my mainstream friend lets her baby CIO - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 02:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my good friend just had a baby 4 weeks ago. i was catching up with her and she told me her baby CIO for 2 hours every night/ i was upset to hear that. i don't know if i should say anything or just let it go. she is a pretty receptive person. should i just mind my own business?

Mama to three hilarious kiddos- Dylan 10, Edison 7, Violet 3. Partner to my sweet man since 2/2/02- mostly just doing.

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#2 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 02:43 PM
 
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At 4 weeks I wouldn't let it go! Not having calls of hunger (or any other NEED) answered at that age could put that baby in a dangerous situation.
Tact isn't one of my best points, but there must be some way to bring it up convincingly and in a way that is less likely to make her defensive.

poor babe
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#3 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 02:46 PM
 
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I agree, try giving her some articles or books or something. Even CIO advocates do not recommend using the method on babies this young. I think even Ezzo says 6 months, or maybe it's 4... anyway, 4 weeks is way too young, regardless of anyone's felings about CIO in general.
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#4 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 02:50 PM
 
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I would ask her how it is working for her and go from there. Oh wait, the baby is 4 weeks old. No, I'd probably use stronger terms. I would really worry about the baby becoming dehydrated and not getting enough to eat at such a young age, not to mention the whole dopamine receptor thing and issues with abandonment.

Could you express surprise and ask why? Maybe print out some articles about the science behind attachment theory and the importance of holding your crying child. I assume she is not holding him, although maybe she is holding him and the baby is just crying anyway.

Mothering has had some good articles on this in the past, but I'm not sure if you can access them from the website or not.
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#5 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 02:53 PM
 
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My other thought is maybe your friend is telling you this because on some level she feels guilty and is upset about it, and wants your input. I know that when I feel bad about things, I end up "confessing" but when I'm feeling comfortable with my decision, I don't
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#6 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for the input!i thought 4 weeks was way too young also! i think maybe she was telling me because she isn't sure if its the right thing to do. i told her my babies have always slept with me and we've never had any problems with going to sleep at night. when she was pregnant she told me she wasn't having any of the sleeping together in the bed stuff because she didn't want to deal with an older child still in the bed.(mine is three and now loves his bed-which i did tell her)also she is returning to work in 2 mths and i think she wants her "trained". i am supposed to visit her next week and i might ask her how its going and try to offer her some alternative solutions. they told me it was so hard to listen to the baby cry that long. (duh) i told them i could never let mine cry more than 5 minutes.

Mama to three hilarious kiddos- Dylan 10, Edison 7, Violet 3. Partner to my sweet man since 2/2/02- mostly just doing.

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#7 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:17 PM
 
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Please please please gently tell her she shouldn't do that! Even the staunch CIOers would agree that 4 weeks is too young. Oh, that makes me sad. Sounds like she might need some good advice from a trusted friend

My mom used to have us CIO in infancy, she was telling me to do it around that age. Imagine if I hadn't known better?
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#8 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:19 PM
 
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Science of attachment article in Mothering: http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...ttachment.html

The human cerebral cortex adds 70 percent of its final DNA content after birth.15 Consequently, the expanding brain is directly influenced by its environment, thus creating an interplay between biology and social environment.16 With the help of neuroscience and sophisticated use of technologies such as EEG, PET, and MRI, we are now able to see just how this interplay looks. What has emerged is mounting evidence that stress and trauma impair optimal brain development while healthy attachment promotes it.17, 18

The Science of Mother Love: http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...ther-love.html

Distressed Babies Need to be Held: http://www.mothering.com/articles/ne...onnection.html
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#9 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:19 PM
 
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*
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#10 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:21 PM
 
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Aww, that is so sad. I would definately talk to her about it.

Mama to a teen and tween
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#11 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for the links, save me some time researching. i didn't know some of the science behind it
i just knew it wasn't right from my gut, you know?
thanks for listening! i love MDC!

Mama to three hilarious kiddos- Dylan 10, Edison 7, Violet 3. Partner to my sweet man since 2/2/02- mostly just doing.

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#12 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:22 PM
 
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that isn't "mainstrem" thats's just mean.

poor baby.

hope you are able to be an advocate for the baby.

l, <>< wife to my sweetie, proud mama to 3 cubs, 2 who clw & 1 that i i ep for . baby was evicted early by induction due to severe pre-e/hellp syndrome
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#13 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:23 PM
 
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OMG, cio at only 4 weeks old! I'd definitely tell her the baby is way too young to do that to. Babies under 6 months cannot manipulate you, he is in obvious need of something to be crying for two hours!

student/sahm to three awesome girls who are always on the go!
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#14 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:30 PM
 
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That breaks my heart. I would probably talk to her about how it must make her feel (I'm imagining awful, to hear the poor thing wail) and to tell her that those feelings are her natural mama instincts, that it's important to learn to trust those....her baby needs her.

Quote:
Even the staunch CIOers would agree that 4 weeks is too young
. That's the route I took with a friend intending to CIO. I told her that even Weissbluth, Ferber, etc didn't advocate sleep training so you (her baby was a month) and at least I figured I bought myself some time to "work" on her, KWIM?

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#15 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 03:32 PM
 
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4 weeks!!! That's terrible!
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#16 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 04:39 PM
 
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I'm sorry I know this is your friend and I don't mean to be abrasive but that's just plain WRONG. I can't understand how anyone could think other wise. How can any mama listen to their new born cry it out for 2 hours for God sake? How is the baby falling asleep for naps? Is she bonding with her child? Could she have ppd? Has she read any books? Can you lend her some material to read? Please mama find the words and the time to educate this woman in a loving manner. Somethings not right here. My heart breaks for this child. Tina
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#17 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i have only spoken to her that once so i don't know about her mental health-ppd. i know she is breatfeeding and i thought the baby should fall asleep on the breast at that age so i was thinking maybe there is something else going on with the baby like gas or something.i am the least confrontational person ever, but i will bring up the CIO with her and see if i can change her mind.i am afraid she will quit nursing because i know she has tons of formula samples at her house so i have asked her how the nursing is going and if she has any questions.i just don't want to come off as some know it all.

Mama to three hilarious kiddos- Dylan 10, Edison 7, Violet 3. Partner to my sweet man since 2/2/02- mostly just doing.

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#18 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 04:57 PM
 
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Please, I wasn't suggesting be confrontational in any means. Just a loving friend who wants the best for her friend and child. Maybe hanging out with her for an afternoon may answer some questions and give you some insight and her an opportunity to see you interact with your children and her baby. Just a thought, Tina
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#19 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 05:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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tina,
i know what you mean. i was just saying, i am one of those people who silently disagrees. i prefer not to make a scene ever so to even gently say something will be difficult. i was planning on being very supportive and helpful rather than on my soapbox. thanks for the advice!

Mama to three hilarious kiddos- Dylan 10, Edison 7, Violet 3. Partner to my sweet man since 2/2/02- mostly just doing.

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#20 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 05:21 PM
 
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I know this one lady who volunteers w/ me on this comitte and our youngest children are about 6 weeks apart. I was shocked to hear her say that she just lets her DS cry himself to sleep becuase that just the way he is! I was shocked and speechless. I try to be a model of positive parenting for her but it doesn't seem like it has any impact. How do you talk to people about that? This is her 2nd child too!
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#21 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 05:27 PM
 
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I think you should definitely say something to her. Perhaps she doesn't know how dangerous it is to his development.

I think Dr Sears has some things you could print out or email her, usually his language gets the point across without feeling inflamatory.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#22 of 24 Old 06-04-2005, 06:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by star792
tina,
i know what you mean. i was just saying, i am one of those people who silently disagrees. i prefer not to make a scene ever so to even gently say something will be difficult. i was planning on being very supportive and helpful rather than on my soapbox. thanks for the advice!

I know you'll do a great job! Keep us posted as to the outcome. Tina
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#23 of 24 Old 06-05-2005, 01:17 AM
 
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I have a friend who did CIO with her baby at 4 weeks. When she told me about it the child was 2'ish so it was too late. But it made me literally feel ill to think about it. And now the girl is about 10/11 and has issues with food. It kind of makes you wonder if she learned way back when that just because she was hungry didn't mean that she was supposed to have food, KWIM?

So maybe you could tell your friend that story? That girl turned down dh's offer of a donut once (she was 5 I think) because she "didn't want to get fat." And her mom says that she has to force her to eat. Now her mom would never win any points for the worlds best parent in any category, but still.
'
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#24 of 24 Old 06-05-2005, 07:32 AM
 
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This "sticky" here at MDC discusses this boards policy about CIO which I agree with http://mothering.com/discussions/sho...e=1&pp=20agree

Take the time to heal from your marriage before you move on with someone else. Make a list of all the qualities you would like in a new partner and then work on growing that way yourself. ~mandib50
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