Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: At the Dingo Cafe'
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I don't know if I can capture the essence of the feeling I'm having, but here goes.
For the past few days and really intermittently over the last two years, as I learn so much and grow, change, and make different choices, I feel so proud of myself and my efforts. But every now and then, like this morning...there's a slightly different feeling.
As I pour a steaming cup of coffee for dh and myself and I add stevia to mine, I smile...another choice that I like. Then I add sugar to dh's...he's at a different pace from me and that's okay. But then there's this bittersweet feeling. A flood of childhood memories wash over me. Koolaid, sweet and pretty pouring into a plastic cup with ice. Watching cartoons all saturday morning. Penny candy, by the bagful, and a myriad of other memories, like summertime lemonade commercials that capture the feeling of innocent childhood. It's like fire fly's dancing in the night, magical, pure, full of untainted joy. A sweetness of childhood, based on fradulence. But it was so innocent and at that time, so simple and pure. And now, with knowledge, something else.
And so I'm left with a bittersweet sense of missing that innocence and wondering will my own child (ren) have the same sense of miracle only with different pleasures? I worry that I cannot create an environment of innocent bliss...and then I wonder, should I even be trying?
But then, isn't childhood a miracle in itself and won't the impetus of the age paint the world brighter, prettier, and more magical?