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#1 of 10 Old 07-30-2011, 05:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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anyone else still with the father of their unborn baby, and experiences relationship bumps? Here lately i just feel were not as close anymore like we use to be. I have told him how i felt and he feels the same, any tips on how to reconnect??


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#2 of 10 Old 07-30-2011, 12:12 PM
 
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Marriage (or long term relationships) are about for better or for worse. The "for worse" times are the ones that really define ourselves, and our relationships. DH and I have had very rough times. Sometimes, it is shocking we are still together. But you know what? We are better in the end. Maybe people leave their partners when it is not at a fun or happy time. But there will always be the low moments, no matter what, no matter who you are with. It is getting through it together that defines you. And defines your life.

 

 

I want to be that 80 yr old or 90 yr old couple who has been together for several decades. I want to grow old. We will have tons of wrinkles, and probably poo problems and no teeth, and difficulty walking. Maybe we will have seen each other through cancer, the deaths of parents, siblings, whomever else. But we will have been together. I hope we are together then. I love my husband. I cannot always say that. And many years, I felt like I had one foot out the door, and so did he. 

 

I hope this helps!

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#3 of 10 Old 07-30-2011, 12:14 PM
 
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I should add, we have been together over 18 yrs. I was so convinced we were not staying together, and so was he, that our children do not even have his last name. We just added his name to our daughter's certificate a year ago. She is 15 now. So yeah, a lot of tough times. And I am sure there will be tough times ahead too.

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#4 of 10 Old 07-30-2011, 01:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommy2be2011 View Post

anyone else still with the father of their unborn baby, and experiences relationship bumps? Here lately i just feel were not as close anymore like we use to be. I have told him how i felt and he feels the same, any tips on how to reconnect??


Pregnancy can be hard on relationships, especially that first pregnancy where everything is new and there is no personal experience to fall back on.  Do you have the Sears Pregnancy Book, Our Bodies Our Selves Pregnancy & Birth, Kitzinger's Pregnancy & Childbirth, or other book that has a section on intimacy and connection druing pregnancy?  It's really common for moms-to-be to feel touched out or focused inward or simply not in good enough shape to do the things they used to do... and really common for partners to feel left out of the pregnancy physically and emotionally for a whole variety of reasons. 

 

Talking about your specific feelings and needs and hopes and concerns... all that "good partner stuff" is crucial!  If you feel like the physical intimacy element has gone astray, a plain old shoulder or foot rub can be a great way to connect.  Books like Mother Massage have lots of great ideas for massage during pregnancy, but snuggling, a scalp rub, rubbing each others' hands or feet... any of those are easy ways to connect physically that don't take a lot of time and energy.  Setting regular weekly (or more often) "dates" sounds amazingly cheesy but can also be a great way to connect.  I found that if I KNEW I had a "date" with DH planned for that evening I could budget my energy throughout the day and actually be awake/interested instead of exhausted and falling over and totally not in the mood.  And DH knew that while I might make the first move on other nights, or be open to his making a suggestion about some "adult time", if it wasn't "planned in advance" there was a good chance I would just be too tired and he needed to be ok with that.   

 

For emotional intimacy, sharing a movie or a picnic, going out to eat at a favorite restaurant, making and sharing a weekend brunch with foods you don't usually make... playing silly party games (like those "would you rather X or Y?" books or MadLibs) or more involved games like scrabble or cards or chess or checkers (or learning some classic games you'll be able to play with your child... Candyland or Shoots&Ladders or Connect4 or the Very Hungry Caterpillar Game) can be fun too.  Making musical play lists for each other, leaving random "I love you" notes hidden about the house (DH and I have a small notebook... we take turns writing I love you messages and then hiding the notebook for the other to find), and so on... a bit sappy, but again, think "early dating" ideas and then just make them sillier and more fun!

 

And in the end... just remember that pregnancy is tough.  It's physically and emotionally demanding.  And life with a newborn is equally tough!  There is a lot of sleep deprivation and physical discomfort and plain old exhaustion involved.  Making sure you're talking and being honest with each other is key.  And right now you have a great opportunity to build a strong foundation for the future.  :)  Just hang in there!


 

 


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#5 of 10 Old 08-01-2011, 04:29 PM
 
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I am with you.  Due to some trust issues and many other things which make for a long story, my BF and I have really become disconnected, and came very close to breaking up just a few weeks ago.  It's hard being pregnant, and we haven't been together very long.  The hormones and nervousness about having a new baby are just adding to everything, making it hard.  We're trying to reconnect, but it's difficult because he feels like I'm "pushing" him too much, but when I try to back off and give him time to come around, I get worried that the longer we take to find that connection again, the harder it will be.  I wish I had some advice for you, but just want you to know you're not alone.  Relationships are so hard, and pregnancy seems to exacerbate those difficulties so much.  I found the same thing with my ex-husband when I was pregnant with my other kids.  I hope you two can find a way to work through whatever difficulties you are having.


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#6 of 10 Old 08-02-2011, 01:07 PM
 
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How are things going today?

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#7 of 10 Old 08-04-2011, 12:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thank you all for commenting.

lisa-- today im not so sure how it will turn out. he works 1st shift so i dont see him til around 4, its hard telling his mood..

 

another thing that i think it may be from( are disconnection) is from me being on pevlic rest as well. im kind of hoping maybe its just us feeling distant from the lack of sex.. i hope that may be it, but if not then im not sure where to go from there. i feel like he doesnt do enough for me emotionally. fiancially he does but he doesnt seem to understand i want more emotional reassurance.


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#8 of 10 Old 08-06-2011, 05:21 AM
 
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((hugs))

 

Have you spoken with your provider about what pelvic rest guidelines you need to follow?  With my first pregnancy I had a lot of unexplained bleeding and was on pelvic rest for several months.  In my case I was told I had to avoid anything "penetrative" but that I didn't have to avoid "uterine contractions" so anything non-penetrative was still ok.  Your case may be different, but care providers know that pregnancy can stress relationships and pelvic rest can add a whole extra layer of difficulty so do ask (if you haven't already) what /exactly/ you can and can't do.

 

Hope this weekend goes better...


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#9 of 10 Old 08-09-2011, 03:19 PM
 
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i'm with you mommy2be and rareimer.  my dh and i have not been connecting at all lately.  he is emotionally closed off on a good day, add my being pregnant and forget it.  we barely even talk about the fact that i am pregnant at all.  he hardly ever asks me how i'm feeling, he doesn't offer to help around the house-even when i ask he isn't really up for it.  he's usually a pretty affectionate guy, but that all disappears once i'm pregnant.  i didn't even tell him that i was pg for 6-7 weeks after i found out, bc i was so not looking forward to the rejection again.  i'm afraid to even tell him the names i've been thinking about because i know he'll object just on principle-he likes to bait me this way.  i've really been trying to carve out some alone time, or even family time with him, lately, but sometimes he's willing and sometimes he's not.  this is how he was when i was pg with ds, so i'm hoping it will pass once i deliver.  i really try to give him his space when he needs it and all, but most of the time i just feel like i'm going through this pregnancy alone.  not fun :*(


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#10 of 10 Old 08-17-2011, 02:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dfunk98 View Post

i'm with you mommy2be and rareimer.  my dh and i have not been connecting at all lately.  he is emotionally closed off on a good day, add my being pregnant and forget it.  we barely even talk about the fact that i am pregnant at all.  he hardly ever asks me how i'm feeling, he doesn't offer to help around the house-even when i ask he isn't really up for it.  he's usually a pretty affectionate guy, but that all disappears once i'm pregnant.  i didn't even tell him that i was pg for 6-7 weeks after i found out, bc i was so not looking forward to the rejection again.  i'm afraid to even tell him the names i've been thinking about because i know he'll object just on principle-he likes to bait me this way.  i've really been trying to carve out some alone time, or even family time with him, lately, but sometimes he's willing and sometimes he's not.  this is how he was when i was pg with ds, so i'm hoping it will pass once i deliver.  i really try to give him his space when he needs it and all, but most of the time i just feel like i'm going through this pregnancy alone.  not fun :*(


im with u in that boat as well. my bf doesnt even ask me how im feeling even on my worst days all he says is im so sexy. which pisses me off more bcuz im not feeling good and i look like a wreck without a shower. ( i have fibromyalgia) so that makes most days difficult and im on bed rest and he still doesnt do much to help me around the house. says ok but doesnt do a damn thing.

 


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