how to tactfully inform my mom and g-ma that they are not invited until i get to baby moon a little...... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 23 Old 05-25-2011, 10:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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    i guess my title really says it all. i just found out via my sister that my mom and grandma are planning on driving the 600 miles to come and visit right around when baby is born.... mind you, i have heard none of this.

 

     i will totally love and appreciate the support, and i know my girlies want to see their g-ma and great g-ma---no question about that. i just want to bask in the tiny one without other obligations. i want to enjoy my babe and my girls as a very intimate family...sure, i am planning some outside help to keep some meals going and friends to come and steal the girls so it doesn't get too crazy, so i can nap, etc. but i want to be holding my baby. i have eagerly shared the births and brand newness of the others and now..... i really just want to be left alone in the garden with baby and let my girls do their thing.......they can make potions from mud, leaves and flower petals for hours.......sweet and special as time with grandma is, it also takes a lot out of me in the way of reminding them to go easy on her, and because she just doesn't get some major places that i am coming from. she tries, and that is a gift i am truly thankful for. it's just that she doesn't get it. and she smokes cigarettes. flame me if you will, but i do not want the cigarettes anywhere near me or us or especially baby. it is a major part of my m.o. right now. she's even pretty conscientious of her smoking around kids, tries to hide it and wash her hands, etc.... i am just feeling like a fierce mama bear on some of these issues.

 

      my mom and g-ma are really sweet, will give me no flack while they visit, and will end up giving my girls the special attention they need when they need it. my mom has been there after my other kiddos were born....and it was very sweet to have her, and sort of soak up that time as well. she really was helpful. i just feel really selfish with my baby and my baby time this time around. how can i sweetly offer to them that i will need some time before i am ready for company this time around? especially considering that they are making this plan without having checked in with me at all about it?

 

   anyone been there, done that?

 

 


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#2 of 23 Old 05-25-2011, 10:40 PM
 
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My aunt emailed me to tell me she was visiting in August.

 

I simply wrote back and said she's surely welcome to visit the area, but I'll be busy establishing my family and sleeping schedule, so I can't promise that I'll be up for visiting myself.

 

I think that being cheerful and appreciative and just saying it and planning a fabulous visit for when you're ready will be okay. Especially as you can list why you are excited that they will be visiting. :)


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#3 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 05:13 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elevena true View Post

    how can i sweetly offer to them that i will need some time before i am ready for company this time around? especially considering that they are making this plan without having checked in with me at all about it?

 

   anyone been there, done that?

 

 


Well, I think that since you don't really *know* about their plans, you can call them (quick before they call you!) and invite them to come for a visit at a time that is better for you. Just say "I loved having you visit after the others were born & I'd like to set something up to have you come when this baby is a little bit older,and some of newness has worn off ... I'm sure the older girls will really need your attention & love then when it starts to sink in that the new baby takes so much of my attention."

 

:) That should make sense to them, and be hard to argue with, and if they say they'd planned on coming sooner, you can say 'oh, I wish you'd mentioned something, as we have some local support in place for the first little bit, so we can work on being a new family & I know we'll really appreciate having you here a little bit after .... '

 

I'm a long term planner, and HATE having people surprise me. My sister did come for a surprise visit when DS was born, and that worked out ok, but she had lived with us for a long time before she moved out West, and she is the perfect house guest, invisible when she wants to be, helpful all the time, walks my dog :) ... but any other person living in our space probably would have driven me absolutely crazy that first week!

 


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#4 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 08:04 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Beckily View Post

My aunt emailed me to tell me she was visiting in August.

 

I simply wrote back and said she's surely welcome to visit the area, but I'll be busy establishing my family and sleeping schedule, so I can't promise that I'll be up for visiting myself.


Well said Becky!  I don't think I would have handled an email like that as tactfully and this is my third time around! 


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#5 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 08:28 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by SynEpona View Post

Just say "I loved having you visit after the others were born & I'd like to set something up to have you come when this baby is a little bit older,and some of newness has worn off ... I'm sure the older girls will really need your attention & love then when it starts to sink in that the new baby takes so much of my attention."

 

:) That should make sense to them, and be hard to argue with, and if they say they'd planned on coming sooner, you can say 'oh, I wish you'd mentioned something, as we have some local support in place for the first little bit, so we can work on being a new family & I know we'll really appreciate having you here a little bit after .... '

 

I totally agree. My parents actually called a few days ago to ask when I was having the baby so they could make plans. shake.gif  Seriously people? You had four kids of your own and this is the seventh grandchild. It'll come when it comes.

 

That said, I told them I would have my husband here along with my MIL and support from local friends. I asked if they could wait a couple of weeks before coming up to visit and for the 'new baby' flurry to die down a bit. They said that would be fine.

 

Good luck!


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#6 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 09:35 AM
 
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My MIL wants to be here when our buttercup is born, and is all excited for a grand-daughter (mind you, she thinks we have too many children and if it were up to HER, this little girl wouldn't have ever even been conceived.....especially since that means I had sex with her son. AGAIN.) I told my sweet man that it was his job to tell her that she would be welcome to come after our little one has been here a month or so. I honestly don't need the pressure of her saying "I'll hold the baby while you get some housecleaning done". No thanks. I want to hold my baby, thank you! And I don't care if my house gets messy while I'm doing that! I've waited 21 years to have a daughter, and I certainly won't be sharing her with my selfish, nasty, bossy, neurotic, snobby MIL any time soon. That being said, I know DH will find a loving way to tell her that it would be nice for her to come later. The last time she came for a birth, she couldn't allow us all to just relax with our new baby, and I got left behind while everyone traipsed around entertaining her. I got totally depressed and felt so alone. Never again! Not only that, but poor DH was just SO longing to just hang with his baby too! This time, as it's our last time....it's going to be about OUR family and OUR bonding.

As for your gramma and mom, I agree with Becky....just state what you want with a smile and act like it's the best idea EVER! They will have to listen, no matter how much they are itching to come on by. ((HUG))

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#7 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 09:45 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beckily View Post

My aunt emailed me to tell me she was visiting in August.

 

I simply wrote back and said she's surely welcome to visit the area, but I'll be busy establishing my family and sleeping schedule, so I can't promise that I'll be up for visiting myself.

 

I think that being cheerful and appreciative and just saying it and planning a fabulous visit for when you're ready will be okay. Especially as you can list why you are excited that they will be visiting. :)



 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Babydoll1285 View Post




Well said Becky!  I don't think I would have handled an email like that as tactfully and this is my third time around! 


And then I hastily called my mother and made sure she knew my feelings so she wouldn't invite her sister. My aunt never responded but eh. If they're offended by a completely reasonable request (which I mostly doubt she would be, she's pretty darn cool), I guess I just don't care. :)

 


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#8 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 10:15 AM
 
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I've btdt.  When I had DS, we lived 500 miles away from my mom and DH's mom.  DH's mom made a comment about her and her mom coming down for the birth, and I was all over it.  I told her that we'd be up to visit a few weeks after baby was born, and that would be the debut.  She fought me on it, and basically told us we wouldn't know what to do with a newborn, and would be lost without her help (eyeroll).  I just reiterated that we wanted some time, just the 3 of us, after the baby was born and that we'd visit when we were ready.  I'm a very strong introvert, and the thought of having to hang out with family when I had a brand new baby, and was establishing breastfeeding, sounded like the worst idea ever.  This time we live 10 miles away, and I'm kind of nervous about how it's going to go down.  My MIL was planning to take a week or so off work when the baby was born, and just the other day I told her to take the week when the baby was 3 or 4 weeks old instead.  DH will be home that first week, and I'm thinking I'll need more help when the baby is a few weeks old and I'm exhausted and the birth "high" has worn of. 

 

So, I'm rambling now, lol!  Some people take it fine, some don't, but it's not rude or inappropriate to say "I'd really like to postpone visits a little bit so that we can take some time with the new baby". 

 

One more point: I always figured a tough conversation, and even some hurt feelings, would be forgotten/healed after some time.  Those memories with my new little family will be with me forever.  It was important enough for me to protect :)


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#9 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 10:36 AM
 
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OP, I could have written this same post about my MIL, so thanks for writing it!

 

And thanks for all the great advice, everyone. thumb.gif


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#10 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 12:11 PM
 
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I really think most rational people (I've read about some crazy mom's on this board!) just want to come be with you to help. So if you proactively arrange it so that they will be the most helpful, they'll appreciate it. They don't want to be around when you don't want them around - that's sucky for all involved. :)


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#11 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 04:42 PM
 
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'We'll need help more after the first couple of weeks,' and 'I feel like I need a little time to recover from the birth/for all of us to begin adjusting, but I am really looking forward to seeing you....' (and offering reasons you are) seem pretty good to me.

 

My mom seems to want to be here for the birth - which, close as we are, seems almost too private for me.  She's absolutely wonderful, but given I was unwell for many years, both as a child and as a young adult, and not expected to survive at birth, she's very protective of me.  Very.  (Not so much she couldn't handle my moving several states away, to be with a loving and excellent husband; but enough that she wants to be there so she can SEE no one gives me medication I'm allergic to, etc., etc.....)  I can be very private and independent, so that's hard for me; but she's so genuinely good, kind, supportive and loving, that I can't bear to hurt her feelings, either.  I did say I couldn't handle having company in the house for weeks, leading up to the birth; so she's planning to visit here and go on to spend time with my grandmother & family, a few hours away - close enough she can probably be back well before the babies are born, if she's there when labor begins.  I am pretty much trusting to the fact that we don't KNOW when that will be, and her scheduled dates may bring her here then, or they may mean she's here within a few days of the birth.  I REALLY DO want her here within a couple of days of the babies; just not as much for labor.  On the other hand.......... IF I stay with the hospital I'm due to give birth in, the actual delivery will be in an O.R., with only one non-medical attendant (my husband) allowed, so there's no question of my personally needing to exclude anyone from the part I most want not to have watched.

 

My father tells me he's planning to arrive on August 15th, the day before the babies are due... realizing that probably they'll be here, and be a couple of weeks old, by then.  Which is fine, except.... I don't know whether he remembers that's my wedding anniversary or not.  But, maybe it'll be easier to celebrate, if not very privately, with some extra hands around.  My sister and her family will be trying to coordinate with him.... and my brother, possibly, as well.... At least I managed to make sure everyone was prepared to help, and not expecting to be entertained or catered to by my efforts.  They know I will love to see them, but not be up to much.  Actually, having TWO babies makes it much easier to accept this kind of visit, I imagine, because it actually WILL help to have someone hold one baby while I hold another, and then switch; or change a baby for me, while I'm feeding its twin; and so on, without my feeling like I lose anything. My husband and I may actually be able to take naps... It may actually give me/us both more rest, and more one-on-one time with each baby.  

 

My father-in-law was very sick all winter, had surgery and a long rehab, and wants to make us one of the stops on a long trip he's taking, a little less than a month from now.  It seems this trip - part birdwatching, part seeing family - was the one thing he really focused on as a goal, in recovering.  And he wasn't able to make his usual yearly visit, in the fall.   So I cannot say no.  (I was asked, which I appreciate, even though a refusal seemed impossible; and I wholeheartedly supported his staying elsewhere.)   Unlike usually, he won't be staying with us, which is good, because he's not self-sufficient, yet he'll notice any inadequacies in my housekeeping, meaning more work, all around; and although I like him, he's very grumpy at times, and can seriously stress my husband... and me.  He's been warned that if he's coming then, there's a possibility of our cutting out to the hospital, to try to stop preterm labor, or, worse, have the babies.  Stressful, though.  My mother-in-law basically doesn't travel.  I am wondering if that means we'll be expected to visit for Christmas (as it's their 'turn' and all my immediate family, except a stepfather who's not well, but will be ecstatic to meet the twins, will have come to see our babies, already); or whether there's any chance we can stay home, and visit in the spring.... 


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#12 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 08:11 PM
 
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Family can be quite annoying sometimes. I'm really bad at saying no when it comes to mine, so I always get stuck doing things I really don't want to. I'm pretty sure half my family plans on being in the waiting room while I'm in labor, so absolutely no baby moon for me!  The last babies born in my family were twins that were 6 weeks premature and my aunts and grandma didn't even wait till they were out of the NICU to visit. There were pictures on facebook within hours of the poor babies all hooked up to machines and stuff. :(


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#13 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 09:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SynEpona View Post

Just say "I loved having you visit after the others were born & I'd like to set something up to have you come when this baby is a little bit older,and some of newness has worn off ... I'm sure the older girls will really need your attention & love then when it starts to sink in that the new baby takes so much of my attention."

 

:) That should make sense to them, and be hard to argue with, and if they say they'd planned on coming sooner, you can say 'oh, I wish you'd mentioned something, as we have some local support in place for the first little bit, so we can work on being a new family & I know we'll really appreciate having you here a little bit after .... "


I think this could be a really good angle, and honestly, probably a really wise thing too.  For the first few weeks, your girls will be excited...  They'll want to help with the new baby, and be around the new baby...  BUT, after a few weeks, they'll probably realize that a lot of mom's energy goes in to that new little baby.  It would be so valuable to have that attention for them around that time, rather than right in the beginning.  You can remind your mom, too, that it can be so hard to find help once 3 or 4 weeks has past, when in reality you're still "settling in" at that point.

 

Good luck to you mama.  I'm still trying to figure out how I can keep my mom from coming to visit until, oh, 3 or 4 months after the baby is born.  That woman makes me CRAZY, and I'm so fearful of PPD already...  Having my weight critiqued, and my "constant" breastfeeding, and feeling like I need to entertain.  Ugh.  Except for a few very close friends locally, I think I'm honestly just going to put a sign on the door that says "Go Away" and turn off my phone immediately postpartum this time around.

 


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#14 of 23 Old 05-26-2011, 09:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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    thanks, all....there are some really wise words here. my mom is very sweet and is coming from an angle of TRULY wanting to be helpful......i just really suck when it comes to conversations that are fairly high stakes, kwim? i always twist up what i mean to say and start talking fast and my heart gets going at a crazy rate....when it really does not have to be that way. any hoo, you all talked some calm into me.

 

     i did give my mom a call today, and when it came up she said she and my grandma had been talking and loosely making some ideas and plans, but knew they needed to check with me to see where i was at with what i needed, etc. since her original plans were late july/early august, i told her that it would be very likely that she would come and go before baby even made its entrance. once i started saying that we would need some time to do our family bonding....had some friends that would be helping those first few days.....would love to visit and have her help when i really needed it a little ways after the baby was born.....we were almost talking over each other in my expressing desires/boundaries and her seeming almost apologetic...but not in a passive aggressive way...and saying, "anything you want! we just want to actually be a help. of course we want to meet your new little baby, when it will be a good time for you....."

 

    she even told me that she had her four babies and got to make the rules then, and wanted in no way to be intrusive on my baby time. i had way more ammo then i needed. :) not that i was firing bullets....but, you know. she took it quite gracefully, and did not make me feel bad at all. a big relief. she did, however, tell me that my sis and her 2 year old, 4 year old, and 6 year old might be planning to come and stay with me for 5 days right after the baby is born....

 

   which i am super thankful that i know that is only a pipe dream, as sis and i have talked timelines a little bit much earlier in the pregnancy, and there is no way she could do it with the timing of babe, her school, and her kiddo's school.

 

      holy, holy. my mom and grandma i would take in a bloody minute over adding 3 more kids in the mix of my sweet...endearing...suuuuuper sensitive......high energy...high emotion kiddos right after i give birth. especially since sis and i are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay different in our parenting...uh, philosophies and techniques. wink1.gif

 

 

        thanks, ladies. i think all is well on the uninvited visitor front. thumb.gif


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#15 of 23 Old 05-27-2011, 08:47 AM
 
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I worried so much about my father & SM's intentions to be around immediately after DS1 was born that it was extremely stressful for me (and exH who had to listen to it all).  I finally told my dad I couldn't handle having him here right after the birth & he was fortunately receptive.  Fast forward many years til DS2 and 2nd husband.  New MIL lives in town and I was (I thought) kind enough to let her know when I was going into labor (three weeks early).  I told her I would call again and to NOT come to the hospital until I called back.  She drove directly to the hospital and somehow talked her way in when I was in labor.  DH wasn't even there yet, and in she marched.  Some nurse finally got her out of there, but I still resent the intrusion after over a year.  My experience is different than PP in that I am not close with MIL and don't have the love...but I get the idea!  My only suggestion is that when you do decide to tell her, be very, very firm about it...I am so afraid I will hurt someone else's feelings that I shove my own feelings away sometime, or hide them and DH has to hear all about how irritated I am.  OP, I think some moms think that the absence of their "help" could be perceived as a lack of interest or love and they don't realize that we all have our own way through new parenthood.  I would also say that the "babymooning" concept was not around in previous generation and it might be very foreign.  And, as far as the smoking, I totally get it.  Daycares have to follow OSHA policies mandating that smokers change their clothes if they smoke on their breaks...it's nothing to play around with.  Good luck on your upcoming blessed event, and good luck with family relations.  They can be really, really hard, but I think you are starting out right by setting some loving boundaries early on.


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#16 of 23 Old 05-27-2011, 09:16 AM
 
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Elevena, I know what you mean about worrying conversations with family..... and I'm very glad it's worked out for you so well, this time!


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#17 of 23 Old 05-27-2011, 09:29 AM
 
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Is it okay if I crash this forum? I have a similar issue that I need to work out.

 

My first baby is due in Oct, and my SIL has already invited herself over to see the baby after she's born. I don't want her to come over in the first few weeks, even if she would stay in a hotel as she said, because I don't have a close or even affectionate relationship with her. She is close to my partner, but not to me. Not only that, my partner is in grad school for almost all the day, so if she did come over, he would have to take time off of school to entertain her, be away from me and baby, or else have her visit us at our home. I'm not that keen on any of those, even the last one, because the first time she came to stay in the apartment (before I had moved there), she took one look around and said she would stay in a hotel instead.

 

Any ideas about how to approach this?

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#18 of 23 Old 05-27-2011, 10:18 AM
 
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I am hoping that I don't have to deal with this much.  My mum understands, and I think my MIL is afraid of me. :P  My paternal g-ma is kinda excited about her first great grandkid, but I believe they are coming to the area (my whole family lives around here) before the baby is born.  My maternal g-ma has a billion great grandkids, so it isn't a huge deal.

 

I am going to tell everyone that, if they want to help, they can bring food, pick up and wash our clothes, clean the liter boxes. etc... Social visits will have to wait until I give the green light.


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#19 of 23 Old 05-27-2011, 10:33 AM
 
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Is it okay if I crash this forum? I have a similar issue that I need to work out.

 

My first baby is due in Oct, and my SIL has already invited herself over to see the baby after she's born. I don't want her to come over in the first few weeks, even if she would stay in a hotel as she said, because I don't have a close or even affectionate relationship with her. She is close to my partner, but not to me. Not only that, my partner is in grad school for almost all the day, so if she did come over, he would have to take time off of school to entertain her, be away from me and baby, or else have her visit us at our home. I'm not that keen on any of those, even the last one, because the first time she came to stay in the apartment (before I had moved there), she took one look around and said she would stay in a hotel instead.

 

So I guess I have two people who need to be educated. First my partner, for him to see that it would be intrusive to me and our family, even if she's not staying with us. And then he's going to have to talk to his sister. If he won't do it, I will, but I imagine that will strain our relationship. His sister is a high-needs woman and used to having her way. 

 

The other complicating factor is that we might ask his mother to come after a week or so to help with the baby. The difference is that his mother would actually help with cooking and cleaning, and I love his mom. Really, I have the stereotypical in-law relationship with the sister, not the mom. (To give you an idea of why, his sister demands that my partner call her on mother's day to wish her a happy mother's day, even though she's his sister and not his mom. She just loves attention.)

 

Any ideas about how to approach this?


BeautifulMoon, I'm so sorry this is stressing you out! I'm still pregnant with my first, so I don't actually speak from experience, but I do have some thoughts.  Are you and your DP planning on taking any birth classes together?  The reason I ask is that in my class right now, we are talking about roles that the partner can play in the birth and first few weeks of baby. My DH had been worried that he wouldn't know what to do during the birth to support me, or won't know how to help out at the beginning with baby since he isn't the one feeding. But now he knows a bunch of things that he can do to help out, and is excited to have some special daddy-only things to do. After class was over, we talked about one of his roles as being "the protector" for me. We talked about some of the stresses I will encounter as a new mom, like overbearing family, being judged for breastfeeding in public, etc, and how he can support me by standing up for me and the baby. I don't know how this will play out in the end (we are having overbearing MIL issues right now that I hope get resolved soon!), but I am excited that he is taking responsibility for this, and he seems to like the idea of the "protector" role. I don't know if that angle will work with your relationship dynamic, but I wish you luck in finding a way to have a good baby moon!

 


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#20 of 23 Old 05-27-2011, 11:09 AM
 
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BeautifulMoon, I'm so sorry this is stressing you out! I'm still pregnant with my first, so I don't actually speak from experience, but I do have some thoughts.  Are you and your DP planning on taking any birth classes together?  The reason I ask is that in my class right now, we are talking about roles that the partner can play in the birth and first few weeks of baby. My DH had been worried that he wouldn't know what to do during the birth to support me, or won't know how to help out at the beginning with baby since he isn't the one feeding. But now he knows a bunch of things that he can do to help out, and is excited to have some special daddy-only things to do. After class was over, we talked about one of his roles as being "the protector" for me. We talked about some of the stresses I will encounter as a new mom, like overbearing family, being judged for breastfeeding in public, etc, and how he can support me by standing up for me and the baby. I don't know how this will play out in the end (we are having overbearing MIL issues right now that I hope get resolved soon!), but I am excited that he is taking responsibility for this, and he seems to like the idea of the "protector" role. I don't know if that angle will work with your relationship dynamic, but I wish you luck in finding a way to have a good baby moon!

 


That's such a good idea! I like the idea of telling him what he could do for me. It makes it less of an issue of past relationships, and more about the relationships we'll be negotiating with each other and building with the baby.

 

We are signed up for classes in July, but I thought it would be a good day to head off trouble as early as possible. It's a bit tricky because he feels so obligated to his family and avoids confrontation. So I think I'll need to offer him a way to talk to his sister in the least confrontational way possible. The earlier posts in the thread already gave me ideas about that.

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#21 of 23 Old 06-04-2011, 01:00 AM
 
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Could I crash too? Another similar issue, and I've really been stressing about this...

 

Lately, my MIL has been dropping hints like MAD that she wants (and possibly ..expects..?) to be at the birth. My husband's cousin (Lizzie) recently gave birth, and my MIL was there. She can't stop raving about how special it was to her, and making comments like how helpful she was to Lizzie... even saying as much as "I can't understand why births has turned into such a 'private' things these days... it used to be that all the women family members were invited..." etc. My MIL has also mentioned more than once that she got to watch Brooklynn being born and was the first grandparent to hold her (Brooklynn is my husband's daughter, born 11 years ago, not mine biologically).... ANYWAY, she still hasn't mentioned or asked anything about being at my baby's birth... she just makes lots of obvious comments... she's one of those people who always needs to make her feelings known (whether they are appropriate/polite or not) eyesroll.gif

 

With that said... she is one of the most loving people I know, and she is VERY important in my life... it would kill me to hurt her feelings. But she just CAN'T be at the birth. It's too private of an event for me, and I feel that her presence would easily be more stressful than helpful. I'll already have plenty of support in the room. I don't plan on having my own mother in the room either, but I think she will respect that request a lot more easily than my MIL.

 

I could be worried over nothing... maybe my MIL will be totally sweet about it. Especially because I plan on inviting the parents and in-laws to come meet him soon after he's born, in the birth center. But all the obvious "hinting" she has done about being at the actual BIRTH is starting to stress me out! DH and I plan to reveal our birth plan to the fam in a couple of days. I don't think 'not inviting her to the birth' is such an offensive thing, but I'm worried that she'll be offended no matter WHAT I say.

 

Any ideas about some tactful ways to have that conversation? I'm nervous about finally bringing it up, and I need some support here. DH is definitely on my team, but complaining about his mother definitely gets old for him QUICK... haha!


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#22 of 23 Old 06-04-2011, 11:02 AM
 
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Could I crash too? Another similar issue, and I've really been stressing about this...

 

Lately, my MIL has been dropping hints like MAD that she wants (and possibly ..expects..?) to be at the birth. My husband's cousin (Lizzie) recently gave birth, and my MIL was there. She can't stop raving about how special it was to her, and making comments like how helpful she was to Lizzie... even saying as much as "I can't understand why births has turned into such a 'private' things these days... it used to be that all the women family members were invited..." etc. My MIL has also mentioned more than once that she got to watch Brooklynn being born and was the first grandparent to hold her (Brooklynn is my husband's daughter, born 11 years ago, not mine biologically).... ANYWAY, she still hasn't mentioned or asked anything about being at my baby's birth... she just makes lots of obvious comments... she's one of those people who always needs to make her feelings known (whether they are appropriate/polite or not) eyesroll.gif

 

With that said... she is one of the most loving people I know, and she is VERY important in my life... it would kill me to hurt her feelings. But she just CAN'T be at the birth. It's too private of an event for me, and I feel that her presence would easily be more stressful than helpful. I'll already have plenty of support in the room. I don't plan on having my own mother in the room either, but I think she will respect that request a lot more easily than my MIL.

 

I could be worried over nothing... maybe my MIL will be totally sweet about it. Especially because I plan on inviting the parents and in-laws to come meet him soon after he's born, in the birth center. But all the obvious "hinting" she has done about being at the actual BIRTH is starting to stress me out! DH and I plan to reveal our birth plan to the fam in a couple of days. I don't think 'not inviting her to the birth' is such an offensive thing, but I'm worried that she'll be offended no matter WHAT I say.

 

Any ideas about some tactful ways to have that conversation? I'm nervous about finally bringing it up, and I need some support here. DH is definitely on my team, but complaining about his mother definitely gets old for him QUICK... haha!


I think that paragraph you write is a good start. That she is one of the most loving people you know and you hate the idea of hurting her.

I had to do this talk with my mom, but luckily I'm not known for being tactful so I can just say it. Mine is invited, but I told her that it might happen that we'll boot her out and that's all there is to it ;) She would be very sad as she's never seen a birth and really wants to. At least yours has been to them before, so it's less of an "only chance" thing.

 

Plus, I'm guessing here, but the local birth house rooms are kind of small - not for birthing, but for birthing with audiences. The waiting area is great and that's where the grandparents usually are. I've been getting stressed at the idea of having me, Dusty, my doula, the midwife, the assistant and my mother all in that (beautiful) smallish room. It's not unreasonable to want less people standing about :)

 


Becky

Married to Dusty
Mama to Charlie - born August 15th.

Waiting on number two, due March 17!

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#23 of 23 Old 06-04-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsNewspin View Post

Could I crash too? Another similar issue, and I've really been stressing about this...

 

Lately, my MIL has been dropping hints like MAD that she wants (and possibly ..expects..?) to be at the birth. My husband's cousin (Lizzie) recently gave birth, and my MIL was there. She can't stop raving about how special it was to her, and making comments like how helpful she was to Lizzie... even saying as much as "I can't understand why births has turned into such a 'private' things these days... it used to be that all the women family members were invited..." etc. My MIL has also mentioned more than once that she got to watch Brooklynn being born and was the first grandparent to hold her (Brooklynn is my husband's daughter, born 11 years ago, not mine biologically).... ANYWAY, she still hasn't mentioned or asked anything about being at my baby's birth... she just makes lots of obvious comments... she's one of those people who always needs to make her feelings known (whether they are appropriate/polite or not) eyesroll.gif

 

With that said... she is one of the most loving people I know, and she is VERY important in my life... it would kill me to hurt her feelings. But she just CAN'T be at the birth. It's too private of an event for me, and I feel that her presence would easily be more stressful than helpful. I'll already have plenty of support in the room. I don't plan on having my own mother in the room either, but I think she will respect that request a lot more easily than my MIL.

 

I could be worried over nothing... maybe my MIL will be totally sweet about it. Especially because I plan on inviting the parents and in-laws to come meet him soon after he's born, in the birth center. But all the obvious "hinting" she has done about being at the actual BIRTH is starting to stress me out! DH and I plan to reveal our birth plan to the fam in a couple of days. I don't think 'not inviting her to the birth' is such an offensive thing, but I'm worried that she'll be offended no matter WHAT I say.

 

Any ideas about some tactful ways to have that conversation? I'm nervous about finally bringing it up, and I need some support here. DH is definitely on my team, but complaining about his mother definitely gets old for him QUICK... haha!


dddc to say.....as far as I"m concerned birth is not a spectator sport. My hubby, my midwife, the hospital required nurse and me....that's it.. that's all there was. And I was lucky enough to go in to real labor late in the day so that I didn't call folks until the baby was born.. so no pressure of people hanging out in the waiting room either. Be kind but firm. Most moms only get to do this birthing thing two or three times in their lives.. have it be the way you feel most comfortable.
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