Frustrating sunday - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 09:49 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
DebraBaker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 4,995
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had a rough day yesterday (second sunday in a row)

We set up our church two weeks on, four weeks off. It takes about 1 1/2 hours and it's tedious.

It's worse because dh is a perfectionist and that makes matters worse. So we're taking church apart (chairs, sound equipment, etc.) and I'm getting hungry and when I'm hungry I get low blood sugar and grouchy and dh keeps going with his perfectionist anal retentive thing while the rest of the family *waits* for him. The waiting around for him seems to be a big trigger for me because he's constantly making me wait around for him like I'm supposed to be like the dog waiting excitedly for its master to give it attention. This made me more irritated because he couldn't wait the literal two minutes for me to load up in the car that morning.

Soooooo I'm annoyed but didn't start an arguement.

Our church rents space in the firehall (we have land and are about to break ground for a building) and someone had set the chairs up differently earlier in the week and my daughter, Jeanette, and I adapted the chairs to the church's needs and the assistant Pastor (get rid of the istant) comes around and tells us to modify the chairs. Jeanette and I don't particularly like this fellow because he's anal (like dh) and bosses us around like that. I asked dh whisper in his ear not overheard, why AP couldn't deal with the chairs himself if he didn't like the way we did it and he got mad at *me*.

Note: Jeanette was as annoyed as I at this AP.

So later on the boys wanted to have their friends over for the afternoon and I told them that we didn't have enough hot dogs for everyone so if they wanted Jeffery and Miles over they would eat PB%J sandwiches instead of hot dogs. The boys agreed to this so we had the friends over after church.

Sooo...(and if you're still reading this, bless you) I finally get home lightheaded because I'm having a low sugar episode and admittedly grumpy (told dh this as well) He starts on me about the hot dogs(!!!) I put some fries in the oven as soon as I get into the house and *he* starts making pb%J for *himself* I told him the boys agreed to eat the PB%J and he said they all wanted hot dogs (!!!) and proceded to get on my ass because there were no potato chips and *he* didn't want to eat *his* sandwiches with *fries*. I remided him that everyone prefered fries with their hot dogs and he said not with PB&J and I sort of lost it at that point.

Upon thinking about it without the emotion and the grumpiness from not having enough sugar I'm realizing I'm annoyed because he does things like that (both things mentioned) and looks good to others but it's at *my* expense!!!

But he had an arguement with me and was tellng me I won't be able to hold down a job because I can't take orders from people in authority. I told him that I was *volunteering* to set up the church and the APastor doesn't *pay* me and I don't feel the need to satisfy his anal perfectionism and this doesn't relate to future work because I'm not going to work for someone with that type of personality. DH worked through my 6yo's birthday last Sunday and *he's* a boss's wet dream because he'll do anything to kiss someone's ass and look good to the outside world but it's at our family's expense. If I set up and maintain firm boundries I'm not necessarily making myself unemployable but perhaps unexploitable.

I think I may need to do things to maintain my boundries with dh such as take two cars and let him finish his perfectionistic thing without making seven people wait in the van for him.

Sorry to go on but I've been waiting for a day to vent about this..

Debra Baker
DebraBaker is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 09:59 AM
 
IfMamaAintHappy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 2,504
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
mama. I havent been up long enough to think through what you said and offer any actual feedback, but I know what it's like to have that sort of husband, and his reaction about telling you that you couldnt work because of having issues with authority, yeah that's something my DH would pull too.
IfMamaAintHappy is offline  
#3 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 10:04 AM
 
Mom4tot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Pemberley
Posts: 15,236
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Debra. I'm sorry you had such a rough day. It sounds like things with your dh escalated through the afternoon. Maybe he is jealous that you are able to set boundaries and say no when it makes sense. He may be taking it out on you a bit over things like "hot dogs". Hope you have a better day today.

~Joan, Happy mom to 2 beautiful kiddos, one new puppy and 2 lovely felines
Mom4tot is offline  
#4 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 10:20 AM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
DebraBaker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 4,995
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, I'm ver optimistic about today!!! I saw dh off to work, I'm about to send child #7 to elementary school and will be left with still sleeping and very sweethearted Julianna until PM Kindergarten. Then I go to school.

db
DebraBaker is offline  
#5 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 10:31 AM
 
OwensMa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The land of milk and honey
Posts: 3,520
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry yesterday was so lousy. I do hope your Monday is much better. Don't forget to eat!
OwensMa is offline  
#6 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 10:34 AM
 
Wilhemina's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Villa Villekulla
Posts: 2,255
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
First, (((hugs))) (can't make my smilies work, is that the old-fashioned way?)
I think difficult Sundays are more difficult than other difficult days because we expect Sundays to be restful, uplifting, and fun.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DebraBaker
IThe waiting around for him seems to be a big trigger for me because he's constantly making me wait around for him like I'm supposed to be like the dog waiting excitedly for its master to give it attention.

This absolutely drives me batty too! Are you generally an on time person while your dh isn't? I remember times I thought I would explode with rage at being made to wait - again - while he did something I thought much less important than honoring my time. We both still work on this one!

Prayerful thoughts for a better day today!
Wilhemina is offline  
#7 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 10:52 AM
Red
 
Red's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: at my keyboard, writing my novel.
Posts: 4,392
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, i'd definitely take two cars!

And I'd be taling to him tonight, after he's had time to eat and relax, and tell him, heck, I'd be telling him a lot!

I'd explain that I didn't work for either him or the AP, and I was no longer going to be spoken to in that way. If you don't speak in a respectful way, don't expect results. And the next time the AP crossed the line, I would say, "Excuse me, I thought this way would be fine. I'm volunteering, with my kids, to help out. If this isn't up to your standards, maybe you'd like to take care of it." Then I'd go out with the kids and get som e breakfast.

Also, if you get low blood sugar, carry a granola bar. Thisis a simple thing to care for and makes a world of diff in your attitude.

Hmm, tonight for dinner I'd be serving something I knew he didn't like!
Red is offline  
#8 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 12:17 PM
 
Teresa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Maryland
Posts: 584
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Debra,
Any chance he does this intentionally?
If not, then by all means, take separate cars when you anticipate these kinds of things, take an always-ready bag-o-snacks, take a great book, knitting or other distraction. And maybe, since he and your ass istant pastor are so particular, leave it to them to manage the details.

As for household issues, set your boundaries and stay with them in a loving, gentle way.
For example, if he needs the sheets changed more than once a week, that's fine! You stick to your Saturday sheet changes and he is welcome to take responsibility for anything beyond that.

I'm not sure I completely understand the lunch fiasco, but I think saying, "Honey, the boys and I already agreed that they are going to be eating sandwiches. If you want to change the plan, that's fine. I'm going to fix myself lunch and a nice cup of tea and go sit on the porch. I'll let the kids know that you're taking care of their lunch."
Then get out!

The trick is to do it calmly, when your blood sugar and temper are not 'off.' And to be caring and sincere to both him, and yourself.
You're doing XYZ to make him happy--knowing it will make you frustrated.
Decide in advance how much of X,Y or Z you can do without feeling resentful, then do it with a happy heart and leave the rest!

I'm not saying 'Don't Do' for him or be hard-hearted.
Just stop enabling him and making yourself resentful of it.

I'm sure there are many unpleasant things that you do to make him happy, and which you do with a happy heart--sort of like washing cloth diapers--it can be dirty, unpleasant work at times, but it feels so good!

I'm not talking about those things, but setting yourself up to resent him, when maybe you resent yourself a bit for not drawing clear boundaries and sticking to them.
(Ask me about my MIL sometime! ; ) )

FWIW, I would have flipped had my DP said to me that I wouldn't be a good employee because I couldn't take orders. Take orders? From whom? Him?
The pastor? Orders? Orders! You children had better run outside and play for awhile, Mama's got some things to say!

Hang in there, and just for fun, why don't you go mix-match all his black & navy socks today. (just kidding)

Teresa
Teresa is offline  
#9 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 12:37 PM
 
Irishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with heartmama
Posts: 45,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have nothing to add, they said it so much better than I could have!!
Irishmommy is offline  
#10 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 01:32 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
DebraBaker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 4,995
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks, everyone.

The making me wait...that's old deeply rooted issue. I think he does it on purpose but not consciously. It's control issue or something. I get irritated and he acts innocent.

I think I need to adjust the environment to prevent him from doing this to me. He does it. A lot. He hogs up the bathroom and piddleputs around keeping me waiting. What I noticed yesterday is he doesn't wait for *me* He took the van up to church without me (he actually gets there sooner than he needs to and then we wait around for church to begin, grrr.

I'm feeling a bit insecure about the work thing (he knows where to aim if you know what I mean) because I have a B in Stats and feel as though I'm stupid and have contributed the chaff to the childrens' gene pool. I have been a SAHM all of my adult life and am going back to school and need to increase my confidence.

He is very picky about his food. This is problem he doesn't acknowledge. It is another deep-rooted thing that goes way beyond the obvious. He's better than before but there are bad memories associated with him starting to nitpic the food (like the fries weren't acceptible with the sandwiches, he must have chips....a lot of petty rules like that but worse.)

The granola bar, I laugh!!! How long until one of the vultures disguised as my children had at the granola bar and even if *I* wasn't hungry my *children* would have been hungry.

Part of the problem with taking two cars is my son took the other car to his rugby game so we only had the van, grrrr. Next time AssIstant P. could drive his drone (aka dh) home after their little perfectionistic stint.

At this point I had that, "I'm not a servant and don't feel like I should be bossed around" and his, "If you don't want to follow AP's orders don't do it" To which I responded, "fine with me, find some other fools to help you because the kids and I quit" and he said, "fine" but I KNOW I'll be back up there next week setting up....and, oh, yes, we teach sunday school, too.

DB
DebraBaker is offline  
#11 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 01:57 PM
 
georgia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: tl;dr
Posts: 25,384
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DB, just wanted to say a B in stats is nothing to sneeze at!!! YOU are not the one contributing anything faulty gene-wise

you're one smart mama---don't forget that! personally, i totally agree the ability to NOT listen to *authority* and/or question it is a wonderful trait. cultivate it

hang in there!

I have retired from administration work, so if you have a question about anything MDC-related, please contact Cynthia Mosher. Thanks!
 
georgia is offline  
#12 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 02:10 PM
 
Queen Gwen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1,821
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by DebraBaker

I'm feeling a bit insecure about the work thing (he knows where to aim if you know what I mean) because I have a B in Stats and feel as though I'm stupid and have contributed the chaff to the childrens' gene pool. I have been a SAHM all of my adult life and am going back to school and need to increase my confidence.


DB
As far as not being able to take orders from folks in authority and all that fal de ral...dh is heavily embedded in corporate life. He occasionally tells his boss (who is another of those "leave out the 'istant' types), "I'm sorry, I can't do that...that would interfer with my family life, and that's one of my values, to have a strong family life." His boss (who is typically a jerk, has no family values that we can discern) says, "that's really neat." And lets dh have his way. In other words, his boss and corporation actually *value* that dh has boundaries, and isn't a doormat willing to do anything and everything for the sake of the job.

So, being willing to do stupid things for the sake of a stupid authority figure isn't a prerequisite to being able to hold a job. Of course, I'm sure folks could tell about a billion anecdotes the other way (that they have to do any stupid thing), but it's not necessarily true of all jobs. Emotional intelligence is incredibly important in the workplace; I can't imagine rearing kids and being a SAHM without developing some savvy people skills.
Queen Gwen is offline  
#13 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 05:33 PM - Thread Starter
Banned
 
DebraBaker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: PA
Posts: 4,995
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I just got back from school and I got a perfect score in the second part of that test and professor said she'd give me partial credit for two problems. Soooooo, I may have a low A

I know, I know it isn't the important issue.
DebraBaker is offline  
#14 of 14 Old 03-21-2005, 07:19 PM
 
Irishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with heartmama
Posts: 45,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
But it's still awesome!!
Irishmommy is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off