I don't want to be all morbid and everything, but I thought it would be a good idea to have a PAL thread in the DDC for those of us with losses to have a place to gather. I am soooo nervous about even joining the DDC and it is even harder to hang out in the general areas knowing there's a chance I might not be around for the whole 9 months. I have a living son who took 2 years to conceive. Then I got pg again in April '10 with DC #2. Everything was going smoothly with my pg...very much the same as with DS...until we had our first u/s and discovered that the baby had no heartbeat. That was at 11wks, but the baby only measured 9wks. My body never acknowledged the loss and waited over 3 wks to m/c naturally. When the 2nd tri came around and there were still no signs of bleeding or cramping, I chose to have a D&C.
Having a m/c was one of the hardest things I have ever been through and I am scared out of my mind with this pregnancy. I am 5w3d today and still have very few symptoms. A little more tired than usual, slight waves of nausea from time to time, and peeing a little more often. I'm not so worried about an early loss (although I know it can happen), but I'm terrified of going to an u/s and finding out another baby died inside of me. Our first u/s is scheduled for December 29th. I was initially hoping to have it sooner, but now I'm glad it won't be until after Christmas. I can't even think about how I would deal with the holiday if it's bad news.
Anyway...it would be great for everyone else if I was the only one who needs this thread, but I have a feeling there may be more PAL mamas here in the Aug '11 DDC and I hope we can use this as a place to share our fears and hopes.
I'm another PAL momma. My miscarriage was nearly 2 years ago, but this is our first pregnancy since. S was a wiggly little baby w/a heartbeat on the ultrasound at exactly 11 weeks, and then I started bleeding 3 hrs later and lost him early the next morning.
I'm actually feeling very optimistic about this pregnancy and don't have the feelings of dread that I was expecting. I think it will be hard around 11 weeks, but so far so good. I'm also enjoying having this little bean around for as long as s/he is here. I had always thought that I'd rather not have been pregnant at all than miscarry, and I was very surprised to find that wasn't true.
-Shannon, momma to H 8/03, N 9/06, & P 8/11, missing S born at 11 wks 1/09
Ah I'm glad you started this Erica, didn't want to put my paranoia into the general chat. I am so sorry to read about your and Shannon's past losses. I had two calm straightforward pregnancies, and then our little boy was stillborn at 42 weeks. At home. Now I just worry. And of course I worry about all the other rare and unlikely things that have caused other mama's to lose their little ones. So not much peace here, but DH gives me a pep talk regularly and I feel bit more hopeful for a while. And our gorgeous, busy girlies are fortunately a huge distraction from worrying. Shannon, our big girls were born the same month, and not sure about yours, but ours is pretty ... challenging, at the moment, to say the least! Praying for sticky healthy full term babies for all of us.
I'm sorry for the losses that bring us together here but am praying that we all have healthy pregnancies and babies over the next nine months.
I had a miscarriage before my first pregnancy, but I notice that I am remembering more from then than the first few weeks of my dc's pregnancy.
In all situations like this, I find great comfort in trying to practice mindfulness and connecting to this pregnancy. I try and remember all pain from the past and all fear of the future takes me away from the present in this pregnancy. Frankly, I found the TTC stage the most challenging yet, and now it is still tough, but I believe it is the best thing to work towards for ourselves, so I just keep trying.
I had a miscarriage @ 8 weeks this past April. I am so scared. I'm trying really hard to focus on everything good and stay positive. But, I keep obsessively visiting the bathroom every half hour to check the toilet paper. My m/c rocked my world and I am trying to find peace and knowledge that this time will be okay.
Jenn mama to MonkeySquishy& River(8wks)Wife to Mike See you at the Bridge, Abigael and McKenna
I'm so sorry for all your losses, mamas!
Jenn-I hear you about obsessing over the color of my TP! I could have written your post about myself. My miscarriage totally rocked my world too. I never saw it coming...which was quite naive in hindsight. I should have had some idea that it was possible, given the statistics, but my 1st pg was textbook and I just assumed that my 2nd would be as well. I was a mess for several months and my heart still aches for my Aiden in a way that I've never experienced before.
xmasbaby7-It's great that you can focus on connecting with this pregnancy. I've heard many PAL mamas make the comment that they are happy to be pregnant today...regardless of what tomorrow brings. that's what i keep trying to tell myself.
pjs-I envy your relaxed attitude. I hope I can get there at some point, too. I know I didn't do anything to cause my miscarriage, but I can't help wandering over to the dark side from time to time and thinking "if only I had..."
adore4-I am so sorry for your loss. ANY loss is bad, but I can't even imagine the horror of going through full term labor only to discover that my baby had died. Lots of hugs to you.
Shannon-I 'm happy for you that you feel optimistic. 11wks is going to be tough for me too. We discovered that our baby had died at an 11wk ultrasound.
AFM: I'm still not feeling any symptoms yet and it's starting to freak me out. I know it's still early, but it seems like I should be feeling SOMETHING by now. I keep thinking back on my two other pregnancies and I guess my symptoms starting coming on in full force at around 6.5wks, so I had better have some nausea and fatigue by the middle of next week!
I'm sorry for all your losses mamas.
I had a miscarriage in May at 13 weeks. I didn't have any ultrasounds or any testing so I had no idea it was coming until my water broke, and it was all over within a few hours. It was totally heartbreaking. I'd been lurking on MDC for quite a while so I was pretty aware of how often miscarriages occur. In fact, I had tried to not get too attached to my little bean until the second trimester, but it didn't matter in the end because it still was devastating. So this time I'm trying a new attitude of enjoying each day of my pregnancy, no matter how long it lasts.
I've been tempted to get early tests this time around, but I talked it over with DH and we decided against it again. We can't really change the outcome so we'd rather not stress about it and have faith that everything is going well. Its hard to stay confident sometimes, but poking my boobs and feeling how tender they are helps.
Expecting a little one in August!
I too am sorry for all of these losses
I can identify with all of you as well. My mc caught me by surprise also. I stopped avoiding in august and got a BFP in early November, I was pg for a week and then started to bleed. It was complete in a week I estimate that I was almost 6 weeks. I am now pg again. I went to my gp for a cold and mentioned the mc to her. She sent me to an OB for a possible rhogam shot. When I got there Surprise! I am pg again. Because we caught it so early, late 3 weeks/early 4 weeks, they noticed that my progesterone was very low. So I started supplements then. They have done some blood work also and my betas low too. They were 14,000 the first time and then 28,000 4 days later. How do these look to you all? I go for an early u/s on Monday.
I am terrified of getting a bad result. But I am just taking it one day at a time. I am so proud of you momma's who have 2-3-4 m/c and are still going for it and not a quivering mess on the couch. I am almost afraid to hope this one will stick but I am enjoying being pg today.
I am so glad I can share with you ladies. My Mom passed away a few years ago and I mourn that she is not here for me to talk too or ask questions. I really have no one to share with so I am glad to have you all.
Best wishes and sticky babies
My last pregnancy ended in miscarriage. I was 10 weeks when I went in for an ultrasound where they found a dead 8-week embryo. I waited until 15 weeks when I finally miscarried naturally. My placenta had continued to grow so it was really very much like a birth, with a big fat placenta and lots of blood. It was a good experience for me, though. I was just so glad it finally happened because I didn't want to resort to interventions but I was about to cave and use misoprostol.
My miscarriage ended up being incomplete, which I only realized two months later when a little chunk came out and completed it. I had been spotting up to that point and was starting to wonder when it would end. Then I bled HEAVILY for the remaining two weeks of that cycle (ovulation had triggered the miscarriage to complete) and after my period came I was finally finally complete.
This was my third cycle trying since then.
Sarah, mother to Eloïse (5/2005), Lucas (3/2008) and Ilias (7/2011), and due with #4 (March 1, 2014)
Sarah, your loss sounds a lot like how mine went, except I couldn't hang in long enough to miscarry naturally. I wish I had for closure purposes, but I was at a serious breaking point and I caved and had the D&C done. I have a lot of respect for you for waiting it out for so long. I was in Hell for the weeks that I waited and I was a terrible wife and mommy to my DH and DS.
Hi everyone, I am sorry we all understand PAL, but I am glad we can come together and support each other. I was really nervous to post in the DDC at all until I saw this thread! I just found out I am PG a few days ago and this is my 5th pregnancy, although I only have two children here in earth. My first loss was between DD1 and DD2, I was 8 weeks and it was devastating. We got PG with DD2 my third cycle post m/c and everything went very smoothly. We started trying again this past August and were shocked to get PG on the first try! It only lasted a week though and I m/ed before I was even 6 weeks. My second loss was hard, but not as hard as the first emotional or physically. I think I knew from the beginning that time it was not meant to be. We are PG again on my 4th post m/c cycle. I am taking Promitrium vaginally once a day. I have not called the doctor yet. I am not sure if we will do any early blood work or not. When I do call the doctor they will schedule an ultrasound for 8weeks and I will just have to sit tight until then. When we see a heartbeat I will feel better and when I stop the progesterone supplements at the end of the first trimester I was be even more at ease. For now though, like you all have mentioned, I am just enjoying every moment! i do feel different then I did in August, much more at ease and happy, so I hope that means something!
Mommy to three girls DD 6, DD 3.5,DD 8/2011 & new babe 3/2013, 2 's 1/2008 and 8/2010
OakTreeMom-I don't know a whole lot about betas, but I've heard that it is normal for them to double every 72 hours, so yours seem really good.
Here is an excerpt from the American Pregnancy Association's website concerning hCG levels:
Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) levels can have quite a bit of variance at this point. Anything from 18 - 7,340 mIU/ml is considered normal at 5 weeks. Once the levels have reached at least 2000, some type of development is expected to be seen in the uterus using high resolution vaginal ultrasound. If using a transabdominal ultrasound, some type of development should be seen when the hCG level has reached 3600 mIU/ml. Although development may be seen earlier, these levels provide a guide of when something is expected to be seen.
And here is a chart I found online too:
HCG Levels Chart for Single Pregnancy
Weeks After Last Menstrual Period (LMP):
3 Weeks: 0-5 mIU/HCG
4 Weeks: 5-426 mIU/HCG
5 Weeks: 18-7340 mIU/HCG
6 Weeks: 1,080-56,500 mIU/HCG
7/8 Weeks: 7,650-229,000 mIU/HCG
9/12 Weeks: 25,700-288,00 mIU/HCG
13/16 Weeks: 13,300-254,000 mIU/HCG
17/24 Weeks: 4,060-165,400 mIU/HCG
25-40 Weeks: 3,640-117,000 mIU/HCG
4-6 Weeks Postpartum: < 5 mIU/HCG
egmaranian- Thank you so much for this website and information. I was a bit paranoid after speaking with my nurse the other day. She sounded like my numbers were quite low and asked if I had any bleeding or spotting. I told her no and she just said to keep taking the progesterone and come for an ultrasound on Monday. So hopefully I will see something good then. I am sending up the prayers about it. I am also keeping the news to myself and not even telling dh until after the appt. on Monday. That way if I get bad news then no one knows but me. I have already known I was pregnant longer this time than last time though so it is a small milestone. I knew for 4 days when I m/c and today it has been a week. But I am just taking it one day at a time. Thanks again! When is your edd. Mine is mid august. The actual date is 8/14 but we know how accurate those can be, right?
OakTree: I know how it feels to be totally paranoid. I can't believe you're not even telling your husband, though! Wow, you're brave. My DH would be so angry if I didn't include him from the beginning, whether the result was good or bad.
My EDD is August 6th. I know there can be a lot of variance in actual births compared to EDD's but I feel pretty confident that if this bean is a sticky one, it'll be close to that date. I know when I ovulated so I'm sure the EDD is accurate and my DS was born 2 days before his EDD.
8/14, that means you're not even 5 wks yet, right? You'r betas seem really high if that's the case. I think your nurse is off her rocker.
I am really not sure why I have not told him. I guess I am not sure how he will take it. His job situation is a bit unstable at the moment. I would love him to get a new job where I can be a sahm. But right now I am just holding out and enjoying my little secret for a minute. I know that he has a soft side and on my last one, I was going to tell him that Friday, but it became obvious that morning that there was no news to tell. I may tell him tomorrow. This is not news I want to tell him on the phone and he will be home tomorrow night. I guess in a way I think I am protecting him from bad news. But, maybe I should just let go and stop expecting bad news?
Yes, I am very early. I am pretty sure when I conceived because I keep track of AF and BD's so I can reasonable estimate that I conceived about 11/21 ish The calender that I use has me at 4 weeks 4 days. I am a little confused on how they calculate that though. But, I do know that AF was due on 12/6 and did not show her face so that makes me 4 days late.
It is possible that in the heat of the moment, I misunderstood what she told me over the phone. I was going to call and ask for the numbers again, but I decided to relax and just enjoy being pregnant today.
If it were multiples I would fall out....
I would so love to be a SAHM, too. I was fortunate to be able to work from home doing my regular job for 18 months after my DS was born and that was the most wonderful time I've ever had in my life. I just went back to work at my office full time last week at the demand of my employer, and it is devastating leaving my son at home and being gone for 9 1/2 hours every day. Our financial situation demands that i work though, so I just need to deal with it. I'm trying to figure out a way to find work that would pay me a large enough salary while working from home to be able to quit my current job when this next baby is born. That would be wonderful.
IME it's hard to not expect the worst when you've already been through it. I understand wanting to protect your DH. I felt like that at first when I found out about this pregnancy and I didn't tell him the first day I got my BFP, but then I caved and told him the next day :)
So, my nurse called me back (after I missed her call on tues.) and I got my exact numbers. On 12/2, my betas were 14,236 and on 12/6 they were 22,154. I wonder if low proges. can cause a low beta? My proges went from 5.93 to about 7 something so I am interested in seeing what my numbers are on Monday.
OakTree: Keep us updated. Is your doctor suggesting a progesterone supplement?
Well, I finally had a little nausea this morning. Nothing earth-shattering or anything, but at least it's a symptom, right? Also, my boobs were a little sore for the first time when DS was nursing last night. I'm so relieved that I'm starting to have some symptoms at all. I am on pins & needles right now and I want to go have an u/s so bad just to know that my little bean is doing ok. I know it won't change anything though and I really don't want to ruin Christmas for my family if it's bad news.
DH is finally starting to acknowledge that I am pg. I think he's been in denial for a while because he never brings it up for any reason. I think he's afraid to get too attached in case we lose this one too. He's a real softy underneath his big tough guy image and even though he's never said it, I think he took our m/c pretty hard.
We haven't told any of our family yet. We don't want to tell them until we have the pregnancy confirmed with an u/s and it's going to be killer to get through Christmas without saying anything. I really don't want to go through all the misery of having to "un-tell" again though. Maybe I shouldn't think of it that way, but they weren't really any help at all while I was going through my dark days and I'd rather them just not know at all than expect some kind of support that they aren't capable of giving. On the other hand, it would be nice to have something to celebrate during all the holiday events. I wish I could get up the courage to be unconditionally excited and give in to the joys of pregnancy. This PAL stuff really sucks!
This thread sure has been quiet. How are all you mamas doing?
AFM: I finally got what I've been wishing for...symptoms galore. I've had pretty intense nausea for the last two days and my boobs are very tender when DS is nursing. I'm definitely bloated now too. I sat at my desk yesterday for most of the day with my pants unbuttoned.
Even though I feel like crap, it's so reassuring to know that these miserable symptoms mean this pregnancy is progressing. Now I'm just waiting to find out if my little bean has a healthy heartbeat. 15 more days...
Erica - It has been a quite thread! Seems like a pretty quite DDC over all, must be the holiday's. Glad your symptoms are kicking in. I was talking to a neighbor today, I told her I was worried because I do not have many symptoms yet and she said to take it as a blessing, i told her I would rather be sick! It was very reassuring with DD2 to at least feel a little crappy. I guess I still have time to start feeling bad, but right now I am just worried. I feel like I am going to see pink on the TP every time I go to the bathroom. This part is just no fun. I am thankful for the time I am given with this bean, but I sure do pray it is much much longer then just a few days or weeks. I have had some round ligament pain and soar boobs, but that is it. I am taking a b-complex, drinking lots of water and still exercising regularly, so maybe that is helping to curb the nausea so far? I don't know, it is so hard not to worry though.
Mommy to three girls DD 6, DD 3.5,DD 8/2011 & new babe 3/2013, 2 's 1/2008 and 8/2010
Hi girls! Not sure if I "belong" here, as my most recent losses were in '07 and I've had two babies since then. But i know your fears very intimately and wish you all the best!
Jill, mama to three fiery girlies and a sweet baby boy: Grace, 11.30.2005, Ayla, 3.22.2008, Norah 9.5.09, Reed 8.19.11 & dfs Gage 2.29.12 x4
You most certainly do belong here! This is my first experience with PAL, but I know my m/c will be a part of my life forever and will always be something that has shaped my mind when it comes to pregnancy and loss. Therefore, whether your loss(es) was recent or years ago, you will, unfortunately, always be a part of the baby loss mamas club
Sarah2881: I know what you mean. There are some lucky women who sail through pregnancy with no symptoms and have healthy babies. Personally, I'd rather be sick to death and knowing that I'm still pg than be symptom free and be worried all the time if a m/c is around the corner. When I had my loss, there were no signs that I was having a m/c. It was a missed miscarriage and we only found out that the baby had died during an ultrasound at 11wks. My placenta kept on growing as if nothing had happened and I kept on having all my pg symptoms right up until my d&c at 14wks. That's why I'm so scared this time. Not only am I afraid of the potential for a spontaneous loss and the bleeding that comes with it, but I'm also scared to death of going in for an u/s and finding out that another baby has died. I just can't wait to be in the second tri so I can at least go to my mw for doppler checks whenever I freak out.
I'm sorry to hear of your losses. I got pregnant in June 2010 and was due 2/23/11, but went in for an appt at 15 weeks on 9/1 and the baby didn't have a heartbeat :( I was caught totally off guard because at 15 weeks I felt like I was in the safe zone. I "miscarried" (I hate to use that term - it felt like giving birth - my water broke, I had contractions on a smaller scale, felt urge to push, etc) at home the same day and got to hold my tiny little baby boy.. we named him Landen. I ended up having to have a D&C anyway the following day due to a retained placenta (physically this was the worst part of the entire ordeal). We chose not to have any testing done on the baby, so we will never know the cause. My dr told us chances of this happening again are slim to none. I am a bit nervous this time, but I've carried 2 pregnancies to term so I'm feeling hopeful this time around..
Missing 9/1/10 @ 15 weeks, and 2/14/11 @ 13 weeks
I don't have too many symptoms right now, but I am only 4 weeks and a few days. I'm peeing a lot, and overly emotional (crying at EVERYTHING! This is very unlike me), and my boobs have gotten bigger, and I have the beautiful road mappy veins everywhere, but that's about it. However, during Landen's pregnancy, I had intense nausea for 2 months and he still died at 15 weeks, so i am trying to convince myself that lack of symptoms right now is a non-issue. My first pregnancy was pretty much symptom-free and my son is now 10, so..
Missing 9/1/10 @ 15 weeks, and 2/14/11 @ 13 weeks
Erika: I'm so sorry for your loss.
Despite to horrible circumstances, I think it's beautiful that you were able to birth Landon at home and hold him in your arms. That is something that I really wish I was able to do when I lost Aiden.
Good luck and sticky vibes to you mama!
Thank you for starting this thread. I have had a few losses in the past. But I had one last June that really upset me. I also went in for a routine ultrasound, just to see that the baby had died a while ago. It was shortly after my husband had left me and was just a lot to go through alone. In one weeks time I had lost my husband, found out I was pregnant, then lost the pregnancy. It has me really afraid of trying to process this pregnancy. I am so afraid of getting excited or attached to the pregnancy, just to lose it again.
I have an ultrasound today. Maybe that will help ease my worry a bit.
Melaya (29) - Mom to Z (9) and soon to be I (due Nov 2013)
Birth mom to M (7), O (5), & C (2).