Should I send old friend's pictures back? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have an envelope of old friend's pictures. (the friend who dumped me because my playing with tarot cards made her feel guilty in her own religion). She emailed me a couple times since, but I'd just immediately delete her emails, and posted a public post on my blog asking her not to contact me anymore. (It just didn't make sense to email her to ask her to stop emailing me.)
She hasn't tried to contact me since.

I've went through and found about a dozen pictures of her and her children which I have collected over the years, and put them in an envelope, intending to mail them to her. Included was a short note:

"Since our relationship has taken this direction, I do not feel I should keep these anymore, but it does not feel right to throw pictures of your children away. So I am sending them back to you. I really do wish you and your family the very best in life. ~ Marie"

But DH has consistantly forgotten to drop them off at the post office, and they are back to sitting on my counter. Now I am unsure if I should send them back. Would that be considered attempting contact? Or just the proper thing to do? I don't want her to think that I am so desperate for her friendship that I am making a last ditch effort to win her back. I just want to do the right thing. So, send them back, or just trash them?
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#2 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:24 PM
 
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I'd leave them in the envelope and just bury it in the back of one of your picture boxes. Honestly, it sounds kind of mean to send them back, sort of like an extra slap in the face. She'd never know if you throw them away but that just seems to totally discount the friendship that you used to share.
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#3 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:25 PM
 
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I'd send them back.

Or, if you think there's even a chance you'll patch this up, maybe hang onto them.

But then again, it;s always been hard for me to throw pics away....

Kelly

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#4 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No, no chance of patching things up, ever. I have cried and moped and felt sorry for myself, and I am over it. I'm angry that she would say those things to me, angry that she would judge the whole me based on what she read on the internet (the pagan description she looked up doesn't fit me at all, but she was never interested in asking what I believed, or how I felt) and I don't have any use for someone like that in my life. I don't want anything else that reminds me of her. I'm just unsure what is the proper thing to do with the pictures.
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#5 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:34 PM
 
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Then I'd send em back, maybe with a simpler note "Thought you might want to have these. -Maria" or something...

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#6 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:35 PM
 
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I would send them back, mostly because her children appear there. Maybe she does remember that you have those pictures and she wants them back but is not asking you for them in order to respect your wishes of not contacting you.
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#7 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:40 PM
 
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I would not return them if I were in your situation. As a previous poster said, she will never know what happened to them anyway and all it will do is hurt her feelings. I had a friendship end recently and the ex-friend's insistence on exchanging items we had of each other's hurt worse than any other aspect of what happened. I had a plastic item of hers and some hand-me-down toddler clothes, and she had a couple of dvds that I had lent her ages ago and forgotten about anyway. The items weren't important but the exchange in and of itself was awful. If she had handed me anything personal, like pictures of my children or handmade blankets and things I made for her children, it really would have been devastating.

{{{hugs}}} for your friendship ending. It hurts I know, especially when you get blindsided with a 'breakup'.
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#8 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:50 PM
 
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I think sending them back would just prolong the hurt feelings on both sides. If you don't want the photos, pitch them. I've done it before after a broken friendship.
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#9 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:54 PM
 
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they are your memories. you always get to keep them even if not the relationship
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#10 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 01:56 PM
 
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better YET, send most back and tell her you decided to keep one or two (for nostalgia's sake) and ask her to let you know if she would rather you send those too,

that would kinda let her know you **** care, miss, whatever and maybe spark a reunion?
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#11 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 02:01 PM
 
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I had a friendship end really badly. The "friend" wrote me an unbelievably nasty email because I took a photo of her at a kid's birthday party, at the birthday mom's request. I know it sounds like there must be more to it, but that was really her excuse for dumping me. (She had a pretty bad track record, friend-wise, and I've never had a relationship of any kind end that badly, so I think I'm justified in saying it was her, not me.)

So I had a bunch of photos of her kid, because I (used to) like taking candids of the kids (kids I know!) at the park. (Her nastiness sort of ruined my hobby for a while, although other moms have told me my pictures of their kids are among their most treasured.) I debated about whether to return them, and even put all the photos and the negatives in an envelope, but it felt like by returning them I would be extending the drama. I also didn't want to destroy them because it felt bad to get rid of another child's baby photos, you know? And they didn't take pictures much, so I knew that on some level these were irreplacable. Even if the mama didn't want them.

So I kept them, and they're here somewhere, and I just don't worry about it. Next time we move I'm sure I'll be at the point where I can pitch them, but it's ok to let things mellow before you make a final decision.

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#12 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 02:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eggie
I would send them back, mostly because her children appear there. Maybe she does remember that you have those pictures and she wants them back but is not asking you for them in order to respect your wishes of not contacting you.

ITA

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#13 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 02:12 PM
 
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As a way to have it both ways, you could do your own separation ceremony for yourself and include the pictures in that. After the ceremony, the pictures are gone, or buried, etc. and so you acomplish what you really needed in the end: severing of the relationship.

I had a friend that betrayed me so bad, that I actually burned the pictures and used the ashes in my garden as a way to move on in a healthy way. I did send her a letter telling her what I did as the final act in the ceremony.

That may be a little extreme for you, or when you are old you may want to look at the pix and not have any more emotions attached to them after so long, so you could choose something different...

Just some of my thoughts...
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#14 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 02:17 PM
 
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I wouldn't send them back. Especially since you have not responded to her efforts to contact you. If she has finally stopped trying to contact you, I would just let it be. Any contact from you might open the door again.

As for what to do with the photos, I like Penelope's suggestion of putting them away and making the decision about keeping/tossing later when you are not so emotional about it.

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#15 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 02:22 PM
 
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I faced this exact situation last year.

I put the pictures in a Christmas card (I love these kids dearly) with a note telling the Mom I thought she might like to have them.

I never mailed it.

For me, it felt sort of pathetic, like I was subconciously trying to maintain the connection. I am sure she doesn't give a rats a$$ that I have some old candid snapshots of her kids. She's a mother and has tons of them in her own right. I did throw the envelope away and I haven't looked back.
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#16 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 02:37 PM
 
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I would not send them back. You've asked her for no more contact. Sending her pictures IMO is more contact on your part. Put them in an envelope, stash it away, anf the next time you have a major cleaning or decluttering, decide if you'll keep them or throw them away. By then, the pain from the whole ending will have subsided and you'll be able to decide what to do with them with a clearer mind.

I was in a similar situation, except it was an exbf, pictures of him, including baby pictures. When we moved, I tossed them all. No hard feelings. When I first put them all together, I was angry and planned to send them back out of anger. I threw them out with a peaceful heart, and exbf isn't any wiser.

Let time heal your wound before you do anything about it.
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#17 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 02:47 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aceboo
that would kinda let her know you **** care, miss, whatever and maybe spark a reunion?
Doesn't sound like she's interested in that at this point.

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#18 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 03:18 PM
 
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I would not send them.

Its only going to create more drama. Just think how you would feel if she mailed you pics or sent back a birthday gift you gave her 5 years ago. There is no way this isn't going to cause more pain.

The only scenario that I would consider sending them to her, is if you happen to have the only copies of particularly special pictures of her family. But odds are if the pics are that special, she already has a copy.

Just let it go. If you don't want to trash them, put them in the bottom of a box and forget about them.

Mom to Kira March 2009
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#19 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 03:20 PM
 
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I'd throw them out. They are your property to dispose of as you wish. I agree with a PP that sending them back to her would be like an extra slap at her, and would only prolong the drama.
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#20 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 03:28 PM
 
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I'd send them with a note explaining that you wish to leave the friendship dead but do not feel right keeping pictures of her children. Then add something along the lines that this is not an invitation back into your life it is your final step in purging her from your life.

They are her children, I'd honestly be ticked if someone destoryed pictures of my son. Not sure why, but it would just upset me.

Renae wife to J :, Mama to 4.5y/o J-bird and 2y/o A : and E coming in late Dec/Early Jan. My husband had a living donor kidney transplant! :
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#21 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 03:41 PM
 
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IMO, and I may not be among the consensus here. I'd send them back with a little note saying:
" Hi, here are some photos I had of your kids. I thought you'd like to have them for your family to enjoy. No response is antipated or desired.
Vaya con dios and may life be good to you all."

This makes it clear what your intent is.
You don't have to take on any guilty feelings, it's she that cut you off, not the other way around.
s to you I know ending relationships is awful.
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#22 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 08:00 PM
 
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Throw them out, I Read your other post but I don't think I was able to type back. She was awful, and I think you are better off w/o her small minded-ness. Pitch the pics you don't care about, keep any that you htink your kids might someday like to see, and don't worry about it anymore.
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#23 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 08:23 PM
 
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I would not throw them out nor send them back. I had a long, long term friendship end on a sour note, and we no longer speak. In my opinion, the reason why we are no longer friends is silly, but I'm sure to her it was very important. BUT, we were friends and we were close and she and her kids were a part of our circle. I keep the photos because she was a very important person in my life at one time, and even though I'm hurt and angry that she no longer wants to be my friend, I still love her dearly.

Sending them back, IMO, would appear spiteful and mean. Put them away, and one day, when the hurt has passed, you'll be glad you kept them.
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#24 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 09:18 PM
 
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Unless the photos are so incredible that they're probbaly the best pctures ever taken of these kids, I don't see what purpose returning them would serve.
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#25 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 09:22 PM
 
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Depends, does this person need and relly want them, what would it serve, just the fact that everybody knowa you sent them back. I would just throw them in a drawer and worry about it later,

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#26 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 11:15 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beansavi
As a way to have it both ways, you could do your own separation ceremony for yourself and include the pictures in that. After the ceremony, the pictures are gone, or buried, etc. and so you acomplish what you really needed in the end: severing of the relationship.

I had a friend that betrayed me so bad, that I actually burned the pictures and used the ashes in my garden as a way to move on in a healthy way. I did send her a letter telling her what I did as the final act in the ceremony.
Burning pictures of someone and their children and then sending them a letter telling them about it when you've cut off all other contact sounds mean to me.
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#27 of 29 Old 11-29-2005, 11:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I would like to have the pictures of my kids back. I dont care if they are copies. I would rather give them to someone else or keep them. I just assumed everyone felt as I do. Burning pictures feels wrong (or perhaps that's the pagan in me, burning pics are a strict no-no in my book), and tossing them to burn in a landfill feels so wrong. Burying them feels wrong, and I don't want to keep them. I really don't care if I hurt her, she tried her best to hurt me. I just don't want to be seen as pathetically trying to maintain contact with her. I did rewrite my note to say I was sending them back so she could enjoy them with her family, and no response is necessary, but they are still sitting on my counter. I'm just not sure of what to do with them now. Sending them back feels right, and it feels like closure, but it doesn't seem to be what everyone else would do, and I'm not wanting to make myself appear pathetic and pining away, kwim?
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#28 of 29 Old 11-30-2005, 12:40 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPJJJ
Sending them back feels right, and it feels like closure, but it doesn't seem to be what everyone else would do, and I'm not wanting to make myself appear pathetic and pining away, kwim?
Are you you, or are you them? You know what you want to do, what you need to do, what you should do.

Do it.

Kelly

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#29 of 29 Old 11-30-2005, 01:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CookieMonsterMommy
Are you you, or are you them? You know what you want to do, what you need to do, what you should do.

Do it.

Kelly

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