bff.... what do I do? - Mothering Forums

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Old 01-24-2008, 04:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so.... this is my second pregnancy. I have a very best friend whom I have known for 12 or 13 years now who struggled with infertility with her first husband for 4 years. They divorced and now she is in a long term relationship and although a baby wouldnt be great as the guy already has a child and is in the middle of a divorce, I know she secretly hopes every month that a mistake will happen.

It just about tore us apart when I was pregnant the first time. We did work through it, but it was 2 years or so of "issues" and basically her being hurt and jealous that I had a baby and she desperately wanted to, but couldn't.

In fact, she recently told me she is resigning to the fact that she will never have kids. I know she is just trying to prepare herself.... but again, she wishes every month....

Oh, btw, she has PCOS.

SO now her 30th birthday is next month and we have this huge day planned with a day spa (for me and her) and a nice dinner with our partners and some friends.

She is depressed about turning 30, not being married and having no kids. So the last thing I want to do is tell her that I am pregnant again. I plan to wait until after her birthday. I just hope it doesn't slip out.

I guess... I just need some direction. How in the world do I break the news to her? What can I do to soften the blow? Anything?
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Old 01-24-2008, 04:59 PM
 
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I hope someone who has been in your bff's situation will have some insight, because I'd be just as lost as you are. I hope she isn't too hurt.
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Old 01-24-2008, 05:07 PM
 
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I don't have any advice, but that's got to be a tough situation for both of you. I know the feeling of "everyone can get pregnant but me" and it really sucks. But I've also been pregnant while a friend was struggling to get pregnant and it is really hard to be thoughtful of everything you say.

I'm sure some much wiser mama will come along with great advice!
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Old 01-24-2008, 05:16 PM
 
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I was on your end of this bff struggle. My bff tried for 7 years to get pregnant, with no luck. When dh and I decided to ttc #1, I was literally ovulating the next day and got my bfp two weeks later. I struggled with the thought of telling her, and then just finally did. She ended up pregnant 3 months later and our kids are now four.

The problem is, she's been pregnant twice since then, as have I, but she's lost both of her babies and I have mine. That is difficult. I can't even explain. With this last pregnancy, it really came as an un-welcomed shock (initially) and she was the one that I really let all of my feelings out to. I was angry and carrying a baby that I did not want, and she was just about to lose the baby that she desperately wanted. I cried for her, but I kept my distance. I didn't want to rub it in her face, yk?

We saw each other a handful of times throughout my pregnancy and it took her a couple weeks before she came to see my new baby. She cried when she held her. I did too.

I don't have any advice. What is, is. You can't change your pregnancy or make her more fertile. Maybe keeping a distance for awhile will help her cope, or maybe involving her will be the best choice. I really don't know. I feel for you though. Seeing someone in pain that you care for is the pits.
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Old 01-24-2008, 05:30 PM
 
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If it were me, and I was truly worried about lettting is slip (or that other people would), I'd gently tell her first.

And then not mention it at the party.

I think that it can be easier to slip up if you're stressed about slipping. If you know she knows, then there's not this constant self centered "OMFG don't talk about it don't talk about it she can't know don't tell anyone what if they tell her" thing going on inside you that's probably going to make you act weird at her party or just around her in general.

I don't think you can soften the blow, but you can treat her with dignity and respect and love, take her out to dinner or hanging out just you two, and let her know in a way that no matter what she won't have to deal with finding out unexpectedly in public during an already somewhat high stress time.
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Old 01-24-2008, 05:33 PM
 
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Your post made me cry. It brings back my feelings. My bff has been trying to get pregnant since I was pregnant with my son who is almost 5. I have had to tell her I was pregnant 4 more times since then. When I had my son she jokingly (but probably not entirely) said she would be mad if I had my third before she had her first. She said the same thing when I did have my thrid, about me having my fourth. I am having my fourth in May. It is so hard sometimes. We go to the Stitch N Bitch together and people ask me about my pregnancy and it's so hard to answer sometimes. My heart breaks for her and I pray every day that she can get and stay pregnant (she had a miscarriage just over a year ago).

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Old 01-24-2008, 06:41 PM
 
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As someone who has struggled with infertility, I think that your friend is being wildly unreasonable. Your life doesn't (and shouldn't) end because she can't get what she wants in her own life. Not to mention that she left her marriage and is now dating someone with whom she is not actively trying to get pregnant. There is a difference (to me) in approaching someone who is undergoing all of the awfulness of infertility treatment, and someone who just generally wishes her whole situation was different (husband, kids, etc.)

If I were her I would expect you to be respectful of my feelings, not flaunt the pregnancy, and to be willing to listen to my issues.

If I were YOU I would expect her to respectful of my experience and of my happiness.

When I was struggling I preferred to have pregnancy announcements given kindly over the phone or through email. That way I could process it without having to be nice or act excited in person. I would go with "I know that this might be difficult for you to hear, but I am pregnant, and I hope that you can be happy for me." Then I would expect her to be reasonable.
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Old 01-24-2008, 06:54 PM
 
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I agree with the above poster. I spent 10 years trying to have dd, and there were several pregnancies in my circle of family and friends during that time. My cousin gave birth to her last child (her first was born a year after ds1) the same day I miscarried for the second time. I never told her. I had a total of six "oops" pregnancies in my circle, and one of the moms spent hours talking to me about whether or not she wanted to keep it. I went home and cried for about an hour.

All that said - I'd far rather have been in the position I was in than feel as though people couldn't talk to me. My fertility issues and miscarriages were my problem, not anyone else's. I'd say you should tell her on the phone or email or something, and let her process it without having to deal with the face to face aspect. Only you know her well enough to know whether you should tell her before or after her birtday.

I can get a lot of her feelings about 30, though. Numbers don't usually mean anything to me, but when I turned 30, my 13 year old relationship (7 year old marriage) was crumbling, and I'd had my second miscarriage a month before. My life was not what I wanted it to be...but that's no reason for anyone else's life to stop, yk?

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Old 01-24-2008, 07:02 PM
 
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If I were your BFF... I would need you to tell me asap.

But this is coming from my viewpoint.

People in general, while they do not intend to, they treat people dealing with infertility/chronic loss like they have the plague.

Please don't let her find out through the grapevine. This happened to me recently, and I have never been so hurt. This situation has broken me apart from a loved Aunt, and two cousins.

I would want to know, so that I could share in your joy, and congradulate you, also, so that I could prepare my "game face" and suck up those irrational emotions that I don't *realllly* mean. I would also appreciate it if you left the news at just this- an announcement, a gesture of understanding, and a confirmation of your much valued BFF love.

Good luck... and remember, you cannot control the way she feels, but you can always put consideration of her struggles first, and do for her what you would hope she would do for you... am I making sense, or just rambling?

Anyway... good luck... and I hope everything goes well!
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Old 01-24-2008, 07:11 PM
 
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It's hard. A good friend of mine has been trying for several years. She had been trying for about 2 when I had a surprise pg. I was horrified to tell her. She was happy for me and she likes my ds, but I know that it is hard for her to see him. I felt terrible telling her that I was pg. She is still ttc. They did invitro and lost the baby at 8wks.
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Old 01-24-2008, 07:20 PM
 
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Please don't let her find out through the grapevine. This happened to me recently, and I have never been so hurt. This situation has broken me apart from a loved Aunt, and two cousins.

I would want to know, so that I could share in your joy, and congradulate you, also, so that I could prepare my "game face" and suck up those irrational emotions that I don't *realllly* mean. I would also appreciate it if you left the news at just this- an announcement, a gesture of understanding, and a confirmation of your much valued BFF love.
Yeah that. It sucks to have fertility issues and have people around you getting pregnant. But that's their life. I would want to know, privately, from you. I was very happy for my friends who got pregnant while I was ttc, but I absolutely needed time after finding out to cry and feel sorry for myself and then move past that to being happy for them. As for when you should tell her, if there are other people who know, tell her now instead of waiting.
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Old 01-24-2008, 07:29 PM
 
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I have been in a similar situation. I think talking about stuff and letting her be okay (even with resenting you for being pg) if you can, is optimal. If she is your friend, you will have enough trust to not take it personally. It's not her life, it's yours. Let her share in your joy as a true friend would, even if she is also in pain and hurting...It might bond you more as friends. I myself have never been jealous when other people do well (my friend tells me I am weird this way)...the more joy and love in life, the better.
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Old 01-24-2008, 08:04 PM
 
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I think you should tell her asap. I would hope my friends would do the same for me and not try and "shield me" or whatever from their blessing. I've lost 3 babies this year- 2 in the second trimester, and I would still be happy for my friends. Yes, I might wish that it was me too, but I wouldn't want to be left out of the loop. That's just me though.

Heather , momma to ' Parker- 10, Carlee- 7 and our baby Genevieve Faith - 8-27-10

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