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#1 of 23 Old 12-02-2007, 11:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm hoping to get some help/opinions on what I should do about an old high school friend who found me on facebook and is turning into a stalker of sorts. We started chatting two months ago, very causally, you know chattin' about high school from waaaaay back (early 90's) yes, I'm givin' my age away

Here's the thing....he was very hyper in high school and we all suspected ADHD. He was bouncin' off the walls but we only hung out in groups and he wasn't ever a really close friend or anything, but very memorable. Then he moved out of the country to the U.S. Well, he found me on facebook we chatted/had good laughs and when he asked for my number, I stupidly gave them out. I know very dumb. I would never give out my number to strangers, I did. I mean I knew him over 15 years ago. so he called we chatted, he made me laugh with stories he remembered from high school and people we hung out with. Well, the calls become more frequent, calling me every week, then 2x a week, then leaving messages, like one, one day then the next when I didn't call back. I wrote him an email saying it's better to email and chat and talk on the phone once inawhile and NOT to call after 9:30 as we go to bed early and the phone would wake up my 4 year old. So what does he do a day later, he calls the house at MIDNIGHT. We have a 3 hour difference and he knows this. He even left me a message on my house voicemail saying that he knows it's midnight, but that he wanted to call anyway and please don't be mad. Then I email him back and tell him that this is NOT cool. don't do it again. He did. Last night. Called at 10:30pm.

And the worst is....he's depressed and sucidal, which I can relate to as I had depression in the past, but he is puttting so much emotional blackmail pressure on me and leaves 5 min. messages spurting racial remarks and talking about how some husband got him arrested and how he would not have a problem giving me his sleeping meds when I mentioned how I sometimes I have problems sleeping.:

So I emailed him on facebook....Hope I can get your opinions on what to do beside's block his #, the problem is...he often uses different long distance phone cards so somehow this registers as different long distance numbers

Here's the email...Hey. I got your many messages tonight when we got home. I'm sorry you are going thru a very rough ride right now. You sound so sad. I don't know what to say to you. I honestly think you need to speak to someone like a concillor or therapist. Don't get mad at me for saying so, but it could help you get out of this bad spell. Holidays are hard for a lot of folks, for my parents as well and me. But you cannot keep calling me and leaving 5 min messages. You have to consider and respect my family eg. not calling after 9:30pm which you did and admitted that you knew it at the time but basically didn't care. Leaving messages of such a personal nature when anyone in my family could listen to including my son who is asking a lot of questions, you messages have a very serious nature.

Honestly, I would love to talk every so often and email and chat online. But you are seriously freaking me out. I need more space. I'm sorry, but at least I'm honest. You are an amazing person, but I'm more introverted. Some days I don't even have enough breathing room for 10min to myself. So I feel badly that I can't devote the time you do to call, chat, etc.

I know you get me. I hope.



I know this is long and if you've got this far, thanks. Just hoping someone who has more experience with energy vampires like this can help me.
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#2 of 23 Old 12-02-2007, 11:44 PM
 
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I think you are being far too nice in your letter. You need to set straight and firm boundaries with this guy. If you truly want to be friends then let him know that exactly what kind of relationship you are willing to do and firmly tell him that if he continues to act this way you will stop talking to him.

He is blackmailing you and making you feel like you need to take care of him and it's truly not your job. Telling him he needs help is good!!

These are just my opinions though so someone else that's dealt with this might have better advice.

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#3 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 12:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Kitsune6 View Post
I think you are being far too nice in your letter. You need to set straight and firm boundaries with this guy. If you truly want to be friends then let him know that exactly what kind of relationship you are willing to do and firmly tell him that if he continues to act this way you will stop talking to him.

He is blackmailing you and making you feel like you need to take care of him and it's truly not your job. Telling him he needs help is good!!

These are just my opinions though so someone else that's dealt with this might have better advice.


I so agree. Especially with the first part. With someone who is obviously going through some emotional/mental/depression type stuff, and more importantly, is freaking you out... you simply cannot be all "I would LOVE to talk to you blah blah" ... you don't want to give him mixed messages and unfortunately with someone like this, it is important that you lay out your boundaries clearly, firmly, while of course attempting to be respectful and kind -- but it needs to be clear and firm.

I would keep the parts about knowing how it feels around the holidays etc but I would totally just tell him that facebook is the only place you are willing to talk for now.
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#4 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 12:48 AM
 
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Originally Posted by stiles' mummy View Post
Hey. I got your many messages tonight when we got home. I'm sorry you are going thru a very rough ride right now. You sound so sad. I don't know what to say to you. I honestly think you need to speak to someone like a concillor or therapist. Don't get mad at me for saying so, but it could help you get out of this bad spell. Holidays are hard for a lot of folks, for my parents as well and me. But you cannot keep calling me and leaving 5 min messages. You have to consider and respect my family eg. not calling after 9:30pm which you did and admitted that you knew it at the time but basically didn't care. Leaving messages of such a personal nature when anyone in my family could listen to including my son who is asking a lot of questions, you messages have a very serious nature.

Honestly, I would love to talk every so often and email and chat online. But you are seriously freaking me out. I need more space. I'm sorry, but at least I'm honest. You are an amazing person, but I'm more introverted. Some days I don't even have enough breathing room for 10min to myself. So I feel badly that I can't devote the time you do to call, chat, etc.
I know you get me. I hope.

[/I]
I wouldn't put the words highlighted in as your trying to distance yourself from this person. Youneed to be more to the point. I hope this is resolved so you can have peace again!
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#5 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 12:54 AM
 
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I just read "The Gift of Fear" (author's name escapes me now...) which is very relevant to your situation. It's true that women are "Too nice" even when they feel uncomfortable, because of society's expectations for "Ladies." Seriously, you might want to consider dropping ALL contact with him. From what you said about him leaving tons of messages, calling late at night -- especially when you told him specifically NOT to -- he sounds like someone who is just refusing to respect your boundaries and that can get dangerous. Tell him not to call anymore. Period. Don't be nice about it. If he's sad/depressed/suicidal, it has nothing to do with you, so don't let him manipulate your response with that.

I would really just drop all contact with him. No calls, no e-mails... I don't know how Facebook works; can you block him? Seriously, if he's already starting to become an irritant in your life, don't let it escalate. And don't respond to ANY of his messages if you do decide to drop contact. Tempting as it may be to say, "C'mon, just leave me alone..." that just gives him yet another reason to keep bugging you.

OK, sorry if this seems alarmist, but I really believe that it's important to trust your instincts with people like this; especially when it disrupts your family's privacy!
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#6 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 01:05 AM
 
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I agree, you're being too nice.

I had an old college friend e-mail me out of the blue a few years ago. It started out okay, and then it just got weird and sexually charged. I sent him a very brief e-mail, and he never contacted me again. I wrote something like this.

I am not interested in having a relationship with you. Please don't contact me again.

from me.


And that was it. You don't need to justify yourself to this person. If you give excuses for why you want to end the relationship, he'll just find ways to get around the excuses. E-mail once to say that you don't want to hear from him again. And then just let it go. Don't answer e-mails, don't answer the phone. If you happen to pick up the phone when you don't recognize his number, simply say, "I don't want to talk to you. Don't call me again." and hang up.

New signature, same old me: Ann- mama of 2 boys and 2 girls, partnered to a fabulous man.
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#7 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 01:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes I am being too nice and Elastagirl, you are not being an alarmist, believe me, these thoughts crossed my head as well. I hate having to screen my calls and feeling like this.
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#8 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 02:24 AM
 
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Can you block him from calling you?

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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#9 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 02:51 AM
 
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do you actually want to keep talking to him? if it were me i'd tell him i'm done talking to you, do not contact me any further.

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#10 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 02:51 AM
 
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I agree with pps. If you in any way indicate that you "like" talking to him, he will continue. And for someone that refuses to respect the boundaries you have set in place already, I would think any further boundaries would be just as disrespected. The only thing you can really do is to cut ties. And if you feel weirded out, I would definitely trust that feeling.

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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#11 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 04:48 AM
 
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Does he still live out of country?

Maybe your DP can answer the phone for every call the next few weeks.

Sorry you have to deal with this, it's sad when someone starts to have a relationship with you without your permission. But with some people you have to draw a firm boundary because they can't or won't do it themselves.
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#12 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 06:05 AM
 
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Ugh, I've dealt with somewhat similar stuff...I agree with the PPs who have said that if you don't *really* want to maintain any contact with this guy, don't. You have no obligation to.
I think Hillymum's version of the email is perfect, although if you want to cut this guy off completely, I would just give a simple, "I am not interested in communicating with you any longer; please do not contact me again."
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#13 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 06:14 AM
 
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I would immediatly change your phone number and have it unlisted so he cant get the new one. It is free to do here not sure about were you are tho. He could do a reverse lookup and find your house with just that phone number. Scary stuff.

 
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#14 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 07:04 AM
 
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Yikes. Yep, you're being too nice, and say this as a chronically 'nice' person who almost got herself stalked on a number of occasions because of this (actually, there are still three guys who, if I see them in town, I duck and hide into the nearest shop... strongminded, no?). Don't worry about whether he'll think you're sensitive or nice or not--who cares? We all know you're nice, and we're not stalkers. Well, presumably. Aaaanyway, my parents' lives have been pretty much taken over at this point by a woman who used to go to our church, and is now in a nursing home. She has Alzheimers and sometimes rings three times in an hour to say the same things (which, bizarrely, seem to centre about telling us what the weather report is in Brisbane... my parents do hail from Australia, but they're not that patriotic!). My parents feel sorry for her, but--partly because of the Alzheimers, but mostly just because they're too nice--they have failed to establish boundaries. With the result that if I ever go over there to visit and the phone rings, Mum cowers and says 'Oh, can you get it, and if it's R tell her I'm busy!' Not a good thing. You don't want that, trust me!

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#15 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 07:07 AM
 
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I agree, you're being too nice.

I had an old college friend e-mail me out of the blue a few years ago. It started out okay, and then it just got weird and sexually charged. I sent him a very brief e-mail, and he never contacted me again. I wrote something like this.

I am not interested in having a relationship with you. Please don't contact me again.

from me.


And that was it. You don't need to justify yourself to this person. If you give excuses for why you want to end the relationship, he'll just find ways to get around the excuses. E-mail once to say that you don't want to hear from him again. And then just let it go. Don't answer e-mails, don't answer the phone. If you happen to pick up the phone when you don't recognize his number, simply say, "I don't want to talk to you. Don't call me again." and hang up.
That. You have to be blunt and abrupt, even downright rude or mean, and completely shut off all contact. Tell him never again then block his email, don't ever read another one because then you'll (possibly) start getting the suicide threats or worse and it'll suck you back in. Shut off your voice mail for now and hang up on him if you've mistakenly picked up the phone from him. Change your number if you have to.

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#16 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 12:00 PM
 
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I am not interested in having a relationship with you. Please don't contact me again.

from me.
Don't say please.

Read "Protecting the Gift."

"It should be a rule in all prophylactic work that no harm should ever be unnecessarily inflicted on a healthy person (Sir Graham Wilson, The Hazards of Immunization, 1967)."
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#17 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 12:41 PM
 
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"Protecting the Gift" and "The Gift of Fear" both great books by Gavin DeBecker.
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#18 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 01:07 PM
 
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I'm another one that thinks your letter is too nice. It's also too long and drawn out. "I am not interested in having a relationship with you. Do not contact me again".
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#19 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 01:08 PM
 
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I would change my phone number if I was in your situation. It is weird seeing this post. About ten minutes ago my ex boyfriend emailed me wanting my phone number. It felt wrong so I didn't give it.
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#20 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 05:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you sooo much to all that have posted a reply. I have to work on being more assertive and not so "nice'.

He emailed me back basically apologising and asking that we stay friends and sorry for freaking me out and that he won't call again unless I give him permission Also he's coming in town for a reunion. I'm going to have to tell him that I do not care to maintain a relationship and to not contact me again. So why do I still feel like a horrible person for doing this.

However, It has to be done. Thanks agian for all your suggestions and insight. And yes, warning bells were going off. Gotta listen to my gut!
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#21 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 06:19 PM
 
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You are doing the right thing for your future sanity and for your family's safety.
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#22 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 06:48 PM
 
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I wouldn't tell him anything. I'd just change my phone number and never respond to any of his emails. Or, if you can't change your phone number, when you first hear his voice on your voicemail, press delete.
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#23 of 23 Old 12-03-2007, 07:45 PM
 
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Be firm. Your first post gave me the willies. He sounds like a nut.

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