WWYD? Re. friend and breakup (UPDATED w/ more info, post 5) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 05-09-2008, 09:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have a friend who is significantly older than me (a former teacher of mine). We aren't in touch with each other that often, but she was a very important person/role model in my life when I was younger and I care a lot about her. In late December, she told me via email that she had just gone through a bad breakup. At the time, I was a little surprised by the email--she doesn't often talk about personal relationships --and I think I kind of dropped the ball on the situation. I wrote back an insufficient (IMO) reply, and then a day or two later sent a P.S. saying, "If there's anything I can do, don't forget to ask." I've since learned that she's been in therapy to try to work through the situation.

I've been thinking of broaching the topic again and just saying 1) that I really felt like I dropped the ball and that 2) if she wants/needs to talk about it, I'm hear to listen (when I was young and stupid--as opposed to old and stupid, as I am now--she helped me through a really difficult romantic situation). I feel kind of awkward about it, though, for the following reasons:
1) a lot of time has passed;
2) she's significantly older than me, as I said, so it feels kind of presumptuous somehow; and
3) she really doesn't normally talk about this stuff with me, so, combined with 1 and 2, I'm not sure if it would be inappropriate to say something

OTOH, it's obviously bothering me, or I wouldn't be thinking about it months later! So...WWYD?

ETA: I'm almost certainly going to be visiting her at the end of August...maybe it would be better to talk in person? But that's a long way away, and dh will be there, so I'm not sure how it would work.
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#2 of 9 Old 05-09-2008, 10:33 PM
 
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Would you feel comfortable giving her a call? Just saying, "Hey, I was thinking about you today and wondering how you're doing." Sort of leave it open for her to say something about it if she chooses?

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#3 of 9 Old 05-09-2008, 10:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by greeny View Post
Would you feel comfortable giving her a call? Just saying, "Hey, I was thinking about you today and wondering how you're doing." Sort of leave it open for her to say something about it if she chooses?
Honestly, I wouldn't feel comfortable calling. I am SO not a phone person (I avoid it as much as humanly possibly--I won't even order take-out if dh is around), and I've never spoken to her on the phone before. I think it would just be awkward. I was hoping we could arrange a visit earlier (we live in different states), but it looks like late August is probably the only option.
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#4 of 9 Old 05-10-2008, 05:00 AM
 
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I'd try to keep it positive, and maybe email her now and ask if there is anything she'd like to suggest activitywise for your August visit. Does she know you are planning to visit in August?
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#5 of 9 Old 05-10-2008, 09:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
I'd try to keep it positive, and maybe email her now and ask if there is anything she'd like to suggest activitywise for your August visit. Does she know you are planning to visit in August?
Yes, of course she knows I'm coming. It's a gathering with a few friends, though, so I don't know if I'll have any chance to talk to her alone.

I wanted to give some more info so people could understand my dilemma. The person she broke up with was a woman. I've always known she was a lesbian (as has everyone else), but she didn't officially come out until this break-up, which really through her for a loop, apparently. I think this was a HUGE thing for her--she comes from a sort of "repressed" background, and never officially came out to anyone (although she was in a long-time partnership with another woman, with whom she has children--that was before this break-up, though). I'm bisexual, and she was around through much of my own coming out process and also helped me work through a horrible crush I had on my best friend. I don't know if that information changes things, but my point is that this wasn't quite a "typical" break-up with "typical" fall-out.

ETA: Please don't quote this post directly, even if you refer to it. I may delete or edit later, as I'm not sure how comfortable I feel posting details about someone else's life. Thanks.
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#6 of 9 Old 05-10-2008, 03:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyone else?

Hellooo?

I thought I would get a bunch of responses on this one...

Did I forget to shower this morning or something? :
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#7 of 9 Old 05-10-2008, 04:25 PM
 
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I'd e-mail her and say exactly what you said in your first post. I drop the ball at times as well so i get it.

There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
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#8 of 9 Old 05-10-2008, 05:49 PM
 
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You smell great!

I agree with the previous post, just tell her you want to be supportive & don't know how sometimes.
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#9 of 9 Old 05-10-2008, 09:58 PM
 
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I think it would be really nice if you wrote to her, said you felt like you dropped the ball on her, and that you had been thinking about her a lot and feeling bad for your insufficient response. I'm sure she will appreciate the letter!

I hate the phone too . . . I wouldn't have any friends if I couldn't stay in touch by email!!

Proud Anti-Adoption, Atheist, Reproductive-Freedom Fighter Mama
Rylie is 7, Ronin is 3.5
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