Libido after children: Did yours ever come back? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 12:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
*Amy*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Just north of The South
Posts: 2,625
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi mamas,
I am a SAHM to a 2 1/2 yo daughter, and very happily married for 4 years. DH and I enjoyed a very satisfying sexual relationship before DD was born, but like many people, things really tapered off once I became pregnant.

I've continued to think that things will improve after certain milestones (6 months, when she sleeps through the night, etc.) but I had to admit to myself yesterday that my sex drive is still *very* low. Almost non-existent, actually. DH is totally the opposite and has a very strong sex drive, so I *know* he feels disappointed that we don't make love more often.

It's not that I don't find DH attractive - he is VERY attractive, in fact. It's just that I don't really have the desire to have intimacy, especially at night when I'm totally exhausted. We do try to have private time during the day (on the weekends) such as when DD is napping or in the morning if she's playing in her room, but still...it's just not the same as before I had a child.

I know everyone is different, but I'm just wondering - are any other mamas going through this? Is there anything that helped you to rekindle your desire for intimacy? I was joking with my best friend about this and said, "I almost want to tell DH, whenever you have sexual feelings, do something to help me around the house!"

I just don't know what to think at this point: Do we both abstain for a while and see if it helps me to not feel the constant pressure? Do I just go with the flow and "give in" even if I don't feel like it, for the sake of harmony and keeping DH happy? Do we try something completely different that I haven't thought of?

Help!

PS: I am still breastfeeding DD, but we're down to once or twice a day. I'm not sure if that is a factor.

Ever-evolving mama to my beautiful Brynn, and my little dimple-face Noah .
*Amy* is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 12:22 PM
 
aprons_and_acorns's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: by the beautiful blue hills of WI
Posts: 3,272
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Subbing because I'm in the same boat.

My Etsy Shop
Acorn Dolls~Wool Felt Crowns~Children's Craft Kits~Shooting Stars~Dancing Fairy Rings~Come On Over and Play!
aprons_and_acorns is offline  
#3 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 12:27 PM
 
kama'aina mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Watching Top Chef, eating Top Ramen
Posts: 19,143
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Yes... back with a vengence and making up for lost time.
kama'aina mama is offline  
#4 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 12:27 PM
 
My*Scorpio's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Troy, Michigan
Posts: 1,280
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry you're going through this. I am in a similar situation. I have a son who is almost the same age as your lo. Just in the past few weeks things have begun to improve for me. I honestly believe that breastfeeding plays a part in it (for me anyways). And my ds is only nursing about 3 times in a 24 hour period - also nightweaned.

I really don't think abstaining is the way to go. Can you imagine if the situation was reversed?

One thing that helps me is to have my ds out of the house. I don't like to think about him waking up and crying/pounding on the door. I have taken him to my parents, and dh and I go back home for our "date".

If you are staying up late with dh, maybe he could let you sleep in the next day.

Expecting a boy? Be sure to check out MDC's Case Against Circumcision!
My*Scorpio is offline  
#5 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 12:39 PM
 
storychick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 678
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've had slow periods after each child, but with the return of my fertility came my libido. What's helped me, after each one has been:
1. Make sure I'm getting enough "me" time, without LOs and housework -- and also making a point to spend time with DH, even if its just putting down our computers for 20 minutes after the LOs are in bed to just talk
2. Sleep
3. Getting back in the saddle, so to speak -- sometimes he'd start and I'd think "oh man, I'd really rather xyz" but once we got into it I'd remember how nice it is. Making a point to, uh, rev my own engine once in awhile also helped remind me that I am a sexual being. Even just making a point to get non-sexual touch going again, as a reminder we are partners as well as parents, helped.
4. Getting my PPD dealt with, by being sure I was eating well and getting some exercise and not wallowing in it.

Consider, too, physical causes -- have you had your thyroid checked? Sometimes that can go wacky after pregnancy.
storychick is offline  
#6 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 12:53 PM
 
Purple Sage's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 4,001
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Mine is directly related to my fertility. It comes on strong when I'm about to ovulate and then disappears afterwards. We don't want anymore children, so until dh gets his big V, it's not such a good thing.
Purple Sage is offline  
#7 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:07 PM
 
JustVanessa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: On the river bank....
Posts: 6,616
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Amy* View Post
PS: I am still breastfeeding DH, but we're down to once or twice a day. I'm not sure if that is a factor.
Sorry, but this cracked me up. I don't want to have sex with someone I am breastfeeding either. J/K


My libido returned full force and then some when I stopped bfing. Until then, it was non existent.

Vanessa belly.gif, wife to Kev , mama to Byron (5) wild.gif and Billie (2) and  due in June
JustVanessa is offline  
#8 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:18 PM
 
sbgrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 9,143
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My libido didn't return until I was fully weaned. Even then I don't think it was immediate. But lactation even a bit was a heavy downer for me--I think it was hormonal rather than anything emotional or fatigue wise. But I do think making a deal with hubby to do more around the house so you feel better rested/less overwhelmed and so more into the mood is a perfectly reasonable and not unusual thing.

Rachelle, mommy to 8 year old boys! 

My Blog-free homeschooling finds and my lesson plans and link to the new User Agreement

sbgrace is offline  
#9 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:18 PM
 
bobandjess99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Northern IN
Posts: 5,835
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Clearly you meant dc (ds or dd, I'm not sure if brynn is a boy or girls name) and not dh...RIGHT?

Honestly..NO.

It's never come back the way it was.
At best, it's back to maybe 25% of what it was..and what it was was maybe 50% of what dh's was...so it's really VERY much less than dh at this point....

CPST
bobandjess99 is offline  
#10 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:26 PM
 
LeftField's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Land of well-adjusted weird people
Posts: 2,490
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Honestly, my libido came back when my son weaned (at 3). But in the times before that, reading erotica before intimacy helped me a lot. I think my hormones were low, I was exhausted and my mind wasn't naturally there. Now that my youngest is 4 and the kids are no longer so needy, my libido has really come back. And I'm in my mid 30s and I swear the mid-30s libido surge really isn't an old wive's tale.
LeftField is offline  
#11 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
*Amy*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Just north of The South
Posts: 2,625
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobandjess99 View Post
Clearly you meant dc (ds or dd, I'm not sure if brynn is a boy or girls name) and not dh...RIGHT?
- Yes, I definitely meant DD!! That's funny.

Well I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Maybe things will change after DD weans. I think it also doesn't help that DH and I rarely get alone time. We don't have any family in this area, so there isn't really anyone to drop her off with. We have an occasional babysitter, but it's not something we have been doing on a regular basis.

Health-wise, I have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia...so I'm sure that that isn't really *helping* in this area. A lot of times, I am just too tired to give anymore - and that's what sex feels like: Just giving more of my body to another needy family member! I think if I were actually getting something out of it, I would feel differently....the problem is, I don't feel like taking the time or investing the energy to try to make sure that I get the payoff too. I'm just totally apathetic about it.

Ever-evolving mama to my beautiful Brynn, and my little dimple-face Noah .
*Amy* is offline  
#12 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:36 PM
 
MotheringHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: LactationNation
Posts: 1,153
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My baby is just now 13 mths. DP and I are finally getting back into the swing of things. I have four kids and the oldest is six.

I try and take time out to do things that I enjoy. I try and think about intimacy in a positive way (as an escape during the day). I try and get turned on (literary erotica is a nice way for me) and I try and think about relations as a way to be really close with DP.

It isn't easy. And it isn't always fun. In the past year has often felt like a chore or something that I do for DP and NOT for me. But, I've tried to reframe the equation and look at in a different way.

I think it does come back, but it doesn't come back all by itself. You have to be willing/able/desirious of doing some work and you have to be able to be patient with yourself.

SAHM to four beautiful babes :
MotheringHeart is offline  
#13 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:39 PM
 
dillonandmarasmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: here, but dreaming of there...
Posts: 3,350
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just a thought...have you ever tried just giving massages? DH will rub my back, head, hands, arms for a while. That is generally enough to bring me back from mama to woman again. It certainly doesn't alwasy wotk, though. Sometimes I am just touched out!

Darcy mama to Dillon, Marah and Leo, partner to Jeremy
dillonandmarasmom is offline  
#14 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:41 PM
 
LizaBear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,047
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My libido was gone after each child until my cycles had returned.

Canadian mom to Boo (Aug '02), Bug (Aug '04) and Bear (Dec '06).
Jesse (July '09)
LizaBear is offline  
#15 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:42 PM
 
~Boudicca~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: New England
Posts: 3,557
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm still waiting.
~Boudicca~ is offline  
#16 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 01:49 PM
 
Mavournin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 3,494
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mine always seems to come back with weaning. With baby #2 it took several months post weaning. Then I got pg again (I never have any libido while pg) and now that baby #3 is just over a year and nursing less it is back just a little. Right now it seems to flow with my fertility, but I expect it will be back full force when he weans completely.
Mavournin is offline  
#17 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 02:27 PM
 
DeepLakeSwimmer's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: The Beautiful Pacific Northwest
Posts: 197
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We weaned at 2.5 years and I'd say my libido came back (definitely in relation to ovulation) around 3 years. By three years and two months, I was pregnant again!
DeepLakeSwimmer is offline  
#18 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 02:27 PM
 
VeganC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 690
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My daughter is nearly 7 months and my libido is pretty much nonexistent. I think we've had sex about 3 times in the past 9-10 months. I'm just exhausted and touched-out, I think.

Casey - Mama to Zola (10-20-07) and Felix (4-30-09)
VeganC is offline  
#19 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 02:36 PM
 
Best Feeling's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,468
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mine was higher (MUCH higher) during pregnancy. Lower during breastfeeding and returned to normal after my youngest weaned.

So, yes, my libido returned. My DH's libido, however, has lessened. Very frustrating
Best Feeling is offline  
#20 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 02:38 PM
 
Dmitrizmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 4,976
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mine came back, very slowly, but it did come back.

Like others, I find reading erotica helps. I've also found that taking care of my own needs helps. I've invested in some items for myself. Dh and I are exploring areas that we never did before and I'm enjoying that aspect of our life more than I did before.

My family: me jog.gif, dh geek.gif, ds reading.gif (11), dd1 hearts.gif (9), and dd2 energy.gif(3).

Tout va s'arranger à la fin. Si elle ne fonctionne pas; ce n'est pas la fin.

Dmitrizmom is offline  
#21 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 02:40 PM
 
the_lissa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 11,838
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think my libido went up after kids. Finding time is another problem though.

Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.

the_lissa is offline  
#22 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 03:44 PM
 
starshine1001's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Foggy, smoggy Fresno
Posts: 1,892
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, my libido has never really been the problem...it's the time factor, and the fact that we share our bed with our DS's. DS #2 is 3.5 mos old...still BF'ing, of course. I do find that BF'ing messes up the "natural lube" factor, but that's about it. Anyway, once a week we have a "naked movie night". We get the boys down and wait awhile to make sure they are REALLY asleep. Then we pick out a movie (normally something mildly scary or a romantic comedy), strip down to the buff, and cuddle up on the sofa in a down comforter. I can only think of one occasion that THAT did not lead to a little action!! And the main thing that worked for me is the TONS of snuggling during the movie...helps you get into the lovin' frame of mind!!

Jess ~ RN & student CNM, Blogger (see profile), wifey to T-Rav & momma to sons Buggy ~7/04 & Newt ~1/08 & Tad 6/19/09 & Con-man 1/11!  <3
starshine1001 is offline  
#23 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 03:54 PM
 
ani'smommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: co-housing
Posts: 3,190
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had a high libido before and after DD, but now, after DS, it's pretty much non-existant. I feel bad for DH, but sometimes I just can't get into it, even if I give it a try. DS is 8 months now. . .
ani'smommy is offline  
#24 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 04:02 PM
 
N8'sMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: On the golf course
Posts: 1,556
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Mine came back ridiculously quick and so did my body.
That's why I got knocked up soon after my son was born and now
we're waiting for the little girl to get here in about three weeks.

I need a break from being pregnant, so after the little girl gets here,
we're going to be sure to be very careful!!!

BTW, I have NOOOOOOOOOOO sex drive while I'm pregnant.
He can just go have a private moment in the shower or something.
N8'sMom is offline  
#25 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 05:12 PM
 
becoming's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 11,592
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Are you on hormonal birth control? Kills my sex drive every time.
becoming is offline  
#26 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 05:17 PM
 
mistymama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,824
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My sex drive was extremely low the entire time I was breastfeeding. Mine came back (with a vengence!) once my son weaned.

Candacepeace.gif, Married to dh   guitar.gif, Mom to ds (8) biggrinbounce.gif , Gavin candle.gif (9/30/10 - 12/19/10) and cautiously expecting our rainbow1284.gif 4-29-12

mistymama is offline  
#27 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 06:12 PM
 
turtlewomyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 3,251
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, my DD is two months older than your child and we just started boinking like bunnies this past month (is that a UA violation??). There is hope on the horizon!
Of course, we also just started TTC #2, which tends to make me in the mood.
I think the important thing is that even when we were not in the mood, or even unable to find time (many times I am in the mood about mid day, when I am at work, and it completely dissapates by 10pm when DD is asleep and the household chores have been done) we still kissed and cuddled and showed affection to one another. I think that helps keep you close.
turtlewomyn is offline  
#28 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 06:17 PM
 
MysteryMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: California
Posts: 3,040
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
after ds1 mine was pretty much non-existant for about 6-9 months, but i think it had something to do with the depo provera shot that i took after he was born. then i got divorced and it came back with a vengence (nothing like divorce to boost the ole libido). after ds2, it came right back right away... i was dtd before my 6wk checkup. which may explain why ds2 and dd are only 13 months apart, lol. after dd it came right back too, but maybe not quite as full force as it did after ds2, but still pretty good. i think it's getting better all the time.

my best advice for you is just do it anyways, even if you don't feel like it. maybe not every time your dh wants it, but as often as you can. most of the time you'll end up having fun even if initally you didn't think you felt like doing it. don't worry, it'll come back to you.
MysteryMama is offline  
#29 of 43 Old 05-13-2008, 11:34 PM
 
madskye's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 2,183
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My DD just turned 3 and I've had little to no interest since she was born. The first 18 months, I thought "Oh well, we just need a little break. It will be exciting when we get back at it!" Like a new boyfriend or something!

I don't recommend that--I think we grew kind of distant from each other.

The last 18 months I've been more worried about it. But, I've been trying really hard lately, to be a good partner and to take care of myself and I think it's working. I've been taking fish oil caplets --omega 3 6 9 and I have to say, I feel pretty incredible. DH has been responsive. I might be pregnant right now! Who knows!

Hang in there, it can come back.
madskye is offline  
#30 of 43 Old 05-14-2008, 12:28 AM
 
M_of_M's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 661
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by *Amy* View Post
PS: I am still breastfeeding DD, but we're down to once or twice a day. I'm not sure if that is a factor.

To me BF was the major factor. Once I stopped, things got back to normal.
M_of_M is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off