Attached Parents, but not Attached Partners? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 02-10-2007, 05:17 AM - Thread Starter
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Not sure where to post xposted...

I need some help/advice.
My dh and I are attached parents--very attached to our children and we LOVE that 'form' of childrearing.
I worry though that we don't feel the same attachment to eachother. Part of this is due to his job--military--and lots of deployments. Hard to stay attached when he is gone so much.
So I'm looking for ways to foster attachment in our relationship, without causing any disruption in our attachment with our kids. (ie I don't want to stop co-sleeping just so dh and I can have some alone time in bed.)
So..what do you guys do to create an attached feeling with your spouse/partner?
I'm so afraid of one day looking at eachother after the kids are gone and saying 'WHO ARE YOU??'
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#2 of 5 Old 02-10-2007, 05:37 AM
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It's hard when there's a lot of separation. We had a long distance relationship for three and a half years, more than half of that time spent apart. We talked on the phone daily and it was still weird at first when we'd rejoin each other. But that was roughly for 5 mo periods and after a week or so we'd reconnect. It was harder when we could only visit for one or two week periods... that basically never quite worked.

I like to keep up the physical connection when we're together. Not referring to sex. Just closeness, lots of contact, snuggle time. If we had a couch it would be easier, but we manage pretty well.

I also like to be really affectionate physically and verbally. Because I am, he is as well. Whenever I'm struck with something I admire about him I'll usually lavish him with praise... I had to do this seriously in the beginning to repair some of his confidence from before me. And I figure it offsets my teasing at other times
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#3 of 5 Old 02-10-2007, 10:51 AM
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I don't know, I think it has to do with personalities of both parties involved as well as mindset and making a conscious decision and following through with it to be as such.

DH and I are VERY much "attached partners" and we dwelt with lots of deployments and schools, so lots of apart time. I think it helps we've always been as such, so not much help I suppose.

Some things we have always done:

Verbally express our love, adoration and respect of each other, and meaning it, often.

Touch often, not necessarily in a sexual manner, just touching. For instance, I walk by and smile at him and rub his shoulder, or snuggling up on the couch to read or watch tv, or lately he's been going by and plays with my hair on. WE have always done fly by kisses or even if we are passing each other, take time to snuggle hug and smooch (non-sexual kissing). When we sleep, even when we had a child in the bed, we'll at least have our feet touching.

Everything comes naturally to us, it's not forced, or coerced. We do it simply because we adore, admire, love, respect, and enjoy each other and love to express it often. NOW, we aren't "gross" about it we don't get syrupy out in public, so others don't get a cavity from our love.

This works for us (15+ years and counting, and love each other more today than when we got married) , but it may not be for others.

Ahhh tea the essence of life.
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#4 of 5 Old 02-10-2007, 12:32 PM - Thread Starter
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Wow reececcup--I would LOVE it if we paid that kind of attention and care to eachother. I'm starting to susspect that it is harder for dh to give of himself to me since he never saw that kind of love and touch in his parents...I also don't think he was attached to his parents..a lack there--
This is going to be a challenge for us...
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#5 of 5 Old 02-10-2007, 12:44 PM
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Hmm...interesting. Well, I am currently at a point in my life where I do need to focus some more of my energies on my marriage, and if it "takes away" from my kids then that's what it takes. I'd rather do that then wind up divorced. Sue me. :
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