My mom wants to move to town to be closer to her grandchild--what do I do? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 05-18-2011, 02:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone-

 

I don't post much but I lurk around the August due date club often. I'm due August 10.

 

My mother is visiting me on the east coast-she lives in California and she just called me at work to tell me that she wants to buy a house in my neighborhood so she can be close to her grandchild. 

 

In my opinion, this is a very bad idea. I have a really complicated relationship with my mother and I actually like the fact that she lives far away. I do want her to be in the baby's life, but not in such a full-time way. Also, she doesn't know anyone here and I"m sure she would expect to hang out with me all the time. I can really only take her in small doses. Plus, my partner has a really hard time dealing with her. I know that I need to tell her that I don't want her to move here, but I just don't know how. Anyone have any suggestions about how to do this without hurting her feelings too much and or completely destroying out relationship?

 

Thanks.

 

K

 

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#2 of 12 Old 05-18-2011, 09:44 PM
 
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Hi neighbour!

 

I'm not sure what else to tell you, but to be honest and polite.  Or run away!!!


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#3 of 12 Old 05-18-2011, 10:52 PM
 
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Time for some honesty- tactful honesty.

 

"I don't think that would be a good idea. You do not have a support network here, and as a new family, we cannot provide that 24/7 for you. How about we schedule several visits over the course of the next year instead?"


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#4 of 12 Old 05-19-2011, 06:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the suggestions- I think you're both right--I think suggesting scheduling visits is a good idea.

I guess I just have to think of this as one of the first hard things I have to do to take care of my new family in the way I believe is right.

 

 

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#5 of 12 Old 05-19-2011, 06:57 AM
 
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Sadly you cannot tell your mom were she can and cannot live.  However, you can strongly encourage her to move into a community with older people so she can make new friends and socialize.  You can help her find one a good distance from your house!

 

 

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#6 of 12 Old 05-20-2011, 03:50 PM
 
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I think that's all very reasonable, and showing concern for her being uprooted, while trying to organize visits within the limits of your tolerance, should help keep her from feeling unloved or rejected - while sparing you.


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#7 of 12 Old 05-20-2011, 03:53 PM
 
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Remind her how expensive it is to live around here!


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#8 of 12 Old 05-20-2011, 03:59 PM
 
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Even 2-3 (or 3-4)  hours away, if that's nearer than where she is, might work.... be cheaper, involve a suitable community, yet keep you from constant visits, if she's determined to move...


Julie, wife to my dearest friend reading.gif reading.gif since August 2009.  Mama to babyboy.gif Oliver & Lydia babygirl.gif, born August 2011.  Enjoying: slingtwin.gif and femalesling.GIFdh_malesling.GIFnursex2.gif 2twins.gifcd.gif, and looking forward to making baby food carrot.gif, and continuing to watch my wee ones grow  babyf.gifbabyf.gif.  

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#9 of 12 Old 05-23-2011, 01:35 PM
 
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My mom moved into the town we live in a few years ago, when she retired.  I was worried about her being too close and always needing us for entertainment and such.  I talked with her about making sure she worked on making her own friends and having her own life separate from us.  Which she did.  She didn't really have much choice because I was super busy with work and school that I really didn't have much free time.  Now it's great because she babysits DD all the time and is usually available when we need her.  DD also really enjoys going to her house, to the park, etc.  She ended up moving about 3 miles away.  At first I thought this would be too close, but it has worked out really well, especially when I have been in need of a nap on short notice--she can often come over and play with DD while I nap.  

 

Also, my mom and I have not always had the best relationship, but it's pretty good now.


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#10 of 12 Old 05-25-2011, 05:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone-

 

Thanks so much for the responses. They really helped calm me down. I'm happy to say that my mom has gone home without purchasing a house. Whew!

 

I spent a lot of time talking to her and showing her the kinds of things that go along with "urban" living- traffic, lack of green space, lots of people, noise, crime--in addition to all all the great things that I love about it-- and she decided that it "wasn't the time." 

 

I think she doesn't know what to do with herself now that she's retired- she actually said to me that the only thing she has going on in her life right now is becoming a grandma. This is all so strange because she was always a hippie/feminist when I was a child and growing up and spent lots of time impressing upon me the importance of independence, and oat bran!

 

 

 

 

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#11 of 12 Old 05-25-2011, 10:29 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kredmon View Post

Hey everyone-

 

Thanks so much for the responses. They really helped calm me down. I'm happy to say that my mom has gone home without purchasing a house. Whew!

 

I spent a lot of time talking to her and showing her the kinds of things that go along with "urban" living- traffic, lack of green space, lots of people, noise, crime--in addition to all all the great things that I love about it-- and she decided that it "wasn't the time." 

 

I think she doesn't know what to do with herself now that she's retired- she actually said to me that the only thing she has going on in her life right now is becoming a grandma. This is all so strange because she was always a hippie/feminist when I was a child and growing up and spent lots of time impressing upon me the importance of independence, and oat bran!

 

 

 

 

 

Good dodge! We were vaguely worried to, as DF's mother sold her house and wants to just live in a travel home. She could park anywhere and then just.. be here. And no. Luckily she's poor and far away so it's more likely she'll go to another of her kid's place to haunt.
 

 


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Mama to Charlie - born August 15th.

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#12 of 12 Old 05-25-2011, 11:01 AM
 
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My husband's mom recently dealt with this.  She was about to move to new zealand to be near her daughter and three grand kids.  She can't really afford to make the move and she has no way of affording living there.  She wants to see her grand kids more but they are all in school or about to be school aged so she'd have the same problem there that she has now... because the truth is, she is bored and lonely.

 

My husband finally convinced her to move into a senior living community.  At first she was resistant because she doesn't want to feel so old and she didn't understand that assisted living isn't the same as a community reserved just for older people.  My husband spent a lot of time looking at places in her price range for her and showing her she'd still be in her own apartment living her own life... but that they'd have activities she could join in on if she wanted and her neighbors would be there so she could make friends she'd see often.

 

She finally found a place and moved in and is now happier than she has been in YEARS.  she is making friends and getting involved.  She wants to see her grand kids more, sure... but really, she just needed people to interact with and things to do.  She lost that when she retired.  She finally has that now and no longer feels the need to move to the other side of the planet.

 

Conveniently, we might be back in town at the end of the year so she'll have her fourth grand kid in the area to see more often... but without the frustration of still not having anything to do on the days we don't get together (which definitely won't be every day... i don't like the lady much... ) so its really a win/win.

 

If she is feeling lost and lonely, maybe a similar type of move would be good for her?

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