in defense of an adult only wedding...... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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a friend of mine is getting married, but has already hit a snag and is being flamed by a few future cousin in-laws of hers.

She is planning to make it an adult only reception.

Here's why-

It is from 7:00 pm to midnight (like mine was)

Where they are having it has $85-$100 a person plates, and kids cost $60, and no there is not an option of just having them eat off their parents plates

Some people are threatening not to come and have griped to her MIL that they won't be sending a gift, since the bride feels their kids aren't welcome and don't appreciate the cost of a babysitter they don't feel obligated to send a gift (not that the bride is aiming for that anyway).

When I got married we did allow kids, but each set of cousins had 2-4 kids, 3 being the most common. It cost us an extra $180 or $240 per couple that attended, all in all the kids tacked on an extra $3,000. One couple didn't show up because one of their children got sick at the last minute, and we paid $500 for their meals as a family for them not to show.

I loved having the kids there, they were a lot of fun, but the families are all fairly strict on good behaviour, still if I could go back I think I would scale it down for the money.

When people gave a gift of like $150 or a blender or whatever, we had spent at least twice that for them to be there.

She feels terrible now, I've told her if they choose not to come, they choose not to come but don't feel bad that you are being 'insensitive to children', it's a shame if they can't come because they have kids but don't change your wedding plans for it.

I told her if she wants to compromise then rent a suite at the hotel around the corner, hire a couple of nannies (trustworthy ones) and get movies and pizza for the kids since she appreciates people flying in may not be able to get a babysitter.

Am I wrong here? The couples I'm thinking of are very family oriented and focused and like to have their kids involved in everything, which I appreciate, but I don't think it's fair of them to expect evereyone else to accommodate that when it costs that kind of money. I also think it is spiteful not to send a gift because of it, sure send a smaller gift than if you were going, but still send your good wishes, a card at least, not flaming emails to the future MIL......
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#2 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:32 PM
 
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Hey, no arguement from me! I think adult-only weddings are perfectly acceptable in many situations. Just like if I were to have a cocktail party (although I do certainly NOT travel in that sort of circle) I wouldn't want kids there either.
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#3 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:35 PM
 
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I did not have children at my wedding (with the exception of babes in arms) .. it was too expensive... nobody complained .. but I wouldn't have cared if they had .. my wedding, my rules .. they can choose to not come if they don't like
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#4 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:39 PM
 
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Childfree weddings get no argument from me either. Some events are appropriate for children, and some are not, weddings included.

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#5 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:39 PM
 
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In my very humble opionion, it is ridiculous to toss a fit if your children aren't invited somewhere. Go, don't go, but decline politely and be done with it. I can't go to a lot of things because my kids aren't welcome, that's ok. It's also my choice not to leave my little ones so if I choose to be offended that's on me.
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#6 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:40 PM
 
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I think it's completely reasonable, and if it helps her stay in her budget she should do it the way she wants to.

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#7 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:44 PM
 
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I have no issue with child-free weddings, it's the bride's choice. BUT what I have an issue is people who want a child-free wedding and then pout/pitch a fit/gripe/complain etc when parents won't go.

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#8 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:48 PM
 
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I told her if she wants to compromise then rent a suite at the hotel around the corner, hire a couple of nannies (trustworthy ones) and get movies and pizza for the kids since she appreciates people flying in may not be able to get a babysitter.
I did something similar to that, not really on purpose, but my ex-BIL had a new baby, so he said he would come just to watch other kids. My MIL had rented a suite in the hotel, so he went up there and provided childcare on an impromptu basis. People thanked me and wanted to know if they should tip him. ROFL.

My wedding reception was buffet style, $60 a plate, with $7 kid's meals. So for all the children under 13 or so, I ordered kids' plates. There was so much food there on the buffet, the kids just ended up eating that. Since I had paid for people who didn't show, I said that was fine, and I had all the kid's meals sent up to the suite. I had ordered cheaper plates for the photographer's and DJs too, but the photographers ate from the buffet too. I think the DJ just ate the food he was given. In retrospect, the separate kid's plate/vendor plate was maybe a little weird given all these big food stations around the room that were just loaded with food. Thankfully the hotel didn't give me any problems about it.

I honestly didn't know what to expect when I sent out the RSVPs and when I was getting responses with people saying 3 or 4 people in their family would be attending, I was a little freaked out because of the cost. It stressed me out for awhile, because there were a number of people who wanted a child-free reception, and a number who didn't. I'm glad I had the kids there, no doubt about it, but I can see to avoid stress it's just easier to go one way or another.
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#9 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:54 PM
 
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I wish I would be invited to one of these. At my family functions my husband and I usually watch all the kids because when they other parents see us playing with ours and theirs they take off never to be seen from again. Id like to go to a family event and not be free babysitting.

lol, but I guess thats a little beside the point. I think childfree weddings are fine, but yes, dont freak out of families with children cant go. Which doesnt seem like the case here.
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#10 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mama_ani View Post
I have no issue with child-free weddings, it's the bride's choice. BUT what I have an issue is people who want a child-free wedding and then pout/pitch a fit/gripe/complain etc when parents won't go.
:

They want a child-free wedding. Some people with children are unable to attend. It's about the bride and the groom, not the distant cousins.

I think these cousins need to "grow up" and politely decline the invitation.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 13(homeschooled)
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#11 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 10:58 PM
 
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Thats alot more money just for children. I agree it's not bad to not invite children. My sister's wedding she had a room at the location and she had two nannies come and she paid them. It was easy b/c we both were nannies so it was easy to find someone. HAHA! The kids stayed in the room and even got goody bags.

I find it a little funny in this thread that it's "the bride and groom's wedding" and in the other thread about the DW it was mentioned that the family is important to be there. So confusing. To me it's always the bride and groom's wedding and noone elses. If you can't make it just say it politely and don't make a fuss. It's not your wedding. Sorry for the rant!

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#12 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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I wish I would be invited to one of these. At my family functions my husband and I usually watch all the kids because when they other parents see us playing with ours and theirs they take off never to be seen from again. Id like to go to a family event and not be free babysitting.
LOL, I was just thinking I would LOVE to be invited to a child-free wedding right about now.
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#13 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:03 PM
 
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I can't believe people would actually say they aren't giving a gift because they don't want to get a babysitter for a night time wedding!

If people want to be that petty then I say she is probably better off not having them there anyways.

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#14 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:09 PM
 
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Childfree weddings get no argument from me either. Some events are appropriate for children, and some are not, weddings included.
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#15 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:09 PM
 
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Kitty, if you ever get married again, will you invite me to your wedding? I could really use a night out.
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#16 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:12 PM
 
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Kitty, if you ever get married again, will you invite me to your wedding? I could really use a night out.
Absolutely. Although I don't plan on getting married again. A handfasting for sure, but no more weddings. I don't seem to have a good track record with them. But for you I will make sure that at least most of my future handfasting ceremonies are adult only.

ETA... since I'm like still married it could be awhile though... does our night out really need to involve other people at all???

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#17 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:21 PM
 
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They want a child-free wedding. Some people with children are unable to attend. It's about the bride and the groom, not the distant cousins.

I think these cousins need to "grow up" and politely decline the invitation.
Yeah that, again, Ruthla has the words of wisdom. (Ruth, I am not stalking you saying "Yeah that" to everything you say, honest! It does seem like I do, though!) If you can not come b/c you can not leave your kids, can not afford a sitter, or do not want to leave your kids, and the kids are not invited, politely decline. It is about the bride and groom and their wishes. It is their day. They can choose to celebrate it how they wish. Send whatever kind of present or none at all if you wish. That is the envitee's choice. There is no need to be passive aggressive about it.

We are STILL dealing with hurt feelings over our wedding. It was NOT child free, but we did not invite cousins that haven't been seen in years. We did not invite the cousins b/c they were all married with several kids each. We simply could not afford to invite that many people and we did not want to exclude children. We could not have chosen a cheaper menu, we already had buffet style at $7.95 a plate. Yes, inviting 20 more people was too much money.
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#18 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:21 PM
 
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I have no problem with weddings that allow a sleeping newborn in a sling and have accommodations on site for other children of traveling guests on site. Usually for the kind of wedding where plates are costing hundreds of dollars per plate, arranging something like that is a drop in the bucket, budget wise.

I don't think it's reasonable to invite out of town guests to a wedding and not have accommodations for their children. How on earth else would we get a sitter in an unfamiliar town that's hours or days away? It sends the message that the bride and groom don't really want us there, and are just sending the invitation out of obligation.

My own wedding was very fancy and in the evening, but I still invited children, because they're important to me and worth the expense, and so are their parents. They were mostly children of relatives who traveled several hours to be there, and I'm sure they wouldn't have been able to attend otherwise. I loved putting together special favors to keep the kids busy, and they all loved being there!
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#19 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:21 PM
 
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When we got married, DH had at the time 10 nieces and nephews. 4 were from out of town and under school age. It was a long day and their older cousins were in the wedding (jr bridesmaids). I had known all of them their entire lives since DH and I dated a long time and I thought nothing of including them.
BUT, they went to the mass/wedding at noon and were fine. In the in between time, they stayed at my ILs until about 4pm when everyone could check into the hotel (almost everyone was staying that night- we all like to party incl my side as well) I think a few took in the pool before the reception, a few took a nap.
We did family pictures for DH's side before the reception started and the kids had dinner with all of us. We picked this hotel for the reception one for the hotel and two, they had a menu for the kiddies. It was $20 a head as opposed to the $80 a head for adults. The kids received a huge plate of chicken nuggets and fries. I think the Dads ate them personally! One kid traded w a groomsman since he didnt eat the steak- it went on and on.

Around 7:30 or so, two nieces of a BIL arrived with their dad to babysit. My ILs had a larger suite and got everyone settled upstairs and the Dad left when the sitters were comfortable. He picked them up around 11pm. The kids had games, ran around, jumped on the bed, had a pillow fight etc or came up and down to see the adult party. My ILs paid the sitters or one of my SILs did.

I did this only for our own siblings, not for cousins etc. When my sister got married, I brought my sitter and she kept Liz (age 2 at the time) and her cousins busy (SIL also brought a sitter) during the cermony and again at the hotel. It worked out well.

But this again is for my sister. If we are invited to a wedding, the last people we would want with us is our kids. If its an aunt or uncle, thats one thing, but extended family should not have to pay for my kids. Besides, I would love a night of dining and dancing alone w my husband.

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#20 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:30 PM
 
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My own wedding was very fancy and in the evening, but I still invited children, because they're important to me and worth the expense, and so are their parents. They were mostly children of relatives who traveled several hours to be there, and I'm sure they wouldn't have been able to attend otherwise. I loved putting together special favors to keep the kids busy, and they all loved being there!
We also had gift bags full of goodys for the out of town kids. It was full of snackies, trinkets etc. They also loved getting a gift for our wedding.

Weird thing 4 years later, BIL got engaged to my parents' best friends daughter. The brides family made it clear there should not be any children under the age of 13 at the wedding. Literally one niece was 13 and her cousin the grooms nephew wasnt 13 for 2 more months and didnt get invited. It was going to be a nightmare until one sibling pointed out that if they had that rule when they got married, their brother the groom would not be invited to their wedding (he was the baby of 9 kids and his siblings started getting married when he was 3). Also my brother who knows the brides family said- watch their grandchildren will be there! So after all that the kids were included. Not to worry, their wedding was the Saturday after Sept 11th so half the guest could not come anyhow incl two bridesmaids.

They divorced 5 years later as I told my DH they would before the wedding.


I remember thinking, its their wedding but it didnt sound like they cared if the kids were there or not, but the MOB wanted it that way. The bride could never figure out why the kids were not crazy for her but then again she never gave them much thought either. I think after going to wedding after wedding, the kids thought they should be included.

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#21 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:35 PM
 
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I'm a teacher and I love kids.

I also know that for the majority of them, a wedding and reception of being dressed up, on good behavior, and doing adult activities is exhausting for them. Not their idea of a blast. Also $60 for a plate of food the kids probably won't eat is truly out outrageous.

I think adult weddings are fine, if not preferable.
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#22 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:50 PM
 
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LOL, I was just thinking I would LOVE to be invited to a child-free wedding right about now.

Ha ha, DH and I went to one a week or so ago and it was our first 'date' in years! We had so much fun.

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#23 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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[QUOTE=dolcedaze;11773673]I have no problem with weddings that allow a sleeping newborn in a sling and have accommodations on site for other children of traveling guests on site. Usually for the kind of wedding where plates are costing hundreds of dollars per plate, arranging something like that is a drop in the bucket, budget wise.

I wasn't crazy about spending that much money, DH bullied me into it.

Anyway, sleeping would be the operative word, the video or DH and I making our vows is drowned out by a baby crying and the parent never took the baby out.......... the entire damn vows....:

I would have prefered an adult only ceremony, we capped it at 20 minutes (but the minister stretched it to about 35, that was unplanned though) specifically to take mercy on the guests, the least they could have done was take the baby out and into the reception hall which was nextdoor by a few yards.......
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#24 of 328 Old 07-24-2008, 11:54 PM
 
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I am one that has no problem with "no kids at the wedding." I love my kids but don't expect them to be invited everywhere I go. Having an adult-only wedding is just fine IMO.

Kim , mom to Amanda (16):, William (13), and Annie (5)
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#25 of 328 Old 07-25-2008, 12:00 AM
 
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I don't have a problem with "no kids" weddings. I, personally, invited families as a whole when I got married -- we got married two hours away from where most of our friends lived, and I figured if the parents wanted a night out they would hire a sitter. Otherwise they were welcome to bring the kiddos. Besides, my sister flew all the way from Holland with her 9-month old, I wasn't about to tell her he couldn't come!

My cousin got married a couple years ago, the wedding and reception were "kid free". Except that we got to the reception and the nieces and nephews of the bride (my cousin's kids) were all there. THAT chapped my hide. Sorry, but no kids is NO kids. :
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#26 of 328 Old 07-25-2008, 12:04 AM
 
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I had adult only, barring flower girl/ring bearer (who were 10 ish), and one newborn. No one complained (to me anyway).
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#27 of 328 Old 07-25-2008, 12:38 AM
 
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I understand having an adult only event, and can accept an adult only wedding--but I don't "get" the money argument. The kids aren't invited because their meals are too expensive? If that is the major reason, why not just serve cheaper meals and invite everyone?

I understand people having dream events. I don't understand excluding the children of the family in order to afford the event. If you can't afford it for everyone, then maybe you can't afford it. If there is another reason for children not to be invited (very formal, very late, etc), that is another thing. I love the idea of renting a room with a couple nannies for out of town guests with dc. I could have gone a wedding I missed a few years back if they had done that!
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#28 of 328 Old 07-25-2008, 12:39 AM
 
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Well, yes, it is up to the bride and groom to only invite the people they want at the wedding. When it's that costly, I don't blame them for not inviting the whole household.

How many spouses didn't get included on the invite? I mean, there must be a few husbands or wives they aren't too keen on, and that would be a BIGGER cost savings, right? ;-)

See, I totally hear that an evening reception is hard on many kids, and that some kids hate the getting dressed up and being on good behavior parts and stuff. I don't blame parents at all for deciding that a particular wedding isn't an appropriate place for their kids. But, if I get invited to a big, formal event, and my kids aren't invited, I feel about the same as I would if my husband wasn't invited... and I'm pretty sure that would be seen as tacky, tacky, tacky. But we think nothing of leaving the kids out. I don't really get it, honestly.
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#29 of 328 Old 07-25-2008, 12:52 AM
 
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But, if I get invited to a big, formal event, and my kids aren't invited, I feel about the same as I would if my husband wasn't invited... and I'm pretty sure that would be seen as tacky, tacky, tacky. But we think nothing of leaving the kids out. I don't really get it, honestly.
Because there are some places where it really just isn't appropriate for kids to be. And trust me, kids generally would rather not be there. They wouldn't feel offended at all if they knew how long, boring and stressful weddings actually are, minus the decor and pretty dress. I'm talking from a kid's point of view, of course.

I don't think it's reasonable to ask that the bride and groom pay a huge expense for the sake of the kids. I would find that tacky. Say you have three kids and at $60 a plate, you're asking the bride and groom pay $180 for a dinner they won't likely eat. Combined with your dinners, that could wind up being $500 instead of $320. That's a lot to ask.

Also, if the bride and groom don't want screaming babies or whiny toddlers or 7 year olds wiping the icing off the cake, tbh, that's okay too. It's not fair to expect kids to act like short adults for a night, and it's not fair to inflict kid life on an expensive, formal ceremony.

If the wedding is not formal, more of a home wedding, than let the kids run amuck. They're fun! But if the wedding is formal, I think it's totally fair and even preferable to have no kids.
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#30 of 328 Old 07-25-2008, 12:55 AM
 
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Because there are some places where it really just isn't appropriate for kids to be. And trust me, kids generally would rather not be there. They wouldn't feel offended at all if they knew how long, boring and stressful weddings actually are, minus the decor and pretty dress. I'm talking from a kid's point of view, of course.

I don't think it's reasonable to ask that the bride and groom pay a huge expense for the sake of the kids. I would find that tacky. Say you have three kids and at $60 a plate, you're asking the bride and groom pay $180 for a dinner they won't likely eat. Combined with your dinners, that could wind up being $500 instead of $320. That's a lot to ask.

Also, if the bride and groom don't want screaming babies or whiny toddlers or 7 year olds wiping the icing off the cake, tbh, that's okay too. It's not fair to expect kids to act like short adults for a night, and it's not fair to inflict kid life on an expensive, formal ceremony.

If the wedding is not formal, more of a home wedding, than let the kids run amuck. They're fun! But if the wedding is formal, I think it's totally fair and even preferable to have no kids.
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