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Old 04-12-2006, 09:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My friend just got this email. There is a huge back story but i'm not sure if it factors in at all, so i'll keep it simple. I'm looking for opinions on the email in general & how you would respond....

Ladies...

Since there seems to be so much confusion, Lxxx and I have made the decision on the shower. It is here..... No one has to do ANY work, we all get to enjoy the shower and relax. It will be a Sunday brunch at about 11 AM. Lxxx is talking to them to pin down a date. Early enough for the NYer's to get back home during daylight. It is on a major highway and very easy to get to! We will have a champagne toast, then there is a cash bar available to anyone who wants it.

Ok, now for the parental unit (Mummee) part of the email...since I am making your dresses and saving you about $200.00, that money will be spent on the shower. Each one of you will send Lxxx a check for $100.00 within the next 2-3 weeks so we can send the deposit. The balance of $100.00 to be paid to her by July 1. Any balance due to the place above what you all have sent, Lxxx and I will take care of.

* Points to remember about money..... Lxxx and I just paid for Exxx's wedding gown, I have to pay $300.00 to fly out there, I am making your gowns and most of you know, Exxx's step father has Cancer and we are only collecting disability. So NO WHINING about the cost!!! You can all curse at me if you like....I'm too far away to hear.

Love ya all anyway....
Lxxx



sooooo, whaddya think?
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Old 04-12-2006, 09:56 AM
 
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If she had called each of you & ran the idea by you I think it would have been fine if it was something you were all willing to do & you had decided on it together. Groups of friends throwing a shower is not unheard of. HOWEVER the email is incredibly rude & it would have REALLY offended me. You don't write an adult & order them around like that. Also, she thinks she's being a real freakin myrtr for making those dresses, now doesn't she?!?!?!? She seems like an insensitive control freak & god help you if you're actualy in this weding, because I'm sure the *rest* of it will be a Ball!!! (tongue in cheek)
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Old 04-12-2006, 09:58 AM
 
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Wow. I have no advice about how to respond because I'm not good at that sort of thing and I don't know how close you are to that person. But I will say that that email is extremely rude! Especially the last bit.
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Old 04-12-2006, 10:07 AM
 
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Kind of sounds like something an old friend of mine would say. Ugh. I would be pretty shocked if someone told me that I was going to send them a check for $100.00. For us, we simply could not afford it, and we would tell her that.
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Old 04-12-2006, 10:08 AM
 
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I think your friend should have some say in the shower plans if she is being asked to contribute $200 (btw, how many other ladies are to contribute?), and if the renting of the location costs this much, I can only imagine how much the wedding is costing!!!

If it had previously been agreed upon that mom's making the dresses means attendants would "pay for the dress" by contributing $ to a different part of the celebration, then so be it.

However, ime, when dresses are made instead of bought it's always been to save money, not to finance a shower. Seems kinda odd that the bride and her mom are planning the shower, too.

If your friend can afford (and is willing) to pay for the shower, then I'd just let it go. If she can't afford it (or doesn't want to), then I think the most polite thing to do is respond immediately and say something like "I am sorry, I cannot afford to contribute $200 to Lxxx's shower, please let me know what else I can help with" or "...but here's what I can contribute" and then send that amount.

As an attendant, I think there is an expectation (and responsibility) to help, but if the occasion calls for spending that much money, it should not be financed in this way, imo. tacky tacky tacky

Rachel, married to Andy, mama to Aubrey, Lauren, Sasha, and *surprise* Baby #4, due November, 2011
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Old 04-12-2006, 10:26 AM
 
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It's funny, I would be p'oed if I recieved that email, because I couldn't afford it at all, first of all, secondly I would feel angry about not being consulted in this.

On the other hand, I guess I can see the her point that with so many voices, sometimes it is hard to come to an easy consensus, and she is trying take control of the situation (is this the maid of honor?). She sounds like she really is trying to make things as easy as possible for everyone, but could have done it in a much less insulting way.

For example:

I have decided to plan the shower in order to make things as simple as possible for everyone. No one has to do ANY work, we all get to enjoy the shower and relax. It will be a Sunday brunch at about 11 AM. Lxxx is talking to them to pin down a date. Early enough for the NYer's to get back home during daylight. It is on a major highway and very easy to get to! We will have a champagne toast, then there is a cash bar available to anyone who wants it.

In order to make this possible, I will need to collect a total of $200 from each of you. If this is a problem, please call me, and we can work something out.

I hope that you all understand that I am truly just trying to simplify the shower for everyone, including myself. I look forward to seeing all of you at the shower.


I think the part about whining and her talking about about how much work and money she is putting in is insulting. But in order to not cause waves, if the money isn't an issue I would just let it go. Everyone's emotions surrounding wedding can be very close to the surface, so if possible keeping your head down, and just going with the flow is probably the best way to handle it. Now if you want to talk to her about the rudeness after the wedding, I'd say let her have it!

 
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Old 04-12-2006, 10:36 AM
 
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Sounds like extortion to me. People shouldn't throw parties or celebrations or showers they can't afford and then require other people to chip in to make up the difference.

Depending on my relationship with the bride, I would either politely decline to be a part of the wedding if extortion was the price I'd pay, or I'd sit down and let her know that her mom's behavior was not ok. Or, hell, if it was someone I loved I'd probably suck it up.

But this woman's behavior is appalling.

Can't give up actin' tough, it's all that I'm made of. Can't scrape together quite enough to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love. ~ Neko Case

 
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Old 04-12-2006, 10:39 AM
 
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Wow--I think that is so rude. If these things had been discussed with everyone earlier, it would just be a confirmation of that. But this is just so dictatorial. The way it is worded just opens up a can of worms in that anyone questioning it or unable to follow the dictates will be seen as being mean.

When it comes to money, I don't think that anyone should make decisions for other people. If I had received this email, I would call the sender and tell her that I am unable to send additional money. I mean, if the dresses were being sewn in order to save money, isn't it safe to say that they were unaffordable in the first place?
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Old 04-12-2006, 11:00 AM
 
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WOW. That takes the cake.

A person should not host a party they cannot afford to throw and coerce other people into funding it. I think I would make that clear. How blunt I was about it would depend on the situation. If the cost of travel and wedding arrangements is too big a burden for this family, they should consider other options for the wedding and something other than a champagne brunch for the shower. (And, um, maybe not throw a shower for themselves?)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Penelope
Depending on my relationship with the bride, I would either politely decline to be a part of the wedding if extortion was the price I'd pay, or I'd sit down and let her know that her mom's behavior was not ok. Or, hell, if it was someone I loved I'd probably suck it up.
My thoughts exactly.

Does the bride know this is going on?

may my heart always be open to little birds who are the secrets of living whatever they sing is better than to know  - e.e. cummings
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Old 04-12-2006, 11:08 AM
 
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I think RUDE. And tacky. And bossy. And some other things I won't mention on a family site.

BUT, I'm really at a loss as to how to respond, because I don't know the back story...like if ANY of this was discussed with the bridesmaids at all beforehand, or if this was just sprung on them.

I owuld have to think long and hard about a response, and as others said, think baout my relationship to the bride and the mom before I decided how to respond.

Yuck.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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Old 04-12-2006, 11:17 AM
 
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Asking for money like that is a major etiquette no no. That email was pretty harsh, lol.

Quote:
Points to remember about money..... Lxxx and I just paid for Exxx's wedding gown, I have to pay $300.00 to fly out there, I am making your gowns and most of you know, Exxx's step father has Cancer and we are only collecting disability. So NO WHINING about the cost!!! You can all curse at me if you like....I'm too far away to hear.
Wowza, I don't think I've ever seen a guilt trip quite like that. Was that even necessary?
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Old 04-12-2006, 11:36 AM
 
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VERY rude...was anything discussed beforehand and there was no consensus, or is this just a bossy person to begin with. I totally agree on that guilt trip too. WRONG!
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Old 04-12-2006, 11:44 AM
 
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Eeek! I love hearing stories about how people do incredibly rude, tacky things around weddings. This certainly qualifies as both of those.

Mama to 2 mopheaded rascals
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Old 04-12-2006, 11:52 AM
 
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I would ask just how much the person was drinking when they sent that email. Honestly, I think it is wrong for somebody to expect others to pay for their party. A wedding is a celebration of two people coming together in front of friends and family and their choice (if any) of deities. Because it's their event, they are the ones responsible for any and all costs of the wedding or parties related to the wedding. Many friends and family members will chip in to support the costs, but never should it be expected of them.

It sounds like the wedding this couple is planning will be a grand money-spending event. They sound like the type of people that are convinced that they just won't be happy unless they spend a TON of money on a wedding. If that's the case, they should consider revising their plans, and scale them to a budget they can afford. They should skip any special parties to save money, and promise that you'll dote on them just as much at the actual wedding, so they won't feel like they're left out when it comes to getting attention.

This thread reminded me of an ex-coworker of mine. She kept showing her engagement ring to us several times a day (once is enough, thank you very much). Then, she placed a sign-up sheet for her bridal shower in the breakroom. Her intent was to get coworkers to sign up and state what type of gift they would be bringing (the sheet had columns for each to be filled in). Sadly nobody signed up, and she kept reminding people, and asked each of us individually if we were planning on attending. If she had just told us when and where the party was going to be held, most of us would have attended. But, since she kept pushing it on us, and expecting expensive gifts, nobody signed up.
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Old 04-12-2006, 11:56 AM
 
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That is an incredibly rude email.

Kathy-Mom to Blake & Mikaela
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Old 04-12-2006, 12:19 PM
 
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I like Nightsky's idea:
Quote:
I would ask just how much the person was drinking when they sent that email.
If I were your friend who received that email, I would be very tempted to write back something like, "Okay, how much were you drinking when you sent that email, lol! But seriously, how can I help out with the shower? I'm really looking forward to it! Sounds like you guys are having a lot of fun with this. "
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Old 04-12-2006, 12:35 PM
 
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It's Bridezilla!!!

Incredibly rude- I'd much rather be given the choice to either help make the shower or pay for something like this (though, this email wouldn't be innapropriate if it was all discussed ahead of time.) I'd seriously consider dropping out of the wedding party if they're not flexible.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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Old 04-12-2006, 12:51 PM
 
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Oy, this is just insanely rude - but you knew that. It is so beyond tacky to demand that your *guests* pay exorbitant amounts of money to attend a party.
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Old 04-12-2006, 01:43 PM
 
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I too wouldn't throw a party or ask folks coming to a party to pay $$. That's like asking somebody out to dinner and then making them pay for it. OR inviting somebody to your house and NOT offering them food or a drink. To me it is not good Host/Hostessing. I'd decline. Just my opinion.
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Old 04-12-2006, 02:03 PM
 
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I'd take my $200, buy a few Emily Post type etiqutte books, highlight the appropriate passages and mail them to the bride, the woman who wrote the email, and the other bridesmaids.

I'm sure I'd also have to highlight the part in the books about it being rude to point out rudeness and include a letter that says since it now seems that anything goes with this situation the books are totally appropriate, are my contribution to the shower and that I wouldn't be attending the wedding if that's all my friendship means is a check for a shower and a body in a dress to look good in pics at the wedding.

Whoever wrote the email has really missed the whole "what friendship means" part of life.

WOW! Unbelievable.
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Old 04-12-2006, 02:07 PM
 
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Greedy, penny-pinching, manipulative...

If the cost of the dresses was an issue, she should have charged for making the dresses.
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Old 04-12-2006, 05:47 PM
 
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MAybe i am just too cheap but i dont get this wedding insanity. My whole wedding cost under 1000. I had my sisters dresses made - i PAID for them. I didnt expect them to buy their own clothes.
That email is just insane and tacky and well INSANE. I cant even imagine having the gall to do that.
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Old 04-12-2006, 06:05 PM
 
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tsk-tsk...
sooooooo very tacky
Emily Post is rolling over in her grave as we speak.

oh, and since you asked how one would respond to such extortion:
"may I offer my sincerest regret at being unable to attend this function..."
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Old 04-12-2006, 06:14 PM
 
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I would submit the letter to the Etiquette Hell website. It would fit in well.

Mom to Kira March 2009
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Old 04-12-2006, 06:20 PM
 
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Yeah, that's just ridiculous.

One of the things I was dead set on with my wedding was that I wanted NO ONE to be put out. I told my bridesmaids to "look nice". I didn't want anyone spending money on a special dress, and I didn't want MY wedding to be a burden on people I love. I wanted the to be there because they wanted to be there, not because they had to be. And it's letters like that that make me glad I did it that way!!

I honestly don't know how I'd respond to that. I'm kinda stubborn, I'd probably just email back and say "sorry, I'm going to have to bow out". $100 isn't a HUGE amount of money (though catch me on the right day and it is), but the principal of it is just appalling.

edited for: Man, I just reread it, and the last paragraph is just UNREAL!!! The "I have to pay $300 to fly out there" and "collecting disability" parts....WOW!!! Just horribly awfully fundamentally inappropriate!
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Old 04-12-2006, 06:36 PM
 
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Came back to say...


She SAVED you $200 on the dresses? I've never had to spend anywhere close to $200 for an attendant's dress for a wedding. What the heck kind of expectations do these people have?

Since they're all about saving you from horrible expense, they should understand if you forget their address. Think of all the saved Christmas card postage.

may my heart always be open to little birds who are the secrets of living whatever they sing is better than to know  - e.e. cummings
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Old 04-12-2006, 06:43 PM
 
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Oh. MY. Word. That is just unreal.

Girl, please stand up for yourself!!!

And let us know what happens!
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Old 04-12-2006, 06:44 PM
 
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oh my GAWD how rude

WAIT FOR MY CHECK!
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Old 04-12-2006, 07:01 PM
 
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: That's funny!




I can't understand where some people get off thinking and behaving that way.
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Old 04-12-2006, 07:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i love these responses!!! The email came from the bride's MOTHER of all people!!!

My friend emailed me back this afternoon & said, among other things....
"I thought is was the most offensive thing I've ever seen, and I told her so. None of us, except the maid of honor, even know this woman. I also told them that I would not be participating in the shower because no one, not even my husband, tells me how to spend my money!"

One of the many reasons i am friends with this girl!!
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