WWYD? non custodial parent driving drunk with child? UPDATE post 33 - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I work in bar. It is restaurant, too but mostly it is bar. The bartender asked me tonight if I would write a note to one of the customers ex husbands (not bar customer.but is oddly enough the bartenders landlord)
Bartender told me that the mother (an every day bar regular who drinks to excess every night) has her son in there on Sundays afternoons. She gets drunk and drives him home after being in the bar for hours.
The kid is somewhere between 4 and 6..bartender isn't really sure.

the bartender did not want to write the note b/c she knew her landlord would know her handwriting...
would you write the note/

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#2 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:06 AM
 
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I would skip the note and phone the police.

Kim - Wife to Liam , Unschooly mama to Nick (10/00) Lily (09/05) and Olivia (07/09)
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#3 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:08 AM
 
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I think the bartender should call the police when this occurs...actually before it occurs so they can be ready for her to get in and start up the car. Note is up to you. But how scary.

Rachelle, mommy to 8 year old boys! 

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#4 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:09 AM
 
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I would skip the note and phone the police.
Ditto. The first time I saw her get in the car drunk I would call the police, even if there wasn't a child involved.

I never did understand that- how can people who work in bars just allow people to drink and then leave/drive?

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#5 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:09 AM
 
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Me, too. That poor child.

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I would skip the note and phone the police.
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#6 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:44 AM
 
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I would skip the note and phone the police.
yes, yes, yes!

I can't imagine having even a single drink and thinking it is ok to drive, especially with a child. It is just selfish.

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#7 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:45 AM
 
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I would skip the note and phone the police.
Totally.
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#8 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:47 AM
 
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Definitely call the police.

~Beth, mama to two amazing girls, ages 12 and 6~

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#9 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:48 AM
 
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I'd call the police ASAP, maybe CPS. This child's life is in imminent danger.

Wife to a wonderful dh and mom to four beautiful kiddos, dd (3/04):, ds1 (1/06), ds2 (10/08), and ds3 (7/10)
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#10 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:53 AM
 
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Uh... legally that bartender, and now you, are liable for her becoming intoxicated. You cannot serve someone who's visibly drunk, whether or not you know she's going to be driving. The fact that you know she's driving makes you that much more legally and morally liable for continuing to serve her. I think writing or not writing to her ex is entirely irrelevant. Your establishment needs to stop serving her first, call the cops second - because when you refuse to serve her, she's going to go to another bar that doesn't know her and her habits. But serving her until she's drunk and *then* calling the police will set you up for legal liability.
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#11 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:53 AM
 
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I would skip the note and phone the police.
Yes, this. That's horrible.
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#12 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:55 AM
 
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Is the management where you work unsupportive of the employees in exercising their judgment about serving alcohol? In most jurisdictions, bartenders are *required* to "cut off" customers who have had too much to drink. I'd think that someone who has a child with them would usually be "cut off" a bit earlier, since they clearly have greater responsibilities than someone alone.

If the bartender is concerned about her job security if she does something about this, then someone else who needs a "note" would be the liquor licensing board, I'd think.
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#13 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:55 AM
 
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I'm acquainted with someone on another board who lost her only son to exactly this kind of scenario. Please, call the police.
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#14 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 02:00 AM
 
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The note will do no good. There is nothing the ex husband can do. But there IS something you can do. Call the police with her license plate number when she leaves that establishment drunk.
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#15 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 02:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by tboroson View Post
Uh... legally that bartender, and now you, are liable for her becoming intoxicated. You cannot serve someone who's visibly drunk, whether or not you know she's going to be driving. The fact that you know she's driving makes you that much more legally and morally liable for continuing to serve her. I think writing or not writing to her ex is entirely irrelevant. Your establishment needs to stop serving her first, call the cops second - because when you refuse to serve her, she's going to go to another bar that doesn't know her and her habits. But serving her until she's drunk and *then* calling the police will set you up for legal liability.
couldnt it be anonymous?
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#16 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 02:15 AM
 
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couldnt it be anonymous?
I wouldn't trust it to be anonymous. They'll have a record of where the call is placed from. They'd be able to trace it to you. Or else they wouldn't take it seriously - I'm sure they get all kinds of fun anonymous calls all the time, people looking to make trouble for rivals. Anyway, would they be able to stage a sting based on an anonymous call? I doubt it.

I think you can call them before she shows up next Sunday; I didn't mean to imply you shouldn't call them until after she tries her routine. I think I phrased it poorly before. But I still thing the primary thing you should be doing is NOT serving her to intoxication any more, no matter when you call the cops about her.
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#17 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 02:37 AM
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I wouldn't write the letter unless I could directly attest to the actions the bartender is alleging. And even if I could, I would remind the bartender that knowingly sending someone who is impaired out to drive home brings liability back to the bar and the servers. Does this bartender make a diligent effort to convince the customer to get a cab or find some other means of getting home?
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#18 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 02:47 AM
 
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seriously, the bartender needs to suck it up and call the exhusband/landlord and say "hey, come and get your kid--your ex is about to leave blasted in the car with him". I understand not wanting to get involved, but heck, this is important. If someone needs to drop a dime to the dad, then for goodness sake let him know there's been a problem. The police can't do much unless it's going on right now.
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#19 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 02:49 AM
 
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I'd write a note to the ex-husband informing him that his wife has been reported to the police for driving drunk and that their child was with her in the car when she was doing so--AND WTF ISN'T YOUR BOSS TAKING AWAY THE KEYS?????
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#20 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 02:51 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Ironica View Post
If the bartender is concerned about her job security if she does something about this, then someone else who needs a "note" would be the liquor licensing board, I'd think.
:
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#21 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 03:05 AM
 
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As a person who lost 4 people to a drunk driver (2 of those who lost were pregnant) PLEASE I BEG you please call the police! Please don't let this lady ruin someone's family like that drunk driver did mine.
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#22 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 03:17 AM
 
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I would call too.

no doubt. In fact, if your friend wants to pm ME the ex husbands number, I will call.

I lost my father to drunk driving, my uncle was hit by a drunk driver and my best friend of 13+ years died while driving drunk.

I call. I report. If I see a person driving drunk, I call police and follow them until cops can pull them over.


I would rather have someone call on my loved one than go to their funeral. I would rather my coworker get kicked out of her rental than see a kid get killed.

Driving drunk is so not okay.

Next time I saw this woman in the bar with her kid I would call the police and the ex.

IMHO.

~jen~ )O( mama to k 07/05 o 5/08 and c 12/09
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#23 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 04:39 AM
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I think this could get rather sticky for the bartender. In WA anyway, if a bartender serves someone who is visibly intoxicated, they get fined. The bartender should be cutting the woman off before she is visibly intoxicated.

The bartender should talk to the bar manager about this woman and call the police before the woman leaves. Writing the ex a note is a bad idea. The ex won't be able to prove anything and he will just look vindictive. If the woman goes to jail, he will have proof for the courts.
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#24 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 09:07 AM
 
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Aside from the legal obligations already stated, you have a moral obligation to make sure that this child is protected from his mother's behavior. Would you be able to sleep with yourself at night if one Sunday she drives away drunk with this child and then crashes and kills the child?

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#25 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 10:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I actually told her to call the police. The problem is for me is that I am not there on sundays and haven't actually seen this. Although I have no problems believeing it. I am sure it is true.
The bartender was worried that anyone would find out it was her and I said..."If I were here on sundays I would call the police immediately. I would give my name phone number...I wouldn't care who knew it was me"

I did write the note for her. Maybe I should pick up a sunday shift just so I can be there.
I'll see the bartender again today and see if I can convince her to call the authorities.

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#26 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 11:29 AM
 
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Why is the bartender even serving this lady?
I agree with the police suggestions, you don't have to see it with your own eyes to call them you know. Just do it before it is too late.

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#27 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 01:05 PM
 
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I actually told her to call the police. The problem is for me is that I am not there on sundays and haven't actually seen this. Although I have no problems believeing it. I am sure it is true.
The bartender was worried that anyone would find out it was her and I said..."If I were here on sundays I would call the police immediately. I would give my name phone number...I wouldn't care who knew it was me"

I did write the note for her. Maybe I should pick up a sunday shift just so I can be there.
I'll see the bartender again today and see if I can convince her to call the authorities.
The note will be worthless in court if thats what it is for. An anonymous handwritten note, um no, not going to hold much weight.

The bartender is just as responsible for that woman driving drunk. She needs to cut her off, take her keys, call the cops.
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#28 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 02:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No the note was to let the father know what was going on.

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#29 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 07:29 PM
 
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Or, the bartender could just email this story to the mom...
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#30 of 40 Old 02-20-2008, 07:55 PM
 
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Quote:
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I would skip the note and phone the police.
WOW first response said exactly what I was going to.





So sad for the kid.
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