Why Can't I Just Let It Go? Very Long and Whiney - Mothering Forums

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Old 06-15-2008, 04:18 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I want a wedding. A big giant affair with all my family and the few close friends I have (ok, so maybe it wouldn't be so giant lol). I know what cake I want. I know the dress. I know exactly what my dh will wear and how he will look at me as I walk up the aisle. I want my dad to walk me down the aisle. I want a wedding picture, a professional one, that I can hang on my wall or set on my desk. I want a reception with people toasting us. I want THE wedding. The wedding I have planned in my head since I knew what weddings were. I was a total tomboy growing up but the one girly thing I always planned on was a wedding. I remember seeing the cake I wanted when I was only 10 years old.

Anyways the problem is I've been married 5.5 yrs. We got married at the Justice of the Peace. I had on some random last minute dress that I found at the mall...just a regular sort of dress that you could wear anywhere, like the mall or to your regular sit down restaurant. My MIL, FIL, and SIL were all there although I had just met them a few days prior. My SIL was our "ring bearer." We waited in a big waiting room with a bunch of other random people getting married that day. They called us, the judge had us do our vows (and in all honesty he made it as nice as he could), we signed some papers and that was that. My MIL and FIL took us out to dinner.

It happened that way because we were both in the military. We had met at our training school and fell in love. Then he graduated and got orders to AZ. I graduated 4 weeks later and got orders to CA. We knew we wanted to get married but if we didn't right then that we wouldn't see each other for at least a year. We'd only known each other a few weeks and honestly I felt like if I had to do the long distance thing for a year it would never work. So we got married and my orders got changed so I could be in AZ with him and we've been here ever since.

Don't get me wrong. I love dh. I mean I absolutely 200% love him. I am still totally in love with him. Marrying him was the best darn thing I have ever done. He's my best friend. We laugh together and love to hang out. He's been without work for a month now and we've been together 24/7 and besides the fact that he has no job and therefore no income, it's actually really awesome to spend so much time together.

But I wanted my big wedding. My parents didn't even see me get married. I guess my parents were going to come as a surprise but 2 days prior to the "wedding" she found out she had bilateral breast cancer. She waited 2 weeks to tell me so she wouldn't ruin everything for me.

I had none of my family there. I'm so bummed that my dad didn't give me away and that I didn't get to see my brother in a tux. I love my brother and I never get to see him (seriously, it's been 2 yrs since I last saw him). I don't know. I'm babbling. Everytime I see a wedding on TV or in a movie I cry. I get so upset and so down and just so bummed. I actually went to my first wedding back in October...I'd never even been to one! It was my best friend's wedding and I actually turned down being a bride's maid because I knew it would be too hard. I was right. I was in the back of the church and I started to ball my eyes out because I was just so mad that she got the perfect wedding.

I know it was my choice. It's not like anyone took it away from me. But I just can't let it go. And I don't know how to let it go. Sometimes I fantasize about throwing a big vow renewal and I'll wear my white dress and my dad will walk me down the aisle and all that stuff but I know in my heart it will not be what I want it to be.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'll stop babbling. I just can't keep talking about to dh. He feels so sorry that I didn't get what I wanted and he is always trying to buy me everything I want just to make me feel better...I think that might even be why he does all the housework. He just wants me to be happy but I can't let it go. I'm fine until I do something stupid like watch 27 Dresses tonight.

Rachel, mom to Jake (5/04) and Alexia (7/07) a surprise UC thanks to hypnobabies!
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Old 06-15-2008, 04:36 AM
 
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I didn't have a wedding either but now 12 years later I kinda want one.
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Old 06-15-2008, 04:40 AM
 
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What about an anniversary ceremony with a renewal of vows? Set it up like you would a wedding. What's stopping you from doing what you want?
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Old 06-15-2008, 04:50 AM
 
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Do it anyways. Why not?
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Old 06-15-2008, 07:32 AM
 
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My cousin had a very elegant big wedding, but it didn't end up being what she had wished for. The ceremony was really long and awkward. The pastor said a bunch of things that made it seem like he didn't know either the bride and groom, when he did. My cousin allowed family members to bully her out of some decisions that she wanted to make.

Anyhow her husband and her have always planned to have another ceremony to make up for the first. They want to do it on their anniversary. I think renewing vows is romantic.

Why couldn't you have a wedding? You can do what ever you want.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:08 AM
 
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I agree that you should renew your vows for your anniversary. Have the ceremony of your dreams.

''''

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Old 06-15-2008, 08:21 AM
 
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You absolutely should read "The wedding" by Nicholas Sparks.

http://www.amazon.com/Wedding-Nichol.../dp/0446693332

It's never too late to have your wedding.
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:25 AM
 
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I agree that you should renew your vows for your anniversary. Have the ceremony of your dreams.
Absolutely.
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:39 AM
 
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Another vote for vow renewal. I didn't get to have a big fancy wedding, either. Very similar story to yours - DH and I were both in the military at the time. He was deploying and was scared that I wouldn't wait around for him. I knew from the moment I opened my door when he came to pick me up for our first date that he was the one I was meant to be with, so I figured what the heck. The only people there were his sister and nephew....heck, we didn't even tell the rest of his family until a week after the fact. I was wearing jeans and a sweater.

Anyway, we're planning on doing a renewal for our tenth anniversary possibly. That's nearly 5 years away, but heck, gives me plenty of time to plan stuff, right?
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:43 AM
 
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My perfect wedding was a justice of the peace in a VFW hall with 30 people, a giant sub sandwich and no booze. Our witness didn't show up so we grabbed someone else. A lot of people would be hideously disappointed if that were their wedding day but it really was a perfect day for us.

I think of it this way- dh and I were married in our hearts before we said vows in front of anyone or signed a document. We could have many ceremonies and it wouldn't change that.

So, with that pov I feel you should have your wedding. You signed a paper so you could stay together because of the military. You can't change that moment. It was necessary at the time and it was a good thing. That is part of your history and romance. Now you have time to do something different with all your family and friends. It won't be quite the same as your dream but no one's wedding is exactly perfect. It can still be a great celebration of your love and bring your family together.

Just do it asap and stop dwelling on a past you can't change.

Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

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Old 06-15-2008, 08:46 AM
 
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There's no reason you can't have a renewal of vows on your anniversary and have the wedding you want. You are in mourning about something you have dreamed of for your whole life.

I will say though that all of the weddings I have been to (I do wedding cakes and have also had several family weddings lately) that are what you describe have been really unpleasant. The brides are always completely stressed out and emotional wrecks having over managed the entire thing. They are so worried about everything being "perfect" that they can't enjoy their weddings.
This has ranged from just general irritation from everyone down to the bride who showed up an hour late, glared at everyone while going down the aisle because we weren't all perfectly as envisioned. She then started swearing at anyone who wasn't towing the line.

It sounds like there is a lot of emotion at stake in getting yours just as you envision so I'd say if you go for it, go into it with an open mind, relax and have fun with it and take what comes.
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Old 06-15-2008, 08:48 AM
 
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I think that weddings can be over the top. On that note- IF YOU WANT IT- DO IT!! Make it special, make it EVERYTING you want, and make it far enough in the future that you CAN do the things that you DO want- like the dress, cake, decorations, tux for brother, you name it! WHo ever said you ONLY get ONE wedding (even to the same man???)

Go for IT- what's stopping you? Not enough money, then start PLANNING now- and by the time you have all the details and have saved enough money you will be ready! No BRIDEZILLA lol

My vote is have your wedding the way YOU want. (not that this is a poll or anything)

Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

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Old 06-15-2008, 09:04 AM
 
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There can be so much emotion involved in weddings.

If I were you, and it was that important to me, I'd go ahead and make plans for a lovely vow renewal that will be the wedding you wished you had been able to have.

Did you see the 7th Heaven episode where the mom and dad got married and she got to wear a wedding dress and it was in a church?

It sounds like part of what you really missed was having your family and friends there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWxI0icqQvg

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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Old 06-15-2008, 09:08 AM
 
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Is there a reason that you can't just have a wedding? You don't have to renew, just have your wedding. Pretend it's the first time
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Old 06-15-2008, 11:42 AM
 
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ITA with the other posters - there is no reason that you can't still have the wedding that you want! Start planning, girl!

On a slightly similar note, my first marriage was a JOP ceremony, no one there but us. When I married dh we went all out. We had a church wedding with me in a white dress, reception, etc. It was great.

A happy woman
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Old 06-15-2008, 12:17 PM
 
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First of all, how lucky for you to have found someone you are that happy with! I'd take a wonderful marriage over a wonderful wedding any day!

I love weddings. Everything about them. I think the wedding you plan now can be even better than your original dream wedding because this time you can include your kids! How fun! Do it! Do everything you want! THE dress. THE cake. THE walk down the aisle. Plan it far enough out that you don't stress over it but really have fun with the planning and the actual event.

(and then post pics so we can see! )

Lynn, single lesbian mama to All Mighty Iris 12/10/07
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Old 06-15-2008, 01:07 PM
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Awww, mama, have a full blown vow-renewal ceremony, complete with the church and the dress and the ring bearer :
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Old 06-15-2008, 01:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You're all right. I know you are. I guess I just worry that our family won't really see what a big deal it is and won't come. I mean I know my parents and brother and grandma would come (that's my entire side of the family). I'm sure my 2 best friends would come. But I think that dh's side of the family wouldn't "get it" and wouldn't make it and then I'd be disappointed.

Then of course I start thinking about things and it just seems silly to walk down the aisle in a big white poofy dress when obviously I should no longer be wearing white LOL. Then I start thinking of the expense and all the other things that can and should be bought instead of a wedding. Ah, I'm sure you all know how that train of thought goes.

You wouldn't think it was strange for someone to have a big shindig a bunch of years after the fact? Now you all have me thinking... Maybe I should go pull out all my old bridal magazines...they're like 6 years old lol probably filled with dresses with giant bows and poofy sleeves.

Rachel, mom to Jake (5/04) and Alexia (7/07) a surprise UC thanks to hypnobabies!
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Old 06-15-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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I think if its done as an anniversary vow renewal they are actually fairly common and not seen as strange. The only thing I think you might have to give up is the registry...people should give gifts if they come but they will be smaller gifts as obviously you aren't starting a household together. Other than that, I can't think of a single wedding tradition you can't go ahead and do 5 or 7 or 10 years later especially if you never really had a first wedding. Its so nice that now your kids can be involved. And no one worries about the "white" thing anymore, wear whatever you want.

As far as expense, do it on a reasonable budget, it sounds like the things that are important to you don't require going over the top with price but more just having your family there and getting to do the ritual aspect.

Before you do it though I would try and sort through all the reasons this is SO important, just because there might be other issues hiding "under" this one, and you don't want to go through all the planning and doing it and find it was really the "underneath" issues that were the important ones.

As far as DH's family its up to him to let them know that this is really important and he wants them there.

Good luck! I hope you do it...if you don't want to wait til your 10th I'm thinking 7 years is a good time to celebrate, and it will give you just the right amount of planning time
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Old 06-15-2008, 03:35 PM
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If it bothers you so much and it would give you peace, Do it.
None of my family were able to come to mine either, MIL made me a dress, pretty but not what I had imagined, SIL was the made of honor and was a total B all day. We did it in Tahoe and then went to Cesar's palace for drinks and dinner. A bit let down all in all, but I don't really care anymore. None of the people who came to it are in our lives anymore. We've been married 22 years and it matters what you do after the wedding not how you got married to me.
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Old 06-15-2008, 03:38 PM
 
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Do it, I think you will find that it will make you happy! Your dream is so specific, you need to make it happen! You want to celebrate your love in front of everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that. Pick a date, and go for it!
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Old 06-15-2008, 04:17 PM
 
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If it's on your mind, do it! If you think your family won't get it, can you send a group e-mail to them saying something like, "Our anniversary is coming up, and I've never felt right because I didn't get to celebrate my marriage with all of you. We think this is a perfect time to share our happiness with all of you while we re-new our vows."

About the white dress...I wouldn't worry about that, or most people getting married wouldn't wear white anyway. Do what you want on your special day.
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Old 06-15-2008, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by avivaelona View Post
I think if its done as an anniversary vow renewal they are actually fairly common and not seen as strange. The only thing I think you might have to give up is the registry...people should give gifts if they come but they will be smaller gifts as obviously you aren't starting a household together. Other than that, I can't think of a single wedding tradition you can't go ahead and do 5 or 7 or 10 years later especially if you never really had a first wedding. Its so nice that now your kids can be involved. And no one worries about the "white" thing anymore, wear whatever you want.

As far as expense, do it on a reasonable budget, it sounds like the things that are important to you don't require going over the top with price but more just having your family there and getting to do the ritual aspect.

Before you do it though I would try and sort through all the reasons this is SO important, just because there might be other issues hiding "under" this one, and you don't want to go through all the planning and doing it and find it was really the "underneath" issues that were the important ones.

As far as DH's family its up to him to let them know that this is really important and he wants them there.

Good luck! I hope you do it...if you don't want to wait til your 10th I'm thinking 7 years is a good time to celebrate, and it will give you just the right amount of planning time
Yeah I don't care at all about gifts. In fact I am totally done with registries. After we got married my dh's family insisted we just HAD to register somewhere so they could send us stuff. Great! We hadn't expected gifts since it was so fast and all. We went and spent hours registering. We received NOTHING. Nothing off the registry, no cards, no nothing. What a let down. Same thing happened when I was pregnant with my ds. Again, they insisted and although we did get a few small things nothing was from our registry. Same thing with dd. I don't even know why I fell for it with her lol.

I think I want this because I just want some sort of celebration of our life. I didn't get to have a bridal shower. No real wedding. I've had 2 children and yet I've never had a baby shower...it has nothing to do with the gifts and everything to do with just celebrating an exciting time in my life, kwim?

The problem has always been that we're here in AZ, my parents are in IN, my brother in NY, dh's parents in NC, and his huge extended family is in TX. We're all alone out here and it's a lot to ask everyone to travel, kwim? Esp all his family in TX, they all have kids and such, it would be a huge expense for them.

As far as cost. You're right. I could do it pretty cheap. My mom has the most beautiful huge backyard filled with flowers you have ever seen. People come by just to see it. It'd be cool to have the ceremony there. And I don't really care about a huge reception but I do want everyone together. And of course a polish buffet : Yum, can't beat the polish food!

Rachel, mom to Jake (5/04) and Alexia (7/07) a surprise UC thanks to hypnobabies!
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Old 06-16-2008, 12:48 AM
 
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What about an anniversary ceremony with a renewal of vows? Set it up like you would a wedding. What's stopping you from doing what you want?
: We did a JOP, kept it quiet to start dh's immigration paperwork and were planning a small ceremony but cancelled it because most of my family said they wouldn't come. :

Every once in a while I see those wedding shows and there's someone who's wedding is what I would have done, and I get weepy. I want to do a ceremony for our 10th.
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Old 06-16-2008, 01:46 AM
 
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When my dh and I decided to get married we came up with a date within 6 weeks of the conversation. At first we were going to do it really low key. Jp, family no friends dinner afterwards etc. But the bride ( in me ) started to niggle and nag so we planned a lovely wedding in our home. We had about 50 people, had it catered, decorated our home, tables, chairs and flowers ( my dining room and living room looked like a lovely french bistro with white table cloths - the works! ) We had the champagne, cake, dancing . . . I'm so happy we did it even on a small scale.

The ritual of the marriage is important and part of that ritual is celebrating your vows with friends and family.

Have the renewal in your mothers' back yard !
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