Would you bring a gift? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 18 Old 06-12-2014, 04:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Would you bring a gift?

The daughter of my former boss got married got married several months ago in another country. We were not invited to the wedding (which was fine, we wouldn't have gone: Quebec in winter!). I only found out about the wedding because her parents told me during a casual phone call.


I am in semi-frequent contact with my ex-boss, maybe every couple of months he or his wife and I chat on the phone. They (boss & wife) sent us an invite for a delayed wedding celebration to be held at their house in a couple of weeks. I haven't been with my boss & his wife, socially, for years. We live about 100 miles away from them, which is the main reason for the distant relationship. They are really nice people and we them very much.


I haven't seen or had any contact with the daughter for over 13 years. I've never met her new husband. Dh met her once and ds was 2 when he met her (on the same day dh met her).


They have been living together for almost 10 years. She has her own very successful business and he is privately employed.


We might not even be attending the party as ds is scheduled to have his wisdom teeth out and have some jaw surgery, as well, the week before.


But, should we go, I am stumped as whether or not to bring a gift. Like I said, I haven't had any contact with her for over 13 years.


I actually feel odd being invited (I used to babysit her, once in awhile, but that was it). I mean, I don't know why we are being invited other than there was a relationship many years ago and that I am still friendly with her parents.


Should we just attend (if ds is up for it) and not worry about a gift? Never heard about this situation from Miss Manners or Emily Post!


What would you do??
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#2 of 18 Old 06-12-2014, 06:41 PM
 
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Yes, if you go bring a small gift.
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#3 of 18 Old 06-12-2014, 06:44 PM
 
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If I went, I would take a gift. But I don't think you need to feel obligated to go given all the possible impediments - distance, surgery, kids, weather - and the nature of your relationship.
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#4 of 18 Old 06-12-2014, 07:30 PM
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If I went, I would bring a gift. Honestly though, I don't think I would go.

Amy
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#5 of 18 Old 06-13-2014, 12:56 AM
 
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If you go, yes. Nothing extravagant though. I also think that I'd skip it if you have all that going on beforehand.

 
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#6 of 18 Old 06-13-2014, 08:44 PM
 
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I agree - if you go, bring a gift. I probably wouldn't go, though, either. It is the equivalent of a wedding reception (just very delayed). That is probably how Emily post would view it
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#7 of 18 Old 06-14-2014, 12:39 AM
 
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If I went, I would stick to a small gift. I have a list of five things I buy for weddings

1) off the registry if it's in my price range
2) GC for the registry
3) a black picture frame
4) a GC for a restaurant in their area
5) cash

It depends on the couple and situation where I choose what gift I'll give

In a case like yours I would give them either a GC to a nice restaurant or a nice black picture frame or a combo of both depending on your budget.
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#8 of 18 Old 06-21-2014, 04:08 PM
 
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No. I would send a card of congratulations and leave it at that.
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#9 of 18 Old 06-22-2014, 07:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, everyone, for your replies!


I hate the obligation of gifts.


I have decided, after talking it over with dh that, IF we go, we'll just go, no gift.


I haven't had any contact with her for over a decade. We weren't invited to the wedding. Her parents are throwing this gathering, not the bride and groom (it is not a reception, by any means).


If they had/have a registry, nobody knows about it. I had asked her parents about it and they explained that she was doing everything herself and making all the arrangements, they had no ideas as to what she was doing (they didn't even see her dress until the moment of the wedding). She's always been very independent (which is fine).


We'll see how ds is feeling and make our decision on the day of the get together. It's over an hour's drive to get to their house and the event is scheduled for 3 hours.


It's such a weird situation!


Again, thanks!
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#10 of 18 Old 06-30-2014, 05:46 PM
 
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Are you 100% convinced about that decision? My feeling is that it'd be impolite to go without a gift, even a small one. It's her first wedding (presumably?), and custom states that if you go to a wedding, you bring a gift. If you don't like or know her well enough to take a gift, you don't like or know her well enough to attend the celebration. Seems like everyone else on the thread agrees that going equals gift; which doesn't necessarily mean we're all right and you're wrong, but it does mean that you're statistically likely to cause offence or be considered incorrect if you show up without a gift.

And her well-off-ness and the time she's been living with her partner are irrelevant. These days, wedding gifts aren't given because the newlyweds' just-built log cabin will be empty without them; they're given in the spirit of congratulations and celebration. Even the couple who has everything can use a restaurant voucher or nice consumables - candles, fancy olive oil or aged balsamic vinegar, a bottle of wine, chocolates.

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#11 of 18 Old 06-30-2014, 06:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post
Are you 100% convinced about that decision? My feeling is that it'd be impolite to go without a gift, even a small one. It's her first wedding (presumably?), and custom states that if you go to a wedding, you bring a gift. If you don't like or know her well enough to take a gift, you don't like or know her well enough to attend the celebration. Seems like everyone else on the thread agrees that going equals gift; which doesn't necessarily mean we're all right and you're wrong, but it does mean that you're statistically likely to cause offence or be considered incorrect if you show up without a gift.

And her well-off-ness and the time she's been living with her partner are irrelevant. These days, wedding gifts aren't given because the newlyweds' just-built log cabin will be empty without them; they're given in the spirit of congratulations and celebration. Even the couple who has everything can use a restaurant voucher or nice consumables - candles, fancy olive oil or aged balsamic vinegar, a bottle of wine, chocolates.
100% agreement with this.

 
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#12 of 18 Old 07-01-2014, 10:00 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grahamsmom98 View Post
I have decided, after talking it over with dh that, IF we go, we'll just go, no gift.

<snip>

We'll see how ds is feeling and make our decision on the day of the get together.
It's obviously your call, but I would decide now whether you're going so that you can RSVP to the hosts in a timely manner, rather than leaving the decision until the day of the event.

And, as pretty much everyone else has said, I would either go with a gift, or not go. It's fine to just RSVP no.
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#13 of 18 Old 07-01-2014, 01:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Both dh and ds are feeling fine after their respective surgeries, so it looks like we'll be attending on Saturday. With the distance and time of the party, we'll stay in the city overnight (and, we can take ds to the new "Transformers" movie while we are there, too).


And, given all your thoughts, we'll bring a gift.


But, as she and her husband live over 300 miles away, and we have NO idea as to their needs, desires or their taste in anything (no registry and the parents haven't a clue), we'll just get them a gift card and make it easier for everyone.


I'm thinking Amazon, as it offers just about everything known to mankind!


Dh thinks either Home Depot or Lowe's. We don't know if they are DIY-types or if they garden or anything. But, there is a high probability that both of these stores are to be found fairly near where they live (BIG city). Dh thought there would be something they could find at either store.


What do you think??


If you say Amazon, I need to order it today (it would arrive before this coming Saturday, the day of the party).


We can always pick-up the HD or Lowe's on our way to the party, should you all think that is a better choice.


I can get a wedding card before Saturday and place the gift card inside.


I appreciate your replies!!!


By the way, I did RSVP awhile back, explaining about dh and ds surgeries, saying we wouldn't know until the day before (or, the day of) the party. They said that was fine, they didn't need a "body count." It is an open house-type gathering lasting 3 hours (knowing the other invitees, it will probably last longer), with a large buffet being served. Our 3-person presence (food-wise) wouldn't make a difference.

Last edited by grahamsmom98; 07-01-2014 at 01:53 PM. Reason: Forgot something
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#14 of 18 Old 07-01-2014, 03:48 PM
 
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I vote Amazon.
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#15 of 18 Old 07-01-2014, 04:28 PM
 
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Sounds like a fun trip with your family! I think any of the gift cards you mentioned would be very appreciated.
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#16 of 18 Old 07-01-2014, 05:06 PM
 
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Amazon!

 
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#17 of 18 Old 07-02-2014, 12:37 AM
 
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Amazon GC is always a good choice. My favorite wedding gift is a bonsai tree. To me, this symbolizes life, longevity, stability. Can be as expensive as you choose.

Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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#18 of 18 Old 07-02-2014, 06:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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We went with a $50 Amazon gift card. It will arrive here tomorrow (the gathering is Saturday).


Thanks, again, for your opinions and suggestions!!
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