bittersweet thoughts (forewarning - a little random) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 4 Old 03-05-2006, 03:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't know if I can capture the essence of the feeling I'm having, but here goes.

For the past few days and really intermittently over the last two years, as I learn so much and grow, change, and make different choices, I feel so proud of myself and my efforts. But every now and then, like this morning...there's a slightly different feeling.

As I pour a steaming cup of coffee for dh and myself and I add stevia to mine, I smile...another choice that I like. Then I add sugar to dh's...he's at a different pace from me and that's okay. But then there's this bittersweet feeling. A flood of childhood memories wash over me. Koolaid, sweet and pretty pouring into a plastic cup with ice. Watching cartoons all saturday morning. Penny candy, by the bagful, and a myriad of other memories, like summertime lemonade commercials that capture the feeling of innocent childhood. It's like fire fly's dancing in the night, magical, pure, full of untainted joy. A sweetness of childhood, based on fradulence. But it was so innocent and at that time, so simple and pure. And now, with knowledge, something else.

And so I'm left with a bittersweet sense of missing that innocence and wondering will my own child (ren) have the same sense of miracle only with different pleasures? I worry that I cannot create an environment of innocent bliss...and then I wonder, should I even be trying?

But then, isn't childhood a miracle in itself and won't the impetus of the age paint the world brighter, prettier, and more magical?
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#2 of 4 Old 03-05-2006, 04:20 PM
 
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My heart skips a beat reading this and OHHH how I miss those days of childhood, when my life was so simple and just absolutely joyful.

I think now as a parent I want to try to give my girls the same joys I had when I was young, but I cant.
They are their own people and they now, just as we were, will experience their own bittersweet moment in their adulthood just as you have.


Thanks for the reminder..
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#3 of 4 Old 03-05-2006, 04:38 PM
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But then, isn't childhood a miracle in itself and won't the impetus of the age paint the world brighter, prettier, and more magical?
I think so. I also think we over think to the point of fear that we somehow won't give our children the best of childhood memories to grow with. I too fear this but then I think, my parents set the foundation for it with what little they had, and *I* lived the childhood. They didn't actually create the memories for me..you know? All the things you described were basic and part of it, but the feelings for them came simply from being a child. I don't look back and think of who or how they were allowed to me? Do i make any sense?

I look at my children, and I am confident and somewhat content it knowing I am doing my best to set their foundations for a childhood of fun, learning, joys, simplicity and more, but hopefully by their own doing not by my fighting to ensure it.
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#4 of 4 Old 03-06-2006, 09:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess really, it's not that I'm worried about dd not having the magical childhood. But a bittersweet grief for the innocence I had. I miss the time when life seemed less complex, more simple in its' ignorance. A time when you didn't worry about the effects of sugar, tv, crap in our food. I guess that's not entirely accurate too...I don't miss the lack of knowledge, or even the ignorance, but only the feeling of peace that comes with that. I would never choose to go back to ignorance, but I guess I grieve the peace it harbored.
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