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#151 of 171 Old 08-07-2005, 07:10 PM
 
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I guess for me I want for my children that special close relationship like I had with my grandparents. I loved staying over with them and remember hiding from my parents when it was time to go home :LOL

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#152 of 171 Old 08-07-2005, 07:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by eightyferrettoes
If my DIL wanted to hang out with me and the grandkids, I'd like that, too.

I just don't get this "alone time" thing; the only family member I need special alone time with is DH, and that's because 'tis disconcerting to folks to have sex in the family room.

:LOL
Only if the family room is occupied at the time :LOL

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#153 of 171 Old 08-07-2005, 07:16 PM
 
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Yeah, I have great memories from my grandparents, too.

But the onus was on them to respect my parents' wishes, and not to carp about it in front of us-- and they always ponied up. Even when they disagreed.

Stuff like cookies, coke, wouldn't bother me. But since they bother the OP, it's up to Grandma to fix it, not up to Mom to look the other way.

KWIM?
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#154 of 171 Old 08-07-2005, 07:31 PM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Sharlla
Wouldn't you want to spend time with your grandbaby?

Sure, and my son/DIL and daughter/SIL, as well. I wouldn't want the baby without the parents, unless THEY needed/wanted me to babysit.


Grandparents become grandparents almost on accident--the people they gave birth to reproduced, as well. It doesn't give you any special rights. If we had chosen not to have children for some reason, then she wouldn't be a grandma. And having the kids was really MY idea--dh just went along with it. So, MIL should be ESPECIALLY nice to me! They are MY CHILDREN first, and then they are grandchildren secondarily.

See, you don't get to DEMAND time. Last summer she said to my ds (who was two at the time): "I'd babysit you if your mom would ever GO anywhere." (In a nasty tone.) Uh, believe me, she didn't babysit AT ALL that summer!

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#155 of 171 Old 08-07-2005, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
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Also, she's always treated me as non-existent/invisible. For example, she's always pulling out the camera to take pictures of dh and the kids......but not me. She'll wait until I've walked away for a second before she snaps a shot.

Another example: When we had been married about seven years, she walked into my house, wanting to cut a loaf of bread she had bought, and asked in all seriousness: "Where does (dh) keep his knives?" Uh, excuse me lady, but I live here too, and that, by extension, means that the knives are MINE as well!


So, I guess the "leave the kid with me and you go away" statement feels like an extension of that.

But, conversely, she expects all sorts of "grandparent" perks. After dd was born, she demanded that we send her cards specifically labeled "grandma," in addition to the cards we were already sending her. (So she expected two Christmas cards, two birthday cards, etc.) And I swear, dd wasn't even six months old yet! Yes, the "grandma" cards are nice, but to demand them? Rude.


Wow, this thread is getting long. What do I owe you guys.......$60, $70 bucks an hour? (therapy joke)

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#156 of 171 Old 08-07-2005, 09:01 PM
 
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Yup. When inlaws treat you like crap, why would you want to trust them with your kiddo?
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#157 of 171 Old 08-07-2005, 10:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A
Well, I, the WOHM who started this thread, RARELY take personal time. Even then, it's only when I REALLY need it--like getting my cavities filled. Perhaps I could use more time than I take? Maybe. But I figure I'm away from my kids enough, and they'll grow up soon enough.

Different moms seem to need varying amounts of personal time--whether they be SAHM, WAHM, WOHM, or some combination thereof.
I completely agree with you there.


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Could we PLEASE just leave it at that? I really didn't want this thread to turn into THAT debate.
I'm not the one who brought it up. PD brought up the point, and I was asking her to clarify what she meant. I think that statements like the one that she made (assuming I'm reading into it correctly, which is why I asked for clarification) further perpetuate the Mommy Wars and aren't really good for anything other than being divisive. Regardless, it's a conversation, and sometimes conversations veer off in different directions.


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This was my basic question: IN GENERAL, is the statement, "Tell her to leave me alone with the 3 yo. for a few hours" rude, or not?
I think that it's only rude if you choose to take it that way. Unless you go straight to your MIL and ask her what her intentions were when she made the statement, then you'll never truly know.
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#158 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 12:02 AM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A
And having the kids was really MY idea--dh just went along with it. So, MIL should be ESPECIALLY nice to me! They are MY CHILDREN first, and then they are grandchildren secondarily.

See, you don't get to DEMAND time. Last summer she said to my ds (who was two at the time): "I'd babysit you if your mom would ever GO anywhere." (In a nasty tone.) Uh, believe me, she didn't babysit AT ALL that summer!
It sounds like she was just expressing her frustration of not getting to have her grandkids enough. Maybe she doesn't like you and you don't like her, but you shouldn't punish your kids for it.

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#159 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 12:05 AM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A
Also, she's always treated me as non-existent/invisible. For example, she's always pulling out the camera to take pictures of dh and the kids......but not me. She'll wait until I've walked away for a second before she snaps a shot.

Another example: When we had been married about seven years, she walked into my house, wanting to cut a loaf of bread she had bought, and asked in all seriousness: "Where does (dh) keep his knives?" Uh, excuse me lady, but I live here too, and that, by extension, means that the knives are MINE as well!


So, I guess the "leave the kid with me and you go away" statement feels like an extension of that.

But, conversely, she expects all sorts of "grandparent" perks. After dd was born, she demanded that we send her cards specifically labeled "grandma," in addition to the cards we were already sending her. (So she expected two Christmas cards, two birthday cards, etc.) And I swear, dd wasn't even six months old yet! Yes, the "grandma" cards are nice, but to demand them? Rude.

Doesn't sound like anything offensive, are you sure your dislike for her is making everything she says or does seem derogitory?

Unassisted birthing, atheist, poly, bi WOHM to 4 wonderful, smart homeschooling kids Wes (14) Seth (7) Pandora Moonlilly (2) and Nevermore Stargazer (11/2012)  Married to awesome SAH DH.

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#160 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 12:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by A&A
Also, she's always treated me as non-existent/invisible. For example, she's always pulling out the camera to take pictures of dh and the kids......but not me. She'll wait until I've walked away for a second before she snaps a shot.

Another example: When we had been married about seven years, she walked into my house, wanting to cut a loaf of bread she had bought, and asked in all seriousness: "Where does (dh) keep his knives?" Uh, excuse me lady, but I live here too, and that, by extension, means that the knives are MINE as well!


So, I guess the "leave the kid with me and you go away" statement feels like an extension of that.

But, conversely, she expects all sorts of "grandparent" perks. After dd was born, she demanded that we send her cards specifically labeled "grandma," in addition to the cards we were already sending her. (So she expected two Christmas cards, two birthday cards, etc.) And I swear, dd wasn't even six months old yet! Yes, the "grandma" cards are nice, but to demand them? Rude.


Wow, this thread is getting long. What do I owe you guys.......$60, $70 bucks an hour? (therapy joke)
This woman has ISSUES. Let's get HER into therapy--quickly!!!

Based on this post and your previous posts in this thread, A&A, ITA that you shouldn't leave your ds with this woman one minute before you feel comfortable doing so.

To answer another post, yes, I do have a good relationship with my ILS. They didn't understand, and I think were a little offended at first, that I was unwilling to let them babysit my children when they were very young. Part of a night with my ds, who was still nursing at age 3, and they *got* that he still needed me. They may not have agreed with extended nursing, and the fact that it meant that leaving my kids overnight as babies or toddlers really wasn't an option, but they respected my choices.

We do see my ILS quite a bit, and they don't babysit as much as I'd like (mainly because they are getting older and we don't live as close to them as we used to), but I think my kids have a good relationship with them. They don't have (or seem to want) much "alone time" with my kids, but I agree with pps that such time isn't necessary to having a good relationship.
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#161 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 12:51 AM
 
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the whole issue here is why do grandparents think they are entitled to hang out with our children "alone." why can't we all hang out together. I don't know about you all, but it kills me to have my son pryed from my arms. And it kills him too. There's no sense in it. Why do they want to watch them alone? To play mommy? I just don't get it. I'm thinking that many of our parents had no qualms about dropping us off at our grandparents for a week or two when we were babies... I'm not like that... I can't just do that.
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#162 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 01:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sharlla
I guess for me I want for my children that special close relationship like I had with my grandparents. I loved staying over with them and remember hiding from my parents when it was time to go home :LOL
I had a wonderful relationship with my grandparents, both my maternal and my stepmaternal. BUT, they did not undermine my parents in how they were raising us, did not treat them with disrespect and actually respected my parents choices. THIS is what makes the difference, and I don't think you are seeing this here. It is why many of us refused to allow their children's grandparents into their lives for very long or very often.

If it were my mother we would never even think twice about Kailey spending time with her, but WE BOTH (and this may be a difference) will never allow Mark's mother to have a great length of time with Kailey and it was only after Kailey could tell us if something bad happened that she was allowed to stay unsupervised. She wouldn't physically hurt Kailey, but would fill her mind with garbage that we do not believe to be true, nor is there proof of such. We do not want our parenting to be sabataged.
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#163 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 01:11 AM
 
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I guess i would be a little miffed if I said no caffiene and they gave my child some anyway. I guess it's hard for grandparents to avoid giving their grandkids goodies.

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#164 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 01:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Moss's Mommy
the whole issue here is why do grandparents think they are entitled to hang out with our children "alone." why can't we all hang out together. I don't know about you all, but it kills me to have my son pryed from my arms. And it kills him too. There's no sense in it. Why do they want to watch them alone? To play mommy? I just don't get it. I'm thinking that many of our parents had no qualms about dropping us off at our grandparents for a week or two when we were babies... I'm not like that... I can't just do that.

I've been following the thread and didn't have much to add to anyone's posts because, well, it's up to the Op to decide if she's comfortable with leaving her DS with her MIL and that's about all I could add (do what you're comfortable with) and people had already covered it.

But to this I can add something. For me it is so important for DS to have a relationship with his grandparents (both sets) outside of mine with them and mine with him because it gives him other adults to learn from and confide in and trust. It's really important to me to foster those relationships (and not always having me around to gatekeep so to speak encourages that) because I don't assume throughout my son's life I will always be able to give him everything he needs and that there may be a time he is looking for advice or help and doesn't feel comfortable coming to me, his mom with whatever problem is eating at him. There was so much I got from my nana that my parents could not have given me, and I had pretty fine parents. There was a wealth of experiences they had never lived and a perspective that was distanced from the immediacy of a parent-child struggle. My nana taught me how to bake and knit and laugh at myself (I was such a serious child and my parents' worrying about it only made me feel more stress) and for a big part of my childhood and teen years she was one of my closest friends and confidents. She could give me an incredible insight into my parents cause she saw them grow up and it was sometimes that insight that gave me the tools or perspective to take it easy on my parents or not blame them for whatever I was angry at them for.

None of that took away from how bonded I was to my parents.

It's equally important to DP/BF to allow DS and his mother to have a relationship outside of us - his grandmother was very special to him and within his traditions it is very important to honour the grandmothers for their sacrifices and knowledge and life.

But none of this takes away from the times we do all spend together as a family; grandparents, parents and child. That time is essential too and we all love it and look forward to it.

But I know my times with my nana have enriched my life and I wouldn't know the things I know or have even gone into the line of work I did without my time alone with her. There are many nights I still wish I could cuddle into bed beside her and stay up laughing or talking.

Obviously this doesn't happen with a grandmother who is not a healthy person but if she is healthy and there are just personality diferences between mom and MIL or mom's mom I can't imagine letting them get in the way.

edited to add: My mom taught me that anything that is done outside of the home could be undone at home, with regards to food, so if nana provided too many treats she had to deal the the sugar crashing when I was there and mom wasn't and that once I was home again we would be back to our regualr eating. A few days of sweets wasn't going to hurt me because I always had weeks, months, years of nutritious eating. That's helped me relax a lot about food. So for me the odd pepsi or bag of cookies isn't a deal breaker when it comes to DS spending time with grandparents.
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#165 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 01:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sharlla
I guess i would be a little miffed if I said no caffiene and they gave my child some anyway. I guess it's hard for grandparents to avoid giving their grandkids goodies.

I think this goes beyond goodies. yes we have to pick our battles, but do you understand what I mean?

My MIL wants to SPANK Kailey when she FEELS she has done something wrong. She wants to give Kailey candy and cookies and cie cream whenever Kailey feels "sad". She wants to take her to fast food joints instead of having a real meal because that is what Kailey should want. She continues to balk at us because Kailey WONT drink soda. She was never introduced to it, so hasn't acquired a taste for it, yet MIL STILL tries to get Kailey to drink it. She blames us for this? and says we have denied her treats.

She wants to be the mom, she doesn't want to just be a granny and spoil her, she wants to be in TOTAL control of EVERYTHING.
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#166 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 01:22 AM
 
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I was referring to the OP's posts. I didn't get the idea from her that the MIL was abusing the grandkids. Only that the MIL does not like her. I don't think that's a good enough reason to keep your kids away from their grandkids.

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#167 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 01:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sharlla
Only that the MIL does not like her. I don't think that's a good enough reason to keep your kids away from their grandkids.
She's not keeping the kids away, just not allowing unsupervised visits. Big difference, IMO.
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#168 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 01:38 AM
 
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Well I just don't understand why no unsupervised visits for the little one but OK for the older one.

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#169 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 11:48 AM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Moss's Mommy
the whole issue here is why do grandparents think they are entitled to hang out with our children "alone." why can't we all hang out together. I don't know about you all, but it kills me to have my son pryed from my arms. And it kills him too. There's no sense in it. Why do they want to watch them alone? To play mommy? I just don't get it. I'm thinking that many of our parents had no qualms about dropping us off at our grandparents for a week or two when we were babies... I'm not like that... I can't just do that.

:

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#170 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by MerryOne
I think the key is that the older child is able to speak out for herself, while the younger child has a speech problem.
Also the OP has set age limits at which her kids are allowed to spend one on one time with other family members and the younger child has not reached the age.

Yup.

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#171 of 171 Old 08-08-2005, 02:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Moss's Mommy
the whole issue here is why do grandparents think they are entitled to hang out with our children "alone." why can't we all hang out together. I don't know about you all, but it kills me to have my son pryed from my arms. And it kills him too. There's no sense in it. Why do they want to watch them alone? To play mommy? I just don't get it. I'm thinking that many of our parents had no qualms about dropping us off at our grandparents for a week or two when we were babies... I'm not like that... I can't just do that.


When the grandparents are able and willing, don't undermine the parents, and don't emotionally blackmail the grandkids, I think it's fine for them to spend time alone with grandkids. But does it have to be when they're babies, or when they're still too young to really enjoy being away from their parents? That time differs from family to family and child to child, but why should we feel we're doing something wrong if we don't want to leave a young child alone with his grandparents? Will they fail to bond if they don't start spending "alone time" until the child is 5, or older?
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