I probably won't post in this thread much because it brings up too many feelings for me. (I'm so sorry Erika.) But I had to share this with someone because I would feel so selfish talking to my friends about it right now.
A friend and I got pregnant in Nov. and were due within days of each other. My last miscarriage was really traumatic and I've been a big ball of nerves and a party pooper. (My others were very early and while sad, just not the same as a later one and a D&C and the situation surrounding it.) When we hit 12 weeks and all 3 ultrasounds I had showed baby was healthy I finally breathed a sigh of relief and started to relax and let myself enjoy my pregnancy and being pregnant with my friend.
She just let me know she had her ultrasound and it showed her baby's heart had stopped.
I ache for her. I know exactly what she's feeling right now. And it's sent me back into being a stress ball. I'm NOT safe yet. I WON'T be safe. I have my gender ID ultrasound tomorrow and I was so excited and looking forward to being relaxed and just enjoying it knowing everything was ok but now I'm going to be a wreck until I see it and know for sure.
I feel like a huge jerk because she's the one who's lost her baby. How dare I be the one upset right now? I would feel like the most self-centered brat ever if I talked to our friends about how I'm feeling right now. She's the one with the real problem.
But I'm going to feel like a jerk when I start feeling happy again. Every cheerful update I give is going to rub her nose in the fact that her baby died and mine is alive. How dare I tell everyone tomorrow "Hurray! I'm having a..." when she's still mourning hers?
But on the flip side of that, one of my oldest friends found out she was pregnant right as I had my last loss and she ended up hiding her pregnancy from me for 6 months. I was so hurt by it because I would have been so happy for her and I felt like my grief had been a burden on her.
It's just not fair. To anyone. There's no win in this situation.
You're not a jerk. I hope it's ok if I pop in here on occasion to see how you ladies are doing. I hope you all have healthy, happy pregnancies and you shared 1/3 of the journey with me so I would like to share your happy outcomes once August comes about.. I hope that doesn't weird anyone out. Your feelings are normal Krista, and I wouldn't expect anyone to feel less joy over their own pregnancy because of how mine ended. I have pregnant friends and I am still thrilled for them.. and hopefully I will be able to join another DDC within the next few months. Once you've experienced a loss, the innocence of pregnancy disappears. It sucks but it's a normal feeling. I highly doubt your friend would think you're rubbing your nose in anything - I certainly wouldn't feel that way.
Anyway, hugs to all of you! I think of you fondly and am still very grateful for all the support and listening ears that were given to me over the past few months. And like i said I hope it's not weird if I lurk here on occasion. I felt too raw after my last m/c to do that with my last DDC but this one was different, and I felt a better connection with you ladies. I am handling this loss a little better- I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
Anyway- sorry to hijack but I wanted to assure you that your feelings are normal. I have been on both sides. Creeping back into lurkdom :)
Missing 9/1/10 @ 15 weeks, and 2/14/11 @ 13 weeks
Erika, I do hope you pop back in, I know I would love to hear how you are doing and be updated as you move through this process. I do not think it is creepy at all. I popped back into my DDC after my first loss, but not my second. Mostly because that one was so early I really did not know anyone.
Mommy to three girls DD 6, DD 3.5,DD 8/2011 & new babe 3/2013, 2 's 1/2008 and 8/2010
I don't think it's weird at all. On the contrary, I think it would be a bit weird if you didn't. It's natural to still be interested in what's going on with your friends, whether in real life or on-line, regardless of what's going on with you. I did the same with my DDC after my miscarriage. So I definitely hope we'll see you around until you let us know that you're joining a new DDC!
Sarah, mother to Eloïse (5/2005), Lucas (3/2008) and Ilias (7/2011), and due with #4 (March 1, 2014)
Erika--I think it's awesome that you will still be hanging out with us. I know I couldn't have done it after my first loss, but looking back on it, I think it would have been healthier for me to read stories of healthy pregnancies and interact with pregnant mamas. As it was, I spent hours...days...reading stories of loss and while that helped me to get my emotions out, it really freaked me out because I was consumed with all the possibilities of loss for months and it nearly incapacitated me with fear. Not saying you'd do the same thing, but there's something to be said for surrounding yourself with positive vibes, rather than negative ones, right? Please, do, stick with us because I'll be thrilled to hear how you are doing and when you get your next BFP!
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