Is this really a difficult decision? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 10:54 AM
 
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When we got married, the township clerk told me that we were officially married in the eyes of the government when we signed the marriage license in her office. The wedding was just the traditional thing to do.

I'm sure that varies by location, though.

Dawn - Mom to : Jack 11/04 and David 5/08
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#62 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 11:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This is obviously a nightmare situation for her.
What makes you say that?

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For whatever reason, she isn't trusting him to provide for her: that's a BIG thing. A BIG, BIG thing.
That would be strange since he's more than capable of doing so, as long Gucci and Prada aren't tops on her priority list.

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I also think it's obscene and disgusting that a country as rich as the USA doesn't have universal midwifery and maternity care. : This shouldn't be a question that anyone has to ask.
Agreed.

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Would it be less of a "scandal" in her family to have a baby out of wedlock?
That is entirely possible. Some people get really weird about weddings.

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Can the man's benefits be extended to live-in significant others?
To my knowledge, no. We have the same union plan.

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She's 21, was "the other woman" when he was married before, dresses up in Prada and Gucci to go to the clinic... wait, I think she might've been on one of those daytime talk shows.

Here's what I think you should have your dh tell his co-worker:
"My wife says not to ask her anymore."
No kidding, hey? Dh did tell him he doesn't know what they expect if they don't like the answers. He did tell friend not to bother talking to me if she doesn't make a good effort to breastfeed. His response was, "Why wouldn't she breastfeed?" We shall see, won't we?

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DH needs to tell his best friend to man up. He needs to quit asking others what to do and talk to his fiancee. If he is concerned about her being on the insurance he needs to talk to the HR department and find out.

He sounds like he's as immature as she is. They need to start making grown up decisions together if they are going to be parents.
Definitely! What's good for us may not be for them or someone else. A while ago they said they wanted to have a relationship like dh and I do. Maybe they are being a little too literal about that and need you use their own brains. They aren't starting on the same playing field so that's not even possible even if it weren't just kind of creepy.
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#63 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 11:37 AM
 
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It does seem like an obvious situation.

If they really are committed to getting married, go to the courthouse and get legally married. They can even keep it a secret if they want so they don't spoil the public wedding.
Then have the show wedding when they are ready.


Otherwise, it sounds like they really aren't sure about being married and they really should stay single legally. Take the money they are planning to use for the big wedding and cover the medical bills. If they commit to being married at some later date, they can save up the money for a wedding.

Mom to Kira March 2009
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#64 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 12:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Alrighty, here's the scoop. I can't get her to answer as to why they turned her away, so all anyone can do is guess on that one. She said it was for the better because it was filthy and run down. She said they are planning on going to the courthouse now. She decided that it would be better to have a wedding or party later when she looks and feels her best. I don't have the heart to tell her that might be further out than she thinks. She's already got bad morning sickness now anyway. She asked about breastfeeding too! : It sounds like I have some 'work' to do with that because someone is telling her some strange things about breastfeeding, like she has to quit early and go on birthcontrol pills. Baby steps. I am hoping for a girl because I might not be able to stop myself from telling them about circumcision. :

I did remind her to make certain that they double check with the insurance company what the criteria is for her to be on the insurance. Heck, I feel like calling myself and asking as a general question. It won't affect me any by asking and if there's any info that may need to be omitted , they won't have any notations on their account either.
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#65 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 01:01 PM
 
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It sounds like I have some 'work' to do with that because someone is telling her some strange things about breastfeeding, like she has to quit early and go on birthcontrol pills.
My bet is that her mom is "someone".
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#66 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 01:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My bet is that her mom is "someone".
I think so too. My first thought was HUH? Obviously you aren't using any now. Or, whatever it is that you are using now isn't working.
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#67 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 03:50 PM
 
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Totally, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
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#68 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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Wow, that's nervy. Prada at the free clinic? Hehe.

I vote get married asap, and here's why. I was engaged when I found out I was pregnant. He wanted to get married right away, but I didn't want to be a pregnant bride, so we set a date a year down the road. He was killed in a car accident several weeks later.

His life insurance and small estate was split between his parents (who sued me--well, my insurance company-- as the owner of the car to get most of it!) and my son. My son's portion was put in trust. He'll get it when he turns 18, and I can only hope he uses it for college. I can't tell you how much of a difference that the relatively small amount of money that I would have been entitled to as his wife would have made when I was a single mother. Due to big hospital bills in his first four years, I had to file bankruptcy. I also had to jump through hoops to even get my late fiance's name on the birth certificate. It was a nightmare.

So for legal (and morbid) reasons, if they plan to marry, I always vote do it right away where a child is concerned.
Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry

I'd go to the courthouse in a red hot minute, if I was sure I wanted to be married. Having a wedding is one thing, being married is another in my way of thinking. I say it all the time and it makes my dh crazy, but I wish we had skipped the wedding and just done the courthouse thing and bought a house.
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#69 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 05:55 PM
 
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My cousin just did that!

They were engaged and planning a wedding for this summer. But she got a great job in a new town and everything was easier (insurance, etc) if they were married. So they ran off to Tennessee for a weekend and are still planning their ceremony for this summer.

Candacepeace.gif, Married to dh   guitar.gif, Mom to ds (8) biggrinbounce.gif , Gavin candle.gif (9/30/10 - 12/19/10) and cautiously expecting our rainbow1284.gif 4-29-12

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#70 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 08:32 PM
 
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I would get married, if only because I've been doing an internship in paternity court and, well...UGH. I don't want to go there if I don't have to (and if you have a baby here and are not married, you have to go to paternity court to get any rights for the father--even if you both signed the acknowlegement in the hospital, even if you live together, etc.).

(Your jurisdiction may have different rules, and I sure hope your jurisdiction has a less depressing paternity court than mine does, so your mileage may vary.)

ProtoLawyer (the now-actual lawyer, this isn't legal advice,  please don't take legal advice from some anonymous yahoo on the Internet)
Spouse (the political geek) * Stepdaughter (the artist) * and introducing...the Baby (um, he's a baby? He likes shiny things).
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#71 of 71 Old 10-21-2008, 08:48 PM
 
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I would get married, if only because I've been doing an internship in paternity court and, well...UGH. I don't want to go there if I don't have to (and if you have a baby here and are not married, you have to go to paternity court to get any rights for the father--even if you both signed the acknowlegement in the hospital, even if you live together, etc.).

(Your jurisdiction may have different rules, and I sure hope your jurisdiction has a less depressing paternity court than mine does, so your mileage may vary.)
What on earth is paternity court? Do you live in the US? You do not have to be married to her to be required to be responsible for your child or have rights to visit said child.
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