A little rant about my house guest/roommate - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 04-22-2014, 11:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My husband and I decided to let a pregnant friend of mine move in with us. No strings attached. And while we are still happy to have her she has really been stepping on our toes. If you'll indulge me....
She is alway blunt. And her hormones are making her moody. That I can over look, or quickly get over. But I don't like the way she speaks to my DH. Just the other day he was telling her about an award he won, and she blew it off. DH is a humble, kindhearted man, and what she said hurt us both. We where so shocked we had no reply. I don't think she means to be hateful but that is sure enough how it comes out a little too often.
And something that is driving me nuts is how I don't even feel free to do what I want in my own house. If I leave DDs play things out, she will put them in a corner. I use cloth diapers and dry them on a rack I like to sit in the middle of my kitchen, she'll move it up to the wall. I do not like to stack dishes in the sink unless I'm actually washing them right then, she piles them into the sink without any thought to the fact that 90% of then are glass, and gifts or family heirlooms. Things have already been chipped. When she puts things up its where she thinks they should be, not where I want them or had them. And I'm not just talking about the dishes. I'm glad she helps around the house, but she wish would respect that it's my house, and my things are dear to me. Now I'm not the best house keeper (far from it) but at least my mess was mine, and I still knew where most things where, and if I didn't it was my fault.
So that's my rant. Thanks for reading smile.gif

Jocelyn caffix.gif, totally in love with my hubby and best friend! nak.gifSAH Mama to one smiley baby girl 10/11/13 Artist/Writer/Farm Manager  familybed1.gif  saynovax.gif
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#2 of 15 Old 04-23-2014, 06:25 AM
 
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I'd pack up the heirlooms that are important to you, for the time being. Pick up a set of dishes from a thrift store or Target. Not sure what to do about the rest. I'd probably let go the more minor issues like moving toys and drying rack aside. That's just the frustration of a roommate. 

 

But I'd stand up for dh. I think it's important to nip that sort of thing in the bud. Women sometimes get in the habit of husband bashing or boyfriend bashing when they get together. Many feel this is completely acceptable and normal so they don't think twice about it. And if she isn't in a good relationship she may be projecting whatever feelings she has for her baby's father onto your dh. So avoid complaining about him to her about even the littlest things so she doesn't think he is fair game. When she is dismissive, you can just say "Well, I'm real proud of him." It's important to say something rather than being silent though you don't necessarily need to be confrontational about it.

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#3 of 15 Old 04-23-2014, 08:16 AM
 
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How long do you intend for her to stay??  Until the baby is born?  After?  Forever?

 

"No stings attached" is a bad idea, for just about anything.  It never works out that way, as emotions and priorities and personal space are fluid and not set in concrete.

 

Unless you sit down and write-out your house rules, she can feel free to do whatever she likes.  You gave her no boundaries when she moved in, so why should she conform to how YOU run YOUR home. 

 

Either post those rules, and ENFORCE them, or explain the situation isn't working out and it's time she moved on and you have the house to yourselves, again.

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#4 of 15 Old 04-25-2014, 04:52 AM
 
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Have you talked to her about any of this?  That would be step one. 


 
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#5 of 15 Old 04-25-2014, 05:54 AM
 
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You need to get her out, find another place for her to live. I'm not heartless. Even though she is pregnant and hormony that's no way to treat you, your family heirlooms and generally treat your home and house like its her personal mosh pit. She has no respect; that has already been implimented, but she's been deaf to your pleas. And your husband's, poor man.

 

I don't think ultimatums would be effective seeing you have already talked to her. I strongly suggest you and your DH start looking for an alternate place for this girl to live. All very well she's your friend and stuff. But you have house rules, you have things you like done in a certain  way and do not care to have your most precious family items disrespected, neither your lovely husband dissed with such appalling attitude. I don't know what your pregnant friend's emotional problems are, wouldn't even hazard a guess. But that's her social issues and the problem won't go away unless she addresses them in a complete turnaround. And you know what?  It'll continue to be her problem if she doesn't pay you and your husband the respect you both deserve.

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#6 of 15 Old 04-25-2014, 07:53 AM
 
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Don't let "her" problem become "yours". Have a talk with her.. If that doesn't work, set a moving date and help her move. 


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#7 of 15 Old 04-25-2014, 08:27 AM
 
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Does she have her own room? Let her do what she wants in  there, but she has no right to touch your things in your apartment.

 

Dont touch my kids toys woman!!

 

Either draw stricter boundaries, or tell her to start looking elsewhere.

 

I have a roommate for rent purposes, but theres no way i would share our space with him. We share the bathroom and the entrance. Not the  kitchen, not the living room,  not our bedroom. I dont expect to  go into his bedroom uninvited, or to  have any opinion on how he arranges it, unless there is a problem that could affect us all (such as bugs, mold). He has his space, we have ours.

 

ps. i just wanted to add, its your home you make the rules. Just tell her how you do things, and thats the way she has to do them. For eg, dont pile plates in the sink. Another basic one, leave things as you found them.  Dont move things around. 

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#8 of 15 Old 04-25-2014, 02:49 PM
 
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Sorry @OklaFarmMama if I came across as bossy in my previous post. I had visions of your friend taking over house and home.

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#9 of 15 Old 04-25-2014, 03:44 PM
 
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Sounds to me like you view her as a guest and she views herself as a housemate. A guest implies short-term, follows the house rules. A housemate is living in their own home and therefore gets a say in how things are done. I agree with the PPs who said you need to have a chat about what your intentions are. Then she can decide if this is the right living arrangement for her.

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#10 of 15 Old 04-26-2014, 12:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No no came off as bossy smile.gif Thanks for your thoughts.

A lot of the things she does I can over look, even enjoy her company a lot of the time. But that day it just all added up for me. I'm so glad for a place like this so I could just let it out.

Yes she has her own room. And I don't care what she does in there.
She is going to be here a while. And I know I need to talk with her about things, but I want not in the right mood to do that the other night. She has no idea how rude she is being. And its not just to us. If its on her mind it comes out of her mouth. DH and I have committed to not take her personally, and not say anything negative around her (not that we do anyways) we are hoping we rub off on her.
I did show her where the dishes go. And going around behind her putting things back where I want them has almost become a game for me. I think it's made me more alert. LOL. Talking down to DH will be corrected as needed.

We have had people living with us off and on for as long as we have been together. So she is not the first and wont be the last.

Jocelyn caffix.gif, totally in love with my hubby and best friend! nak.gifSAH Mama to one smiley baby girl 10/11/13 Artist/Writer/Farm Manager  familybed1.gif  saynovax.gif
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#11 of 15 Old 04-27-2014, 07:00 AM
 
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Will she still be with you after her baby is born?  Do you share the same parenting ideas?  If not, then there will be problems and the time for her to leave is NOW.

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#12 of 15 Old 04-29-2014, 09:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your thoughts, but no she is not leaving any time soon. She'll be her until after her baby is born. I gave my word and I'm not turning back on it because she unknowingly rubbed me the wrong way. Sure I needed to vent. And yes I needed to clear some things up with her, but I wasnt going to do that in my sorry mood. She is my friend, whom I openly invited to stay as long as needed. And yes we do share a lot of common parenting ideas.

Jocelyn caffix.gif, totally in love with my hubby and best friend! nak.gifSAH Mama to one smiley baby girl 10/11/13 Artist/Writer/Farm Manager  familybed1.gif  saynovax.gif
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#13 of 15 Old 04-30-2014, 04:18 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OklaFarmMama View Post

Thank you for your thoughts, but no she is not leaving any time soon. She'll be her until after her baby is born. I gave my word and I'm not turning back on it because she unknowingly rubbed me the wrong way. Sure I needed to vent. And yes I needed to clear some things up with her, but I wasnt going to do that in my sorry mood. She is my friend, whom I openly invited to stay as long as needed. And yes we do share a lot of common parenting ideas.

Sometimes venting really does help clear your head.  :)  


 
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#14 of 15 Old 04-30-2014, 09:50 AM
 
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OklaFarmMama, You are very kind!! Hope it all works out well for your family and her. 


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#15 of 15 Old 05-13-2014, 10:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for those last two replies. I really appreciate it.
We are all getting along wonderfully now.

Jocelyn caffix.gif, totally in love with my hubby and best friend! nak.gifSAH Mama to one smiley baby girl 10/11/13 Artist/Writer/Farm Manager  familybed1.gif  saynovax.gif
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