I am a SAHM to a 2 1/2 yo daughter, and very happily married for 4 years. DH and I enjoyed a very satisfying sexual relationship before DD was born, but like many people, things really tapered off once I became pregnant.
I've continued to think that things will improve after certain milestones (6 months, when she sleeps through the night, etc.) but I had to admit to myself yesterday that my sex drive is still *very* low. Almost non-existent, actually. DH is totally the opposite and has a very strong sex drive, so I *know* he feels disappointed that we don't make love more often.
It's not that I don't find DH attractive - he is VERY attractive, in fact. It's just that I don't really have the desire to have intimacy, especially at night when I'm totally exhausted. We do try to have private time during the day (on the weekends) such as when DD is napping or in the morning if she's playing in her room, but still...it's just not the same as before I had a child.
I know everyone is different, but I'm just wondering - are any other mamas going through this? Is there anything that helped you to rekindle your desire for intimacy? I was joking with my best friend about this and said, "I almost want to tell DH, whenever you have sexual feelings, do something to help me around the house!"
I just don't know what to think at this point: Do we both abstain for a while and see if it helps me to not feel the constant pressure? Do I just go with the flow and "give in" even if I don't feel like it, for the sake of harmony and keeping DH happy? Do we try something completely different that I haven't thought of?
PS: I am still breastfeeding DD, but we're down to once or twice a day. I'm not sure if that is a factor.
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I really don't think abstaining is the way to go. Can you imagine if the situation was reversed?
One thing that helps me is to have my ds out of the house. I don't like to think about him waking up and crying/pounding on the door. I have taken him to my parents, and dh and I go back home for our "date".
If you are staying up late with dh, maybe he could let you sleep in the next day.
1. Make sure I'm getting enough "me" time, without LOs and housework -- and also making a point to spend time with DH, even if its just putting down our computers for 20 minutes after the LOs are in bed to just talk
3. Getting back in the saddle, so to speak -- sometimes he'd start and I'd think "oh man, I'd really rather xyz" but once we got into it I'd remember how nice it is. Making a point to, uh, rev my own engine once in awhile also helped remind me that I am a sexual being. Even just making a point to get non-sexual touch going again, as a reminder we are partners as well as parents, helped.
4. Getting my PPD dealt with, by being sure I was eating well and getting some exercise and not wallowing in it.
Consider, too, physical causes -- have you had your thyroid checked? Sometimes that can go wacky after pregnancy.
PS: I am still breastfeeding DH, but we're down to once or twice a day. I'm not sure if that is a factor.
My libido returned full force and then some when I stopped bfing. Until then, it was non existent.
Rachelle, mommy to 8 year old boys!
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It's never come back the way it was.
At best, it's back to maybe 25% of what it was..and what it was was maybe 50% of what dh's was...so it's really VERY much less than dh at this point....
Clearly you meant dc (ds or dd, I'm not sure if brynn is a boy or girls name) and not dh...RIGHT?
Well I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Maybe things will change after DD weans. I think it also doesn't help that DH and I rarely get alone time. We don't have any family in this area, so there isn't really anyone to drop her off with. We have an occasional babysitter, but it's not something we have been doing on a regular basis.
Health-wise, I have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia...so I'm sure that that isn't really *helping* in this area. A lot of times, I am just too tired to give anymore - and that's what sex feels like: Just giving more of my body to another needy family member! I think if I were actually getting something out of it, I would feel differently....the problem is, I don't feel like taking the time or investing the energy to try to make sure that I get the payoff too. I'm just totally apathetic about it.
I try and take time out to do things that I enjoy. I try and think about intimacy in a positive way (as an escape during the day). I try and get turned on (literary erotica is a nice way for me) and I try and think about relations as a way to be really close with DP.
It isn't easy. And it isn't always fun. In the past year has often felt like a chore or something that I do for DP and NOT for me. But, I've tried to reframe the equation and look at in a different way.
I think it does come back, but it doesn't come back all by itself. You have to be willing/able/desirious of doing some work and you have to be able to be patient with yourself.
So, yes, my libido returned. My DH's libido, however, has lessened. Very frustrating
Like others, I find reading erotica helps. I've also found that taking care of my own needs helps. I've invested in some items for myself. Dh and I are exploring areas that we never did before and I'm enjoying that aspect of our life more than I did before.
My family: me , dh , ds (11), dd1 (9), and dd2 (3).
Tout va s'arranger à la fin. Si elle ne fonctionne pas; ce n'est pas la fin.
That's why I got knocked up soon after my son was born and now
we're waiting for the little girl to get here in about three weeks.
I need a break from being pregnant, so after the little girl gets here,
we're going to be sure to be very careful!!!
BTW, I have NOOOOOOOOOOO sex drive while I'm pregnant.
He can just go have a private moment in the shower or something.
Candace, Married to dh , Mom to ds (8) , Gavin (9/30/10 - 12/19/10) and cautiously expecting our 4-29-12
Of course, we also just started TTC #2, which tends to make me in the mood.
I think the important thing is that even when we were not in the mood, or even unable to find time (many times I am in the mood about mid day, when I am at work, and it completely dissapates by 10pm when DD is asleep and the household chores have been done) we still kissed and cuddled and showed affection to one another. I think that helps keep you close.
my best advice for you is just do it anyways, even if you don't feel like it. maybe not every time your dh wants it, but as often as you can. most of the time you'll end up having fun even if initally you didn't think you felt like doing it. don't worry, it'll come back to you.
I don't recommend that--I think we grew kind of distant from each other.
The last 18 months I've been more worried about it. But, I've been trying really hard lately, to be a good partner and to take care of myself and I think it's working. I've been taking fish oil caplets --omega 3 6 9 and I have to say, I feel pretty incredible. DH has been responsive. I might be pregnant right now! Who knows!
Hang in there, it can come back.