Guilt anyone? Am I the only one? Let's talk about guilt.... - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-16-2005, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
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Let's talk about guilt and our children. I know it really doesn't serve any purpose. I also know that by having guilt, I am going to be a better parent. But how about guilt over something you can't control?

Anyone feel free to post their guilt stories here! I'll go first.....

My first born was parented with frustration and he is the most frustrated, angry kid! I know for fact that this is my fault. I was so tired all the time and impatient with him. I was also very rigid. UGH! He is 10 now and such a great kid, but he does have issues with intolerance. I know some of it is his age and some of it is genetics. But it does go deeper than that.....

I also feel guilty for my daughter. She is hearing impaired and I suffer horrible guilt over this. While I realize that it isn't my fault, it really is! She is the only child that I had an epidural with and I believe that is why she is hearing impaired.

I was in transition and panicking during labor. The nurses offered drugs and I accepted. I was crying while I accepted because I didn't want drugs, but I gave in......(the anesthesiologist was shocked that I was that upset over getting the epidural) So I got the drugs at a few minutes before 1:00 pm and she was born at 1:26. My legs and lower body were so numb I couldn't feel anything (obviously). My dd was stuck in the birth canal waiting on the doctor to arrive. When she was born she was completely purple from head to toe. I'm talking this purple. We had a few moments of nervousness where she was almost taken but it all turned out okay! Fast forward 5 years and she is diagnosed with mild bi-lateral sensorial neural hearing loss (I think I said that right). This means it's permanent and both ears. Granted it is mild. That's good! Doctors don't know why but from the research I've done on it, it's clear that those little nerves are easily damaged during birth if they are deprived of oxygen.

Okay - so it's my fault for 1). Not requesting to be checked before agreeing to the epi 2). Accepting the wait on the doctor 3) Not being forceful when I kept explaining to the nurse that I felt pressure 4)not working through the pain - which I had been successfully doing for 2 hours

For the rest of her life she will have this to carry. I have come a long way with the guilt over this. She's 9 now. But it's still my fault.

Okay - that's my Saturday night feel sorry for me story...

NEXT!

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Old 01-16-2005, 12:57 AM
 
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I think epidurals can be godsends. I don't fault anyone who's at the end of her rope in labor for having one! I don't know, but I have never heard of that kind of complication from having an epidural. At any rate, I would bet money that you didn't think you were taking that kind of risk when you agreed to it. I know your dd will be fine, because she has a caring, loving, involved mama.

Guilt? Gosh, yes, I have it. I feel guilty because I let my dh talk me into getting our ds circed. (I am sure my MDC membership card will be revoked at any moment. : ) I feel guilty because I have not been as patient with my kids as I should have been. I have yelled and screamed and been unreasonable when I SWORE I wouldn't parent the way my parents did. I feel guilty because I didn't cloth diaper 100% of the time. I feel guilty because I didn't have the courage to have home births.

All I can do is keep trying, and remember what I feel good about. I feel good about breastfeeding each of my children for at least 3 years. I feel good about never letting them CIO at night. I feel good about being a SAHM. I feel good about waiting longer with each child to start preschool. I feel good about taking baby steps to healthier eating for the family. I feel good about learning more patience each day.
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Old 01-17-2005, 08:26 PM - Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Verity


I think epidurals can be godsends. I don't fault anyone who's at the end of her rope in labor for having one! I don't know, but I have never heard of that kind of complication from having an epidural. At any rate, I would bet money that you didn't think you were taking that kind of risk when you agreed to it. I know your dd will be fine, because she has a caring, loving, involved mama.

Guilt? Gosh, yes, I have it. I feel guilty because I let my dh talk me into getting our ds circed. (I am sure my MDC membership card will be revoked at any moment. : ) I feel guilty because I have not been as patient with my kids as I should have been. I have yelled and screamed and been unreasonable when I SWORE I wouldn't parent the way my parents did. I feel guilty because I didn't cloth diaper 100% of the time. I feel guilty because I didn't have the courage to have home births.

All I can do is keep trying, and remember what I feel good about. I feel good about breastfeeding each of my children for at least 3 years. I feel good about never letting them CIO at night. I feel good about being a SAHM. I feel good about waiting longer with each child to start preschool. I feel good about taking baby steps to healthier eating for the family. I feel good about learning more patience each day.
Thank you for your kind response. You are right, I didn't imagine trouble or I wouldn't have done it! But the fact remains that I did something to my child that caused damage. Guilty.

I'm going to copy you next time I get upset when dd misses something people say or when she stares at someone blankly after they ask a question! Instead of feeling sorry, I'm gonna thank g*d that dh and I are doing what is right for her.

Thank you Verity! And your card is not revoked. I don't beat myself up to bad about losing it or not being patient every once in a while. That's normal. The main reason I'm okay with that is because I talk to the children and explain to them that sometimes Mommy can be intolerant.

I guess the reason I was feeling quilty Saturday (and honestly, the guilt has not really raised it's head in years) is because dd has started asking questions. And I explained to her why I thought she was hearing impaired. It hurt.

Thanks again!

lisa

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Old 01-17-2005, 08:51 PM
 
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I feel soooo guilty about so many things everyday!!!

I'll try to post more about them later. :
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Old 01-17-2005, 09:13 PM
 
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Epidurals can cause a lot of problems and complications, but deafness isn't one of them. I'd be more inclined to say it was during early pregnancy, and completely beyond your control. Sometimes, it just happens.

I think guilt is a very useful emotion, when it's not obsessive. Guilt tells us when we've done something wrong and reminds us to fix it and work harder. Sometimes guilt goes out of control, and then it's anxiety that plagues us... but we aren't going to FEEL guilty to begin with unless we suspect we could have done something different.

I feel guilty about a few things. One in particular has been on my mind recently. I wrote it out in response to someone about new moms wanting to 'take a break'. So it's under that context that I copy/paste it :

When my daughter was born, I did not feel bonded to her at all. Mine was not due to a bad birth experience, but shock and denial. I tried so, so hard to get pregnant. I Cried for so long, and convinced myself out of protection that I just could not have children naturally and I never would. I just shut down, and admitted I was faulty and broken.
When we got pregnant on our OWN I freaked out. I was in complete denial about being pregnant. Even as my belly grew, and my breasts were full of milk, and I felt this life moving, I still did not believe I would give birth. When she was born, I was in complete shock. I took care of this baby, and deep down I loved her, but she wasn't mine. She didn't feel like she was mine. I was just watching her until her real mother came. Because I couldn't have children.
I didn't recognize this as PPD at the time, because I thought PPD = terribly depressed.

My bond with her gradually came in, so subtly that I didn't notice it at first. I think breastfeeding helped so, so, so much. Without it, I would have no reason to think she was truly mine. Coming out of me made no difference. But breastfeeding her 20 times a day showed me that I could only be her mother. Without it, this would have been so much harder. I Think that's part of the reason I fought so hard to keep nursing... subconsciously I knew this is what would make the difference.
When she was two weeks old, I left her with my mother for two hours because an opportunity came where I go to a community event. I felt nothing at the time, because I still felt she wasn't mine. As soon as I came home (even though she'd slept the whole time) felt a twinge. And months later it overwhelmed me. I LEFT my newborn baby. That was a symptom of the bigger problem: bonding.
I wish someone had told me not to go, and told me why. She slept the entire time with my mom in her bed, so it's not as though she even noticed, but *I* still think about it. I needed to bond with her, to spend more time, more activities, to let those feelings come to me. Getting away helped distract me from them, and how does that help my situation? So, now the phrase "Taking a break" does not sit well with me. I think if a mother feels she needs one, then something different needs to happen. Not to say she should be blamed, but instead supported.



That's my big guilty moment right now.

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Old 01-17-2005, 09:33 PM
 
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Right now I am having some serious trouble adjusting to the fact that we are having a second child. I feel so guilty knowing that his life is going to have a major change, I feel like it's unfair to him. Right now ds's life is pretty perfect. He's adored by all, gets tons of one on one time with us and our families. We have enough money to give him everything he wants, from a new book to a college eduation. I'm terrified that he will end up feeling the way I did when my brother and sister were born. That he will feel like he's not important enough anymore.

FYI, my brother and sister are twins, born when I was 3 and my mom used to tell me I wasn't special enough, because I was only 1 kid. So yea, I have issues.

I don't think my dh really gets how I feel, but I'm also scared to really try and explain it. I talked to a good friend who just had her second and she said she felt the same way. But as soon as she had her son, all those feelings washed away. I'm sure she's right, but I feel horribly guilty anyway.

I also feel guilty because we moved away from my dad and he's got nothing to do without ds and I there. We tried to get him to move but he wouldn't so I know it's not my fault, but I still feel guilty.
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Old 01-17-2005, 09:41 PM
 
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Mamalisa, i totally understand the guilt about having another child. When we were pg with our twins, I was convinced I was doing DS1 a disservice. Same thing when I was pg with DS3. I was so upset that he was taking DD and DS2's place as the "babies". And, yet again, when I was pg with DS4. I was so sad. DS3 was supposed to be the baby forever, and then... well, Adam happened!! :LOL

I feel guilty because right now, I'm typing this post rather than playing with my kids. I feel guilty that I don't homeschool, I feel guilty that I don't work. I feel guilty that I don't "support" myself.

I've got a loooooong list of guilt.

As for epidurals, I can understand. I honestly didn't feel strongly about how the birth happened, just that the baby came, KWIM? Damn, I feel guilt about that!!!
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Old 01-17-2005, 09:52 PM
 
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Let's see......

I feel guilty becasue I only bf'ed my son for six weeks. I gave u too quickly because I was tired. if i could go back nd do it again, I never, never would have weaned him. I kept telling myself that is wass OK because I had to go back to work and there really weren't ny facilities to pump. The thing is is that I LOVED breastfeeding my son, it felt so right, but i let exhaustion get the best of me.

I feel guilty because I had my son circumcised. I wish that I would have done more research on it BEFORE I had it done. Everytime I look at my babies scared penis, I feel terrible.

I feel guilty because I let the nurses at the hospital pressure me into having an epidural. The pain was not all that bad, but they kept telling me that I needed it becasue i was not relaxing between contractions and that I would stop progressing. Stupid nurses, I wish I hadn't of listened.

I feel guilty because I HAVE to work. I hate working, I want to be home with my ds, but unfortunately we have to eat and have a roof over our heads, so I am away from him for 9 1/2 hours a day.
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Old 01-17-2005, 10:42 PM
 
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I have epi-guilt, too. I went into labor over 3 weeks before my EDD and we hadn't finished the crappy, fake Lamaze, hospital classes yet. And we let the doctors AROM when I got to the hospital (ANOTHER point of guilt). My poor DH thought that there was something wrong when I started screaming from the change in contractions and wasn't much help in breathing. So I ended up with an epi because I had no way to cope with the amazing pain that started suddenly.

I had a lot of guilt because my DD cried for LITERALLY the first 6 months of her life. Nearly every moment. She also was FTT, jaundice and had major nursing problems. I felt like that was from my letting them AROM and the epi. That her birth came too early for her and the epi messed her up, too.

On the brighter side, we spent a lot of those 6 months just trying to make her smile acting goofy and stuff. She is 14 mo and has such an INCREDIBLE sense of humor. She knows when things are funny and will do stuff to intentionally make us laugh. And she is incredibly sensitive and verbal. So her problems forced us to be in contact with her much more than we might have. And I think helped her develop some extrordinary skills...
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