Any chance he does this intentionally?
If not, then by all means, take separate cars when you anticipate these kinds of things, take an always-ready bag-o-snacks, take a great book, knitting or other distraction. And maybe, since he and your ass istant pastor are so particular, leave it to them to manage the details.
As for household issues, set your boundaries and stay with them in a loving, gentle way.
For example, if he needs the sheets changed more than once a week, that's fine! You stick to your Saturday sheet changes and he is welcome to take responsibility for anything beyond that.
I'm not sure I completely understand the lunch fiasco, but I think saying, "Honey, the boys and I already agreed that they are going to be eating sandwiches. If you want to change the plan, that's fine. I'm going to fix myself lunch and a nice cup of tea and go sit on the porch. I'll let the kids know that you're taking care of their lunch."
Then get out!
The trick is to do it calmly, when your blood sugar and temper are not 'off.' And to be caring and sincere to both him, and yourself.
You're doing XYZ to make him happy--knowing it will make you frustrated.
Decide in advance how much of X,Y or Z you can do without feeling resentful, then do it with a happy heart and leave the rest!
I'm not saying 'Don't Do' for him or be hard-hearted.
Just stop enabling him and making yourself resentful of it.
I'm sure there are many unpleasant things that you do to make him happy, and which you do with a happy heart--sort of like washing cloth diapers--it can be dirty, unpleasant work at times, but it feels so good!
I'm not talking about those things, but setting yourself up to resent him, when maybe you resent yourself a bit for not drawing clear boundaries and sticking to them.
(Ask me about my MIL sometime! ; ) )
FWIW, I would have flipped had my DP said to me that I wouldn't be a good employee because I couldn't take orders. Take orders? From whom? Him?
The pastor? Orders? Orders! You children had better run outside and play for awhile, Mama's got some things to say!
Hang in there, and just for fun, why don't you go mix-match all his black & navy socks today. (just kidding)