DH upset over pregnancy.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 02-26-2011, 08:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hello mommas!

 

I have a 16 month old DS and just failed a pregnancy test yesterday. So I am due Oct. 28.  I cried, I'm sad but also happy (not planned). DH is upset, first says we cannot afford another baby ( we can) then says that he cannot "handle" another baby....

 

I, on the otherhand, am happy that DS will have a sibling not too far apart in years. We're not rich (I'm a teacher, he works in water treatment) but we can afford the extra childcare.

 

IDK, I guess I just wondered if anyone else had a similar experience and had some words of encouragement...

 

Thank you :)

 

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#2 of 16 Old 02-26-2011, 09:02 AM
 
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Similar reaction at my house after I first told him. My advice to you? Do whatever you two do after one of your worst arguments. In my case, I gave him space, let him vent and sort through his feelings and thoughts out on his own after I reminded him that we were in this together. On my end, I spent a lot of time in prayer asking for patience for myself and that dh would come round. He did, wonderfully.

 

Hang in there. Be sympathetic and supportive. It took us around two weeks before the black cloud started lifting. Now, he's awesome and completely on board.

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#3 of 16 Old 02-26-2011, 11:31 AM
 
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I have to say it makes me very sad to read that you "failed" a pregnancy test because you are expecting a baby. Congratulations on your little one, and I hope your husband will come around.Whatever is bothering him is not this baby's fault. 


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#4 of 16 Old 02-26-2011, 12:57 PM
 
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I don't have experience with this, as all my pregnancies have been planned, but I wanted to say congrats! 


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#5 of 16 Old 02-26-2011, 01:04 PM
 
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Ours have all been planned (or "poorly planned" as we often say...), and my husband still has sometimes had negative/mixed feelings when we get the positive pregnancy test.  He needs time (sometimes it feels like half the pregnancy or more) to really adjust to the idea.

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#6 of 16 Old 02-26-2011, 03:16 PM
 
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Well, I think it's normal for him to have concerns about providing for the baby and being ready, etc...but a baby is a blessing, and any guy who's "pissed" when you're pregnant...well, let's just say if I was in that situation, it wouldn't be pretty. Let's hope he gets over it. I'm sure he will, guys suck at handling stress...just be strong and congrats on your little person! <3

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#7 of 16 Old 02-26-2011, 08:30 PM
 
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Give him some time.  Most men who feel this way (There are Lots) will come around with time. 

It's possible you'll have to table the entire discussion for days, not speaking to him about it, to give him that space. 

 

Planned or unplanned, I think some "oh shit" feelings are normal.  Babies are a BIG deal. 

Hopefully he doesn't say something he can't take back that he really regrets later. 


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#8 of 16 Old 02-26-2011, 08:58 PM
 
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Crashing in from August. This pg was a bit of a surprise, not particularly planned, I had never conceived easily while bfing, so while we (apparently mostly I despite me telling him) knew it was a possibility, the timing wasn't planned out. If all that makes sense! Anyway, when I discovered I was pg, DH was not thrilled in the least, and that really is an understatement. He was very similar in his words that he could not handle another child as well. I am 17 weeks, I can't say he is excited, but has accepted it is happening and is gradually making peace with it. He still needs more time I can tell. I am comfortably enough that I just don't speak of it much still, as time goes on, he is starting to bring it up himself and not in just negative ways. So yep, it can be a slow process, just hang in the there. 


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#9 of 16 Old 02-27-2011, 05:01 AM
 
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I know what you mean about "failing" a test. This was an unplanned and surprise pregnancy (we were using birth control and I am nursing... I guess we are in that small "failure" percentage). I feel kind of guilty putting it that way b/c I know all the people out there trying to get pregnant, worrying about why they aren't, etc.

 

My DH was not happy. Its been a week and he is coming around to it. He told me after a few days that he wants me to know he's not mad, just scared and worried. (we really *can't* afford another, but thats another story. I mean, we'll figure it out. There are other reasons, having to do with my schooling, that make this timing extremely inconvenient). I have to assume that both of us will come to a place of acceptance and even joy before the birth of our baby. Its happening a lot faster for me I think.

 

DH just started a new job after 2 months unemployed, and can't take any days off, so I'll be interviewing midwives, applying for medicaid, all that stuff on my own. I wish he could be involved in the process, but I kind of think that its good to take care of some of those logistics, so at least he can see those things come together.

 

So like others say... give him some time. And yourself.

 

My DH has made a few jokes about it, so that is a start :)


dissertating mom to three

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#10 of 16 Old 02-27-2011, 08:50 AM
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hug.gif mama.

 

Unplanned pregnancy here as well, though in our case, I was the one who was more upset, and then was a little upset with DH for not freaking out along with me!

 

Five weeks later, we're both wrapping our heads around the idea and getting used to it. I hope your DH comes around with a little time.


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#11 of 16 Old 03-04-2011, 11:45 AM
 
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*hugs*. DH was way happy and excited about it. I was not. Very much unplanned. DD is only 6 months and I wanted to wait till she was at least 1 before actually trying. We weren't using protection so I knew yeah it could happen I just didn't think it would happen that easy if at all. DD took 7 yrs to get so I figured she was just a miracle and in a lot ways figured she would be an only. 

I am happy now but it took about 2 weeks for me to get there. 

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#12 of 16 Old 03-04-2011, 01:28 PM
 
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Hugs, mama. That's hard, I'm sorry you're not getting the reaction & support you could use. Like others have said, though, I do think it's really common & normal. So many partners seem to need quite a bit of time to "grow into" the idea, and the fears about providing and doing another baby may well come from a place of loving concern. For my dh he cares so much about our kids and always feel doubt that he is an adequate father. :( I think he's an awesome father.

 

This time around (our third) was our only "on purpose" one - actually the idea came very heavily from his side! He kinda talked me into trying. So imagine my surprise when he was as shell shocked as the other times, and is filled with fear and anxiety and doesn't want to share the news with anyone! irked.gif

Seriously?!

 

I've decided to trust that he will warm up to it slowly. With #2 it took him... oh, upwards of 8 months, lol. Finally in the labor I felt like he really engaged, no kidding. It was a rough time in our marriage so that's another story. But now he constantly says how he can't imagine his life without dd2, and I'm willing to trust that he will come around now too. Fortunately there are many women in my life who will have appropriate thrilled reactions, lol! ;)

 


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#13 of 16 Old 03-04-2011, 06:00 PM
 
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Best wishes to you and your family as you adjust to the news. We were not preventing pregnancy at all, but after 5 years of trying to have a baby with no success, we figured birth control wasn't too important at this point. I was completely blown away by the positive pregnancy test, and while I'm happy, I still haven't totally wrapped my mind around this. We are in the middle of adopting three children, plus we have a 9-year-old daughter. We'll be going from one child to five children within a year. I don't know whether we can "handle" them or not, but it's happening, so I'm doing my best to deal!

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#14 of 16 Old 03-05-2011, 07:11 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jane View Post

Planned or unplanned, I think some "oh shit" feelings are normal.


Totally 100% agree with this.

 

With this little one it was totally planned. We'd been discussing it for at least 7 or 8 months. We stopped all birth control right before we got married (January 1st). And yet as soon as that second line popped up on the stick my first thought was "Oh sh*t!". I didn't expect it to happen that fast (we got it right on the first try, and I really didn't expect it because we only dtd once in my fertile time). DH is totally thrilled and yet I know he's had some "oh sh*t" thoughts too.

 

Actually, just 2 days ago I broke down wondering how I'm going to do this. DS has autism and I had taken him to one of his therapies Thursday evening (it's actually an art/therapy class put on by the rehabilitation hospital he gets some of his therapy at). Anyway, ds was having a *really* hard day. Like, worse than he's had in a long time. I left him in the room with the therapists for a little bit so I could get a break in the hallway. When I went back in he was just running circles around the room. He. Would. Not. Stop. As soon as I got close to him he just took off again. One of ds's biggest issues is he's a runner. He'll run away and not look back. He has no idea about the dangers involved with running into a parking lot or running away where I can't see him. So I was trying to keep an eye on the two doors in the room that lead to the outside as well as the 2 doors that lead to the hallway (those 2 sets of doors are on the opposite sides of this huge room). I eventually had to get a couple of the therapists to help me corner him but even then it was a huge struggle for me to get him safely out of the building and into my car. I was terrified he would break free from my grip and run in front of a car in the parking lot.

 

When we got home I just broke down, I don't know how I can do this. DS is so much better than he was (which is the only reason we decided to have another is because of how well ds is doing), but there are still days that are just plain hard. What in the world am I supposed to do when ds does something like that and I have a newborn? I can't be running around the room, wrestling ds to the car, with a newborn. What about when I have that huge belly and I can't run or wrestle him? How in the world am I supposed to keep ds (and the new baby) safe at the same time? There are times that I have to physically restrain ds because he's a danger to himself. I don't see how I can safely do that with a big belly. DH helps when he can, but at times like now when he's traveling for work then there's nothing he can do. So... yeah..... major "oh sh*t, what in the world am I getting myself into" thoughts lately.


Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#15 of 16 Old 03-12-2011, 01:30 AM
 
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hugs.  I agree with everyone who has posted.  I think the 'Oh &*%#!' feelings are common.

I don't have any recommendations but wanted to give you a hug and say we are all in some kind of anxiety phase and that's normal for men and women. 

 

I also think men don't handle pregnancy news as well as most women would like.  For example, with #1, DH promptly announced the pregnancy to everyone in his office and said he couldn't concentrate and had to go home.  He then immediately sold our car and started looking for unaffordable housing.  For the first three months, it was like living with a man who couldn't conceptualize the pregnancy outside of physical or monetary terms.  No hug.  No congrats.  No we did it.


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#16 of 16 Old 03-12-2011, 05:29 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pantrygirl View Post
He then immediately sold our car
 


DH was/is the complete opposite. He bought a new car last summer (a "family car") because he had been driving a Honda Prelude and there wasn't much chance of fitting an infant seat in there. The Prelude has been sitting at his parents house, waiting for him to sell it. He got busy over the fall (traveling for work) so never got around to it. Then it was winter and it's just not the right time of year to sell a car like that. So we figured in spring it would be the perfect time to sell it. So I mentioned it to him a couple weeks ago and he sheepishly said that he didn't want to sell it anymore. He says he wants to keep it and use it for our "date nights". What, like 3 times a year?? lol.gif  He also just turned 30 at the beginning of this year so I think it's hit him hard that he's not the young 20something who can race around in his car and stay out all night and whatever. So for now the car is staying. I figured I wouldn't push it, he can keep it as long as he wants/needs. However, if money becomes tight then he knows that car is the first thing to go winky.gif


Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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