Messy situation- drugs, work, compulsive lying, destroyed friendship, cheating spouse - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 12:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am not sure even how to explain it all, but I'll try. I'm sure I'll have to clarify stuff downthread.

We moved states for a job offer. DH's best friend was hiring him and it meant a substantial pay raise for us and a one-way ticket out of Utah. Hallelujah! And they were already friends so we got together to play cards, babysat each others kids, etc the first few months.

Let me state right up front that the company has no protections of any sort for an underling who rats out his supervisor. It is pretty mismanaged. In short if DH tattles he is pretty much fired. Among other consequences, coming later. I don't think I need to state that he's applying for jobs right and left right now.



DH's friend (let's call him Ron) has not turned out to be who DH thought he was.

Ron has a compulsive lying problem. He lies about things that are completely inconsequential. DH has called him on it a few times. The higher ups in the company don't. His lies are things that any moron could see through, things that are totally unnecessary to lie about. And he lies about things like telling a company he's sending a guy out to repair something, then not telling the guy, then blaming the guy so the other company complains about him.

He has no ethics. Example - using the company truck AND the company gas card to go on vacation. Insists his supervisor OKd this. Yeah right.

Ron always seemed to be a family man and a great husband/father. A few weeks ago he started playing some online gaming site at work. Met some girl there and started routinely staying at the office all night chatting and talking to her on the phone. Stopped going out in field AT ALL. Spends all of his work time on the affair.
Of course I want to tell his wife. We are not close but I feel sick thinking about it. So many people know, and eventually she will find out. When she does she'll feel like everyone was snickering behind her back. Not the case at all but that's what it will feel like I'm sure.
Now Ron is taking a vacation "for work" to meet up with this other woman. And for me that puts a timeline on it, because who knows what he could bring home with him?

Over the last month or so a mysterious vehicle has been seen late at night at the shop. And he's suddenly introduced a closed door - knock - office policy. DH is certain there is drug use involved. (DH's history makes it easy for him to spot signs.) And this week Ron hired the guy from the mysterious vehicle. The guy will not be doing any work. Essentially Ron just put his coke dealer on the payroll.


Because we NEED the money right now and they know where we live DH is afraid to do or say anything. So we are applying all over the place to switch employers. Beyond that?

So any of the lawyer mamas or the BTDT mamas have any other advice?
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#2 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:00 PM
 
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I don't really think you should do anything. I think your husband needs to get another job ASAP and get out of there. I think you should keep your nose out of it and just help DH get a new job. In my experience, sticking your nose into another relationship that you aren't a part of will just get you in trouble. And, I don't mean to sound paranoid, but when you involved heavy drugs, it's scary to me. People on coke and crack and whatnot don't think like the rest of us and I'd be really scared about illegal retaliation. You said it yourself, your DH has no protection. If you guys stick your noses in, it's very likely that he'll lose his job and worse. Sure, maybe you could get some recourse, down the road, MAYBE. But why risk it? I would just get out ASAP and never look back.

Good luck. That is a yucky, scary situation.
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#3 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:00 PM
 
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Good God.
No advise, but that was a good read.
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#4 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:01 PM
 
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Aw, crap.

I got nothin'. Wish I did.
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#5 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:07 PM
 
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Stay out of it, and hope that dh finds a new job soon.
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#6 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by anothermama View Post
I don't really think you should do anything. I think your husband needs to get another job ASAP and get out of there. I think you should keep your nose out of it and just help DH get a new job. In my experience, sticking your nose into another relationship that you aren't a part of will just get you in trouble. And, I don't mean to sound paranoid, but when you involved heavy drugs, it's scary to me. People on coke and crack and whatnot don't think like the rest of us and I'd be really scared about illegal retaliation. You said it yourself, your DH has no protection. If you guys stick your noses in, it's very likely that he'll lose his job and worse. Sure, maybe you could get some recourse, down the road, MAYBE. But why risk it? I would just get out ASAP and never look back.

Good luck. That is a yucky, scary situation.
: I absolutely 2nd this. Get away from that situation as fast as you can & never look back.
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#7 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That's what my husband says. I keep thinking that this kind of crap wouldn't go down if good people stood up. But on the other hand if he didn't have a family I know he'd be fighting, hard. He's just scared for us. I'll listen to him (and you).

I do feel awful for Ron's wife and kids though.
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#8 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:44 PM
 
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Nope, don't do anything, just find another job and get out. Don't worry about the wife, don't worry about the drug dealer, just worry about yourself and get out.

Wives have ways of finding out on their own. I'm sure she's onto something going on with him.

If you must, send an email later typed out and anonymous. Do it after you're clear and away from this guy.

Hey, at least you're out of Utah, right?
Lisa

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#9 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by boingo82 View Post
That's what my husband says. I keep thinking that this kind of crap wouldn't go down if good people stood up. But on the other hand if he didn't have a family I know he'd be fighting, hard. He's just scared for us. I'll listen to him (and you).

I do feel awful for Ron's wife and kids though.
Yeah, I totally hear you. turtle just stood up and did what was right. She's unemployed, now. Hopefully, things are better for the people still working there, and, thankfully, she doesn't have a family to support.
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#10 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by lisa49 View Post
Nope, don't do anything, just find another job and get out. Don't worry about the wife, don't worry about the drug dealer, just worry about yourself and get out.

Wives have ways of finding out on their own. I'm sure she's onto something going on with him.

If you must, send an email later typed out and anonymous. Do it after you're clear and away from this guy.

Hey, at least you're out of Utah, right?
Lisa
All this and I still am glad we did it.
If this is nothing but a lesson and a stepping stone to something better, that's great by me.
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#11 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:57 PM
 
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Your dh needs to get out of that job as soon as he can! I used to work for a compulsive liar. Turns out he was, in addition to his many other lies, also lying about what rights I had in the job. : Try to make sure that doesn't happen to your dh.
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#12 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 01:59 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boingo82 View Post
That's what my husband says. I keep thinking that this kind of crap wouldn't go down if good people stood up. But on the other hand if he didn't have a family I know he'd be fighting, hard. He's just scared for us. I'll listen to him (and you).

I do feel awful for Ron's wife and kids though.

I agree, I would feel badly too............but I agree with the others, she'll find out somehow if she doesn't already have an inkling and it just seems too risky for you to do anything.
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#13 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:05 PM
 
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Are you concerned about liability simply because your dh thinks he knows what's going on? Or is there something more? If the former, he should be in the clear, so it's just a practical matter of getting out of a possible sinking ship asap. How awful!
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#14 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Are you concerned about liability simply because your dh thinks he knows what's going on? Or is there something more? If the former, he should be in the clear, so it's just a practical matter of getting out of a possible sinking ship asap. How awful!
We're concerned about loss of income, and moreso, any retribution from the drug dealer. I don't know, really. I don't really have street sense but DH does, and he wants to stay low and get out. If he's scared I'm scared.
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#15 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:18 PM
 
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Yes, that is really scary. I agree, you should not do anything, and just work on getting out. I doubt Ron is going to retain any value to the company if he's not going out at all, so at some point others are going to wise up to what's going on. And, as you said, his wife is going to figure it out soon too.
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#16 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:21 PM
 
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my two cents would be to get away from this situation as soon as you can.... but to figure out a way to clue Ron's wife in... maybe she alreaedy knows something.. but maybe she doesn't... who doesn't deserve some kind of a heads-up on a crazy thing like this? like you said, who knows what Ron will be 'bringing' back...

to you and your dh!!!!!
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#17 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:26 PM
 
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Esp knowing the area you are in i would keep my nose out til you are gone.
What type of work does your dh do? Maybe there is something in ABQ for him.
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#18 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:26 PM
 
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I'd feel really bad for the wife and kids too but you have to think of your family first. Sometimes you just wish you could un-know things

Good luck on the job hunt! craigslist is sometimes a good place to look.
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#19 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:38 PM
 
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I agree, keep your nose out of it and have dh find another job.

His wife knows. Maybe she doesn't know about this affair, but she knows he's a pathological liar. And this may well be one in a series of affairs.
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#20 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:42 PM
 
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When my was-band was cheating on me with a girl at his work, one of my brother's fraternity brothers who worked with them told my brother, who then told me. (Did you follow that?

Can you let "Ron's" wife know in a similar way?

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#21 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 02:51 PM
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Unless the wife is dense, it sounds like the liar is not good at lying and if she wanted to know, it would not be hard to figure out the truth. Some people do not want to know even when it is obvious. Not much you can do about that. Focus on what you can do to keep your family safe and finacailly sound.

One thing that you might want to look into doing, depending on the field your dh is in...

While his company seems to not care he is a liar, those companies that work with your dh's company might care. Maybe they could be dropped a sublte hint
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#22 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 03:02 PM
 
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The thing is that once he is in a different position he may very well be able to turn on a light and send the roaches scurrying. But now is not the time.
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#23 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 08:14 PM
 
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What a scary situation to be in. I hope he gets any sort of job, just something to get him out of there fast.
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#24 of 25 Old 11-16-2007, 09:06 PM
 
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I hope your dh finds another job soon. I also would not say anything to anyone about this right now. I hate to sound wimpy and like I don't like to stand up for what's right, but I think your family's safety comes first.

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#25 of 25 Old 11-17-2007, 02:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iris' Mom View Post
Yes, that is really scary. I agree, you should not do anything, and just work on getting out. I doubt Ron is going to retain any value to the company if he's not going out at all, so at some point others are going to wise up to what's going on. And, as you said, his wife is going to figure it out soon too.
I'm hoping. Ron is the manager over this location of the company and all higher ups are out of state so not much chance of him getting caught. The company's standards are low too, as the last guy in his position stopped working completely (including all underlings) and spent a few months using the shop's tools for personal projects while still getting paid. :

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Originally Posted by Chi-Chi Mama View Post
my two cents would be to get away from this situation as soon as you can.... but to figure out a way to clue Ron's wife in... maybe she alreaedy knows something.. but maybe she doesn't... who doesn't deserve some kind of a heads-up on a crazy thing like this? like you said, who knows what Ron will be 'bringing' back...
to you and your dh!!!!!
She is pretty naive. Still seems like she should figure it out! He even got internet access at home, which they didn't have before. He is paying it on the company credit card too. The problem is that only DH and 3 fellow underlings know about it at all. So if we told it would not be that hard to trace it to us, esp considering none of the other underlings know the wife.

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Originally Posted by a-sorta-fairytale View Post
Esp knowing the area you are in i would keep my nose out til you are gone.
What type of work does your dh do? Maybe there is something in ABQ for him.
Oilfield. There is an employee shortage right now here and we're hoping that's in our favor. We did buy a house so don't want to move to ABQ if we don't have to. I'm not above moving again though, now that I know we're capable.

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Originally Posted by Kitsune6 View Post


I'd feel really bad for the wife and kids too but you have to think of your family first. Sometimes you just wish you could un-know things

Good luck on the job hunt! craigslist is sometimes a good place to look.
Thanks! I hadn't thought to check there as they don't have a section specific to our area. Sometimes stuff is hiding in the ABQ section though.

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Originally Posted by EFmom View Post
I agree, keep your nose out of it and have dh find another job.

His wife knows. Maybe she doesn't know about this affair, but she knows he's a pathological liar. And this may well be one in a series of affairs.
We're pretty sure it's not a repeat deal - we've known them for 6 years now, almost their whole marriage. Honestly it all seems out of character. We knew he smoked pot but that was it. The rest is a surprise.

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Originally Posted by kathirynne View Post
When my was-band was cheating on me with a girl at his work, one of my brother's fraternity brothers who worked with them told my brother, who then told me. (Did you follow that?

Can you let "Ron's" wife know in a similar way?
Probably not without it coming back to us since so few people know about it right now unfortunately.

Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone View Post
Unless the wife is dense, it sounds like the liar is not good at lying and if she wanted to know, it would not be hard to figure out the truth. Some people do not want to know even when it is obvious. Not much you can do about that. Focus on what you can do to keep your family safe and finacailly sound.

One thing that you might want to look into doing, depending on the field your dh is in...

While his company seems to not care he is a liar, those companies that work with your dh's company might care. Maybe they could be dropped a sublte hint
One of the safety inspectors for another company caught Ron smoking pot on the job while driving a few months back - and said he wasn't going to "touch that with a ten foot pole"! Seems a lot of people know about one indiscretion or another and nobody wants to get involved.

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Originally Posted by kama'aina mama View Post
The thing is that once he is in a different position he may very well be able to turn on a light and send the roaches scurrying. But now is not the time.
You are right. I don't think we can do anything while still in the middle.

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Originally Posted by 2 in August View Post
What a scary situation to be in. I hope he gets any sort of job, just something to get him out of there fast.
Thank you. We're desperate. We even sent applications to Halliburton - because that would be better than this.

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Originally Posted by greeny View Post
I hope your dh finds another job soon. I also would not say anything to anyone about this right now. I hate to sound wimpy and like I don't like to stand up for what's right, but I think your family's safety comes first.
Thanks. I think you are right.
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