ILs say I am "evil" - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-22-2007, 03:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Long story, but here goes.
H entered rehab on saturday. I am very proud of him, as are ILs, however they think addiction is something to be ashamed of, not a disease. On sunday, they decided they would come on monday for visiting hours. They live about 1.5 hours away, and our place is about 20 minutes out of the way between them and the hospital. I asked them to come for dinner and to help me with dd, but they declined. I was upset and felt very, very alone. I have no family here. So the next day, H told them I was upset. MIL then called me to explain that they couldn't come because she had an eye appt, had to go visit her dad, and she had to go get her nails done. So what I heard was "I'd rather get my nails done than support you". So I sent an e-mail to my friends and SILs telling them that I am really going to need their help these next couple weeks because "my in-laws seem unwilling or unable to help me". Fast forward to today, I called MIL in tears this morning because I was still upset. She couldn't talk, and called back later. When she called back, she forgot to hang up the phone and kept talking not realizing she was still on voicemail. She went on about how I screen my calls and how I was going to spin this by saying that she wouldn't talk to me. Then went on to say that I am nothing but "pure evil" which she repeated more than once. My reaction was perhaps not the best. I called her and said "You think you've seen evil? I'll show you evil". I know. Bad move. I then called FIL and asked WTF? He told me I was evil and was saying evil lies about MIL. I went on to berate him about how MIL abused H growing up and how MIL cares about no one but herself. I know. I did not handle this the best. I should not have gone off as much as I did. FIL then called H and apologized to him. I forwarded e-mail to ILs so they could see exactly what I said. I have not received any apology. H is going to confront them tomorrow. But I just can not get past this. Way to kick me when I'm down. I am trying to stand by their son through this, and they call me "evil"? Because I *dared* question their support? We are moving soon, and I am so hurt, I am not above withholding dd from them. I don't want her exposed to their hurtful lies. They, or at least MIL are so BEYOND toxic, that I don't know what to do. H is completely fine with what I told FIL, he just wished I had let him say it when he was ready. I think they are abusive, selfish, and toxic and we would be better off never ever seeing them again.
Any thoughts? Am I a spaz (don't answer that!)? Was I right?
ETA: You can view my past posts for other IL stories. Like the one about them making us pay to eat x-mas dinner with them.
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Old 03-22-2007, 04:00 AM
 
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That is just awful!!! That is family I don't think really needs to be a part of your lives.
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Old 03-22-2007, 04:02 AM
 
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Old 03-22-2007, 09:40 AM
 
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It sounds like you're all stressed to the max. I'm sorry things are so stressful right now, but the rehab is a huge, huge thing. Healing to your dh.

Can't give up actin' tough, it's all that I'm made of. Can't scrape together quite enough to ride the bus to the outskirts of the fact that I need love. ~ Neko Case

 
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Old 03-22-2007, 09:46 AM
 
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ITA with Penelope- the stress is overwhelming for you right now. Try to find some peace & healing for yourself! I wouldn't wait for an apology- just move on & let go- just concern yourself with you, dd & dh!
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Old 03-22-2007, 09:53 AM
 
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Sounds to me that y ou know exactly what you need to do with these toxic people...run!
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:35 AM
 
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we need a scissor emoticon, so i can show how to cut, cut, cut these toxic people out of your life. i know you are dissapointed by their actions, and i am sorry they are not better people then they are.
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:35 AM
 
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You did nothing wrong and they called you evil. They are toxic people.
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:45 AM
 
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That is awful and i would have done the same thing you did, maybe worse.I know about toxic MIL's.My dh's mother has been abusive to him all his life and i hate when she is around my dd.
Protect yourself and you dd.Move FAR away.
Hugs,
Kaitlin
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:48 AM
 
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Toxic is toxic. My own family is toxic to me. We get along now, but that is only after a HUGE upset a couple of months ago. The very best thing for me has been distancing myself from them to a certain extent. I vented (just like you) and then stood my ground. Everyone is better off for it IMHO. You can read my past posts about how bad things were.

Anyways... Stand your ground!
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:54 AM
 
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- that's awful.

Mightymoo - Mom to DD (6) and DS (4)
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:58 AM
 
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I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need. And I'm sure this much upset isn't helping DH in rehab .

I would cut off all cotact and not respond to anything you hear through the grapevine. It sounds like you'd be much better off without them in your life.

As an off topic aside:

How are you able to talk with DH so much in rehab? My brother entered one this past week and there's no contact for the first couple of weeks. It's hard.
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Old 03-22-2007, 11:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by nicole lisa View Post
I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need. And I'm sure this much upset isn't helping DH in rehab .

I would cut off all cotact and not respond to anything you hear through the grapevine. It sounds like you'd be much better off without them in your life.
:

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Old 03-22-2007, 11:47 AM
 
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These aren't people that you need in your life right now. They certainly aren't going to provide you with any help, so you can forget about that. They are only going to add stress to what is already a stressful situation.

What is your dh's relationship with them like? Will it be more stressful or less stressful for him if you just cut them off?
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Old 03-22-2007, 11:52 AM
 
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Oh gosh, what a horrible situation. It sounds like your husband is standing behind you, which is great. I agree that they sound like very toxic people.
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Old 03-22-2007, 12:21 PM
 
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(((HUGS))) Mama! I understand how hard it can be with no support system. Hang in there, and when you move try to find a playgroup...they're everywhere, and trust me, you will find a group with "Your" kind of people.

I have always avoided playgroups like the plague, till this past winter. I foung a great group of girls to hang out with, that aren't snobby or pretencious (IMO thit's what is wrong with most playgroups)

BTW, you are right. MIL is the evil one. Don't give her any more ammunition agianst you.

Aviod her and FIL at all costs, as well as othere who might tattle to them.

Things will get better.

Healing vibes for your DH.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=802589268Blissed out Mama of 4 Peace.gif
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Old 03-22-2007, 12:49 PM
 
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I am so sorry you are going thru this with no support. Have you heard back from your friends or SILs reagrding the email asking for help? Can they?

Rehab is a really big thing and you husband needs to focus and devote his energy to kick his addiction. He should not have to deal with his parents giving you grief. If at possible please try to keep him out of this now. Does his councillor know what is going on? Most centers ask that outside family member limits there visits in the beginning just for this reason.

Pardon me while I puke.gif

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Old 03-22-2007, 01:03 PM
 
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I have to say ther are "family insults" that should be forgiven for the sake of your children and future of your extended family... this does not sound like one of them! She is trying to hurt you. If someone is that wrapped in themselves to not see it, yeah, run away.
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Old 03-22-2007, 01:16 PM
 
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"What will you do once you know?"
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Old 03-22-2007, 01:18 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else. I hope your dh recovers quickly and that you are able to cut these toxic people out of your lives
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Old 03-22-2007, 01:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by HollyBearsMom View Post
I am so sorry you are going thru this with no support. Have you heard back from your friends or SILs reagrding the email asking for help? Can they?

Rehab is a really big thing and you husband needs to focus and devote his energy to kick his addiction. He should not have to deal with his parents giving you grief. If at possible please try to keep him out of this now. Does his councillor know what is going on? Most centers ask that outside family member limits there visits in the beginning just for this reason.
Agreed. You are totally justified in feeling upset and angry, but it would probably be best for your husband's recovery if he didn't have to deal with family drama right now - he needs to focus on getting well. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
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Old 03-22-2007, 02:00 PM
 
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I have to say ther are "family insults" that should be forgiven for the sake of your children and future of your extended family... this does not sound like one of them! She is trying to hurt you. If someone is that wrapped in themselves to not see it, yeah, run away.
Ditto with what this poster said. But unlike the other girls are suggesting I WOULD tell DH and then I would tell his councilors. He doesn't need those kind of people visiting him at Rehab. That is PURE toxic people and they need cut off and out
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Old 03-22-2007, 02:14 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Alisteal;7624612He doesn't need those kind of people visiting him at Rehab. That is PURE toxic people and they need cut off and out[/QUOTE]

That's a good point, too.
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Old 03-22-2007, 02:16 PM
 
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If they are going to act like that, they aren't worthy of being in your life.
Kudos to your DH for entering rehab! I agree that rehab should be notified as his parents' behavior could have a negative effect on his rehabilitation.
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Old 03-22-2007, 03:09 PM
 
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I'm sitting here shaking my head at your il's..... Shame shame shame on her. I feel sad for you, that you had to overhear something so hurtful. I'd have NOTHING to do with that woman and probably I'd have handled it the same way. I don't see that you were wrong in any way, you were HONEST about your feelings....and you had a right to be.

Yep, toxic. And yeah, I'd probably keep my dc from seeing them too. It's sad that they can't be decent enough to be in your child's life, but........we have to protect our babies from family sometimes even.

I hope you find peace and you and your DH move on to wonderful things.
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Old 03-22-2007, 04:09 PM
 
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I'm going to be a nag.

You have a dh in rehab. You have a young daughter who is most likely confused and scare, wondering where daddy is and why her life is not feeling very safe and secure. You have to take care of everything - in essence being a single parent.

Stop worrying over what they think. It won't fix anything. They won't change. They may be comfortable in denial and enabling. You aren't and cannot afford to be. On the flip side, depending on the severity of your dh's addictions and the actions he may have taken, they may be tired of his lies and really don't want to be involved till he is well into recovery. I don't know

Reach deep inside for that inner strength that you know you have and use that to get you through these difficult times. Your dh is trying to get healthy, clean and sober. Not an easy task.

You have to learn how to live with and love a non-using addict. Take advantage of any classes the program offers for partners. Get yourself to al-anon meetings. If those aren't very doable, hit the library and get some book on addiction and recovery.

Do not spend precious energy on people who are not worth it.

Your family is your child and your dh. Focus on that, let the negatives go. It's not easy, I know. One of the most important lessons I learned in my STEP group (families of addicts group) was that I could only control myself. Can't control the addict, can't control other family members, just me. And I had the power to behave in a non-reactive way, using wise mind, not emotion mind, follow links and chains and learn that I had to be accountable for myself, not for others. I cannot expect others to live up to my expectations and then be angry when they don't.

It's hard. I know...

I hope your dh gets the help he needs and is able to get on his path to recovery and stay there.

Hug that baby for me!

Janis

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Old 03-22-2007, 04:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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One of the most important lessons I learned in my STEP group (families of addicts group) was that I could only control myself. Can't control the addict, can't control other family members, just me. And I had the power to behave in a non-reactive way, using wise mind, not emotion mind, follow links and chains and learn that I had to be accountable for myself, not for others. I cannot expect others to live up to my expectations and then be angry when they don't.

It's hard. I know...
God does that hit the nail on the head. I expected his parents to live up to my expectations, then reacted in anger when they didn't. I have so much to change. So much. I went to Al-Anon last night for the first time. I was mainly lost in the jargon, but I at least connected with some like people. I'm still really struggling on the "act, not react" thing, as I am with everything else. But your post was not "nag-gy". It was enlightening and helpful.
Oh, also could you pm me what STEP group you use? I'm thinking there are some besides Al-Anon and Nar-Anon? Thanks for your help. You are not a nag.
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Old 03-22-2007, 05:05 PM
 
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STEP group was a class offered through my daughter's rehab.

It followed a Dialectical Behavior Therapy based program. DBT is very effective with teens but also with adults. I've found it very helpful not just in dealing with my dd, but my other kids and adults I know.

If you'd like to talk more via PM, or use me to bounce ideas off of, ask questions, whatever, just shoot me a note. My pc is almost always online and it beeps when I have email so I can usually be reached easily.

I'd be glad to help any way I can.

Janis

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Old 03-22-2007, 06:12 PM
 
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Stay away from them, for all of you. Your husband needs to work through his baggage where they are concerned but they do not need to be in your life at all. You have to protect your child and it sounds like they have no problem abusing children emotionally. Just cut them out.

You can do it - you will make it the next few weeks. Your husband is strong to go to rehab. You are strong to stay by him and take care of your DD. You can do this.

Jenn
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Old 03-22-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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You know, as far as telling the people working with your husband....

I knew a woman who had surgery on her back. She wasn't allowed to lift anyting heavier than a kleenex box... and she had a four yo son. He had to be "farmed" out to church friends and family that hated her church while she recovered. What was so hard for her was to hear from her family that her son was miserable, crying, upset, missed her so much. What made her happy and relaxed and prone to heal was when the church frinds would tell about all the fun he had and how much he was enjoying himself.

How that relates... your husband needs to know he can focus on himself to get better. That you and your child are doing ok and happy without him.... despite what his family may say.
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