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#1 of 39 Old 07-08-2014, 08:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Not wanting to allow MIL involvement with baby

Hi all ,I am not sure where this really belongs post wise. As I don't see many topics with MIL issues. I know I am not alone and need some advice. I am happily married to DH for almost a year now. We are 3 mo preg with our first child together. We each have one from past relationships. My MIL is very involved and temporarily has custody of my bonus son (stepson)due to the drug addict mother getting arrested for drugs and neglect of this child (DH/ Child father was in prison at the time/unrelated event) so my MIL gain temp. custody. And then dad took over when he got out of prison. Well in the mean time I met my husband and we got married. My problem is this, I have found out over time that my MIL is a very narcissistic, nasty, spiteful woman who only use those around her to do her bidding. I could go on with ALL of the nasty things she has done in this short period of time but my main point is, I don't want her to meet our child let alone have a relationship with this child. My husband is fairly neutral and wont cause drama(which is fine) with his mother but agrees with me and stands by my side. I am very lucky. Part of me feels bad that she made these choices and now has to live with the consequences, and the rest of me doesn't.The last straw was when she moved my husbands ex gf(childs mother) into her home, bought her a car and continues to support $ her. The courts still wont give custody back to the addict mother so I am appalled at my MILS actions.She took most of the visitation away from dad/DH and now is upset because she is not being involved in our babies future, starting with the knowledge and sharing of pregnancy info. I know that I have a bigger support system with friend and other family so i am not worried about the baby growing up mad at not knowing it's grandmother and father.She treats DH, Me and my son like complete s***. If it were my family pulling this it would go the same way. I respect my spouse way to much to let such a thing continue. I am a self sufficient woman who serves in the US ARMY and works hard and loves my family harder. I guess the point is really just needing a sounding board. Pos or neg feedback is acceptable. I don't talk this drama with my DH or family or friend to avoid constant drama conversations.
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#2 of 39 Old 07-08-2014, 09:10 AM
 
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Hi! There have been *lots* of MIL issues in the Personal Growth threads http://www.mothering.com/forum/12-personal-growth/

I'd say the most important thing is you and your DH being on the same page. Plenty of children have been hurt by toxic relatives; none have been harmed by being protected from them.
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#3 of 39 Old 07-08-2014, 11:36 AM
 
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I recommend a 5-point approach: 1) give highest priority to your heart & gut 2) research & learn as much as you can about personality issues and family dynamics 3) pray/contemplate compassion and forgiveness 4) "be sure you are right then go ahead!" (Davey Crockett) 5) keep an open mind

I think that you are absolutely on the right path from what you have described. Slowly work on this, with adjustments and assessments along the way. It seems to me that your heart (& gut) are in the right place. Be strong, you can be the agent of change in your family.

Hugs,
Puma
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#4 of 39 Old 07-08-2014, 12:01 PM
 
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MIL issues are difficult to deal with. You need to make the decision that is best for your family and your child. Every situation is different but for us we did decide to let MIL see the kids - in limited doses under very close supervision. That worked okay until the issues got worse and we cut her off for about 2 yrs. Now they see the kids again but it's still supervised and rare about 3-6x/yr. I don't involve them in anything for the kids though - soccer games, pageants, award events, birthdays, etc. They also don't come to our house. We bring the children to see them and leave when we need to usually about 2hrs in. This works for us and we don't even feel bad about it given the family dynamics and situations that have come up in our situation. You need to make your own choices. Just remember it's your duty to protect your child not the grandmother's feelings.

Just something to think about - I'd also check out laws on grandparents rights where you are. Idk how often that sort of thing actually happens but it's something to be aware of that may or may not affect you. My IL's threatened to sue when we wouldn't let them see the kids is why I thought of it. Best of luck!
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#5 of 39 Old 07-08-2014, 04:14 PM
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Hopefully there can be some way for your stepson and baby to know each other, since they are half-siblings.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#6 of 39 Old 07-08-2014, 06:59 PM
 
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I think it is REALLY important for you to let your DH make the call with your MIL. He will end up resenting YOU if you make these hard line decisions. It sounds like your DH and the childs mother have made decisions that lead your MIL to having custody of the child. I would think they both should be very grateful to her for taking care of him when they were unable to. Perhaps she let the ex move in because she was in need and it is her grandchild's mother. If Dad is on his feet perhaps she was giving the ex that same opportunity.
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#7 of 39 Old 07-09-2014, 04:57 AM
 
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I think it is REALLY important for you to let your DH make the call with your MIL. He will end up resenting YOU if you make these hard line decisions. It sounds like your DH and the childs mother have made decisions that lead your MIL to having custody of the child. I would think they both should be very grateful to her for taking care of him when they were unable to. Perhaps she let the ex move in because she was in need and it is her grandchild's mother. If Dad is on his feet perhaps she was giving the ex that same opportunity.

^ Good point of view to consider. Hopefully the OP & her husband can agree on a plan so that they can support each other in this.
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#8 of 39 Old 07-09-2014, 06:58 AM
 
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The last straw was when she moved my husbands ex gf(childs mother) into her home, bought her a car and continues to support $ her. The courts still wont give custody back to the addict mother so I am appalled at my MILS actions
Evidently, the courts also won't give custody back to your husband, who you decided to create another child with. (Or will they but he doesn't care for actually raising children once they are here.) So I'm not getting how helping someone who has seriously screwed up is such a bad thing in your book.

Either way, this man has a child and doesn't care if he is in contact with the person the child lives with. You have some really big problems ahead of you, which don't have anything to do with your MIL. He is showing you his character, and you are worried about who gets to play grandma.
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but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#9 of 39 Old 07-09-2014, 07:18 AM
 
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Linda, You have hit the nail on the head. I was thinking the exact same things but didn't know how to word it well!
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#10 of 39 Old 07-09-2014, 08:56 AM
 
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Hm, well taking into account the other points of view here and rereading the original post, I am swaying far from my first opinion.

The MIL obviously cared enough about the stepdaughter to assume custody and raise her when the family broke down. At first I suspected that possibly the MIL was "buying affection" by perhaps giving a car, lenient rules, or such so that the stepdaughter would prefer to live with grandma, and the OP does say that the MIL has tried to minimize the husband's relationship with his child. But perhaps that is for the child's best interest. After all, this is her own son whom the grandmother is wary of and he was, after all, in prison at the time. It would seem most reasonable for the son (the husband) to be attempting to heal the relationships with his mother and daughter - is he doing this? If so, he will need your support. Maybe the MIL is bitter and angry (and possibly not a very nice person, either). She may be quite upset that her son is starting another family while leaving her and her granddaughter with the wreckage of the first.

In rereading the original post, the only situation that I can see that the MIL "caused for herself" by the decisions that she made is to raise another child late in life - which is hardly something to blame her for.

I guess I would ask the OP to ask herself: what are you afraid the MIL will do that you need to protect your baby? Can you be open-minded enough to assess whatever truths that uncovers and work on correcting perceptions, behaviors, & healing your relationships? Maybe a better position than withholding your child from the grandmother is to use the opportunity of your child's birth to learn and demonstrate to others what love and compassion are. If the MIL is abusive then you should protect yourself and your baby. But if she is just angry then can you be a bigger person than she? As an adult and a mother, I think it's imperative that we learn to take the highest road possible; since you don't need her approval, being an adult and a mother, you can be gentle & let her anger roll off your back. There will be ten tons of challenges coming your way as a mother, you could use this situation to start practicing

I hope that things work out well for you and your family and extended family too. Feel free to post here for advice and support.

Hugs
Puma
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#11 of 39 Old 07-09-2014, 10:24 AM
 
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Very good points made here. OP could you elaborate on what the issues are and what it is that worries you about your child being around the grandmother? It may help others be able to give better suggestions.

We have let MIL see our children but in limited doses and have at times not let her see them at all but my MIL is a drunk. I didn't like her from the start after hearing dh and others talk about his childhood. The things that woman has done don't give me reason to respect her as a mother, woman, or human being but I still left the situation up to dh. He decided he wanted to involve her in hopes that she would be a better grandmother than she was a mother I'm sure.

We fully involved her at first. Full updates on pregnancy/birth, full access to visit at our home, we went to visit her, invites to all events, set up a holiday schedule b/t the families, etc. She did ok at the very beginning before she decided not to visit at our home, not to attend any events, and would only see us if we came to her house so we saw her a lot less because we didn't go to her house more just so she could get more visit time. That's why I now longer involve her in those things - I gave up trying when she wouldn't come so now I just don't even tell her. The drinking got worse as well and we couldn't manage to visit at any point of the day without them being drunk or still passed out from the night before so we quit going altogether for almost 2 yrs. We have been able to visit again in the last year or so and they've done quite a bit better but lately I think we're going through another downslope. It sucks and I don't like it but my kids do get to see their grandparents even if they're shabby ones. I watch like a hawk and keep them from seeing anything crazy but they have started to catch on lately to why we don't go or when we leave. I actually feel it's been character building despite my original doubts and heavy stance against it. Now my children have learned that sometimes we love people despite their issues and that we may help them if they need it we don't cater to their downfalls. We "hate the action, love the person." They've also seen the difference in their Nana (my mom) at her age and their Mamaw (MIL) at that age and see which type of person they'd rather be. They can see the down side to drinking even at a young age. Maybe that isn't such as bad thing or the major scare that I originally thought it'd be. At the same time my dad has never met them and never will but there are bigger/different issues at hand there and my children would be in real danger. My children aren't in real danger with MIL as long as I'm there.

I say all that to offer a bit of perspective looking back. I remember my fears as a new mom and having to avoid *that woman* at all costs. Now 10 years in it wasn't the big ordeal I feared. It does suck that my kids don't have the ideal grandparents but they do have grandparents and they're learning more about family, how to treat people and such in the process. I will say that my kids love MIL even if they don't like some things she does. They get annoyed that we can't visit often at times b/c of the drinking but they enjoy what good time they do get with her. They will make their own decisions later in life about whether or not this woman's actions are criminal enough to exile her but until then I'm keeping them safe and allowing them to have a relationship with her even if it's supervised and limited. Maybe you could work out something similar with your family to give everyone a chance and see how it goes.
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#12 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 06:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hopefully there can be some way for your stepson and baby to know each other, since they are half-siblings.
They will know eachother, we do have visitation. My MIL moved my stepsons methhead mother in her own home. Before she moved her to our state and in her home, my husband and I had my step son 80-90% of the time. Now we see him one day a week. But my bio son and bonus(step) son and new baby will all have a relationship. Its the MIL that will find herself MIA when it comes to our baby.
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#13 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 06:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think it is REALLY important for you to let your DH make the call with your MIL. He will end up resenting YOU if you make these hard line decisions. It sounds like your DH and the childs mother have made decisions that lead your MIL to having custody of the child. I would think they both should be very grateful to her for taking care of him when they were unable to. Perhaps she let the ex move in because she was in need and it is her grandchild's mother. If Dad is on his feet perhaps she was giving the ex that same opportunity.
DH has made that choice, he wants nothing to do with his mother and is furious that his mother would do this for her and cut him out alomost entirely. My DH's ex drugged her child and abused him for years, that doesnt warrent a second chance. I value your opinion but not going to work for us to lay down and let everyone walk all over my DH. DH was not even living near the ex when she was arrested and child was taken away, she had been in hiding for about 3 years with no contact or visitation My MIL got custody simply cause the ex's parents and family are all methheads and the courts placed him at first with them in that state and they lost the boy too.Oh well our day in court will come and the courts themselves would be silly to put this boy back in her care. Sad
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#14 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 07:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Evidently, the courts also won't give custody back to your husband, who you decided to create another child with. (Or will they but he doesn't care for actually raising children once they are here.) So I'm not getting how helping someone who has seriously screwed up is such a bad thing in your book.

Either way, this man has a child and doesn't care if he is in contact with the person the child lives with. You have some really big problems ahead of you, which don't have anything to do with your MIL. He is showing you his character, and you are worried about who gets to play grandma.
We haven't been to court yet. Court has been running out of another state.My DH's Ex gf has been in a court battle for 2 years down there and the courts wont give her custody. My MIL has been pushing to keep my step son up in our state and was keeping my DH's ex at bay with monthly supervised visitation if she showed up to our state. The Ex keeps failing drug tests and having to go back to mandatory classes. Up until April of this year my MIL had no desire to allow his ex any chance at getting her son back. My MIL has some mental/personal problems that started (MIL"S Husband,DH, MIL"S sister and other family) a few years back. And he judgment seems to be getting worse. DH's brother and siter in law wont allow MIL to be alone with thier daughter any more. Father/DH doesn't want to deal with EX because she fights and is nasty on the phone and violent in person and I don't blame him.
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#15 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 07:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hm, well taking into account the other points of view here and rereading the original post, I am swaying far from my first opinion.

The MIL obviously cared enough about the stepdaughter to assume custody and raise her when the family broke down. At first I suspected that possibly the MIL was "buying affection" by perhaps giving a car, lenient rules, or such so that the stepdaughter would prefer to live with grandma, and the OP does say that the MIL has tried to minimize the husband's relationship with his child. But perhaps that is for the child's best interest. After all, this is her own son whom the grandmother is wary of and he was, after all, in prison at the time. It would seem most reasonable for the son (the husband) to be attempting to heal the relationships with his mother and daughter - is he doing this? If so, he will need your support. Maybe the MIL is bitter and angry (and possibly not a very nice person, either). She may be quite upset that her son is starting another family while leaving her and her granddaughter with the wreckage of the first.

In rereading the original post, the only situation that I can see that the MIL "caused for herself" by the decisions that she made is to raise another child late in life - which is hardly something to blame her for.

I guess I would ask the OP to ask herself: what are you afraid the MIL will do that you need to protect your baby? Can you be open-minded enough to assess whatever truths that uncovers and work on correcting perceptions, behaviors, & healing your relationships? Maybe a better position than withholding your child from the grandmother is to use the opportunity of your child's birth to learn and demonstrate to others what love and compassion are. If the MIL is abusive then you should protect yourself and your baby. But if she is just angry then can you be a bigger person than she? As an adult and a mother, I think it's imperative that we learn to take the highest road possible; since you don't need her approval, being an adult and a mother, you can be gentle & let her anger roll off your back. There will be ten tons of challenges coming your way as a mother, you could use this situation to start practicing

I hope that things work out well for you and your family and extended family too. Feel free to post here for advice and support.

Hugs
Puma
My MIL shared custody with my DH when he got out of prison. he got out Feb of 2013 and we had my bonus son most all the time %80-%90, he went back to grandma and grandpas for bed time only on the week days due to school district. My step son is Autistic and wrapped up in a different school district, if anyone knows autism... RIGID scheduling is very important. so DH and I and MIL all worked together for the transition. Even at the court date this may2014 the MIL was adimant she didnt want to ex to recieve custody. It was like night and day. The EX came to visit and she moved in within two weeks. So whatever. Now she is a resident in our state and MIL is on disability and in her 70's and MIL has a long CPS record so we will just prepare for court now. My husband made a bad choice and had a gun that wasnt registared to him, did his time, and moved on and up in life. IF MIL was so opposed, then I cant imagine why she was working with us to keep why step son moving forward into a stable environment.But i appreciate all the negative feed back from people, Refreshing to know that people back down and bend way to easy. What happened to standing up against bullying and just cowering to abusive and manipulative family, none of that is good for any child.
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#16 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 07:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi! There have been *lots* of MIL issues in the Personal Growth threads http://www.mothering.com/forum/12-personal-growth/

I'd say the most important thing is you and your DH being on the same page. Plenty of children have been hurt by toxic relatives; none have been harmed by being protected from them.
Very good advice. It is sad that is has come to this, but there is nothing wrong with not subjecting your kids to volatile people. I worked very hard to raise my Bio son single parented in a healthy positive family regardless of how big or small( My parents are becoming mobile/travelers as they are in there silver years)at times. And I am sure that I will feel bad that my MIL has made those choice to have herself excluded from our new beans life, but she made her choice and will have to deal with it. But this child will have my family and some parts of DH family and friends of course.
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#17 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 09:30 AM
 
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But i appreciate all the negative feed back from people, Refreshing to know that people back down and bend way to easy.
There are a ton of strong women here, many of whom have been through h*ll. You asked for feedback and you received comments from women who read your post and cared enough to respond given the information provided.

For my part, I encouraged compassion, which is not at all the same as backing down and bending. Compassion is the stance of the truly strong; it is wisdom and courage and hope all wrapped up in a calm effective demeanor. Anger and revenge will not help anyone. If you are hoping to sort out the people who have done *more* wrong, in your opinion, than others in your situation and punish them - well, that's a natural response, but it doesn't seem to me to be a loving constructive response.

I'm saying this as someone who has no relationship with my own parents because they abused me. I'm not angry with them and I don't want to punish them. I wish them well. I just don't want to have them in my life because I want to move forward and am not willing to accept the baggage and tolls that they have continued to demand of me in order to maintain relations with them. Maybe they are giving their baggage to someone else (I hope not) or maybe they are carrying themselves (finally) but blaming and shaming are only negative ways of tying people tightly to you. I wanted to be free and in order to do so had to set them free as well, to make their own destinies and manage the consequences of their actions. What my parents do in their lives and relations with others didn't affect my decision. Whether your MIL gave your husband's ex another chance is not really up to you to judge. There is a lot of blame and anger in your comments here. I think that you have been asked to review this position. Anonymous advice is sometimes the best because it's the most honest. I speak from experience on this. If you don't trust your MIL and have legitimate reasons for not wanting her to have regular or any contact with your child (abuse & the household environment) that is your choice, but a compassionate response is free of anger and doesn't fuel the negativity in your family dynamic. You (and your husband) can make these choices from your own peaceful loving place and they will be right for you and your child regardless of what other people are doing in their other relationships.

What I've seen here in this forum is that women are willing to discuss and disagree on critically important issues while respecting others with a common goal to nurture loving family relations in whatever way each woman feels works best for them. In general, anger, blame, and negativity are discouraged, and rightly so, because it is not good for ourselves or our children. It's my opinion that this is the advice that you received and if you don't agree, that is OK. No one is claiming to be right or asserting one right way to approach your situation. We are all giving you feedback to strengthen you as you deal with what is obviously a very difficult situation.

Best wishes,

Puma
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#18 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 10:33 AM
 
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@Mirrorball13 In your OP you stated you wanted feedback positive or negative yet when it's given to you, you get defensive. I did not respond until now bc everything I was thinking was said. Bottom line is you two have not even went to court to try and gain custody. Until you do or are granted custody, you really have no say in the child's life or what the grandma does seeing as she is the only one who has stepped up to care got this child. What was your husband in jail for? Why do you feel he should get a second chance but the child's mother should not?
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#19 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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There are a ton of strong women here, many of whom have been through h*ll. You asked for feedback and you received comments from women who read your post and cared enough to respond given the information provided.

For my part, I encouraged compassion, which is not at all the same as backing down and bending. Compassion is the stance of the truly strong; it is wisdom and courage and hope all wrapped up in a calm effective demeanor. Anger and revenge will not help anyone. If you are hoping to sort out the people who have done *more* wrong, in your opinion, than others in your situation and punish them - well, that's a natural response, but it doesn't seem to me to be a loving constructive response.

I'm saying this as someone who has no relationship with my own parents because they abused me. I'm not angry with them and I don't want to punish them. I wish them well. I just don't want to have them in my life because I want to move forward and am not willing to accept the baggage and tolls that they have continued to demand of me in order to maintain relations with them. Maybe they are giving their baggage to someone else (I hope not) or maybe they are carrying themselves (finally) but blaming and shaming are only negative ways of tying people tightly to you. I wanted to be free and in order to do so had to set them free as well, to make their own destinies and manage the consequences of their actions. What my parents do in their lives and relations with others didn't affect my decision. Whether your MIL gave your husband's ex another chance is not really up to you to judge. There is a lot of blame and anger in your comments here. I think that you have been asked to review this position. Anonymous advice is sometimes the best because it's the most honest. I speak from experience on this. If you don't trust your MIL and have legitimate reasons for not wanting her to have regular or any contact with your child (abuse & the household environment) that is your choice, but a compassionate response is free of anger and doesn't fuel the negativity in your family dynamic. You (and your husband) can make these choices from your own peaceful loving place and they will be right for you and your child regardless of what other people are doing in their other relationships.

What I've seen here in this forum is that women are willing to discuss and disagree on critically important issues while respecting others with a common goal to nurture loving family relations in whatever way each woman feels works best for them. In general, anger, blame, and negativity are discouraged, and rightly so, because it is not good for ourselves or our children. It's my opinion that this is the advice that you received and if you don't agree, that is OK. No one is claiming to be right or asserting one right way to approach your situation. We are all giving you feedback to strengthen you as you deal with what is obviously a very difficult situation.

Best wishes,

Puma
I wasn't referring to you personally making neg comments, just said some neg comments were made and I don't agree with them based on my personal in depth knowledge of the situation. I know that people are commenting based on knowledge given and trying to give a rounded response. I simply commented why I didn't agree or a rebuttal of why I feel the way I do. No one should feel upset or butt hurt I don't get butt hurt. I have a very different approach life and the people I have in it. I don't waste my time or energy on allowing all the negativity which is why it has come down to my husband and I separating ourselves from it. I have found a specific site where the women are actually going through the same type of stuff on a very serious level and can relate. My MIL is entitled to invite whomever she wants in her home yes, she has also shunned her son whom she has always been so close to, so she made her choice and so have we and we are fine to live with it. We don't want our child in a home with a violent meth addict. She isn't bitter about taking care of her grandson for a brief period of time, she had no valid reason to stop the transition of physical custody to dad at that point either. She has always had micro manage and control issues, loves to play the martyr. She wont even acknowledge I am pregnant now. Compassion and peace doesn't work with her, I tried, I got over it and it is safer to not even start or force a relationship with our innocent child who will be used as her next pawn to control and hurt. My husband and I do worry about the safety and welfare of our child with her. We will fight in court for my step son and if the courts finally give the methhead another chance, then we will do our best to be in his life, as the mother will take off again, and or wait for CPS to contact us when she has hurt him again.
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#20 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 11:35 AM
 
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I guess the point is really just needing a sounding board. Pos or neg feedback is acceptable. I don't talk this drama with my DH or family or friend to avoid constant drama conversations.
This is a direct quote from your OP. I don't know how anyone was supposed to take it any differently.
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#21 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 11:48 AM
 
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Compassion and peace doesn't work with her
The whole point of compassion is that you are in charge of YOU, not the other person. You accept the other person and their authority to make their own choices in their own lives. Compassion isn't a tool you use to manipulate other people.

Peace is a place of being where you are free from negative influences so that you can love and act compassionately.

Whatever choice you make, I encourage you to be sure that it comes from a place of compassion so that you don't hurt anyone, especially yourselves and your child. Calling your stepson's mother "methhead" for example is not going to foster respect or compassion in your family EVEN IF this woman never sees her child again because of her addiction. You could try to be a role model to everyone in your family and not to judge others. People suffer terribly from the hurts caused by one another, horrifically, but being in a place of peace and having compassion means that you are in charge of your own life and not living in reaction to the "evil other" identity. This is true freedom. NO MATTER WHAT choices you make: fight in court, cut off contact, restrict relations - it can all be done compassionately.

Ultimately, as a mother, you are in charge of YOU, and to increasingly diminishing degrees, your children. This has nothing whatsoever to do with "other people" and everything to do with how *you* relate to other people. Separating yourself, as you said, may the best position for you now, but if the situation changes, compassion will allow the possibility for healing in the future (and with children, there is always a future, even when we are all dead & gone). You can do this for your family if you have compassion your heart.

Very best wishes
Puma
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#22 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 11:49 AM
 
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Did she say why she was cutting back on allowing visitation. I think knowing that will help you prepare for court. If the mother is clean and getting on her feet now there may be custody issues from her soon too so I'd prepare for that.

Having seen the effects of drugs and the recovery process I can understand why she would be willing to give the mother another chance but is more cautious about her son who made bad choices without addiction being a factor. Having mistrusted my ex's family and their opinion of my ex I want to gently suggest not dismissing that quickly. In my experience families don't turn against each other in this way easily. If something was said or done, or if your step-son said something that was misconstrued or flat out made an allegation that caused her to distrust her son more and limit visitation you really don't want to be blindsided with that knowledge in court.
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#23 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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@Mirrorball13 In your OP you stated you wanted feedback positive or negative yet when it's given to you, you get defensive. I did not respond until now bc everything I was thinking was said. Bottom line is you two have not even went to court to try and gain custody. Until you do or are granted custody, you really have no say in the child's life or what the grandma does seeing as she is the only one who has stepped up to care got this child. What was your husband in jail for? Why do you feel he should get a second chance but the child's mother should not?
I am not getting defensive. I said any feedback yes and I then responded with what and why I dont agree. If someone is feeling butt hurt because we are each stating our opinions then I cant help them and maybe I am not one to post to. I simply do not think its a good idea to place a child back into the arms of a woman who has drugged and abused this boy for so long. I guess if someone believes this is a great idea then fine, I pray they dont have children. This "woman" was arrested for cooking meth in a hotel she had been living out of, the child was malnurished, tested positive for drugs and couldnt walk or speak at the age of 5.CPS is still investigating sexual abuse. This is the tip of the iceburg.We havent gone to court because court is still changing to our state. I just came into picture after hubby has been on track to get his son. My MIL was wanting and desired DH to get primary custody as he shared it with his mom(MIL). So yes between my pregnant self and my caring for my 12 yr old, my 60 civilian work week and my military obligations, and everything other life task, we will initiate court. I stated in another comment that my husband was in jail for a gun that was not licensed to him, he paid his time and is over that. Again he was taking back over for the last year and all in a few weeks it changed. So yeah maybe she decided he was a horrible terrible person after the fact and decided that he was a worse person to put his son with and should no longer have shared rights, the ex should get it all. Maybe its more forgivable to hurt your own kid... I dont know.And yes I have no say at this time, but legally my husband does, and we have the right to protect my new child from being in a home with a mentally ill woman and a life long drug addict. We have the right to choose who is in our childs lives and leave out those who are a disease. She wont acknowledge this pregnancy even at this point , she will not be welcome. My MIL only stepped up because the methheads family wasn't a suitable place for the child when this all went down in the first place.
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I'm not sure why you posted, then? You have very clear ideas on who is right and wrong in this situation and how it should all go down according to your judgements. Discussion works when there is a problem to be solved but is seems that you already know very firmly what you want to do? So the point of posting your situation for feedback does elude me. Since you are receiving a lot of feedback that asks you to consider other points of view, it may be worthwhile to reassess your approach. This doesn't mean to reassess your decision, only your approach to your decision.

Myself, I have received advice or insight that I rejected, even vehemently, and yet stayed with me and was incredibly helpful in the long run. I hope that anything you've read here on this thread may help you and your family now and in the future.

Best wishes
Puma
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#25 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 01:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Did she say why she was cutting back on allowing visitation. I think knowing that will help you prepare for court. If the mother is clean and getting on her feet now there may be custody issues from her soon too so I'd prepare for that.

Having seen the effects of drugs and the recovery process I can understand why she would be willing to give the mother another chance but is more cautious about her son who made bad choices without addiction being a factor. Having mistrusted my ex's family and their opinion of my ex I want to gently suggest not dismissing that quickly. In my experience families don't turn against each other in this way easily. If something was said or done, or if your step-son said something that was misconstrued or flat out made an allegation that caused her to distrust her son more and limit visitation you really don't want to be blindsided with that knowledge in court.
My MIL decided on the 3 way split. 1/3 visit for them, 1/3 for DH/ and 1/3 for the ex. Ex lives at MIL house. So 1/3 rule went to DH getting 1/3 which they say should be 1 day and they merge to 2/3 there. I am not a math genius but I know 1/3 equating from 7 days of the week to split.yet she lives there and now gets 2/3 time, But 6 days. The mother isn't clean. she just failed a drug test in May during court. Based on experiences with MIL she is the type to befriend and turn away when she is not given complete control.She does do alot of childish things. If my husband wont go over and put in a flooring or paint or mow lawn she will severe ties and write to the school and tell them he isnt allowed to pick up his son. I am all for helping family but if he is do her bidding as requested daily how much time is he really getting with our family? Cause step son will be at home with me when she demands he comes and does something for her(MIL).Cleave from your parents, find a happy medium, she doesnt want that. We have thoughts on why MIL is doing all of this but I am not narcissistic and refuse to play these types of games with her. She is no longer in control of her son, I wont be controlled as well.She found someone who is weak that she can control. Because the ex is totally dependent on MIL for everything. Family has been stating that MIL has stated to show some strange signs in judgement, MY BIL wont leave their 1.5 yr alone with MIL anymore. My step son loves his father and is always happy to see him and very upset when he is restricted on account of games. He has never hurt his son and if him holding a weapon that wasn't his makes him such a terrible person then I am stumped why they let him out of prison.He did his time and its behind him. Didn't hurt a soul. He got pulled over with a broken tail like in a work van, he had a un registared gun in the back pack that he had bought from a friend, clearly a dumb move. I own alot of guns and have gone through the process of a permit in our state. We are a family target practices and hunts. My DH isn't a pervert and step son isnt afraid of his father, I can understand if there was something going on, but really isnt what all this comes down to. My husband isnt a pervert, he isnt secretly abusive, my 12 LOVES him. They arent like physically close, huggy like but like a father figure should be. He is stern and compasionate to my son as he is growing. he is a hardworking husband, helps around the house and loves his son with a passion. He is super excited for our baby bean due in January. So I dont know, I was ok with neg criticism and was also hoping that there were people who could relate. No worries, I found a place for that. There is a site where woman who are actually going through the same and some going through worse.. so I am going to post there from now on. Thanks again, take care everyone.
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#26 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 01:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure why you posted, then? You have very clear ideas on who is right and wrong in this situation and how it should all go down according to your judgements. Discussion works when there is a problem to be solved but is seems that you already know very firmly what you want to do? So the point of posting your situation for feedback does elude me. Since you are receiving a lot of feedback that asks you to consider other points of view, it may be worthwhile to reassess your approach. This doesn't mean to reassess your decision, only your approach to your decision.

Myself, I have received advice or insight that I rejected, even vehemently, and yet stayed with me and was incredibly helpful in the long run. I hope that anything you've read here on this thread may help you and your family now and in the future.

Best wishes
Puma
Yeah your right, I shouldn't have come here to post. Thanks for the advice duly noted.
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#27 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 02:03 PM
 
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Thanks again, take care everyone.
Best wishes!
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#28 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 02:23 PM
 
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If she's still on drugs and moved in I think you should report it to cps or his case worker. I seriously doubt that they would be ok with this if there is still an active case for terminating her rights and a plan for compliance. Even if she were in compliance it would be a violation to leave him alone with her if she wasn't clearedfor that kind of contact. I've known a few foster parents and they have to be incredibly careful about who the kids are aaround and left with.

I'm sorry this is hard and makes you feel so defensive. I was not referring to sexual abuse as the only thing the child could have talked about. There are many things a kid can say that may make their parents sound bad.
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#29 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 02:36 PM
 
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If she's still on drugs and moved in I think you should report it to cps or his case worker. I seriously doubt that they would be ok with this if there is still an active case for terminating her rights and a plan for compliance. Even if she were in compliance it would be a violation to leave him alone with her if she wasn't clearedfor that kind of contact. I've known a few foster parents and they have to be incredibly careful about who the kids are aaround and left with.

I'm sorry this is hard and makes you feel so defensive. I was not referring to sexual abuse as the only thing the child could have talked about. There are many things a kid can say that may make their parents sound bad.
Yes the bolded part for sure! It could be something ridiculous and just taken the wrong way by someone that heard it. At 6-7 years old my DD spent the day out with my sister and when they returned I was cooking dinner. When I told her what we were having and that we'd eat in a while when dad got home she said "but I can't eat dinner... I haven't had LUNCH yet!" Um... the kid had just got done talking about their day and having at McDonald's. My sister looked horrified and said what about your happy meal? DD then said oh well you didn't tell me that was lunch. Really? Now if the kid said that to a stranger they may have thought the child wasn't being fed. So like I said it could be something totally silly and just taken the wrong way

Michelle mom to DD , DS , & lil DD plus and spending my days
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#30 of 39 Old 07-16-2014, 03:06 PM
 
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I totally get not wanting to have a relationship with toxic people, relatives or not. If it is your call that baby would not benefit from knowing this grandmother, it makes perfect sense to exclude her from your/your baby's life. However...


If you guys get custody of the older son, some contact with his bio-mom and grand-mom will probably be part of the package; either court-ordered or simply the right thing to do for the kid's sake. I have a child with autism. Although he shows it differently than some other kids, his family relationships are at least as important to him as any one else's. I have also been a foster parent, and I know how precious the bond is with kids and even the most abusive parent. It seems to me you should prepare for Mom and Grandma to be part of your lives. It is hard for me to picture how you could both exclude them from yours/baby's lives, and facilitate a relationship with the older boy.


If you do not end up with custody, all the more reason to maintain a relationship. A child's relationship with is Dad is just as precious. Doesn't your DH want/need a relationship with his son? How could that happen without an ongoing relationship with MIL? Additionally, an extra set of eyes on the situation could be useful if their are any questions of neglect or abuse in the future.


It sounds like you have bought into a package deal - sort of all or nothing. Of course all contact with MIL and a new baby must be 100% supervised, but I can't see any way to set up such a complex family situation without any contact (although I totally get wanting to try!)

Rhu - mother,grandmother,daughter,sister,friend-foster,adoptive,and biological;not necessarily in that order. Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I had a good life all the way (Jimmy Buffet)

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