housing, utilities, food, household supplies, etc. for her.  She needs to do more to earn her keep and help her learn about being an adult. 

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