I need help on annoucing to grandparents.... not good news to them... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 02-07-2011, 11:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My story isn't perfect, like those of a fairy tale. I have 2 kids with My ex husband. I left him because he used me and abused me. He would party all night/wee,k long, never help around the house, never help, barely took care of the kids, etc. All in all, without getting my blood boiling about him, I will just say, it was in my kid's and my interest to end the relationship.

 

My mom has been caring for my son's since they were born while I work. I have never asked them for help aside that. The biggest reason I feel comfortable with that (aside the obvious pluses) is because my mom does not work, as my parent's own their own company. My sister left for college, so 8-9 hrs a day, 6 days a week, she is home alone. So she loves having them. I never gave them money because on one income I had no "spare" money. It was all bills, but I did supply everything my children needed. Clothes, food, diapers wipes etc.

 

About 6 months after I finally kicked my ex husband out, after purchasing my own house on my own, my own car, doing it all on my own, I met the most wonderful of man. He is my dream come true, as I am his. He is my perfect lover. Not flawless, but to me, my needs wand wants, he is perfect. As cheesy as it sounds, we fell in love at first sight, and have been inseparable ever since. We feel like our connection is deeper than anyone could imagine. Before I aid those in the first trimester with their morning sickness with my story, let me move on :-)

 

Over the months our connection got closer and closer. He treats my kids as if they were his own, even though their "father" is in their lives, only when I ask in the rare times that my mom can not (he never calls, sees them, asks about them etc). My kids are 18 months and a little over 3 yrs old. Luckily all of this hasn't affected them much. I try to keep their lives as normal as possible. If anything their lives have gotten better because now there is a father figure who is actually around and teaches them things and spends lots of time with them. Seeing how great of a mother I was to my children, and how deeply in love we are, he started having really strong urges to have a child and get married. I also wanted another child. We sat down and came up with a 5 year plan, which included a wedding and a baby. Around 2013. Well, plans are just that, plans. They didn't quite stick. . It's not bad news for us, it's something we really wanted. I wanted to wait more than my love as he has no kids of his own, so I have a little more of a fix than him. So he is even more excited than I am. Don't get me wrong, I am excited too, I just don't quite like when things don't go as planned, but there is always plan B :-)

 

So after I just bored you with my story... here is my dilemma. Telling my parents. My love and i have only been together for about 6 months. No one understands the type of love that we have. I've been in a good handful of relationships, Longest ones being 5 years and 4 years, so I know what "lust" and "love" is. But with no one else understanding, that is all they will see, the time frame. It has been over a year since I officially ended things with my ex, although it ended long ago. For some that is way too soon. But for some that's a long time. To me, I don't see it as either. I see it as things will happen, when they are meant to happen. I can deal with those not really close to me thinking bad "thoughts" about me because of it, the good always comes with the bad. Those that care about me know how I truly am, how much I care about myself and my children, and know that I will do whatever I need to to make sure that my children have everything they need. So all in all the negative from the acquaintances don't affect me. What affects me the most is my parents...

 

When my parents found out about baby #2, it was nothing but bad news to them. Even baby #1. Everything I do is a disappointment to them. Does not matter that I am independent from everyone and everything. Doesn't matter how much I have done for my kids and I on my own. Because I didn't get my college degree, get married, waited and then had kids, everything I do is wrong. My dad even looks down on me because I left my kid's father, even though it was the best thing for the 3 of us, yet alone date someone. When I started dating my love, I started to have more spare money, and since them I've been paying my mother to help out. Almost as much as paying for daycare.

 

I need to tell my parents. I am waiting for the last possible moment, pretty much where I can't hide a growing bump. The shorter time I have between them knowing and me having the baby, the less time I will have to hear the negative comments when I see them (at least, minimum one time a week). Being baby #3, that time is quite short. No matter how I tell them it will be bad news to them. With baby #2 I put the ultrasound at 12 weeks in the xmas card, which practically ruined xmas eve. My dad wouldn't even talk to me. He was ashamed. I don't really have a relationship with them. I moved out when I was 18 because I didn't like being around them and all the negativity. You are too skinny, too fat, i don't like what you wear, pretty much "I don't like you not being me in every way". I don't know how to tell them, as just talking to them is awkward, makes me sick just thinking about it. Then on top of it how to handle the comments after. This is such a joyus occasion for me, I love children, and I would have as many as I could afford comfortably. they love my kids, and will love this one just as much. But being pregnant is hard enough, yet alone dealing with bad comments. I can't change their mind, I can't stop them from thinking negative of me, nothing I can do can make them look at me with proud eyes. I just need advice. Maybe someone here has a similar daughter/parent relationship. I can't just tell them and avoid them unless I need to see them, I see them every day. I can put my kids in daycare, but that would be putting myself, my wants to not listen to the bad comments, over my kids, as they would be taken care of better with my mom. I just don't know. Although everything changes with another baby, I am gladly making sacrifices with a smile, yet this is what brings me down... :-(

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#2 of 12 Old 02-07-2011, 11:48 AM
 
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I need to tell my parents. I am waiting for the last possible moment, pretty much where I can't hide a growing bump. The shorter time I have between them knowing and me having the baby, the less time I will have to hear the negative comments when I see them (at least, minimum one time a week). Being baby #3, that time is quite short. No matter how I tell them it will be bad news to them. With baby #2 I put the ultrasound at 12 weeks in the xmas card, which practically ruined xmas eve. My dad wouldn't even talk to me. He was ashamed. I don't really have a relationship with them. I moved out when I was 18 because I didn't like being around them and all the negativity. You are too skinny, too fat, i don't like what you wear, pretty much "I don't like you not being me in every way". I don't know how to tell them, as just talking to them is awkward, makes me sick just thinking about it. Then on top of it how to handle the comments after. This is such a joyus occasion for me, I love children, and I would have as many as I could afford comfortably. they love my kids, and will love this one just as much. But being pregnant is hard enough, yet alone dealing with bad comments. I can't change their mind, I can't stop them from thinking negative of me, nothing I can do can make them look at me with proud eyes. I just need advice. Maybe someone here has a similar daughter/parent relationship. I can't just tell them and avoid them unless I need to see them, I see them every day. I can put my kids in daycare, but that would be putting myself, my wants to not listen to the bad comments, over my kids, as they would be taken care of better with my mom. I just don't know. Although everything changes with another baby, I am gladly making sacrifices with a smile, yet this is what brings me down... :-(

 


I'm not in your DDC, but I saw your post and just wanted you to think about something.  I bolded two parts of your paragraph above that stood out to me as being contradictory.  Are your children really better being taken care of by your mom?  Is this the same mom that you moved away from when you were 18 because of how how negative a place it was?  Is that the kind of negativity you want your children growing up with as well?  Just something to think about.

 

Beyond that, given the way they have responded to baby news in the past I don't feel like you have any obligation to tell them much.  It's up to you whether you want to just sit them down and tell them, or wait for them to notice and then let them know.


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#3 of 12 Old 02-07-2011, 12:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for the reply. You know, I never really thought about it that way. They are never negative with the kids. Anything that's my "problem" they will tell me only when the kids aren't around. This may change once they are old enough to understand but by then she wont have them 9 hours a day 5 days a week. They never really got negative often until I became a teenager. I think they got protective as most parents do, but past my comfort level. Where I couldn't just be me.

 

The first time they found out through a family member who couldn't keep it a secret, that didn't go well, second time didn't go well. I've been very bloated since I got pregnant ( 6 weeks now) so I"m actually waiting for my mom to make a comment. I will probably say yes, and then let pandora's box open up.

 

I can stand negativity, I'm a strong person, but over and over again, as if I was such a horrible person, it's hard to take. My friends look UP to me, and I'm the  "youngest". I know I"m a good person, a strong woman, a wonderful wife. But it's hard to get past comments sometimes... I'm trying to learn to be strong, but a mother can only be so strong about certain things you know?

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#4 of 12 Old 02-07-2011, 01:30 PM
 
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I think I would tell them at the end of a gathering. Not at the beginning where you have to endure hours of their negativity. Just tell them when you are ready and let them know you are over the moon excited! Just leave it at that. If they begin to get negative just tell them you don't want to surround the pregnancy with negativity nor do you want your other kids to pick up on any negativity. Tell them, pretend your are happy for us if you have to but we are excited and the baby is coming into a loving situation.

 

Good luck!


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#5 of 12 Old 02-07-2011, 02:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CrunchyChristianMama View Post


 

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Originally Posted by Mami Love View Post


I need to tell my parents. I am waiting for the last possible moment, pretty much where I can't hide a growing bump. The shorter time I have between them knowing and me having the baby, the less time I will have to hear the negative comments when I see them (at least, minimum one time a week). Being baby #3, that time is quite short. No matter how I tell them it will be bad news to them. With baby #2 I put the ultrasound at 12 weeks in the xmas card, which practically ruined xmas eve. My dad wouldn't even talk to me. He was ashamed. I don't really have a relationship with them. I moved out when I was 18 because I didn't like being around them and all the negativity. You are too skinny, too fat, i don't like what you wear, pretty much "I don't like you not being me in every way". I don't know how to tell them, as just talking to them is awkward, makes me sick just thinking about it. Then on top of it how to handle the comments after. This is such a joyus occasion for me, I love children, and I would have as many as I could afford comfortably. they love my kids, and will love this one just as much. But being pregnant is hard enough, yet alone dealing with bad comments. I can't change their mind, I can't stop them from thinking negative of me, nothing I can do can make them look at me with proud eyes. I just need advice. Maybe someone here has a similar daughter/parent relationship. I can't just tell them and avoid them unless I need to see them, I see them every day. I can put my kids in daycare, but that would be putting myself, my wants to not listen to the bad comments, over my kids, as they would be taken care of better with my mom. I just don't know. Although everything changes with another baby, I am gladly making sacrifices with a smile, yet this is what brings me down... :-(

 


I'm not in your DDC, but I saw your post and just wanted you to think about something.  I bolded two parts of your paragraph above that stood out to me as being contradictory.  Are your children really better being taken care of by your mom?  Is this the same mom that you moved away from when you were 18 because of how how negative a place it was?  Is that the kind of negativity you want your children growing up with as well?  Just something to think about.

 

Beyond that, given the way they have responded to baby news in the past I don't feel like you have any obligation to tell them much.  It's up to you whether you want to just sit them down and tell them, or wait for them to notice and then let them know.



that is exactly what i was thinking. and right now they are babies... cute and funny. but 3 to 4 and so on is when they really get little personalities and become people. what if they decide they don't like one of them (like they did to you). it isn't worth it. fwiw, i met my dh while in a serious relationship with someone else. i finally broke it off with the abusive ex and dh  and i were pregnant and married 6 mos later. if you know he is the one and you are happy then that is all that matters. your parents will never approve so why do you even have to share the news? they will figure it out eventually and they can keep the comments to themselves. share with people who will be happy and celebrate with you. life is too short. i'd also arrange alternative childcare. what if they really aren't pleased and take it out on the kids? become resentful? it really isn't worth it. i wouldn't completely cut them out if they are good grandparents, but i'd for sure line up a back up childcare situation.


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#6 of 12 Old 02-07-2011, 04:11 PM
 
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I was thinking the same thing as Elizabeth. It's certainly something to consider.

 

Unless you are hoping for your mom to watch baby #3 as well I wouldn't stress too much about telling them asap. It really sucks when people can't just be happy for others. Especially when it comes to them conceiving children they very much want and will love. If they get upset about you NOT telling them I would point out how it seemingly ruined their day/week/month whatever the last 2 times and you didn't want to 'burden' them with the news before you needed to.

 

((hugs))


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#7 of 12 Old 02-07-2011, 05:30 PM
 
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There is some really wise advice here. I see some similarities between our situations...my love and I met 6 months ago and now I am moving and pregnant. My dad did not have a lovely reaction to my news...I think he's worried for me and he is sad the kids will be much farther away from him....and he's kind of reactive....but he called the next day and apologized for his words. That's how a healthy relationship works, and he is doing everything he can to help me with a move that he's still not sure I should make..that's support. The ladies above who point out the negativity in your relationship are right. That can't help but be part of their relationship with your children. I honor your words of self love...good job...extend that to making sure your kids are not exposed to negative comments or attitudes about you. Blessings mama. You're doing great.

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#8 of 12 Old 02-07-2011, 07:04 PM
 
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I think you got some really great advice here. The only thing I would add would be that maybe the change for the kids care, (as in removing them from her care) might be a good thing. I might just be  key piece to the fresh start you are working on.

 

I hope that this turns out to indeed be easy for you than you fear!

 

Hugs Momma!


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#9 of 12 Old 02-08-2011, 06:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, I am shocked at all of the advice and support! Very good information from everyone, I haven't really thought about these things. My mom is a very sweet person, but my dad kind of influences her. So if he doesn't like something he pretty much brainwashes her into thinking it's a bad thing. Unfortunetly they aren't ones to say their negative comments then come back and say "I'm sorry" It's more of, whatever you think, we are right, you are wrong, just wait and see. They swore up and down that I would fail and move back into their home, because I couldn't make it on my own. I have yet to move back in and I am very proud for what I've done on my own. They are only proud that I bought a house. But not proud that I dont have a college degree or bought a car they wouldn't have bought. And not so much as a "daughter, you really should get a college degree" more of a "why are you failing and not having a degree" I understand they care and want the best, but what's best in their eyes, isn't best for me. I need to do things that make me happy. As long as my kids are taken care of, and not minimalistic, they are in a lovely home, being fed and not starving, and they are happy, that's what matters right?

 

I took the boys to Disney for a weekend, all by myself, pushing a double stroller around, taking them on rides, all on my own, and my dad just gave me this vibe of "well it's your fault for doing it on your own" (because I left their father who weighed me down) I mean what is that? Why can't your praise me? I am happy with my life, I love my life, I love my kids, and my love. Isn't that what life is all about,m being happy, safe and loved? Everyone has different mentalities of life, and the road they think is right, but the over all goal is still the same. I shouldn't be looked down upon by my own dad because I didn't take the path he wanted me to.

 

Anyways... sorry everyone for venting, but it feel great being able to talk about it. I really appreicte all of the advice. I'm not too sure I want to take them away from my mom's care as she is very loving with them and goes out of the way to take care for them better than any daycare. Once they get to a point where I think she may try to influence (which I don't think she will, It's mainly my dad that's always negative and he is at work while my kids are at my mom's. But I will keep an eye out and see if I see "warning" signs.

 

I almost pulled my youngest away from her care. I was adament on NO formula and full breastfeeding. For a year i used my breaks at work to pump milk for him. She would contradict my research and say 3-4 hr ever 3 hours was too little, he is hungry, I'm starving him. I told her that she need to keep him entertained after he drinks the bottle so that his stomach has time to tell his brain that he is full. I had to stand my ground over and over, about no formula, no cereal til 6 months, no this no that. I could understand the worry but even after the arguing she respected my wishes. Just wish it wasn't a constant fight! The big influence behind that is that docs told her when I was a baby that breast milk is not enough, and her mom was also here and would say he is starving he needs to eat more etc. They aren't as up to date with new studies but not too open minded every day about new research.

 

I'm not sure if she will be caring for my 3rd. She has areas set up in her home with their clothes and toys etc (she is a perfectionist so her house is like "perfectly" set up and organized) I would like for her to watch baby #3, and I'm hoping that if she does that we don't have the breastfeeding issue again. She sees how healthy my youngest is and has living proof, not just research. But he is a very very small kid (I'm 5'3 father is 5'7) and might use the "he turned out small" excuse. Goodness, I wish it could be easier! I just want to be like mom, I know you care, but please let me care for my children like I would like to, times have changed etc. But it would only work for a little while until my dad influences her some more.

 

I am taking everyone's advice, and at least having that backup. My love's mother has suggested quitting her job and taking care of all 3, but she lives far from us and the waste in gas and drive (as we'd have to drive through the worst traffic here every day) would make me want to take them to my mom's instead.

 

I think I am going to wait for me to show and her just ask. She will probably say I am gaining weight for a while then probably figure it out. My love thinks we should just let her know and get it done and over with, but I told him that he isn't the one that will have to deal with the negativity. So he says he will stand up for me, so I then explained that it wont matter, they just wont say something in front of him. He has a really good relationship with his mom. He can go to her about everything and her not judge, just support and make the best of it. So he doesn't quite get it. The shortest time I can go from them knowing and having the child, which is when the comments would cool down about what a mistake I was to have another, the better it is for me.

 

I'm not sure how daycare would go once baby #3 is here. I have my finances planned out for daycare for 3. My oldest wont be able to start school because of his age until he is 5 (turning 6, 5 days after starting school), and my 2nd child would start right after. Until then I need to figure out care. My parent' sown their own business and my mom sometimes has to go to the showroom. Taking an infant was easy because they are on schedules and sleep a lot, but taking toddlers they want to be outside running and when they can't they get bored (such as raining and cold) So my 2 just go to their father those few times. I like to plan MONTHS in advanced, so the plus in her knowing sooner than later is me knowing if she would want to watch all 3, and me pay her more (which would be less than daycare as infants are so expensive) which would help my parents out as like a second income without my mom having to work somewhere outside of home. Or if she wont feel comfortable with 3 and they would have to go to daycare. Or my two and her watch the infant. Etc. I'm sure you get my point.

 

I hate not knowing... (hard enough waiting to see your new bundle of joy right??)

 

If you have read all of this I TRULY TRULY appreciate it. It is nice to just get things off my chest and be able to confide with other mommies. My friends have heard these things so much that they are out of things to say to me.

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#10 of 12 Old 02-08-2011, 07:45 AM
 
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Vent away, mama! Sounds like a difficult situation. My MIL isn't super excited about another baby but she doesn't watch mine so it's not an issue for us. I can only imagine that it could be really stressful. Maybe you can just tell your mom on her own, without your dad there. And then just avoid your dad. lol


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#11 of 12 Old 02-09-2011, 06:20 PM
 
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I think it's funny (and not in a "haha" sort of way) that no matter how our parents are, how they've treated us, whether they're great and encouraging, or unsupportive and abusive, we always seem to put way too much hope in what they think of us as adults.

Really, when it comes down to it, you are an adult, and you can make your own decisions. They can be as pleased as punch, or as ticked off as they want-it's not their decision.

 

I know, all in all, we want our parents' blessings. But if not having their blessing causes this much stress, respectfully tell them that you'll be having a baby, with or without their approval. They can either be grandparents, or pout about it. What's done is done.

 

And by the way, while you don't have a the typical fairy tale, it still sounds like a very sweet story, and I'm happy for you, that you'll be having a baby with someone who loves and appreciates you and your children. That means more than any 5+ years relationship.


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#12 of 12 Old 02-12-2011, 07:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by corrabelle View Post

I think it's funny (and not in a "haha" sort of way) that no matter how our parents are, how they've treated us, whether they're great and encouraging, or unsupportive and abusive, we always seem to put way too much hope in what they think of us as adults.

Really, when it comes down to it, you are an adult, and you can make your own decisions. They can be as pleased as punch, or as ticked off as they want-it's not their decision.

 

I know, all in all, we want our parents' blessings. But if not having their blessing causes this much stress, respectfully tell them that you'll be having a baby, with or without their approval. They can either be grandparents, or pout about it. What's done is done.

 

And by the way, while you don't have a the typical fairy tale, it still sounds like a very sweet story, and I'm happy for you, that you'll be having a baby with someone who loves and appreciates you and your children. That means more than any 5+ years relationship.



Thank you very much for those kind words. I've always been one open minded to all types of lifestyles as I know that what makes one happy doesn't make another.

It's so hard for me to "talk" to my parents. I have the weirdest relationship with them. Like i care about them, and the other way around, but i have never been able to talk to them. It's extremely awkward. I think it started with the fact that no mater what I talked to them about they pointed out nothing but the negative. If there was one negative, it made everything about that bad, and that was it, no more to it. SO the thought of actually sitting down my mom and just telling her "umm we're pregnant again" terrifies me. I think even if my situation was "perfect" in their eyes, i'd be terrified. I can talk to anyone else just fine, but my parents, that's just scary.

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