Bring a casserole so she doesn't have to cook.
Bring some groceries so she doesn't have to worry about it. (I couldn't go grocery shopping for several weeks, too many children.)
Bring flowers because it's the thought that counts (I had people I'd never met from DH's office sending us flowers and I was so touched).
Bring a "new" toy for the 5 yo to keep him occupied (or a DVD if they're TV watchers).
Offer to help her sort her mail, do a couple loads of laundry, some dishes, etc.
Take the 5 yo to the park if he's going stir-crazy and mom needs some alone time.
Give her a hug, no words are needed. Just hold her for as long as she needs it, it can feel like the world is spinning out of control.
Offer to listen if she needs to talk.
If you have a large family, which it sounds like you do, arrange with them so that someone is assigned to check in with her daily (in person, not by phone) for a few weeks at least. Then every other day for a few weeks, etc.
If at any time (now, next week, next month, next year, etc.) she wants to talk about him, listen. Don't change the subject, don't brush her off.
If you're going to go by, let her know what time to expect you so if she wants to take a shower and get dressed she can. But if you don't mind her being in her pjs, let her know that as well. (I'm assuming she's taking some time off work.)
On his birthday, send her a "thinking of you" card.
Even after the daily visits end, be sure to call her up once a week or so and ask her if she needs anything. Ask her how she's feeling (not how she's doing, which seems to beg the answer "fine").
If she seems to be sinking into depression, encourage her to see her doctor.
Encourage her to seek out a therapy group (see if you can find one in her area).
Don't stop calling/visiting just because it's been a few weeks or even a couple months. The pain continues.
Make sure someone is available on every anniversary (weekly for the first month, then monthly). Those days can be particularly hard.
Birthdays, mother's day, holidays are also extra hard. Offer to help in any way you can, but make sure there's no pressure for her to attend something that she may be uncomfortable with.
Is someone helping make arrangements? That can be very confusing, very heart-wrenching.
That's off the top of my head... these are the things I wish someone had done for me (or the things that were done that were appreciated).
Cristeen ~ Always remembering our warrior ~ Our is 3, how'd that happen?!?!
We welcomed another warrior in May 2012!!
2012 Decluttering challenge - 575/2012