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#1 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 12:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Background: My mom left my dad when I saw 15. She moved in with her now husband. Dad got a new wife within 6 months. I, at 15, supported myself in my own apartment. Dad's wife is a nut so I 've had limited contact with him because she's sure I'll 'take him from her'. Mom is kinda weird sometimes but we got along. We've seen each other about once a year...always me going to her. She's in Indiana, I'm in California. Of my ENTIRE family, my mom and my step dad are the only people I have invited to my wedding. The others are just too toxic.

With the wedding coming up in JUne, I've attempted to keep my mom in her mom role by sending pics of my dress shopping, plan making, etc. She came out in March and it was a mess. She scolded me like a child in front of DP, IL's...anyone. She freaked out crying on the way to visit MIL because she felt out of place. She felt out of place because she seems to have lost hearing somewhat but REFUSES to get a hearing aid. So, it leaves her feeling left out of the conversation and she just, in her words, goes off to a dream world and ignores everything around her. This happens in the middle of any conversation and it's very odd when it occurs because it's obvious that she turned off. She has big time abuse issues and tends to go into the victim role very easily. So, when slightly confronted she says 'well, I'm stupid so I don't have anything good to add' or 'I'm fat so they think I'm lazy...' Her visit out here I just gave up. I didn't confront her and the IL's were gracious enough to act like she was being normal. She also cried because she said that being in the same county that I was raised in 'made her feel like she was in that marriage again'.

There have been two things she offered to do and then, in my mind, gave up on. One was ribbons for some favor boxes. She ended up making them too whimsical and not matching. The only two concerns I had spoken of to her. So she does them, takes a pic of them and writes in the email "ya, I knew you wouldn't like them right when I made them." I say it's not a big deal and we go forward. She had also wanted to make my garter. I sent her a pic of the type I liked and thought that being in the many crafting circles she's in she would either be able to make it or able to get help from her friends. She wrote another e-mail saying that she can't do it and that she bought materials that were too home-made looking for the garter to ever look like the pictures. I let this go and just say I'll buy it from the bridal store. Now, the ribbons I fixed just by asking a lady at the craft store how to make them. Easy. The garter is now being made by DP's grand mom. It's made and ready and it took a day. The two are equally talented sewers so I don't know why it's easy for one and not the other.

Now the kicker...
The day before the wedding is DP's birthday. When Mom was out she said that she and SD were going to come with the wedding group to a baseball game. The game is a surprise for DP and is a very big deal. Tickets were purchased for Mom/SD. Now, almost two months later, Mom write me an email and says that she and ST are not going to the game. I'm furious. I mean, shit, I have two family members going to my wedding, DP has the other 78 people. Already I feel a little sad about that. Mom knows this...so why is she flaking...AGAIN!?! I mean, obviously, it's what she does and has done since I was 15. I guess I just figured that this one time she could pull through.

So, advice needed. Do I write her back and tell her how out of line she is? Do I write back and just say 'okay.' and then know she's never going to be there for me? Other ideas?

I'm so sad about this. It used to make me mad and now it's just amazingly depressing how much my parents couldn't care less. I feel so cheated.

Cindy, joyful SAH mama to rainbow1284.gif William & Katherinefly-by-nursing2.gif Forever missing Amelia 7-12-09 angel3.gif  signcirc1.gifsaynovax.giflactivist.gif Ask me about my natural cesarean! 

 

 

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#2 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 12:56 PM
 
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I would write back and say okay, then take my time feeling okay about it and just remembering that this is who she is and if you do anything other than that you are feeding her fire.

Her going wouldn't be much fun anyhow, by the sound of it.
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#3 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 12:57 PM
 
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My mom flakes all the time too. It would do no good for me to ever say anything to my mom. I just don't expect much out of her and I don't trust her. About a year ago I stopped thinking it would change and I have limited contact with her (she is out of sate right now and that also makes it easier). Although this behavior started when I was was much younger than 15 and I only lived with her for brief times in my childhood. My father is not apart of my life either. I know how much it hurts.


If you think discussing it with her will change anything and she'll get it then it's worth having the conversation. But if she'll just justify and play the victim then I'd just say yeah whatever and try to make peace with it. That's so hard to do and I too feel cheated.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#4 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 01:01 PM
 
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#5 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 01:08 PM
 
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Reading your story I can't help but think that having your mom there might just add stress to your very special day.

You are not going to change her - you can only change how you react to the situation. I would move on and accept that is who she is. Don' t let this ruin your wedding day. I am sure you will still be surrounded by people who love you and want to be there.


- Blessings to you and Happy Wedding Day
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#6 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 01:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Decluttering Nut View Post
Reading your story I can't help but think that having your mom there might just add stress to your very special day.

You are not going to change her - you can only change how you react to the situation. I would move on and accept that is who she is. Don' t let this ruin your wedding day. I am sure you will still be surrounded by people who love you and want to be there.


- Blessings to you and Happy Wedding Day
:
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#7 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 01:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for the words. I have no idea why I'm still waiting for her to be the mom I want to make her.

The hugs are really appreiciated.

Cindy, joyful SAH mama to rainbow1284.gif William & Katherinefly-by-nursing2.gif Forever missing Amelia 7-12-09 angel3.gif  signcirc1.gifsaynovax.giflactivist.gif Ask me about my natural cesarean! 

 

 

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#8 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 01:54 PM
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would it be more peaceful for you to simply uninvite her?
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#9 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 02:00 PM
 
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I'm so sorry that your mom isn't there for you the way you'd like her to be. But you can't change her, you just can't. And you know that. I'd suggest e-mailing back about the baseball game and saying 'okay.' Anything other response on your part would probably just cause drama and stress that you DON'T need.

more s

New signature, same old me: Ann- mama of 2 boys and 2 girls, partnered to a fabulous man.
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#10 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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That has to hurt so much.
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#11 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 03:55 PM
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i'm really sorry about this.

while our situation wasn't as extreme, my ILs kept asking us to change the date of our wedding because "the herb show is that weekend" and "i want to go camping with the youth group that weekend."

my husband finally said "if those things are more important to you than our wedding, then by all means, do those things."

of course, he was also very upset by their behavior and treatment of him/us, and he would have been very upset had they not come, but they didn't decide whether or not they would come until Thursday before the wedding, after asking us three more times that week if we could move it.

And he just kept saying "if doing those things is more important than our wedding, then do those things."
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#12 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 04:07 PM
 
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If the game is the day before the wedding it might be for the best. As poorly as she deals with stress and social situations skipping the game may dramatically increase the odds that she will handle the wedding well.

Bring lots of sunblock! Sunburn = uncomfortable wedding guests!
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#13 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 04:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WaitingForKiddos View Post
...
So, advice needed. Do I write her back and tell her how out of line she is? Do I write back and just say 'okay.' and then know she's never going to be there for me? Other ideas?

I'm so sad about this. It used to make me mad and now it's just amazingly depressing how much my parents couldn't care less. I feel so cheated.
I think you just have to accept her for what she is. And unfortunately that means that, yes, she is never going to be there for you in the sense that you want her there.

I think she probably does care, a great deal, about your wedding, and about you: if she didn't, she wouldn't have come out, she wouldn't have agreed to go to the game, she wouldn't have agreed to make the ribbons/garter in the first place, she wouldn't get worked up about it enough to scold you for something. But for whatever reason, she is unable to come through in the way you need and want. It's not a reflection on you or your partner, but it hurts anyway.
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#14 of 14 Old 05-14-2008, 04:10 PM
 
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Can you hire a mom-sitter for the wedding? Have a friend keep her happy so you can have your happy day. Congratulations on your Wedding!
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