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#121 of 147 Old 08-10-2005, 10:48 PM
 
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I did change my name and I do regret it . I loved my name, I am still Patty _____. Not, Patty_________. I love dh, but not so much on his family and I feel I *am* a (maiden name here). Still, I will likely keep it, just b/c I want my kids to have the 'family name" pride that I had/have with my family of origin. I can say "(maiden name here)'s" don't do such and such, and I want my kids to have that sense of togetherness that is easier to articulate with one last name.

And- to top it off, when we got engaged, we had agreed to change both names to his family's original (in Ireland) name which was a much nicer name, and then dh's parents went balistic and so now I am Mrs. Americanized name, instead of Mrs. Original irish name- which I thought I was signing up for :LOL.

I am tired, if any of that made any sense, I will be amazed, it is hard when you can't just type the names in that you mean.

Dh and I hope that our kids will change their names to his original family name, but whatever they do, I will support .

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#122 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 12:08 AM
 
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I took dh's name, but not for a while. We were practical about it... I did it when my passport expired. :LOL

Dh was more than willing to take my last name, but his naturalization was in his name and it would have been a political nightmare for him to change it to mine. I don't see it as ownership, I see it as family.
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#123 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 02:10 AM
 
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I did not change my last name, for many of the same reasons that have already been posted. In fact, one of the big reasons was the same reason that many people use FOR changing their name. My name is constantly mispronounced and misspelled, and I figure that I've spent the past 28 years correcting people, it would be a shame to have wasted all that work! :LOL

I feel very strongly about continuing to keep my name. DH and I have discussed what we will do for our children, and so far the only thing my DH will agree to is to give them all his last name and my last name as a middle name. No hyphen and no other middle. However, I have been rethinking this and hoping for a different compromise, but so far, no go!

One of my old coworkers kept her name and they gave their children a new last name- a combination of their two names. For example, her name was Howard and his name was Dowling, and their children's last name was Howing. So their family has 3 different last names. In some ways I like this because it is giving the children a last name that is not from the patrilineal line.
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#124 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 02:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ralphie76
I did not change my last name, for many of the same reasons that have already been posted. In fact, one of the big reasons was the same reason that many people use FOR changing their name. My name is constantly mispronounced and misspelled, and I figure that I've spent the past 28 years correcting people, it would be a shame to have wasted all that work! :LOL
:LOL That was one of my requirements before changing my name..I wanted my new name to be as unique as my former and it is! I couldn't get on being a "smith" or "jones".

My DH understandably felt very strongly about continuing the family name - his father is deceased, and there's no procreation happening in his extended family.
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#125 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 03:53 AM
 
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I am surprised by how many women still do change their name,

I am glad I did...even though professionally I did the hyphenated thing...computers don't count that high , so sometimes my married name is cut in half and I get variations that made DH and I laugh!

Add to that both of my maiden and married names are unusual German names, and no one knows how to spell them, and we get variations everyday...:LOL

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#126 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 07:16 AM
 
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Can I ask a couple of questions about changing one's name?

First of all, at least for those of you who hyphenate your children's names, aren't you really just pushing the decision off to the next generation? I mean you can't go on hyphenating for ever. I did taxes for one guy who was keeping his hypenated name basically out of guilt just because all his brother's had dropped his mom's name.

Secondly, this is pure scientiffic observation, but a very small sample set. People who don't change their names or do other weird stuff with last names annoy me (nothing personal) because I file taxes and both in filing as in online filing taxes and filing as in the actual cabinet, it's a big huge PITA. So, I remember them. And out of the four years I worked in the same accounting office, I can tell you that these people divorced at a higher rate than those who kept their same names. (Of course those who married more than 10, 20, 30 years ago were less likely to do that, and those who've already been married 10, 20, 30 years are less likely to divorce at that point, if you follow me...) but even taking that into account, it seemed that perhaps women who kept their maiden names did so because--conciously or subconciously--they weren't expecting to stay married?

As for myself, at 20 when I married I had a former suitor (not boyfriend but someone who wished to be a boyfriend) stalking me, (although hubby also had an ex stalking him, maybe we both should have changed our names--but his was emotionally wrenching but relatively harmless, mine... don't know). Anyway, convience and safely were top on my list of reasons.

Shortly thereafter I worked with a newly married guy who was caught stealing. And it occured to me that my husband's good name was a part of himself that he gave to me, and something special. His name was not that of a theif or swindler, or cad, but of a good and honorable man, and were that not so, I would have been less inclined to take him as a husband, especially if it meant taking his name. And I hope that my sons will keep that a valuable gift for their future spouse if they choose to take it.

When my son stole something I not only made him take it back and apologize to the manager of the store, but to me and his father and grandfather... so yes, I suppose to me it means family it is part of what connects us. But that's sort of a heathen thing I think too. That northern European family/clan tribalist thinking goes very much with family names it seems.
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#127 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 07:29 AM
 
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Have to say though if I were established in certain fields, I wouldn't hesitate to keep my name, or use continue to use it as a pen name if I were a writer, but I was 20 and working a dead-end job so it didn't matter career-wise at all.

As to the kids, in that case I think I would have given the girls my last name and the boys their father's last name.
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#128 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 07:31 AM
 
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it seemed that perhaps women who kept their maiden names did so because--conciously or subconciously--they weren't expecting to stay married?

I have to admit that I used to think that about friends who didn't change their names. : As time goes by, though, it seems much stranger to me for a woman to change her last name than to keep the one she was given at birth.

I know one of the reasons dh would be upset if I decided to go back to my birth name at this late date (we've been married almost 14 years) is the idea that people will assume we're divorced, or heading that way.
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#129 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 08:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Verity
I have to admit that I used to think that about friends who didn't change their names. : As time goes by, though, it seems much stranger to me for a woman to change her last name than to keep the one she was given at birth.
But what I'm curious about is, DID THEY divorce? What made it seem strange to me is this isn't friends of mine with any personal bias involved, this is just me separating out files like I do with every divorce--making a duplicate so there's the tax history listed in both folders--and so many of them already had an empty folder where their name was (my "if you're looking for Susan Jones, look under Robert Smith" my little 'note to self').
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#130 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 08:30 AM
 
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Maybe women who keep their own names are also more likely to be openminded about divorce... or less afraid to strike out on their own.
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#131 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 08:51 AM
 
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I took my husband's last name because I wanted to. I wanted our new family unit to all have the same last name, and it didn't matter which one to me. Mine was really common and boring and his is pretty unique, which I like.

What I don't get is why women are so hung up on what other women do. My sister kept her maiden name and I never once asked her questions about it or bagered her as to why she did it. It didn't really matter to me. Yet when I changed my name she made snooty comments about it. It makes me think maybe she wasn't so secure in her decision that she had to insult mine.

It is just a personal decision and no one else's business really...JMO!
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#132 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 09:14 AM
 
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I didn't include this in my OP but when i got married I was excited to be Mrs. Smith. i was excited to share my DH last name. I walked around the house saying "Mrs. Smth" I know I am a dork but to me it was neat.

although i have to say the Mrs. Cristopher Smith women weird me out. That is just strange.

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#133 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 09:45 AM
 
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Genda, we have been married 17 years and counting. Many of my girlfirends who did take their husband's name have been divorced and remarried already. Then, they take the new hubbie's name and their kids have an entirely un-related name from their mom. Whoa! So no, I don't think taking of names has anything to do with how long you stay married.
My kid's hyphenated names may not last beyond the next generation, I am fully aware of that. But it shows my kids options in names and gives me "credit" now for raising them. If my children marry other folks with hyphens they will have four family names to choose from. I think that's cool.
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#134 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 10:56 AM
 
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I don't think taking of names has anything to do with how long you stay married.

I agree. Among people I know, women who changed their names have been no more likely to stay married.
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#135 of 147 Old 08-11-2005, 11:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Gendenwitha
First of all, at least for those of you who hyphenate your children's names, aren't you really just pushing the decision off to the next generation? I mean you can't go on hyphenating for ever. I did taxes for one guy who was keeping his hypenated name basically out of guilt just because all his brother's had dropped his mom's name.
I was born with a hyphenated name and just chose one of my names to hyphenate with my husband's name for our sons. I kept my own name. There's lots of options with what to name your children whether you keep your name or not. This thread has prooven that!

Interestingly, the way we hyphenate most people consider to be "wrong" because my last name is the last last name and Dh's is the first so it's hislastname-mylastname. We just liked the way it sounded better.

I still wish there were truly matrilinial names to pass on. And I agree with whoever said that why individuals change their names is not the greater concern, but that it's so wide-spread and has a foundation in ownership shows that we've only come so far with the rights of women. Women are still expected to throw away their identity and do so willingly and often, unthinkingly. We only count as so much of a person socially when we're expected to yield and change at the whims of cultural institutions.

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#136 of 147 Old 08-13-2005, 05:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by eightyferrettoes
Maybe women who keep their own names are also more likely to be openminded about divorce... or less afraid to strike out on their own.
That I would find quite likely. Would make sense that traditional roles call for traditional values of staying with it no matter how miserable.

I always thought I had great role models for marriage as a kid. I had one grandma who divorced an abuser and remarried a great guy, another grandma who stayed with an abuser who, although he mellowed some with age, she always seemed woeful and fidgety (although she positively BLOOMED as a person after he finally dropped dead), a great-aunt who never married just because she said she never met anyone she felt like she couldn't live without, and parents who were happily married. So I saw virtually all the different options available to me.
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#137 of 147 Old 08-13-2005, 05:13 AM
 
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I wonder too about the geneology of the future since there is no longer a real national "standard". Not that it's any fun when I go through newspaper clippings reading in an obit that such and such is "daughter of Mr. and Mrs. J.E. Wettering" (the initals are icing on the cake, but the "Mrs. John Doe" instead of "Mrs. Jane Doe" are really common in those old newpaper clippings I have and it's really frickin annoying) but I'm trying to imagine tracking geneolgy 100 years from now on people who keep their name, give hypenated names then drop one or both later... or choose a new name together... you people make filing fun now, just wait until your great-great-grandkids try to look you up.
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#138 of 147 Old 08-13-2005, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gendenwitha
I wonder too about the geneology of the future since there is no longer a real national "standard". Not that it's any fun when I go through newspaper clippings reading in an obit that such and such is "daughter of Mr. and Mrs. J.E. Wettering" (the initals are icing on the cake, but the "Mrs. John Doe" instead of "Mrs. Jane Doe" are really common in those old newpaper clippings I have and it's really frickin annoying) but I'm trying to imagine tracking geneolgy 100 years from now on people who keep their name, give hypenated names then drop one or both later... or choose a new name together... you people make filing fun now, just wait until your great-great-grandkids try to look you up.

Really not a good enough reason for me to give up on my identity.

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
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#139 of 147 Old 08-13-2005, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Gendenwitha
ll his brother's had dropped his mom's name.

it seemed that perhaps women who kept their maiden names did so because--conciously or subconciously--they weren't expecting to stay married?

Who are you, my mother-in-law?? Seriously, that's what she told my dh about me when I kept my name.

She, by the way, changed her name but is now DIVORCED from my FIL. Certainly didn't help her any!

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#140 of 147 Old 08-13-2005, 03:40 PM
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Throughout history - women and children have been owned by the husband/father figure. This is why the both the children and the wife assumed the husband's name.

In this age, is it not a bit dinosaurish to assume that women are still property of thier husbands?

All my life I have been Amanda Bxxxx. Amanda Bxxxxx is on letters, business cards, SSAT scores, awards and so on... It's my name, part of me and part of my identity. I have never been known as Amanda Papxxxxxxx and it's not a natural fit.

Now, while I agree fully that whatever names married partners pick is solely up to them, it's something that is rarely thought about or discussed. When I got engaged to Tim for example - everyone at work wanted to know what my new last name was going to be - everyone ASSUMED that I was going ot take his last name. Not once did anybody think that I would either keep my name or hyphenate it.
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#141 of 147 Old 08-13-2005, 05:24 PM
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Yep..I think it is pretty weird so I kept my name, then we named our daughter with my name as her middle name and my husband's as her last name. But, now I regret not doing it the other way around because I would like to have the same last name as my daughter's so I sort of switch between his last name and my last name!!! Originally I thought it was nice for her to have his name because i had had 9 months of bonding, but I think it was a little too generous for a life time
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#142 of 147 Old 08-14-2005, 09:57 AM
 
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It is weird...but it's also a simple way for everyone to have the same name. I'm really having trouble with this right now. The first time I was married, I didn't change my name. It was a combination of just not wanting to give up my name, and the fact that I didn't like his last name. We didn't have any kids. Fast forward to my current relationship...we have a son. I didn't really think about options when I named him. I just gave him his dad's name. Maybe I wanted to show that he was his? I don't know. Didn't give it a second thought. Now, my son and I don't have the same name, and that bugs me. Whenever our names both go on something, I have to accept one of the names being wrong, or explain to someone that yes, I am his mother, and no, we don't have the same name. It's a nuisance, and I feel sort of left out of things. DF and I are getting married in a couple of months, so I'm currently trying to make up my mind about this. I think it would feel very weird to change my name now. DF is German, and his name is confusing to Americans. It's not dorky like my ex's name (heh) but it would be a constant issue.

In general...I don't like the idea, but I don't think society is going to radically change anytime soon. There just doesn't seem to be an easy way to deal with this issue.

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#143 of 147 Old 08-14-2005, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just want to point out that I believe this is the longest thread I've ever started. I'm so proud of you, little thread. What a good job you've done!

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#144 of 147 Old 08-14-2005, 01:32 PM
 
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Really, Anna? That surprises me, cause you've started some good threads before...

Oh well! Happy Longest Thread you've ever started day!
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#145 of 147 Old 08-14-2005, 06:02 PM
 
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My maiden name is Crump and I was very excited to change it to Huff.

Crump-Huff sounds a little to much like cream-puff.... I have enough body image issues to be associated with a french pastry. or maybe I like pastries so much that I am the only one to see that similarity.

Anyway... I like my hubby and his family name, I like my family too, but loving them has nothing to do with who I am or how I sign my checks... :
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#146 of 147 Old 08-14-2005, 07:07 PM
 
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I wish I had not done it.
I changed my ss card without thinking, I intended to hyphenate it but I overlooked that. :P
So I hyphenated my drivers licence. But legally unfortunately my name is not my fathers
I regretit. I loved myname. I still use my family name though. I disregard the legal aspect. You are who you say you are really :P
btw I am in LA LA land california and most of the moms in my kids school have different names, no biggie.

ELY -Mommy to many

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#147 of 147 Old 08-14-2005, 07:18 PM
 
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Finally, I love my fathers name and now that he is gone I take great pleasure in having kept it.
waaah My father is gone and I WISH I had his name.

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