What do i do? I never expected this - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 10:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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First, the background. 4 years ago my father died (age 52). He had remarried and had been married to this woman for 3 years before his death. He never made out a will, and we signed away our rights thinking it was so she could take care of the house and stuff that was in his name. Lo and behold, a year after his death, she takes everything and moves in with her new boyfriend, and married him before the 2nd anniversary of my father death. And things that we were suppose to be able to have/take - she took with her, or even threw away... leaving me and my 2 brothers feeling totally betrayed, with barely anything of our fathers. My mother (age 53) died this past summer in July.

Which brings me to this morning. I got an email from her, and i thought at first it was just a forward. A couple of months ago she had sent a friends request on facebook, but i have not yet "approved" it. Anyways, here is the email (and i changed names, just in case)....

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Good Morning,

Let me first say, this letter is long overdue. I've sat down a thousand times to write and have no good reason why I didn't send it - I guess I thought perhaps because you'd broke contact with me maybe that is how you wanted things so I left it at that, and of course you are under no obligation to respond. I just learned about you Mother and I am very sorry to learn of your loss, I hope things are going well for you and "my husband".

I wanted you to know that I think of you and the kids often and pray that all is well. I miss seeing them very much and now that "step-brother" has a son ("baby's name") I miss them even more. Although I went from being a Grandmother back to being a Mom with teenagers I've never stopped thinking about or caring about all of you and often find my mind wondering and wondering how you all are.

I'd love to stay in touch if you'd like - just email back. Again I hope all is well and you are doing good. I've attached a pix of "step-brothers baby".

Thinking of you all.
"the step mom"
Ok - how the heck do i reply to this?? Do i reply to this? Part of me wants to ignore it and jsut go back along my merry way. The other wants me to let her know how i really feel, that i just didn't "break contact" (she was in part fault of that too), but how betrayed I, and my brother, feel by her. For referrence, I never held anyways against my step-brother, and still consider him as such... but i stop referreing to her as family as soon as she was too "busy" with her "new" family (her new husband has 4 kids of his own, all still at home last i knew).

What do i do?!?!?!

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#2 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 10:13 AM
 
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Tell her how you feel. And if you want to keep contact or not. Make sure she knows that if you upset her you have been keeping feelings in for a while that might come out not quite right maybe?
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#3 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 10:16 AM
 
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I think it would be fine for you tell her that you were very hurt about how things played out ect. I would reply differently probably depending on if you want to severe ties officially or build back a relationship with her.

I'm sorry for yor losses.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#4 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 10:19 AM
 
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I'd write back and ask for answers, but that's just me. You know the situation better than I do. What do YOU want to do?

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#5 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 10:35 AM
 
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I would tell her how hurt you are and why.
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#6 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 10:38 AM
 
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To me it sounds like she feels guilty for how she handled things. Many people jump into relationships way to earlier when they are grieving and feel lonely. It sounds like she was trying so hard to "get on with her life" that she didn't handle part of her life well. As a young widow there is a lot of pressure put on her to do this. Then there is the emotion of being alone.

I do think she acted shelfishly but we all do from time to time.

I don't think she will have answers or the answers YOU want to hear. If you do ask her why expect what might seem like "childish" answers like I was lonely, scared, or even the answer I wasn't thinking I was just happy to find someone to love me after your father or I was just happy to find someone that would love me at 50.

You got hurt by her. I am going to take it this was a biggy but one time situation. You can forgive and see if you can build a new relationship. You can forgive and move on. You can let the anger of betrayal eat at you and wonder.

It does sounds like she understands she handled everything wrong and is making a offering of peace but letting it be your decission.
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#7 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 11:45 AM
 
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The worst case she reads your response and does not reply. At least you have gotten those feelings out in the open and told her how you feel. Good Luck!
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#8 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 12:35 PM
 
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I can understand that you are hurt, but I am not sure why you would have a problem with her having a boyfriend? Usually people who are in really really great marriages tend to move on quicker because they had such a great experience with relationships.

If you signed your rights away, you did so with the understanding that you would no longer have rights? yes?

Did you expect her to mourn forever?

I think you should communicate your feelings to her, and I also think you need to let this woman off the hook for moving on with her life.
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#9 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 12:51 PM
 
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I don't think you are going to get much emotional satisfaction from interacting with her. She's not going to give you what you want. She's not gonna get it.
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#10 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 01:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by transformed View Post
I can understand that you are hurt, but I am not sure why you would have a problem with her having a boyfriend? Usually people who are in really really great marriages tend to move on quicker because they had such a great experience with relationships.
it wasn't that great a marriage.... he considered divorcing her, in part i think because of the many lies about how she spent money, often shopping rather then paying bills (like their car insurance - there was a 2 week lapse and she never told him about it until we renewed insurance and had to tell him about the DMV fee)....

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If you signed your rights away, you did so with the understanding that you would no longer have rights? yes?
we asked for items and were told we could have them after the signing. The lawyer she had in front of us gave us the impression it was the rights to his house/money - not possessions. And, it's not about the items themselves, but the deceptive manner in which she did it. She had us in the lawyers office 2 days after the burial (1 week after death). I was told to NOT bring my husband (who would have know better then to have me sign without a laywer of my own present) but that i could bring my 2month old BFing baby, and she had the funeral costs with her, all but crying how she was going to pay it... which was a LIE - my grandparents (my dad's parents) PAID for EVERYTHING (we found out AFTER the fact).

Quote:
Did you expect her to mourn forever?
no - but she moved in and was sleeping with another man less then 1 year after being made a widow... i found THAT odd. I jsut hope/pray her new husband HAS a will that protects HIS children

Quote:
I think you should communicate your feelings to her, and I also think you need to let this woman off the hook for moving on with her life.
she not only moved on with her life, she left my entire family in her wake totally off guard. My aunts/uncles (dad's brothers and their wives), my grandparents, etc... off guard. Even her own son (not my dad's might i add).

I considering her nothing short but a black widow (her son's father is also dead... died before my step-brother was born, not sure why though, but i know they were not married).

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#11 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 01:48 PM
 
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My dad had a girlfriend TWO MONTHS after my mom died (but he lied to her about how long she had been dead, nice, huh?) and my grandma moved in with her boyfriend about a MONTH after my grandpa died. She then married said boyfriend about 2 months BEFORE he DIED, so that she could get money.

So, I know a thing or two about "black widows" (or widowers, in my dad's case). Yeah, it sounds pretty much like she screwed you guys and now expects you to just be nicey-nicey about it.

I think you need to decide what YOU would want out of a transaction with her. Do you want the possessions you thought you would get? Do you think you will get them? Do you just want her to know how you feel? Would you just feel better if she went *poof* out of your life?

Once you decide what YOU want out of this transaction, you can proceed accordingly. And it's COMPLETELY ok if you decide that you just want her GONE and don't respond.
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#12 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 01:52 PM
 
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Personally, I'm a big fan of communication.
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#13 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 01:55 PM
 
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Tell her how you feel.

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#14 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 02:03 PM
 
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I think you should go to lunch with her and tell her everything. If she cares so much about the relationships, then she will give you all what you want to make amends, right? Perhaps this is all a sign of her being wracked with guilt.
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#15 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i've giving myself getting past Thanksgiving before i reply to her... this time of year is terrible for me (all the holidays, PLUS the end of this month my oldest turns 9 and now that my mom is dead too, i'm really depressed by it).

I will reply, it's how i plan to reply i am not sure. DO i just want to get it out there and then sever the contact, or repair/build the relationship (which would be dependent on many things)

~Kris mama to Alexis (15), Elizabeth (10), Andrew (7), and 1 angel
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#16 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 02:12 PM
 
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This could be an olive branch, maybe she's just testing the waters to see how you'll respond. But only you can decide how much contact you want with her.

My family is just now dealing with something similar. My maternal grandmother died in April, and my Grandfather just mailed my mom (only child) a package with every photo that we've ever sent him over the years. He told my mom that he is moving on with his life and doesn't want to have any more contact with us. And while it's true that my Grandfather married my Grandma when my mom was 12, he was still the only father she's ever known - the only grandfather my brother & I have evern known. Kind of a BIG shock.

Anyway, please let us know what you decide to do. There's a song out right now (can't think of the singer or the title) but the line is something like "forgiveness is such a small word, but so hard to do." Something like that.

Good luck, and if you have any words of wisdom for my own situation, I'd love to hear it.
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#17 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 02:36 PM
 
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i would be open and honest about your feelings

Kristin- Wife to J, Mommy to B (11), M-S (8), and little J (4) and J&J (7 months)
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#18 of 18 Old 11-20-2007, 02:41 PM
 
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Tell her how you feel. So that you can go on with your life either including her or not.

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