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Birth story of my amazing son - VERY long

953 views 19 replies 13 participants last post by  sarahmck 
#1 ·
Hopefully this will be coherent...I'm tired and typing with a baby on my lap. :)

So most of you know about my false alarm last Thursday when I thought my water broke and started with some contractions, but then nothing...

Okay so Monday (8/1) I did not feel well. I slept bad the night before, was feeling crampy, I felt pukey, and I was just really tired. I had gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep so I e-mailed my boss to ask to work from home. I did after going to the office to pick up some work.. I felt super crampy all day and it was definitely different. More contractions too and stronger than my usual BH.

My mom was driving into town (moving here from MA) and arrived that night. She was supposed to come over for dinner with her friend that drove with her. I wanted to cancel, but I decided this was not labor. However, contractions started getting regular and they "took my attention" as my midwife says. I barely made it through dinner and then asked them to leave. The contractions were all 7-8 minutes apart. I took a shower to help and it didn't work. I got in the tub and it helped slightly, but by then I could tell this was definitely labor. It became pretty intense pretty quick. I lost track of time, but I know we called the midwife when they started really grabbing my attention (I even cried through one) and she arrived a little before 10pm. Baby was born at 2:20am if that tells you anything about how fast it went.

So I did some hypnobirthing stuff and it really helped in the beginning. I was able to control myself through contractions and even started head bobbing in btwn them for awhile. Then things got more intense and it was hard to concentrate on staying calm. In addition, I have adrenal disease (which is well controlled) and I started shaking really bad all over and we didn't know if it was from the labor or from my adrenals so that was worrisome. If it was adrenals, I would need to go to the hospital. That distracted me and worried me so that was not a distraction I needed. I tried different positions in the tub and none really made it better. DH just tried to get me to relax my muscles through contractions to help loosen me up. It did work, but it was really hard. For the most part I was able to breathe through the contractions and it helped to blow bubbles in the water to focus on my breathing instead of my contractions.

I'd say it was probably about 12 now and midwife said I could check myself. I felt a head, but not too low. Through all of this, I still felt the baby was really high which was discouraging. I couldn't tell what was what so I asked her to check me. She did, but she didn't say how far along I was...just that I had made progress and still had work to do. I was feeling like I couldn't do much more. It felt like it was going to be so much longer and I was so tired from not sleeping and I was upset that I wasn't all comatose like the women in the hypnobirthing videos. I complained to DH that I couldn't do it anymore and it hurt so much.

For the majority of the labor, it was just DH and I. Midwife and intern stayed downstairs and left us alone. She checked the heart rate every so often and it was always just perfect. After she had checked me, I leaned forward and was trying a new position in the tub when I felt a pop. My water clearly broke and it was an obvious feeling. Everything was clear. I then violently threw up my dinner. Oh and I should mention that I was a burping maniac throughout the labor. After every contraction I would burp like a man. :) Anyway, thankfully my body took a rest for a minute while I puked, but then it started back up. I felt a little better. I puked again later and this time it was followed by dry heaves and contractions at the same time. Not fun! At this point DH and I were getting worried my adrenals might be having issues since vomiting and shaking are precursors to an adrenal crisis. I took some extra meds to support my adrenals and that helped some.

At this point, I was not handling the contractions well. I had an internal dialogue with myself about the whole thing. I felt like I couldn't keep going, but I knew I didn't want interventions. I just kept telling myself that I just needed to get through the next one, but it was getting harder and harder. There were no breaks in btwn for me to recenter myself. I was practically screaming through contractions at this point and telling DH I couldn't do it anymore. Vocalizing through them helped, but I was clearly getting panicky and was upset with myself for not being more peaceful. DH shut windows and doors so I didn't make the neighbors call the cops. :)

I finally felt like the baby might be moving lower and had a "baby in the butt" feeling my midwife told us about. Although I didn't have an irresistible urge to push, I did a little just to see. I could feel something happening. So I didn't force it, but I let my body push and I could feel something moving down. Even in the moment I knew that it was probably too much too fast, but I couldn't stand the thought of going through a ton more contractions, so I pushed to get it done. It worked. We felt the head inside and then I felt a bulge on the outside. Then with some burning, I felt the head pop out. I reached down and felt the head. It was so surreal. Then with the next contraction, he was out!

I have never been so amazed by anything in my life. I can still see my baby under the water looking up at me. He was so amazing. DH caught him and I pulled him up to my chest. He announced the gender to me. :)

We figured out why baby had not moved down before. The cord was wrapped around his shoulder and then also entirely around his waste. He was totally wrapped up in it and couldn't move down until the last second.

So I tore...second degree. I knew it would happen even when I was pushing. Oh well. Placenta came out just fine. I held the baby on my chest and he just looked up at me over and over with his little wrinkled forehead. He had lots of vernix on his back. He was beautiful right away. I expected him to be kind ugly since most brand new babes I have seen were all purple-ish and puffy. Not him. Of course I am biased. :)

After the placenta came out and the cord was done pulsing, DH cut the cord. They trained the tub with me in it and then gave baby to dad to get me into bed. It was amazing to see DH hold him since I've never seen him hold a baby ever. She checked me and thought I tore and then thought I didn't but then saw I had. She stitched me up. She said she didn't have to and I would heal on my own, but I'd have to be on bed rest until it healed and she thought I'd be happier with stitches. That seemed like it took forever.

Then she did the baby exam. He weighed 7 lbs even and was 21 inches long. He pooped 5 times btwn being born and getting weighed though so he may have been a fw ounces more at birth. :) Apgars of 9 and 10. :)

So all in all, it was about a 4-5 hr labor with 13 minutes of pushing. His heart rate never was off and he was born head down in the right position with no problems. Fantastic outcome. I tore because I was impatient, but oh well.

I'm disappointed in myself though. I feel like I lost control and was embarrassed by my yelling and rants of saying I couldn't do it anymore. I wish I had tried other things like the birthing ball or other things besides the water. I think laying in the water just made me concentrate on the surges more. I didn't expect to be a perfect peaceful mama, but I did not handle it as well as I had expected and it's left me disappointed in myself. :(

Part of me realizes now that I did okay for awhile and then lost it after puking. I realize now that was transition when contractions were one right on top of another and I couldn't stop shaking and puking. I was also worried about transferring because of the adrenal issue. Midwife said when she checked me, I was 4 cm. Good thing she hadn't told me. Less than an hour and half later, baby boy was in my arms. So it was a very intense hour and half. I try to give myself a break about that. It felt like hours and hours, but really it was short for a first time mom.

I'm sore, but recovering just fine. I'm just disappointed in myself and wishing I had done better. I shouldn't wish to do it over again since I got such a perfect baby out of it...maybe it was the exact birth he needed. I just wanted to do better. In the end, I had an intervention free pregnancy, labor, and birth. I didn't have so much as a Tylenol during pregnancy. Baby entered the world when he was ready and went immediately to my chest where he has pretty much been since. He wasn't suctioned and was a beautiful color right away. He cried for a millisecond and then just stared at his mama. The cord was intact until it stopped pulsing. The outcome was everything I had hoped for...I just wish I had been more calm in getting there. Am I being dumb?

Baby boy is still nameless, but we're getting there. He's just so amazing that I need an amazing name to go with him. He is very easy. He never cries and sleeps great. I have to wake him up. He is nursing like a champ and is so healthy. I love him so much!!!

Thanks for reading the novel.
 
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#4 ·
Great story Bree. I don't think you are being dumb but don't sell yourself short. You did an amazing job. Your birthing experience was fast and intense and coupled with the concern of the underlying adrenal issue...You are an amazing momma and it's different for all of us. I too tried hypnobirthing and it wasn't the experience I wanted either but you can read about that when I get around to my birth story.

I love your name choices and I agree with Carrie...even though Liam may be "popular," I love the meaning behind it.
 
#5 ·
he is too cute!

thank you for sharing the birth story and your feelings related to it. I can definitely relate to being critical etc...but YOU DID GREAT!! Really, you are supposed to get in touch w your primal instincts! You birthed a wonderfully healthy boy besides potentially having another medical condition you have interfering. You did not have a quiet birth, what you have seen on the dvds and perhaps what you have imagined to be ideal (we can discuss what "ideal" is by the way)..you had the birth you and your baby boy needed!

you deserve a nice pat on the back and a generous dose of pride.

big congrats on your squishy boy!
 
#6 ·
You did great, Bree :) Your job was to do whatever you needed to do to get that baby out. Everyone was safe. He's gorgeous. You will heal.

We're trained from such a young age to be mannerly and quiet-spoken. Birth is not the time for that. :)
 
#7 ·
Thanks ladies. You know what? I need to keep things in perspective. There are moms out there who didn't get to have their home birth or who had to have a c-section unexpectedly, or had pre-eclampsia ruin their plans. Here I am upset that I didn't handle the contractions as calmly as I liked? What an idiot! Really, I need to chill out. For some reason I just realized how stupid I was being. I got the birth I wanted in terms of place, outcome, and interventions. Maybe next time I'll be better prepared, but at worst, I woke up the neighbors and was a little embarrassed. Suck it up Bree! Anyway, thanks again for the reassurance.
 
#8 ·
Oh mama! What an intense ride! I can relate to SO many of your thoughts in how you handled yourself, and all I can offer is a huge hug. I know how you feel, I was the same way with my first labor (and I'll probably feel the same way after I push this baby out) and I was so embarassed and just wish I'd handled myself differently. Of course baby is healthy and you are healthy and that's "all we should hope for" but no, I hear you. It's hard when we let ourselves down. Know that you aren't alone in these feelings, and I have no doubt that over time you will heal from them. Processing everything takes a long time.

But still, what an amazing birth story, one you should be so proud to tell. You DID IT. No matter what, you did it. You birthed your son at home, with no drugs, no interventions, and no complications. You had a homebirth. You are AMAZING!!

Congratulations again!!
 
#9 ·
There were a lot of things you said in your birth story that kind of reminded me of my own, even though mine was in the hospital and was an induction. I really hope with time you start to feel that disappointment fade away. You are entitled to feel how you feel but when I read your story I can feel how strong you were. Honestly, I have met plenty of people who have done hypnobirthing/hypnobabies that had a very similar experience, helped them keep their composure in the beginning but by the end it was out the window.

I did some pretty heavy screaming/freaking out in transition/pushing with DD. I do hope for this birth to be a little more composed and think it will be a little easier to do since I have done it before, can kind of recognize transition. But I very well may not. I may scream my head off again. And that is just fine because you know, pushing a BABY out of your VAGINA f***ing HURTS, I'm happy for all those people that feel like the purple light is emerging out of the ocean or whatever and can be all zen about it, but I sure didn't feel that way, and I am ok with that.
 
#10 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by JennaW View Post
And that is just fine because you know, pushing a BABY out of your VAGINA f***ing HURTS, I'm happy for all those people that feel like the purple light is emerging out of the ocean or whatever and can be all zen about it, but I sure didn't feel that way, and I am ok with that.
I seriously could not have said it better! Totally, 100% yes to this!!
 
#11 ·
Just kind of adding on to what Carrie said, time helps a lot of things as a Mom. As your son gets older you will realize things you were having freak out sessions about when you were pregnant and when he was a baby are just "drop in a bucket" issues. Once you start to get knowing a lot of others Moms and hear bits and pieces of their birth stories, I feel pretty confident you will start to feel pretty normal in your reaction to labor pains. And feel pretty abnormal (in a good way) that you had a natural birth.

I love the safe haven MDC is but there are also times when I think it builds this image in our mind of what "perfect" parenting looks like, starting with pregnancy and birth. Then you get out IRL, even with like minded Moms and realize very few parents really fit into that image and it is all good because you love your son, he is happy and life goes on.
 
#12 ·
Bree, thanks for sharing your beautiful birth story! Actually, it was great to read your story and hear that it wasn't painless & "perfect" (even though, in reality, it was perfect for and your cutie little boy, right?). I'm going to be experiencing my first birth, a home birth, any day now, and it's good to hear that it's hard work but it can and will be done. Actually, you should be more proud of yourself because of how difficult it was, because you overcame it and now have the most beautiful little boy!
 
#13 ·
Thanks for sharing your story and congrats on your baby. I've done three births now, the first and third being drug free. The third birth is the one where I yelled and panicked and carried on. Sometimes there is no controlling this (it can be so primal...and painful sometimes!) and it sounds like you did an amazing job. You had a natural home birth...you did great. I remember that post partum anxiety about things like this and I bet you will feel better about everything after some time has passed. You should feel proud of yourself mama. Congrats again!
 
#15 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoonToBe View Post

I'm disappointed in myself though. I feel like I lost control and was embarrassed by my yelling and rants of saying I couldn't do it anymore. I wish I had tried other things like the birthing ball or other things besides the water. I think laying in the water just made me concentrate on the surges more. I didn't expect to be a perfect peaceful mama, but I did not handle it as well as I had expected and it's left me disappointed in myself. :(
First off, I think that's a fabulous birth story. Really, truly beautiful. THANK YOU for sharing it with us!!

I think that you need to be way, way easier on yourself. Really. It sounds like you did AMAZINGLY. A big part of birth is losing control. It's a lesson for being a parent, cause mama, a whole lot of being a parent is not having control over a lot of things. You'll get frustrated, you'll have to compromise, you might even curse under your breath (or straight up out loud!), and that's OKAY.

As for not handling it as well as you expected, mama, you had a homebirth. You birthed your baby without drugs, into your partner's hands. You had an intensely fast birth. And YOU did it all! Birth is like death honey, you're the only one who can go on that journey. The fact that you made it, YOU DID IT, says so much about you. There is NO shame or disappointment in that story at all. You tell that birth story to 95% of women, and they are going to be in absolute AWE of your mama juju. And rightfully they should be!
 
#16 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Italiamom View Post

First off, I think that's a fabulous birth story. Really, truly beautiful. THANK YOU for sharing it with us!!

I think that you need to be way, way easier on yourself. Really. It sounds like you did AMAZINGLY. A big part of birth is losing control. It's a lesson for being a parent, cause mama, a whole lot of being a parent is not having control over a lot of things. You'll get frustrated, you'll have to compromise, you might even curse under your breath (or straight up out loud!), and that's OKAY.

As for not handling it as well as you expected, mama, you had a homebirth. You birthed your baby without drugs, into your partner's hands. You had an intensely fast birth. And YOU did it all! Birth is like death honey, you're the only one who can go on that journey. The fact that you made it, YOU DID IT, says so much about you. There is NO shame or disappointment in that story at all. You tell that birth story to 95% of women, and they are going to be in absolute AWE of your mama juju. And rightfully they should be!
yeahthat.gif


bree, your story is beautiful and so is your sweet little man. birth is no contest, and it is rarely graceful, okay? it's so not about that.....yes, yes, yes to losing control. birth is certainly a parenting lesson, and mama, you have now walked the other side. i hope you embrace your own beautiful story, how human and gorgeous it is. snuggle up that sweet little baby!! congrats to you.
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#17 ·
Oh my gosh...you have all made me feel sooooooo much better! I love you guys! Not only do I feel better, you kinda have made me feel more proud. You're right...I did do it. I did it all naturally with my wonderful DH by my side the whole time. Baby has never left my sight. Maybe it wasn't a birth to display in hypnobabies archives, but I did it.

I knew you guys would make me feel better. Thank you for taking the time to read my novel and post such kind words of reassurance.
 
#18 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoonToBe View Post

I knew you guys would make me feel better. Thank you for taking the time to read my novel and post such kind words of reassurance.
Right now, I LOVE the novels. Oh my goodness. They are getting me through these last miserable weeks. And you did a great job writing too!
 
#19 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoonToBe View Post

Oh my gosh...you have all made me feel sooooooo much better! I love you guys! Not only do I feel better, you kinda have made me feel more proud. You're right...I did do it. I did it all naturally with my wonderful DH by my side the whole time. Baby has never left my sight. Maybe it wasn't a birth to display in hypnobabies archives, but I did it.

I knew you guys would make me feel better. Thank you for taking the time to read my novel and post such kind words of reassurance.
We love you, too :)
 
#20 ·
I want to echo what the others have said. I screamed my head off. I am a horrible pusher and that phase took me a long time. Afterwards, my midwife commented to my husband that it could have been faster. They all thought I was working against myself. The same comments were made last time about my pushing stage. I find these comments a bit hurtful, even though I know they're not meant that way. My midwife happens to herself be a good pusher. My friends who have pushed their babies out in three contractions also encouraged me to let go and get out of my head and all that (before the fact, not during labor), but I honestly believe that there are parts of labor that are harder and easier for different bodies and, for me, dilation is pretty straightforward and pushing is virtually impossible. I don't feel the baby descending and it's excruciating. Dilation hurts but it's entirely doable. I think that people who are good at the part that you're not "good" at have trouble understanding that the experience is different for everyone.

On all those peaceful videos where women ooze their babies out, we can be left with the feeling that that's the only way to do it and if we struggle or yell or swear we are somehow less in touch with our bodies or something. But we're pushing out babies out at home in a culture where to do so is really weird (it's not culturally weird for me any more but my first was born at home in America, too) and we should just be proud that we're getting it done and not judge ourselves.
 
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