Can anyone give me some advice? I'm sort of- kind of- having a complete nervous breakdown. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 81 Old 03-22-2011, 06:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Good Morning Mothers- I've been creeping on this forum all morning, and while I know this is mostly a place for happy- excited mama's to be- but I  have no one to talk to. I really really don't want to hurt or offend anyone suffering a loss and I hope

 

I'm 21 years old, Up until a week ago I lived with my boyfriend, B, who is 29 and a few roommates in a cozy little townhouse in my hometown. Though we have only been together about 9 or 10 months- we are very much in love and talk often of our plans for the future.
      I work full time and B's struggling as a carpenter in an economy where his career has almost become obsolete, we're a little tight some months but I've managed to keep our heads above water so far, we never miss a bill although we do acquire the occasional late fee.
     We (er, I ) also have the additional responsibility of caring for my Mother, who is a schizophrenic. She does not live with us, but we do stay with her during the times her symptoms are particularly harsh but not bad enough to warrant another hospitalization. I have legal custody of my mother when she is not competent to make decisions and though it can be a burden, knowing that I- with full knowledge of her particular pattern of illness and always my mother's best interests- am the one responsible for her care and not just another burnt out hospital social worker has been much more blessing and comfort than curse.
    I tell you all this so you can better understand my reasoning's behind the decision I made, so you'll not think me heartless. Right before christmas, we found out we were pregnant.

  

 

 

         My period has always been irregular and I've always taken my ortho tri religiously- so I hadn't really been worried when my period was late- I figured it was just Stress related and between work and mom and the never ending pile of bills- Stress was absolutely a factor -but when I skipped it altogether and was on my way to skipping another I thought I might as well pick up a test, mostly so that I wouldn't obsess over the faint chance- I  was hysterical. I couldn't even imagine the scope of responsibility. How would I be able to give a child the upbringing it deserves, my mother the proper care, and a roof over all of our heads? I have always known I wanted to be a Mother, and a Wife. Always. Growing up with my mother in and out of institutions taught me more than anything else that the most important thing I can give a child is stability- and looking at that test shaking between my hands all I could think is how ill prepared I am to be emotionally, spiritually, financially stable enough to give my child the upbringing I want. . It didn't seem fair to the little zygote to be. 

I had an abortion. I had an abortion- and it went Badly. Very Badly. I went to a private clinic because I thought it would be… I don’t know, higher quality care?  Because I didn’t want to walk across a picket line on the worst day of my life?  When they were prepping me, they asked me if it was okay if the intern performed the procedure, B and I were adamant that it was not.

The doctors in the room never read my chart, an intern performed the procedure and just about perforated my uterus with the dilator, he also used the wrong surgical aspiration machine, choosing to use the method for pregnancies 5 weeks  and under- when mine was at least 8 wks.. As a result of the procedure I developed a blood infection, a uterine infection, endrometriosis- And-

As I was informed yesterday-

I’m Still Pregnant.

  My hgc levels are at 55000- and I have an ultrasound on Thursday to confirm- I’m so scared. My boyfriend and I never really got through the abortion aftermath. He moved out over a week ago and we’ve not been talking as we are “on a break”

I haven’t told him that the blood test showed I have a continued pregnancy. The  (new- and I love her) doctor told me over the phone when letting me know the test results that she thinks I may have been pregnant with fraternal twins at the time of the abortion and because the intern and his supervisors never even opened my chart- they didn’t know they hadn’t gotten everything.

I feel horrible. I don’t know if I’m even dealing with a viable life after everything that's happened to my poor uterus, I'll know more on thursday- all I can do now is panic.

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#2 of 81 Old 03-24-2011, 08:05 PM
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This post was caught in our filters a few days ago so I thought I'd bump it up for attention.

 

Best wishes to you Concerned Kate. stillheart.gif


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#3 of 81 Old 03-24-2011, 08:14 PM
 
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Saw this on the front page and just wanted to say how sorry i am you are dealing with so many things all at once. All the best to you. I hop it all works out the way it is supposed to. Maybe the clinic can offer you some counseling especially since things went to unexpectedly.


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#4 of 81 Old 03-24-2011, 09:09 PM
 
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Wow, Kate, I'm so sorry. I have no idea what that would be like-I really think (if I were you-and just my opinion) that you should tell your boyfriend...you need support right now and someone who loves you, and is framiliar with your situation.

Men are distant and distracted before and after any pregnancy/ birth-they feel helpless and worried...so I can only imagine how he might be feeling after an abortion.

 

I don't know what sort of outcome you're hoping from this-but one of my friend's mother survived an abortion unharmed. (much to her mothers dismay-she didn't find out until she was about 7 months.) She's a completely healthy woman, who's gone on to have babies of her own.

 

I'm so sorry though that you're going through this-big hugs and prayers sent your way. I hope you both have a peaceful, healthy outcome.


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#5 of 81 Old 03-24-2011, 10:43 PM
 
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Concerned Kate,   I am so sorry.  I can't imagine how terrified you must feel right now, or how violated by the lack of care at the clinic, or how lonely it must be for you.  I wish I could give you a hug and bring you a cup of tea and a blanket.  Corrabelle is right, you shouldn't go through this alone.  This is one of those things that can change your center, and you shouldn't have to go through the experience or the decisions ahead of you without support.  You are obviously a kind, strong, thoughtful young woman. You will be a great mom whenever that happens for you.  Do what you need to to take care of yourself, and trust yourself to make the best next decision. 

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#6 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 12:28 AM
 
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Wow I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I believe you should tell the father what is happening as soon as you feel comfortable doing so. You shouldn't have to go through this alone. I think the fact that you are being unselfish enough to think about what kind of support you're going to be able to provide shows that you'll be a wonderful caring mother when the time is right for you. Whatever happens or whatever you decide please take good care of yourself.

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#7 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 02:39 AM
 
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I saw this on the front page.

 

I just want to hug you.  You have a TON on your plate.  Can you talk to your boyfriend?  I'm sure he's as shocked and scared as you are.  I've never had an abortion but i've had 4 losses and it is a really hard thing to get through as a couple, i can only imagine it's even harder in your situation.  Let him know what's happened, try and lean on one another.  I bet he is just scared to death and doesn't know how to handle everything that has happened.

 

I'm sending you healing light and a lot of love, i hope everything works out for you.

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#8 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 03:42 AM
 
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grouphug.gif Thank you for posting and seeking support. You show a tremendous amount of bravery in being able to face this situation.

I would recommend finding a counselor to talk to. Certainly catching your boyfriend up on the situation is important, but you also ought to have someone who can just focus on supporting you. Ask your OB/PCP for recommendations; there are people who specialize in reproductive mental health if you can find one. Abortion and other invasive gyn procedures are a big deal physically and psychologically, regardless of how anyone feels about the ethics of it, and so not being over it (even aside from finding out you're still pregnant!) is totally normal.

Please keep us posted.

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#9 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 04:49 AM
 
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Kate, my heart goes out to you.  I am so upset with such an oversight being made in your care at the clinic.  To make the decision to get the abortion, have the procedure, become seriously ill, and find out you're still pregnant, I can't even imagine.  I'm wondering, given all of the other weights you are carrying, have you looked into an attorney?  There are many who will bill based on damages collected.  I know it won't change the situation and legal matters are their own stress, but it might lighten some other parts of what you are carrying.  Whatever happens, whatever you decide, you are welcome here.


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#10 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 05:34 AM
 
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Kate,

You're a tough cookie! This is a horrible experience for anyone to go through, but you can do it. I too am 21 and pregnant but I have not had to go through anything like this, only a dead beat baby daddy who vamped out to Nashville the minute he found out I was pregnant. Chin up, face forward. Regardless the outcome you're doing what you feel is best, as every mother should. Don't be nervous, though I know its easier said than done. Life always finds the strangest of ways to work itself out and all we can do is strap in for the ride and hope to God it goes the way we'd like. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure either way it goes, you're going to be okay.

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#11 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 05:56 AM
 
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Kate,

 

 

Abortion is rarely a decision a woman comes to lightly. It is wrought with internal conflicts that are indescribable. I cannot fathom your fear, your alone-ness and your stress level at this point.

I know that you've posted because you want to hear thoughts from the women who are surrounding you-even if virtually. Whenever I've posted something so personal, I've imagined I was a member of a tribe, and I was bearing my soul to the other women, in sacred space-by the light of the fire. Women know. And it is good to reach out, even if our hands are physically far, our hearts and souls are all cut from the same cloth.

 

 

As a non-conformist tribal member, I'm going to say what I think and feel and trust that you'll feel my compassion, and hear no judgment in my words. Because I am woman. And I've been where you are standing right now.

 

 

Maybe this is too "Daytime-Movie" for most, but I'm a hopeless sentimental, so here goes:

 

 

Perhaps this little life that was "missed" in the procedure, has a purpose. Perhaps there's more going on here than incompetent interns and clinics who, in spite of their status as an institution to serve women-clearly does not. Maybe there is, in this situation a joy you have never known-to be found and brought to your life. Perhaps it's not what you imagined, but maybe it's just what you need-to center you-to inspire you-to heal you. Maybe it's your reward for loving your own Mother so completely.

 

 

Maybe this little life is meant for you. Or maybe it's meant for another family who longs for the very thing which burdens your heart so. Maybe the baby is meant to live-either as a part of your life, or as the most precious gift you can give to another.

 

 

I don't believe in pure coincidence. This incredible Universe, and our lives that twist and turn and sometimes smash us against the rocks-is too well coded for all of this to be a mistake. I've often seen that after a particularly difficult patch in my journey, there was some kind of amazing treasure I never would have received had I opted out.

 

 

Who knows...it might just be the same for you. Babies-whether they are meant for you or for someone else-ARE a lot of responsibility. But with the right support, and a community of people to pass on clothing/diapers/babysitting trades and tearful middle of the night pep talks: the giggles, admiration, unconditional love and acceptance a child brings can change the lives they touch in profound ways.

 

Babies don't care if you have holes in the cushions of your couch-as long as your arms are open. They don't care if they're wearing hand-me-downs as long as your kisses are gentle, and they don't expect perfection-as long as your eyes light up when they enter a room, and your truest desire is to love and care for their needs.

 

 

May your journey to your answer be complete-and whatever your decision, may you know you've made it with both eyes and your heart wide open.

 

 

 

With Deepest Compassion and Warm Safe Hugs,

 

 

Marcie

 

 

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#12 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 07:05 AM
 
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Marcie, that was really well put.


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#13 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 08:03 AM
 
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Kate,

 

I wish we could all give you a huge hug. No person should ever, ever have to go through what you're going through.

I don't have anything new to say, but wanted to echo the comments that you are obviously a wonderful, caring person and will be a wonderful mother- whenever that happens. 

 

Please let us know what you find out and take care of yourself. I hope you're able to reach out to your boyfriend and find news that eases your mind. 

Be gentle to yourself and keep us posted.

 

Best,

Laura

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#14 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 08:07 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by corrabelle View Post

Marcie, that was really well put.



Thanks sweets.:)

 


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#15 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 08:22 AM
 
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Oh Kate, hug2.gif Geographically where are you located? I think you would benefit quite a bit from having a counselor walk with you through these conflicting feelings resulting from everything that has happened in the last 4 months plus where you are going from here. While your boyfriend may be helpful, he, no doubt, has his own feelings to work through as well, which is why I think a third party, especially one with experience dealing with unexpected pregnancy, abortion, etc. may be better able to help you right now.

Your confusion and anxiety is completely normal given what you have gone through, and I'm both amazed you're able to express yourself as well as you have and grateful that you've found MDC.

How was your appointment yesterday?

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#16 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 08:51 AM
 
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Nothing to add to what all these lovely ladies have already posted, just lots of hugs. grouphug.gif    grouphug.gif   grouphug.gif


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#17 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 08:57 AM
 
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hug2.gif I agree with speaking with a counselor. You should not have to go through this alone.


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#18 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 09:03 AM
 
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I agree with Marcie 100%

Maybe its time to look at your situation differently. Not as just another part of life to help build up stress but as the greatest gift you could have ever asked for.

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#19 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 09:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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(Sidenote;I keep trying to update you all but my work computer won't seem to let me- This is the fifth try before my deskmate returns, sorry in advance if things are a little fragmented- technical difficulties!)

 

Update: Thank you. How amazing it is to find such solace, support and strength from a virtual world of strangers? I feel very lifted and encouraged-  and that is such a blessing..  Thank you.

 

I'll try to get all your questions answered-first and most pressing, I went for an ultrasound yesterday but because of her schedule I'm not able to meet with my doctor until monday- so aside from a five minute phone conversation last night to confirm the updated information so far and what to do next- nearly all of my update is based on what the ultrasound technician could and could not tell me. We don't know much- but hopefully I'll know more on monday.

Here's what I do know : zygote.bmpThis is Lima Bean. Sorry about the picture quality but I work front desk and it's hard to sneak a cell phone shot without anyone seeing what I'm photographing!

Lima Bean is considered a "viable pregnancy" because there is a heart beat. We do not currently know how much damage there could be both because of the abortion attempt and because of my actions being unaware that I was pregnant. I've been doing everything wrong, I had no idea I wasn't yet alone in my body! So- I had sushi nights. I drank cocktails. I stress chain smoked, and Oh dear lord the Caffiene!!!!  But maybe it could be worse though, right? I didn't do coke or crack or anything remotely illegal drugs. So, that's a plus? Maybe?

 I had the clinic that did this to me send over all of my treatment information to my new doctor and she said my chart was the sloppiest she's seen since Med School- and that there are actually 3 different dates of pregnancy in the file, so and because of this and my pregnancy hormone already regulating- they actually were not positive how far along I am. My ultrasound technician said that her guess was 10-12 weeks based on size and activity but they are going to get me into another ultrasound on a different machine for a more exact date.

oh! And to clear up any confusion- I just reread my post for the first time and for some reason I wrote "we found out just before christmas" ?? But that's not true, we found out just after christmas. Does anyone else have pregnancy brain?

 

So. That's what I know.

What I don't know is- how viable this life even is. How in the world I will raise a child if it is viable- or what I'm going to do.

I dont know. I dont know. I dont know.

 

- I'll have to swing back by in a bit to answer the rest of your questions- just wanted to update you asap!

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#20 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 10:01 AM
 
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Hi Lima Bean, nice to meet you. wave.gif

Thanks for the update. We'll be thinking about you. smile.gif
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#21 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 10:39 AM
 
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Kate,  thank you for your updates.  I saw this post last night but didn't quite know what to say.  I have been praying for you.

 

Marcie said it best.  What a sweet miracle that Lima Bean is still with us.  


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#22 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 10:54 AM
 
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I just wanted to reach out and hug you... and say that you are welcome here and supported in whatever choices you've made and will make. 


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#23 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 11:36 AM
 
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I don't even have the right words, Kate - I'm aching for you, for everything you've had to go through up to this point and for the agonizing mental load you're under! No one should have to deal with so much all at once.

 

It is clear to me, though, that you are an incredibly strong and amazing woman and that you WILL come through this...a little at a time, just the way you're already doing.

 

Know that you and Lima Bean are in my thoughts and that all the positive, supportive, light-filled vibes I can muster are headed directly at you!

 

Please keep us posted as you are able.

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#24 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 12:35 PM
 
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Wow! What a trying time in your life! I wish you the best of luck and support in following whatever path you choose. Marcie's words were very wise and endearing..I hope someone on here touches your heart the way you need. You are a very strong woman to have reached out for support!

 

 

 

 

 

 


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#25 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 12:43 PM
 
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And please never feel alone in this journey, you have us now, and you can vent about anything, talk about anything, share anything, without having to be afraid of being judged. We're happy to have you, and I have to say, there must be a very special purpose for Lima Bean, considering the fact that he/she is still here! 

 

And you know what? Ultimately, NO ONE knows exactly what they are doing. How they are going to make it all work. We are all just doing the best we can with the means we have at this particular time. We mess up, we learn, we move on and do better. You will do the same thing, and you will be fine! Somehow you will find a way to make it work with your mom and your baby. Take it one day at a time, and when that is too hard (and it probably will be, some days) take it one hour at a time. 

 

One tip that worked for me personally: look up some pictures on the internet of what your babe looks like now. It makes it more real, more tangible, and for me it made it easier to bond. This is a site that has a cool pregnancy ticker and really nice pictures of your developing Lima Bean. 

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#26 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 02:54 PM
 
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Oh, Kate!  I just want to send you some (((HUGS))) 

 

 

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#27 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 02:57 PM
 
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and what a cute little Lima Bean you have! Honestly, I wouldn't worry too much about the sushi and smoking and what not. I didnt find out I was pregnant until almost 7 weeks and during that time I ate sushi every day, drank a 6 pack eveynight, finished off 2 pakcs of smokes, and enjoyed a red bull atleast twice a day. My baby did split from the sac, but everything is a-okay now. I've quit smoking, drinking, the whole thing..and everything is going great!! Don't worry too much, its out of your hands, girl!

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#28 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 02:58 PM
 
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I am impressed by your willingness to be open and ask for help when you need it. This is not one of those things that you should bear alone. Nobody can tell you what choice(s) to make, we can only give you a listening ear. No matter what choices you make, I will not judge you. I can only imagine how things must be for you right now. That said, you must be a strong person because I believe that we are only dealt what we can handle and you have been dealt a lot in the past while.

 

As someone who has made the decision to abort in the past I can understand a little of what you are going through. It's obviously not an easy choice and in my own experience I have deep deep issues with regret. It's not something I tell everyone that's for sure. During the birth of my son I had major feelings of unworthiness and guilt, not to mention issues with the scar tissue on my cervix and uterus caused by the abortion (it was painful).  At that time in my life, I was about the same age and felt very pressured into it. The timing was not 'right', nobody was supportive (including ex bf), we had no money, and I was 'young'. Looking back now I see that yes, many of those were valid arguments but I still could've done it. Knowing what I know now, I could never go through with another abortion again. Every aspect of it was frightening beyond belief for me. I can't (and wont) ever tell you what to do with your life or that of your little one. I can only give you my story because it's sometimes good to hear from others who have gone through a 'similar' experience. Nobody ever talks about it because it's so taboo and that's sad and a little scary.

 

I really hope you are able to find the strength to make the choice you will ultimately have to make, and feel ok about it. If you ever want to talk please feel free to message me. There's a whole group of us that are here to support you.

 

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Take care and hugs to you.


knit.gifsewmachine.gifintactivist.giftreehugger.gif mama to one DS and one DD, equally amazing.
 

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#29 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 05:02 PM
 
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Kate,

 

I think Marcie echo's my thoughts pretty well. Sometimes we need to look at these things life gives us and see that maybe our plans for things might not be the way life is taking us. If this is a viable pregnancy and you don't feel raising a child is the best decision there are sooooo many parents available just waiting for a little baby to adopt. I am on the other side of this equation so I know how many of us would love a little one to call their own. Whatever you decide best of luck to you and may you find peace and happiness. Hi little lima bean. Thinking of you both.

 

 


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#30 of 81 Old 03-25-2011, 06:32 PM
 
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Just to let you know, with my first pregnancy (I was 15) I had no idea I was pregnant until 3 or 4 months in and I smoked cigarettes, drank a little and smoked pot. I obviously stopped as soon as I realized but I was insanely worried about it until he was born. My son is now 11 years old and he's brilliant and amazing! He was born at 9lbs4 oz too so I just wanted to put those fears at rest a little. Also I totally understand what it feels like to not know if you can provide a stable enough environment for your child (especially if you don't have a healthy example to look to). If you decide to keep this baby, you absolutely can be a great parent. We are not always the product of our own upbringing. If you decide to give this baby to another loving home - that is also being a great parent. Thanks for the update. You're in my thoughts. hug2.gif
 

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Originally Posted by ConcernedKate View Post

(Sidenote;I keep trying to update you all but my work computer won't seem to let me- This is the fifth try before my deskmate returns, sorry in advance if things are a little fragmented- technical difficulties!)

 

Update: Thank you. How amazing it is to find such solace, support and strength from a virtual world of strangers? I feel very lifted and encouraged-  and that is such a blessing..  Thank you.

 

I'll try to get all your questions answered-first and most pressing, I went for an ultrasound yesterday but because of her schedule I'm not able to meet with my doctor until monday- so aside from a five minute phone conversation last night to confirm the updated information so far and what to do next- nearly all of my update is based on what the ultrasound technician could and could not tell me. We don't know much- but hopefully I'll know more on monday.

Here's what I do know : zygote.bmpThis is Lima Bean. Sorry about the picture quality but I work front desk and it's hard to sneak a cell phone shot without anyone seeing what I'm photographing!

Lima Bean is considered a "viable pregnancy" because there is a heart beat. We do not currently know how much damage there could be both because of the abortion attempt and because of my actions being unaware that I was pregnant. I've been doing everything wrong, I had no idea I wasn't yet alone in my body! So- I had sushi nights. I drank cocktails. I stress chain smoked, and Oh dear lord the Caffiene!!!!  But maybe it could be worse though, right? I didn't do coke or crack or anything remotely illegal drugs. So, that's a plus? Maybe?

 I had the clinic that did this to me send over all of my treatment information to my new doctor and she said my chart was the sloppiest she's seen since Med School- and that there are actually 3 different dates of pregnancy in the file, so and because of this and my pregnancy hormone already regulating- they actually were not positive how far along I am. My ultrasound technician said that her guess was 10-12 weeks based on size and activity but they are going to get me into another ultrasound on a different machine for a more exact date.

oh! And to clear up any confusion- I just reread my post for the first time and for some reason I wrote "we found out just before christmas" ?? But that's not true, we found out just after christmas. Does anyone else have pregnancy brain?

 

So. That's what I know.

What I don't know is- how viable this life even is. How in the world I will raise a child if it is viable- or what I'm going to do.

I dont know. I dont know. I dont know.

 

- I'll have to swing back by in a bit to answer the rest of your questions- just wanted to update you asap!



 

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