weird behavior at a funeral, please make me feel better by sharing what you experienced ... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 34 Old 04-20-2014, 11:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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there's some family drama that i'm still in the process of recovering from, regarding a family funeral ...

so i figured it would help me to distance myself from the hurt i still feel about it

... if i could read more about other people experience of family drama at a funeral,

that way i could feel not so lonely & maybe the repetitive effect of reading other's stories could lessen the horriefied feelings i 'm presently going through ....

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#2 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 06:42 AM
 
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I don't have any funeral drama stories at all but I couldn't read and not comment. I hope others share.  I hope the horrified feeling you keep experiencing subsides rapidly and disappears entirely. 

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#3 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 07:15 AM
 
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I haven't been to too many funerals but have managed to stay clear of any family drama. However my husband's aunt tried to create some at her father's funeral when her uncle wanted to leave the funeral right after the burial instead of going to the reception because he had to bury his own wife the next day. Apperantly he wasn't grieving enough for his brother by doing that.

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#4 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 07:18 AM
 
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Sorry something bad happened to you, especially at an emotional event such as a funeral.

 

Our family doesn't "do" funerals.  Except, when my mil died, fil had to have a funeral as he (and, she) was Catholic and he knew no other way.  It was a pitiful affair, a couple of days after Christmas and only a few people attended, out of courtesy (huge snowstorm here and nobody could come from the east coast).  Dh said it was sadder than if there had been no service.  I was ill and attended to our ds (age 4) out in the foyer, not stepping into the church at all.     

 

When each of our 3 remaining parents died, there was no service. 

 

I do not attend the funerals of anyone.  I send a note, of course and, possibly, a requested donation (but, only if it is a charity I approve of).  When a dear friend of ours was killed in the current Afghan war, we attended the funeral (he was the son of our neighbors and we felt we couldn't avoid this one).  But, when the priest began talking about how our friend's life was so much better, now that he was in heaven, I, literally, almost threw up and had to leave the church.  No, his life is NOT better now.  He was young, had his life ahead of him with a lovely fiancé.  Now he is dead.  I'm not knocking those who believe in a hereafter, it's just that we don't.

 

For me, and my family, no ceremony or public display of our grief is desired or needed.  We are not religious, so no sacrament is involved.  Our grief is very personal and not up for public consumption.

 

When I die, there will be no funeral.  Same for dh.  Ds will make such a decision when he is an adult and we would abide by his wishes.  But, I would not attend any service.  I don't know about dh.  If he wanted to, I would not try to change his mind.

 

I hope you recover from the hellish drama you witnessed.

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#5 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 12:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you for sharing your experience...

 

i wasn't actually present, won't be going (am in another country)

but i still grieve for the trauma that the other DIL in the family is going through

(she's the one who's been now told that she's on the "secret list" of those banned from attending the church service ....)

 

... because it could have been me  ....actually, ... "they" think i don't know about my BIL passing away & am probably also on the secret list ..... but my DH having health issues, he won't be travelling, even though it's his sister who's become a widow ... he doesn't read his e-mail so i don't think he knows - i know one brother e-mailed him the news on the day,- ... "they" make a point of not e-mailing ME about it (but then SIL asked me if i knew ...so i do know ....i mean, ... i did e-mail MIL a month ago to ask why she wasn't giving any news about the brain tumor operation that was to be taking place ... so that DH wouldn't feel too cut out from family news ....)

 

+ with all the added drama, it's quite likely SIL is going to divorce (there were issues beforehand though ....)

I had written condoleances letters for the parents of BIL ... but now that SIL is not going, she won't be able to pass them on in person

(and the sad truth is that i don't trust my husband's siblings or mother to pass them on to the parents of the deceased BIL ... & have been wondering if they are or not on the "secret list" too ????)

 

SO, reading your post, grahamsmom98 ... did me a lot of good & reminded me that we don't "have to" be "doing funerals" after all ....

if it's to mix with people behaving in such a way .... it's indeed preferable to run away in another direction !!!!!

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#6 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 12:30 PM
 
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Minor-league drama from MIL about ten years ago when my father died.  First of all, she went to the service.  That sounds civilized and innocuous, but the background is that I was raised Catholic and MIL (and late FIL) are atheists.  They refused to attend our religious wedding ceremony.  So when she showed up to the funeral mass, I could only conclude that she'll attend if she's pleased about the outcome.  <Puts Snarky MariaMadly back in her pen.>

 

After the graveside service we had a lunch here at home which was attended by a few friends and MIL.  She has some dietary restrictions and kept asking me questions about the ingredients in the different foods that were out (some breads, cold cuts, cheeses, a couple of soups, I think a few more things).  Full disclosure here, my thinking is, if you're restricted in what you can eat and going to something like that, take some food along so you're sure to have something.  I say that as the mother of two young men with life-threatening food allergies.  So MIL asks me about what's in the foods, and I was pretty dazed and had to tell her I didn't know and wasn't really up for figuring it out.  She pushed with a couple of follow-up questions until I shrieked at her that "I can't take care of you today!"

 

So I guess some of the drama came from me.  I wish I hadn't lost it, but it's certainly an example of how death and its observances can take their toll on people.  I am so, so sorry for your family's loss and all the other worries you're carrying.


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#7 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 02:04 PM
 
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I can't even follow that post, but those people sound nutso. Can't blame you for keeping your distance. 

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#8 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 06:59 PM
 
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The "secret list" business sounds sad and frustrating. If people are going to cut out family members and not associate with them, they could at least do it with a shred of decency (if such a thing can be said) and do it frankly and openly - own the decision! Being passive aggressive usually makes a bad situation worse. Sucks that you have to deal with it. 

 

And I don't have a bad funeral story, but that's exactly what bothers me. My in law family in no way acknowledges death, and it aggravates me to no end. When my GMIL died after a long illness, nothing. No funeral, no mass (half Catholic family/half non-religious), no family dinner. Nothing. Same thing with my uncle in law (my MIL's twin, no less!) passed, after a long illness. It's like people die, and then they just cease to exist. No one talks about them anymore. It's like they never were. And this is so wrong to me. I'm not a public mourner, but I do think there is something to be said about a family coming together privately to celebrate the life of the deceased and have a mark of closure. 

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#9 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 08:02 PM
 
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Perhaps it will help if you think about what your relatives might be feeling right now. Are they frightened perhaps? No matter how deep our spiritual life is, when someone close to us dies we are forced to face the deepest mysteries of life. When my father was ill, his second wife chose not to tell me. I didn't know he was dying until she called to tell me he was gone. Then she suggested I not come to the funeral because it might be too much for me. She neglected to tell me that all of my parents friends, who were like aunts and uncles to me, would be there on the night before the actual funeral but not at the funeral itself, so I missed the comfort of seeing all of them and found myself alone at the funeral with his angry, hostile widow. So, I guess I know a little bit about strangeness and drama at funerals.

A wise friend listened to the list of devastating things she said to me. I was outraged, hurt and completely caught up in the drama. He said "She just lost her husband. She was raving. Why would you pay any attention to what she said?" But I did. And I was deeply wounded as a result.

Hindsight is always 20/20. If I could go back to that day I would try to take myself out of the drama. I would see her for the terrified, powerless older woman that she was. My father was her second husband. Before meeting my father she had lost both her first husband and her only child and now she was alone facing a grief she was all too familiar with. The people she had loved the most in her life were all gone and she was angry and confused about why this had happened to her. She was terrified of going through the pain of grief yet another time and of facing her 70s alone. This doesn't excuse the cruel things she said, but it helps me to understand. Frankly, it takes away the power she had to hurt me.

I know how easy it is to be hurt by bizarre in-laws and general family dysfunction. It's not easy to do, but the best thing we can do when we are confronted with hurtful behavior is to remove ourselves from the drama. Look at the people who are creating the drama and try to see their vulnerability. Are they angry? Frightened? Lonely themselves? Even deeply religious people have thoughts and feelings which are difficult to deal with when a family member dies. It's possible to see their vulnerability, and the silliness they're putting you through, but still protect yourself from emotional abuse. Don't let them get inside your thoughts. The image comes to mind of that beautiful movie where the nanny holds the child she takes care of in her arms and says "You is kind, you is smart, you is important." Repeat a similar incantation in your own mind. Cloak your heart in warm and loving words to protect it. Forgive them their craziness but don't allow it to touch you or your children. Our children absorb how we deal with our nutty relatives and they make it a part of themselves. They internalize our reactions and they repeat these patterns themselves years later. Knowing this can make us stronger and more able to remove ourselves from drama. Imagine how you would want your own daughter to cope with a similar situation and try to model that for her. It will make you strong.

You are good. You are strong. You are a good mother. I am sorry for your loss. On behalf of the beautiful universe we are all a part of, as one small voice I apologize for the fact that you have to go through this.  

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#10 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 08:09 PM
 
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P.S. I think you're doing the right thing by trying to distance yourself from the hurt. Reaching out in a forum where you know you will find support is a great thing to do. Very wise. 

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#11 of 34 Old 04-21-2014, 11:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you for your conforting words, i'm going to read and read them again ....

 

my problem is that .... 16 years ago, the now widowed family member started creating a lot of trouble at one family wedding (the bride subsequently fled, not 2 years later ...) and ever since i've been saying that  .... past traumatic events are not a free pass to poison everybody's life now (as in "it's not my fault" & "this and that happened to me when i was younger so you cannot say anything to me & i can be as much as an a*****ole as i want " ...) & why can't these people see some health care professionals to come to term with their issues  .......   instead of poisonning the life of the various spouses of the siblings ????

 

it's just that the accumulated stress IS ending up causing some major illness, ... i know that it cannot be said that cancers and tumors are caused by stress alone .... but i DO think that my immune system and that of the BIL who passed away were seriously damaged with all the stressors that accumulated when having to deal with these people ....

 

you are right Claudi, this

Cloak your heart in warm and loving words to protect it. Forgive them their craziness but don't allow it to touch you or your children.

is the way forward for me ....

it doesn't come naturally so i'll have to work at it !

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#12 of 34 Old 04-22-2014, 06:18 AM
 
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I can relate. I lived through a similar familial dynamic. One family member was extremely judgmental, particularly of the spouses. He was judgmental of his own children as well. Very deep wounds were opened and I can still see the effects of the constant criticism.

 

This is what I learned from the experience. It may or not have any bearing on your situation, but I'm sharing it in the hope that perhaps it might help somebody who is reading this thread:

 

It's easy to berate yourself for "allowing" the drama or getting pulled into it; for not defending yourself; or for falling silent when someone says something cruel to you. But the truth of the matter is that it's impossible to argue with crazy. It's normal to react with bewilderment to an unwarranted attack or to not know what to do. We all want warm and loving families. Sometimes we just don't know how to respond when our families behave otherwise. At one point very late in the game, I made the decision to quietly respond to the person who was instigating all of the drama as I would to a person who was certifiably mentally ill. Instead of arguing, or crying, when he said something abusive I looked at him as a person with a mental illness and responded accordingly.

 

Protect your children. Does the family member abuse you, your spouse, or your sisters and brothers in law? If so they no longer get to see the grandchildren. Children are hurt when they see their parents spoken to in an abusive way. 

 

Don't let the abusive person control your relationships with the rest of the family. Extend invitations to the relatives you like and get along with which do not include the drama queen. Foster and strengthen ties with one another. Don't let the abusive person dictate the character of the family or to divide you. (This is probably the most important thing I learned.)

 

Give yourself permission to be an adult. Very often a parent who isn't emotionally healthy will try to keep adult offspring in juvenile roles. Sometimes this is as subtle as insisting on having family gatherings at the parents home instead of letting a daughter-or-son-in-law host the festivities.

 

A person can be extremely successful in business and still be mentally unbalanced.

 

Later in life my father-in-law had a stroke. I ended up speaking with the psychologist at the hospital who evaluated him. Typically when someone has a stroke, there is a psych evaluation to determine how much the brain has been effected by the stroke. The psychologist asked me several questions about his angry outbursts and finally said that she suspected there was something wrong which had nothing to do with the stroke. She told me that she couldn't tell me her diagnosis, but suggested that I look up the clinical definition of narcissism. She mentioned that it's very difficult to treat. I wish that somebody had given us this advice years earlier.

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#13 of 34 Old 04-22-2014, 12:26 PM
 
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When my Grandpa died we found out from a different relative and his second wife wouldn't answer our calls, tell us what they were doing with his body, or even let us know when/if there would be a memorial service. It was very difficult to get closer with the blatant cruelty, she was a nasty piece of work and did as much as she could to keep us out of his life when he was living so we should have expected more nastiness after his death but it still was a shock and caused more hurt beyond the grief we felt at his passing.
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#14 of 34 Old 04-22-2014, 01:31 PM
 
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I'm sorry for all the nastiness some of you have experienced during what is already such an emotional time.

I've never had too much drama at a funeral, but when my aunt died, a distant older cousin went up to my mom (who JUST lost her sister) and said, "I wonder how Mary is handling this. I bet it brings back memories of when her sister died [20 years ago]." My mom just kind of stared at her until she walked away.

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#15 of 34 Old 04-23-2014, 06:54 AM
 
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Death and funerals can bring out the worst in people. (weddings too but that is another post)

 

Neither DH or I come from funeral families so no funeral stories but I have seen people go bat shit crazy after someone dies. 

 

There was nearly a fist fight over $100 when one relative died (neither side needed the money).  Another ransacked the deceased's house looking for treasures.  

 

My mother went off the rails with some really bizarre stuff when my grandfather died and claims to have no memory of it at all.  Nothing awful, just weird and out of character.   

 

This is a friend's funeral story - A super toxic parent died and during the service, some of the kids were so sickened by the pastor going on and on about what a wonderful person she was that they looked at each other and said "f this" and got up and walked out.  For them, it was the final straw that happened at an inappropriate time.

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#16 of 34 Old 04-23-2014, 07:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all for posting your stories, it does help me "process" the horrified feeling i've been subject to for the last week .....

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#17 of 34 Old 04-23-2014, 07:35 AM
 
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When dh's grandma, who he absolutely worshipped, died, my mil acted like a huge jackass. Grandma didn't have any money, neither did anyone else in the family.  That was fine, we had just sold our house and made an absolute killing, so dh and I offered to pay for her funeral and whatnot.  I wasn't in the room, but dh was in there with his parents and his uncle discussing arrangements and the lack of funds.  Mil said "it's nice to have a rich son, I don't have to worry about anything".  Dh was in the middle of negotiating prices!!!  More importantly, we weren't rich by any stretch, dh was starting a new career and we had just moved to another state with a young child.  That money was our chance to have real savings!!  I was happy to give it, I LOVED grandma, but good gracious, his mom was such an ass about the whole thing.  I was livid and didn't speak to her for a long time after dh told me about that.  All she ever sees in him is what she can get out of him and it makes me sick.  

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#18 of 34 Old 04-23-2014, 08:08 AM
 
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Why do people spend such outrageous amount on funerals and the associated goings-on????

 

My gosh, if there it to be a burial, people spend thousands of dollars on a fancy box that goes into the ground.  Why???? 

 

When my Dad died, he had requested to be buried.  I wasn't about to throw away money on such a wasteful expense as a casket.  We bought, instead, a cremation casket, made of heavy cardboard, which looked like a regular casket (it was blue, with silvery trim).  My Mom, who had stroke-induced dementia, wanted to be there when he was buried, and I felt that she would handle it better if it looked like a coffin, not a box.  It cost $250, and the total funeral home costs involved in death came to around $750.  ((A regular cremation box would have been around $100, but did look like a refrigerator packing box and I worried Mom would be really upset if she saw that!).  He was dressed in his mess dress uniform (retired USAF) and his favorite slippers. 

 

Aside from the grave digger and the funeral home guy (a friend of ours), Mom and I were the only ones at the burial.  Ds (age 10 at the time) didn't want to go and dh stayed home with him.  This was fine with all of us.  I didn't feel alone or anything, I wanted to keep this as minimal as I could.

 

In the end, she didn't even realize what we were doing at the burial (forgot that Dad had died), but asked all sorts of questions about the grave digger's dog, a lovely mutt that was at the cemetery with us!  Afterwards, I bought her a cup of coffee and a pecan sticky bun at Arby's and we had a lovely time together.  Weird day.........

 

When Mom died, she was cremated, per her wishes.  Total costs:  $600.  Some of her ashes were placed in a pretty cloisonné jar that ds had chosen years earlier (after Dad had died), along with mementos that ds helped choose (a piece of pottery from Egypt, photos of ds and our family, her laminated obituary and a few other personal trinkets).  That jar was placed in the same space where Dad is buried.  We have a family burial area in our cemetery.  Only Dh was with me at the cemetery that dad as ds didn't want to be there (he was 14 at the time).  The rest of her ashes are in a way-cool Egyptian canopic jar (again, chosen by ds) on the bookcase in our living room.  We can say "hello" to Mom daily!

 

When fil died, cremation and the ashes were placed in a box that we ordered from the company he used to own.  It had the company name (his Mom's name) on it, so there was a nice association with it. 

 

Just wanted to say that the reason ds didn't want to be at the cemetery, either time, was that he just didn't want to be there.  We respected his wishes.  There was no reason to make him go, service or no service.

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#19 of 34 Old 04-23-2014, 10:35 AM
 
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Why do people spend such outrageous amount on funerals and the associated goings-on????

 

 

Tradition or culture?  And no doubt fantastic marketing by the funeral home industry.  

 

We joked that my dad would have done his own cremation if at all possible.  He pre-paid it and we were given very strict instructions not to spend any money on extras.  I am honestly surprised he didn't try to get a hole dug at his house and have us bury him ourselves. 


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#20 of 34 Old 04-26-2014, 06:26 PM
 
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Why do people spend such outrageous amount on funerals and the associated goings-on????

 

Wow.  Of course people have different traditions and expectations about death, exactly like they do about weddings. Some people elope and just go before the justice of the peace with the secretary for a witness and some people have elaborate weddings with all the trappings. For me personally, having someone's ashes in my home is way out of my comfort zone. I don't have any problem with cremation, but I don't want any ashes around afterwards. That would creep me out. I also would not want my ashes kept, not that I have any say in the matter. For other people it's very comforting (I guess). 

 

Reading through this thread I find it unusual that there are folks who don't have funerals or memorial services. I have never known anyone who didn't. I have probably been to 20 or 30 funerals or more in my lifetime. Been to funerals for relatives, friends, parents of friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc. While I definitely don't "like" funerals I do think they serve an important function. When my mom died in the fall her funeral was the main way for people who were important in her life and in whose life she was important to say goodbye to her and to share their grief with each other.  In our area it would have been shocking to not have a funeral. My parents had also prepaid for all their funeral expenses and picked out their caskets way back in the day, so it wasn't a great expense for the family.

 

When I go, I want people to have a party (which is funny because I am so not a party person). We had a friend who died in his 30s in a car accident and his funeral was a great party with music and celebration. We just had fixture in the local music community die and his memorial was held at a local venue. I didn't go — didn't know him that well, but the folks who I know who did go said it was a really special time.

 

As for crazy funeral behavior, I don't have much there. I've heard some doozies of eulogies delivered by ministers/celebrants who didn't really know the deceased, but I can't think of too many crazy antics. I'm sure there have been some behind the scenes of the funerals I attended, but I just can't think of anything off the top of my head. I do agree that the "secret list" is pretty weird. So sorry you're having to go through this and I'm sorry for the loss of your BIL.

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#21 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 07:04 AM
 
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My grief is not for public consumption.  It is private and I don't want to "hold up" or "be brave" for anyone.  All of us feel the same.  So, no funerals in our family and I do not attend any, either.

 

Paying thousands of $$ for a box that is buried is just wrong.  But, then, I also think embalming is wrong, too. 

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#22 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 10:39 AM
 
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My grief is not for public consumption.

This is a bit condescending - implying that mourners are voyeuristic.  Or that people who mourn in a public space are exhibitionists.  My grief is not for public consumption either.  But I do attend funerals and have grieved in public.  I think it's strange to hide away feelings.

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#23 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 11:59 AM
 
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My grief is not for public consumption.  It is private and I don't want to "hold up" or "be brave" for anyone.  All of us feel the same.  So, no funerals in our family and I do not attend any, either.

Paying thousands of $$ for a box that is buried is just wrong.  But, then, I also think embalming is wrong, too. 

Who made you the one who gets to decide what is right and what is wrong for families that aren't your own. I'm not big at spending money but I don't want to see my loved ones treated the same way we treat trash. A memorial and a beautiful urn to honor their memory doesn't seem wrong to me even if the money spent may horrify you.
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#24 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 12:26 PM
 
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 For me personally, having someone's ashes in my home is way out of my comfort zone. I don't have any problem with cremation, but I don't want any ashes around afterwards. That would creep me out.


Our first was stillborn. We had no ties to the town we lived in at the time and did not want to bury him there. I have his ashes on a shelf in my bedroom... out of view to any but my most treasured friends. We'll scatter his ashes with my own or with my husband's someday. My surviving children know this and said they'd help see that through.
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#25 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 12:53 PM
 
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Our first was stillborn. We had no ties to the town we lived in at the time and did not want to bury him there. I have his ashes on a shelf in my bedroom... out of view to any but my most treasured friends. We'll scatter his ashes with my own or with my husband's someday. My surviving children know this and said they'd help see that through.

 

It's wonderful that your surviving children will help you honor your firstborn after your gone. To me, that is the essence of being respectful of the departed and commemorating family and love. 


Apartment Farm - the chronicles of my cooking, gardening, crafting and other such things. 

 

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#26 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 03:43 PM
 
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Who made you the one who gets to decide what is right and what is wrong for families that aren't your own. I'm not big at spending money but I don't want to see my loved ones treated the same way we treat trash. A memorial and a beautiful urn to honor their memory doesn't seem wrong to me even if the money spent may horrify you.

 

Who said anything about treating people like trash?  I just said I think it's ridiculous to spend thousands of dollars on a box that will go into the ground.  It won't keep the body from decomposing (maybe slow it a bit, but it will happen) and that money, in so many cases, could be better spent on something the family could use or saved for their children or whatever. 

 

We have a friend that actually took out a loan to pay for a $10,000 casket for his wife and to help pay for the other funeral expenses and reception afterwards.  It has been 7 years since, and he still hasn't paid off the costs of the funeral.  If it made him feel good to be in debt for this, I guess that's fine.   

 

My Mom's ashes were placed in an urn that was a reasonable price.  It was quite lovely and ds chose it for her.  The rest of her ashes are in an canopic urn (also chosen by ds) of Egyptian-styling, and on a shelf on our living room bookcases.  If you wish to think that the small amount we paid for my Dad's fiberboard casket is akin to a trash container, feel free to think such thoughts.  Doesn't bother me one bit.  My Dad would have approved of the savings! 

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#27 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 03:47 PM
 
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Our first was stillborn. We had no ties to the town we lived in at the time and did not want to bury him there. I have his ashes on a shelf in my bedroom... out of view to any but my most treasured friends. We'll scatter his ashes with my own or with my husband's someday. My surviving children know this and said they'd help see that through.

 

On my parent's headstone, I also had the names of two of their children (both died at birth) inscribed.  The two babies are buried in another cemetery and there would be nothing left to exhume and move to our family plot (they both died in the mid-1950s), where my parents and in-laws are interred (and, where dh and I will be placed, someday).  I knew it would mean something to Mom & Dad (both babies died before I was born).

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#28 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 03:51 PM
 
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This is a bit condescending - implying that mourners are voyeuristic.  Or that people who mourn in a public space are exhibitionists.  My grief is not for public consumption either.  But I do attend funerals and have grieved in public.  I think it's strange to hide away feelings.


By this, I mean, I don't want anyone to see me at this time of intense grief.  It is just the way I am.  I didn't mean to imply the other mourners are voyeuristic.  But, everyone DOES look at the family at a funeral.  I chose not to be seen.  My grief, my solitude, my choice.  That's why I do not attend funerals, unless circumstances force me into it.  Then, I make a short appearance and leave.  I do not attend visitations or wakes, either.

 

I don't think it's strange to hide feelings.  It's simply personal. 

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#29 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 03:53 PM
 
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By this, I mean, I don't want anyone to see me at this time of intense grief.  It is just the way I am.  I didn't mean to imply the other mourners are voyeuristic.  But, everyone DOES look at the family at a funeral.  I chose not to be seen.  My grief, my solitude, my choice.  That's why I do not attend funerals, unless circumstances force me into it.  Then, I make a short appearance and leave.  I do not attend visitations or wakes, either.

 

I don't think it's strange to hide feelings.  It's simply personal. 


Thanks for clarifying.  I could have been more gracious - grief is hard.

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#30 of 34 Old 04-27-2014, 06:13 PM
 
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Grief is indeed hard; harder still when Adam my dearest brother died last August from a drug overdose and our estranged alcoholic father turned up in his chauffeur driven Rolls Royce Phantom and proceeded to weave his ranting way to Adam's burial place in the cemetary, only to kick a clod of heavy clay to crash upon my poor brother's coffin. I don't know how. . ..I managed to maintain my dignity.

 

Four years ago I saw our mother Lauren to her grave. That was hard enough for all the guilt and remorse I experienced at the time from having run away to what was to become my adoptive mother Rachel for protection, and the numbness Lauren's suicide had left me feeling. Only it was our estranged father's death last October, 2 months after Adam's death when he drank one bottle too many that made me feel so unspeakably angry. For to my father's funeral some 500 people turned up including some rock stars he had boozed and snorted blow with. And the church minister taking the funeral had spoken such eloquent words in my late father's memory that all I wanted to do was vomit. The utter hypocracy of it all; the ebony coffin my father resided in was draped with his KCMG paraphernalia (a Knighthood), but little did anyone know the dark side my father kept, the overt nastiness with which he wielded upon poor Adam and I which nobody except mum Rachel had the remotest clue of. I went away from our father's funeral and wept. In this life, evil people such as my father got away with anything short of murder. But now ~ he's having breakfast with the Devil.

 

I'm still having grief counselling. For as long as it takes. I forgave Lauren. But I don't know how long it will take me to forgive my father.

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