Sex before Marraige.... - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-12-2006, 10:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RubyWild
Waiting until marriage to have sex is like waiting until your 30 to taste ice cream. I see no value in it.

Of course, it's all going to be up to her, and I hope to encourage her to make mature decisions and choose kind people as her partners.
sigh.... the flavors I missed!
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:45 PM
 
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I do not necessarily encourage my children (both of whom are at an age currently that many young people start having sex) to wait until marriage to have sex. That idea is mostly based on a religious tradition that I do not follow. (I do realize that non religious folks also might teach their kids to wait for marriage, but in my experience it's been mostly Christians.) I encourage them to do what they believe is right and good for them.

I have taught my kids according to my beliefs and opinions on sex, but I know that they are not always going to agree with me. They are individuals with their own unique perspectives on everything...sex included. I come from the background of having my first sexual experience at 13, and then getting pregnant at 14, and then having two babies by 17. The kids both know all about it, and they know the trials I faced as a mostly single teen mom. I made pretty crappy choices regarding sex, and I share things so that maybe they won't go down the same road.

I personally don't really care for casual, non relationship sex/flings. My kids know that. I find value and pleasure in sex with a partner that I am involved with and who is involved only with me. I have explained my reasons for that with the kids often, and I like to hear their thoughts too. In the end as far as sex is concerned marriage is perhaps the last thing I care about. (Of course I hope the kids will grow up to have happy marriages when and if they are ready for that step.) My focus has always been and continues to be about safety, making your own decisions about sex, surrounding yourself with good kind people, understanding how to protect yourself from diseases and pregnancy, and being strong in what you feel is right.

One of my children having a sexual relationship with someone of the same gender is not a problem at all.

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Old 07-12-2006, 10:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jokerama
for those of you encouraging waiting till marriage do you mean actually standing up in front of a minister of whatever? Or would living with someone suffice?
Standing in front of a minister -- I'm not down with the "living together" thing either.


FTR, I want to be very clear that although I disagree with premarital sex, etc., I'm not one to run screaming "sinner" through the streets -- and I realize that from a non-Christian standpoint it isn't considered that big of a deal anymore. I wouldn't think that person was gross, terrible, or unsafe to be around. I wouldn't consider it a decider in whether or not they were fit to babysit my kids or be a part of their lives.

My mom raised us in a pretty open fashion. This is what we believe, etc., this is what others do, etc., if you decide to do otherwise I would be *very disappointed,* but I want you to be safe... etc. The *very disappointed* part was part of the reason I never confided in her (she thinks I was a virgin on my wedding night -- tried to give me "the talk" ). I'm pretty much on board with that, but I think the guilt trip was a bit much -- at that point in a child's life, I think it's more between them & God or them & themselves rather than them & their parents. Hopefully by the teen years they have a pretty decent & solid base to make decisions from.

And no matter what they decide -- 27 partners -- at once or spread out -- man or woman...they're still my children & I'd still love them & want a relationship with them. Although I wouldn't tell them I "approved," I wouldn't chase them down, cry & beg them to repent, either. Never have seen that method work.

eta: of course if they are/were to have sex I would be happier if they were in a commited relationship...
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by geek_the_girl
And im hoping that by then gay marriage will be recognized everywhere in this country.
Me too! :

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by cielle
Is it wrong that when I first saw the thread title I automatically added "is fun" in my head?


I will encourage my children to find someone they love before they have sex. To be responsible. And to be knowledgeable.
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:53 PM
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Originally Posted by cinnamonamon
Standing in front of a minister -- I'm not down with the "living together" thing either.
What if the person they fall in love with is not baptised and cannot get married in a church or in front of a minister? What if they fall in love with someone of another religion?
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Yoshua
So, would you encourage your child to wait until marraige to have sex? Would you try to 'help' them make that decision? Tell them about how vaulable that gift is to their future mate, even if their future mate is not a virgin. How they are valuable in themselves and not to devalue themselves by giving it to 'whoever comes by'. (you can put your own explanations here, please feel free to)
No, I won't encourage my children to wait until marriage. I will encourage them to make the decision that is right for them.

I don't think virginity is a "valuable gift" for their future mate. Especially when their future mate is not a virgin. That just gives me the creeps. And having sex isn't "devaluing" them in my eyes, either. They are valuable people whether they have had sex or not, and if their partners feel that they have been "ripped off" by not getting a virgin, well, perhaps they need to reconsider their choice of mate.


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Would you allow him/her the freedom to make his own choice, albeit you educate him/her to the dangers and how to protect themselves. How 'no means no' and all that education bit.
Since your children aren't you, you have no choice but to allow them the freedom to make their own decision. I'm 25 years old. If I wasn't married, WTH would my mom do to stop me? She can't "allow" me the freedom to have my own choice, it's my body and I have the freedom to make my own choice. Period.

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Old 07-12-2006, 10:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jokerama
for those of you encouraging waiting till marriage do you mean actually standing up in front of a minister of whatever? Or would living with someone suffice?
We are teaching/encouraging our children to wait until marriage which does not include living together while not married.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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Old 07-12-2006, 10:56 PM
 
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I will teach my kids to wait until they're married, in accordance with our religious beliefs. I want to mention, though, this topic has come up before in a couple of threads and several people have suggested a dichotomy of teaching chastity vs. letting them make their own choices. I don't think that is a fair contrast--I will teach my kids our values, but I certainly won't try to force them to live that way, nor would I be able to if I wanted to. There seems to be a certain double standard about this issue, in that parents can teach their values to their kids about any number of things, and it's understood that the kids can of course come to their own conclusions and make their own choices as soon as they are of an age to do so, but for some reason people associate teaching values about sexual behavior with not letting them make their own choices. Anyway, that's a bit of a rant but I wanted to point it out.

As to "why," for us chastity is purely a religious issue. Avoiding the risk of pregnancy and std's is a fringe benefit. So I don't really care about that part, as it's peripheral to what we're teaching.

When they begin showing sexual interest, I would hope that they would share it with us and be fairly open. If they're like most American kids, they'll probably want to go on dates, which they will have the opportunity to do, and dh and I will of course talk to them about self-control as well as safety. I don't think we'll make "rules" like having to be supervised or be in by a certain time, because that's not us, and that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with my kids.

Short of locking them up away from any exposure to the opposite sex, there is no way to "make" kids be chaste. People can be very "creative" as far as location and whatnot, and fear of punishment isn't much of a motivator. Chastity has to be something you *want* to do because it's what you sincerely believe in; it can't be forced. So I won't even attempt to "make" my kids wait, but only try to teach them our beliefs and why I believe that they should.

And, for what it's worth, I did wait until I was married, and I got married at age 26. So it can be done if that's what you choose.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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We are making sure that our children are well educated on all aspects of sexuality. Responsibility is a big deal for us around here. DS knows, and DD will eventually know, that we expect responsibility--which means waiting until you are ready for any of the possible consequences of sex.

That said, we are not teaching that it devalues a person to not be virgin. We believe in the inherent worth and dignity of ALL persons, not just the ones who meet some arbitrary standard from 2000 years ago.

How can something that might create life devalue a person? how can the sharing of joy devalue a person? The very concept makes no sense to me.

"What will you do once you know?"
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:01 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jokerama
for those of you encouraging waiting till marriage do you mean actually standing up in front of a minister of whatever? Or would living with someone suffice?
To us marriage is a commitment that a man and a woman make to each other before God--that is the key part. It doesn't have to be a church wedding, it doesn't have to include a marriage license from the state, but it's the personal committment to each other before God that makes it a marriage.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies
What if the person they fall in love with is not baptised and cannot get married in a church or in front of a minister? What if they fall in love with someone of another religion?
That's exactly the kind of church I would avoid! I wouldn't be adverse to a judge marrying them -- it's the intent "forever -- in sickness & in health, forsaking all others, etc."

And in the case of a homosexual etc. relationship -- I have not found that to be in line with my beliefs either, but I would hope they would be responsible & safe (same as a hetero situation). I'm also as far as I can be in the "let 'um get married" camp as I can be without really researching matters. I really just don't think it's any of *my* business what someone else wants to do with their life. I would be upset if the church I attended condoned it, though. The government? They should butt out.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:03 PM
 
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I don't assume that marriage is in their futures, though I do hope for grandchildren to love. I don't assume that they'll be hetero either--though DS has indicated that he is.

"What will you do once you know?"
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:05 PM
 
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I will teach my kids that their sexuality is theirs. That sex is beautiful when shared with some one you loved. I would teach them everything I know about birth control to keep them healthy and safe. I would like it if they wait and have sex with someone they love.

I had sex before marriage and it was great. I have sex in my marriage and it is great. I am fortunate that I can marry and I agree with the others that I hope that my children will have the option of gay marriage if they happen to be gay.

I also agree with those of you who say marriage isn't for everyone. I would never push it on my children. It should never be entered lightly.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:05 PM
 
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Also, for those who are interested, this subject was discussed in great detail in this thread and also this thread. There may be others too.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:09 PM
 
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I'll read replies after poting mine...
I want my children to have healthy, wonderful sexual lives. Be it with the one they marry or chose to spend their lives with or not. I wnatthem to have a helthy appreciationfor the awesomesexual beings that they are. I want them to practice self-love and be wonderful lovers tothe people they "love". I want tohelp them kjnow and understand allabout sex and desire as best I can through example,books, whatevermeans possibe. i hope we willhave a good enough relationship that when they show interest in sex (with anyone!) that they'lltalk to me about it and I can help them with whatever they want to do. I'll provide condoms an dwhatever else. I will not encourage sleeping around and geting it on with random people but if it happens,I'd rather they do it safely than anything. I'm realistic: my children probably won't be waiting til marriage to find their "groove". I have more to say but really want to go read replies.

Namaste, Tara
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:13 PM
 
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I would not demand that my daughters wait until marriage to have sex. However I will ask that they not have sex until they are in a position to deal with the consequences of sex including babies. So I will say when they are at least 18, maybe older. I would also ask that they be in a committed relationship that is about way more than sex-- that they are friends first, lovers second.

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Old 07-12-2006, 11:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Meiri
I don't assume that marriage is in their futures, though I do hope for grandchildren to love. I don't assume that they'll be hetero either--though DS has indicated that he is.
Ditto to all that. Ds has also indicated that he is hetero (he is 15) and Dd has indicated that she is bisexual, at least at this point (She is going on 13).

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Old 07-12-2006, 11:14 PM
 
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Originally Posted by angelpie545

If my children do choose to have sex outside of marriage, I'm not going to punish them . . .
I will only punish my son if I ever catch him having homosexual sex. I'm not kidding. It's straight to his room for one solid week . . . with NO blowjobs!!!
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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I will only punish my son if I ever catch him having homosexual sex. I'm not kidding. It's straight to his room for one solid week . . . with NO blowjobs!!!
: I almost just peed myself!
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:16 PM
 
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I will only punish my son if I ever catch him having homosexual sex. I'm not kidding. It's straight to his room for one solid week . . . with NO blowjobs!!!
huh?

eta, ok, i guess that was a joke. !
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:20 PM
 
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double post

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Old 07-12-2006, 11:20 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies
What if the person they fall in love with is not baptised and cannot get married in a church or in front of a minister? What if they fall in love with someone of another religion?
Just curious which religion requires baptism before they can be married in the church. The minister part I understand, not the baptism.

As for myself.....I have no issues with my children being married to someone of another religion.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:27 PM
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Just curious which religion requires baptism before they can be married in the church. The minister part I understand, not the baptism.
I don't honestly know. I was just told that I could not get married in a church if I was not baptised. I guess I assumed it was every church.

I, myself, will be married according to my culture. We allow GLBT marriage, also. And we don't exclude anyone, either.
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:33 PM
 
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I don't honestly know. I was just told that I could not get married in a church if I was not baptised. I guess I assumed it was every church.
Dh and I were married in a church (Lutheran) and it wasn't required that dh was baptized (he is, though). On the other end, however, dh was best man in a Catholic church wedding and the priest said he had to be baptized. And he wasn't even the one getting married.

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Old 07-12-2006, 11:35 PM
 
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First I don't assume my children will want to get married. Nor do I think getting married is the ideal or necessary for having a sexual relationship.
I do not own their bodies and I can not decide for them when they are ready to have sex. Only they can and I only hope that they trust me enough to talk to me about it if they want/need to.
Most of all I hope that I provide an environment for my children that allows them to grow into their sexuality in a healthy way.

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Old 07-12-2006, 11:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Brigianna
I will teach my kids to wait until they're married, in accordance with our religious beliefs. I want to mention, though, this topic has come up before in a couple of threads and several people have suggested a dichotomy of teaching chastity vs. letting them make their own choices. I don't think that is a fair contrast--I will teach my kids our values, but I certainly won't try to force them to live that way, nor would I be able to if I wanted to. There seems to be a certain double standard about this issue, in that parents can teach their values to their kids about any number of things, and it's understood that the kids can of course come to their own conclusions and make their own choices as soon as they are of an age to do so, but for some reason people associate teaching values about sexual behavior with not letting them make their own choices. Anyway, that's a bit of a rant but I wanted to point it out.

As to "why," for us chastity is purely a religious issue. Avoiding the risk of pregnancy and std's is a fringe benefit. So I don't really care about that part, as it's peripheral to what we're teaching.

When they begin showing sexual interest, I would hope that they would share it with us and be fairly open. If they're like most American kids, they'll probably want to go on dates, which they will have the opportunity to do, and dh and I will of course talk to them about self-control as well as safety. I don't think we'll make "rules" like having to be supervised or be in by a certain time, because that's not us, and that's not the kind of relationship I want to have with my kids.

Short of locking them up away from any exposure to the opposite sex, there is no way to "make" kids be chaste. People can be very "creative" as far as location and whatnot, and fear of punishment isn't much of a motivator. Chastity has to be something you *want* to do because it's what you sincerely believe in; it can't be forced. So I won't even attempt to "make" my kids wait, but only try to teach them our beliefs and why I believe that they should.

And, for what it's worth, I did wait until I was married, and I got married at age 26. So it can be done if that's what you choose.
:

I agree with 98% of this post.

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Old 07-12-2006, 11:38 PM
 
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My opinion on this is i dont want my kids to think they cant come to me about anything, sex included. I will teach them to respect thier bodies, that sex is fun and can be wonderful but it can also cause confusion and pain.

I got on the pill through school at 16 - we had an on campus clinis that would NOT talk to your parents and we could get very cheap bc. Then i got it from planned parenthood as my insurence was crap. I dont feel bad about any of my sexual past. I was emotionally ready at 16 to handle sex and all that went with it.

Dh came from a VERY religious VERY sexually conservative background. The misinformation is crazy. A girl he had sex with at 18 afterwards told him they werent breaking any rules because they were "not having sex in the sex hole but in the pee hole" : and she believed it!!!
She (and he) were so uninformed about thier bodies. Dh was amazed at all the stuff he learned about the femal anatomy while i was pg.

Other girls thought it "didnt count" if he didnt "finish" or she didnt "finish"


Other girls i talk to (my sis is 15 and i am just "cool enough" to be privy to soe convos) do not respect thier bodies and give oral sex or have anal sex because it "isnt really sex" and isnt such a sin - they are still virgins in their minds...
So it isnt out of respect for thier bodies but to covet a word VIRGIN

A whole bunch of girls at my 15 year old sisters school started having lesbian sex together because they were so pressured to have sex and they didnt want to so instead they did the "safe thing" and just all had sex with each other. It "got them off the hook" by being a lesbian.

At my younger sisters school (she is 11!) they all talk of sex. Most of the girls have at least given a blow job and probably 1/4 have had intercourse. They are in 5th grade!

I want my dd (and future kids) to be relaxed, comfortable and able to ask me anything. I also dont have a big issue with marriage. I always wanted kids but never wanted to be married...not sure how dh convinced me to marry him actually? :
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies
I don't honestly know. I was just told that I could not get married in a church if I was not baptised. I guess I assumed it was every church.
I got married in a Christian church way before I was baptised. My sister was married in a Catholic church without ever having been baptised. There may very well be churches that require baptism....I just didn't know of any.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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Old 07-12-2006, 11:42 PM
 
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I agree with 98% of this post.
Now I have to ask. What's the 2%?
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