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#1 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 10:05 AM - Thread Starter
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Sorry to go dark on everyone, but I'm kind of a dark little rain cloud by nature. I'll try to make this brief.

I'm a realist. I like things that are tangible and factual, based on hard evidence. I'm an atheist because God is not something I can prove (to myself), but I am accepting of those who can. I snopes every single thing that someone reposed online because I question everything, and I don't like to be wrong.

As a result, I'm having a really hard time with this whole "there's a baby inside me" thing. I mean, I saw an ultrasound 5 weeks ago and there was a heartbeat, but how do I know if it is still in there and thriving? So many of our DDC members have miscarried, and I just keep wondering if this is really happening to me. Yeah, I gave symptoms and am starting to show, but how do I actually KNOW that it isn't all in my head?

I've always been more like my guy friends when it comes to stuff like this, so I guess it isn't too surprising that I'm experiencing the typical male reaction of "there's no way I actually made a baby," but I'm surprised that it is happening at this point. I just wonder everyday how I'm supposed to know that my little one is doing well.

Is this weird? Shouldn't I be excited? I just feel so skeptical. I start to panic when I realize how life changing this actually is, so I think it is hard to believe that it is actually happening.

Man, I thought typing this out would make me feel better, but now I just feel more crazy. greensad.gif

Alaskan Wife and Mama to my special little guy ribbluyel.gif (9/13/11) and expecting #2 (2/21/13)!

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#2 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 10:29 AM
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Yeah, the first trimester is weird like that. You have the symptoms to show you're pregnant, but it's hard to really connect with the baby when you can't feel it and you're not showing very much. Most of the time I forget that I'm pregnant, then the nausea hits and I remember. Don't worry about not being excited yet. Soon you'll start feeling the baby's little flutters, and later the kicks, rolls, punches, and hiccups and it will become way more real to you. That's when I start getting excited and bonding with the baby. 

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#3 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 10:48 AM
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Have you considered a fetal doppler? That may or may not help to prove the pregnancy to yourself and reassure you. For myself, were times earlier in the pregnancy when I "forgot" I was pregnant, even if just for a moment. I think that's easy to do if you feel good, you're not showing, etc. Today though the m/s is a pretty good clue, hahah. 


As far as coping with the fear/worry of fetal demise, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or any number of things that could go wrong, you just don't know. I don't really know how to answer that because I draw from my faith for strength and comfort. Since you're a logical and reasonable person you could try looking at risks, increased risks you may have, history-personal, family, as well as earlier in the pregnancy-and try reasoning away the fear with stats, research, studies, etc. If you feel the anxiety and worry are getting to be too much you may want to ask your doctor for something. I have found a homeopathic remedy that has seemed to work well to help unwind me when I'm anxious or tightly wound. Other than that, give it a few more months...once you have your "big" ultrasound and everything looks good and then when you begin to feel your baby move it will make the pregnancy much more "real'. 



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#4 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 11:00 AM - Thread Starter
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Jamie, I have been Doung statistical analysis like a mofo! smile.gif

It just seems so weird. I don't think I've ever been around anyone in early pregnancy. I just don't have anything to draw from for a frame of reference. I, too, often forget that I'm pregnant. The hubs and I are going on our first trip together in two weeks, and I was looking forward to having a few drinks with him in the airport, and then I remembered... Or I'll find out about something awesome I want to go do, but then remember it is close to my due date.

I just want to feel this baby, dang it! Or, at least, get another ultrasound or hear the heart beat. I wonder if I would be this weirder out if we had actually heard the heart beat at my 10w appt. Now I have to wait until 15w.

Alaskan Wife and Mama to my special little guy ribbluyel.gif (9/13/11) and expecting #2 (2/21/13)!

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#5 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 11:18 AM
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HI Karli,


I believe what you're experiencing is 100% normal.  I read this book for my midwifery class, Anne Frye's Holistic Midwifery Volume I (btw, I am definitely not recommending that people go out and read this book, and certainly not for pleasure!), and one of the concepts she talked about was this mind-body connection and the mental parts of "being pregnant." 


One thing that stuck out at me was about how in each trimester we do tend to experience the pregnancy differently- for example, in the first trimester, we have physical symptoms but don't look visibly pregnant, and can't feel the baby kick.  We worry about whether the pregnancy will even stay, and a slew of other things. The 2nd trimester we can start to feel the baby, which makes it real in a different way. Psychologically, we think about what kind of mother we're going to be, etc. The third trimester, part of us may start to stress about no longer being pregnant (i.e. what happens after the baby comes).  I had to do a writeup on some of the mental aspects, which I can send you later.  But the point is that all of our feelings about pregnancy are part of the process.  The reason we have strange dreams during pregnancy is that there is a huge amount of emotional and physical stuff happening to us, and our body needs a way to integrate all of these feelings.


One other thing I remember is that the booked talked about how normal it was to have super mixed feelings about being pregnant.  This goes for couples who have a surprise pregnancy to even those who have been trying for years to have a baby and desparately want to be pregnant- the vast majority if not all pregnant women tend to experience some degree of "woah, what is happening?  Our life is about to change!"  I remember how reassuring it felt for me to read this, to know that even mixed feelings about pregnancy are totally normal.  I think the same thing goes with disbelief, that how can I actually be pregnant?  I still am going through that too- am I really pregnant?


Right now, I just have to trust that I'm pregnant.  I have my first prenatal tomorrow, but I'm not choosing to hear the heartbeat, and I don't intend to hear the HB, so I'll have to wait until about 20 weeks when I can feel the baby move and hear it with a fetascope.  I also rely on my faith to trust that this pregnancy is in God's hands, and that outside of taking good care of myself, there is nothing I really can do.  However, I believe (and I certainly hope!) that my growing belly, wacky emotions, sore boobs, fatigue, the 6 lbs I've gained etc are not in my head!  Our close friends all know I'm pregnant, and I'm dying to just loudly announce to my co-workers (because I'd rather them know I'm pregnant than think I'm getting fat for no reason- sigh).  But other than that, I feel like being pregnant is this really cool secret I share with all the other pregnant women out there... even if the world doesn't know it yet. 


Anyway, my point to all this is that what you wrote about is not weird at all.  When you are feeling excited, you will be excited, and when you're thinking about changes and wondering if this is really real, that is normal too.  I'm a huge believer in that how you're feeling is how you're supposed to feel.  Your feelings themselves have no power, only what you do with them (which is why being able to vent on MDC is so awesome).  Even if you can't see it, your pregnancy IS changing every day and the fetus is doing what it is supposed to be doing (and unfortunately, if it is not, there is next to nothing that can be done about it anyway).  So, remember that very soon you will LOOK pregnant to the world, you will feel the baby move, and you will KNOW in a concrete way that there is indeed a little growing human in you!

Amy, feathering our nest with sweet husband O and baby girl, P (October 2011). 
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#6 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 12:03 PM
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I mean, not everyone has that same reaction, but plenty of people do. I do. I am also hyper-rational (part personality, part scientific training) and I absolutely understand wanting observable evidence. Honestly, I think this is one of the major benefits of not telling about a pregnancy until second trimester or later. You don't have to deal with all sorts of people asking how you're feeling about it all, as if you're supposed to be having some sort of transformative emotions at this very instant when, in reality, you might not be feeling much of anything yet.


I will tell you what I learned in my first pregnancy and then first years of parenting: Welcome to the wide world of uncertainty. It's a very bumpy ride upon entry. Learning patience and trust is hard. But once you adjust to the landscape, it's actually really beautiful. Mountainous places often are.


This pregnancy has been much less worrisome for me, because I know that eventually, providing all continues to go well, I will have a weird little alien inside me, kicking books off my lap and making it difficult to breathe and/or pee. For now, I am just going about my life, not thinking overly much about Being Pregnant, and just enjoying the remaining few days of being able to sleep on my front. I assume that all is well. If it isn't, I'll know soon enough.


In other words, your feelings are totally understandable and reasonable, but if you can reason with yourself to just put them aside for another month or two, you'll be in a totally different (and much less uncertain) place.

almost irrational
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#7 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 12:50 PM
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Thanks for posting this, Karli, and thanks everyone for your answers.  On top of it all I'm also worried, but I'm trying to be more rational to help me through it.  I'm pretty evidence-based myself, but my husband is so much more so that I sometimes feel practically woo-woo.  I'm glad that my feelings are normal, and that being "more rational" doesn't change them.  That's what I thought, but it is nice to hear it from other obviously intelligent and sensible people.  Not that he makes me feel bad about my feelings, he just expects that examining the rational side of things will somehow help, when it really has little to no discernible effect.

On a farm with our kiddo (nearly 2), two dogs, two cats, ten goats, two donkeys, nine sheep, a bunch of chickens, and a husband (in the winters). We have another on the way!
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#8 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 01:21 PM
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I agree that your feelings are normal.  With my first pregnancy, I didn't really "feel pregnant" or even connected to the baby at all until I had my ultrasound at 20 weeks.  I'd had one at 7 weeks, too, but of course then, it didn't really look like a baby.  Just seeing and hearing the heartbeat didn't do it for me.  And even feeling the kicks didn't.  But when I saw the baby inside of me, waving his little arms and legs, this rush of "mother" feelings came over me.  It was really an amazing experience.


This time, I'm feeling differently.  More connected and more like I'm actually pregnant.  I'm really not sure why it's different, maybe just because I've been through it before and know what to expect.

Amanda- mama to Lincoln 1/09 and expecting #2 10/11!
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#9 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 02:05 PM
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with my first I was a worried, googling maniac....did not get to relax and take it in


I was definately going to "relax and take it all in with my second" - while not really worried, I had a toddler and felt like I missed the whole


I swore with my third- this would be the one where I totally bask in the glow as it will be my last one....but alas I am almost as worried as with my first and once again I hve a toddler and a headache that has been here almost since I got my bfp...


so does anyone ever "bask in their pregnacy glow"?

mom to ds '07 first day of a new year, dd '09 in the caul, and  ds '11 at home Oct 24th
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#10 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 03:52 PM
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I think what you are feeling is very, very normal. The thing is, you don't really know everything. You know from the positive pregnancy test and the ultrasound and your symptoms and expanding waistline that you are indeed pregnant. But it's only been a couple of months. You've walked around not being pregnant much longer, so it takes some getting used to. I guess what I'm saying is that you just have to believe that everything will work out the way it is supposed to. Believe me, when you have a real life baby to take care of on the outside, you'll get accustomed to not knowing everything all the time and making peace with that. You don't have to call it faith or be religious to trust that your body is doing something it knows how to do and that the majority of pregnancies end with a healthy baby. Our bodies are the end product of thousands of years of evolution and even when our minds get in the way, our bodies know how to do the work they are meant to do. Detaching from your mind/busy thoughts and tuning into your body is really useful for labor, too!


Btw, with my dd I didn't start to feel connected to her until 17 weeks when I felt her move for the first time. I didn't have any ultrasounds or doppler, so I just had to trust that my growing belly wasn't all from over-indulging on thai food!

Happily parenting our snuggly wild child since 2007 and her little brother since 2011!

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#11 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 06:12 PM
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I feel similarly, I heard a heart beat a couple weeks ago, is the baby still okay in there?  I'm really starting to show though, so that's reassuring to me.


Amy May, great post.  Thanks for all your insight.

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#12 of 19 Old 03-30-2011, 07:48 PM
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Throughout my ENTIRE pregnancy with ds I found it hard to believe I was really pregnant. Even after he was here dh & I were amazed it was real. So far I am finding the same thing this time around. I think for us it is complicated by the fact that it is difficult for us to get pregnant so we spent SO long talking about when we were parents that it always seemed like a "one day" thing instead of a sure thing.

Doula mama to dd (Oct '11) & ds (Oct '08) and expecting (Apr '17)
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#13 of 19 Old 03-31-2011, 03:33 PM
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I'm feeling similar and this is our 6th. Also I get worried because I've had so many healthy babes and uncomplicated births. Which is weird to say, but I feel like it increases my chances of something bad happening THIS time. And it's really an irrational worry and I know that, just don't feel it yet. I'm more of a 'prepare for the worst, and whatever happens will be a relief' type of person. 2nd trimester is usually better and then you believe there is something in there, hopefully a baby :o) 

Alicia + James = Gabriel (9), Uriah (7), Ayla (5), Noah (3), Azriel (1), and due Oct. 2011

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#14 of 19 Old 03-31-2011, 08:19 PM
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I'm not feeling connected to this baby yet either...glad I'm not alone. I've had one healthy pregnancy and a couple of miscarriages - for some reason, I'm feeling the most disconnected this pregnancy of all of them, despite plenty of evidence that my baby is healthy (4 ultrasounds already showing my baby growing and developing right on track). I, too, am really looking forward to feeling Baby move regularly.

Wife to my hubby and SAHM to two boys -  DS1 (2) and DS2 (newborn).  Forever missing our three angels in Heaven. 

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#15 of 19 Old 04-01-2011, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by lifeguard View Post

Throughout my ENTIRE pregnancy with ds I found it hard to believe I was really pregnant. Even after he was here dh & I were amazed it was real. So far I am finding the same thing this time around. I think for us it is complicated by the fact that it is difficult for us to get pregnant so we spent SO long talking about when we were parents that it always seemed like a "one day" thing instead of a sure thing.

I pretty much felt this way with both pregnancies and so far similar for this, my third. You do have a long time to get used to the fact that you are pregnant, and then BOOM you have a child! That for me, the first time around, was a very difficult transition. From being "me" to being someone's mom.


FWIW I don't think of it as me being "unconnected" but as recognizing that what is growing in me is truly a potentiality. Its not a "baby" yet and really, I for me that transition of birth is truly a transformation.


As with everything, people experience these things differently, and I certainly don't spend any time feeling guilty that I am doing it wrong. I am a very connected, responsive, loving mother- I am not at all insecure on that front. I fully trust that I will be the same for this child, if/when h/she is born.


I didn't do a 20w ultrasound with my second (and I likely will not with this pregnancy) and then to appease the doctors who  I was going to for "shadow care" I did one at 36w (a "size" check, notoriously inaccurate, but whatever) and to tell the truth, it felt kind of intrusive, rather than exciting and revelatory, as it had during my first. So, our own experience and feelings can certainly change as well.

dissertating mom to three

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#16 of 19 Old 04-02-2011, 06:15 AM
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Go see your OB and have them check for a heartbeat just to reassure you.

Hannah, Wife to R , Mama to Alexander, born 2-15-08,
and Gabriel, born 10-17-11. Ask me about cleft lip and palate!

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#17 of 19 Old 04-02-2011, 06:14 PM
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All I can offer is hugs as we are in the same boat in a lot of ways.


Im agnostic verging on atheist because I just cannot put all my faith into something I cannot prove or that does not make sense to me.


Im also having trouble adjusting to the fact and trusting that everything is OK in there as I had spotting and cramping at 6 weeks but had an ultra sound and everything was fine but that was weeks ago (Im 13 weeks now).


Im scheduled for a ultra sound this Wednesday and Im hoping that it will help solidify things for me (as long as things are still ok).



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#18 of 19 Old 04-02-2011, 08:36 PM
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I think this is all totally  normal also, everything that you are feeling!! My DW is the one who is pregnant, but with ME also being female, I am very in tune with the same type feelings that a pg woman would have....I keep going through the same thoughts also..."Omg, I forgot, you cant do, eat, have that, you are pregnant!" Or really, ever since the day we found out she was pg, I have been obsessing each week, over getting through, and getting another week out of the "Danger zone" or misscarriage etc...."Ok, you are 5 weeks now, 6 weeks, 7 weeks, 8 weeks" etc etc...Now that she is going into her 10th week, the stress of worrying starts to simmer down for me, little by little....Of course once we get past like week 14 (Since I had a M/C at 13 weeks years ago, 14 weeks feels "Safe" for me for some reason) then I will get over that stressor, and move on to another one, I am sure of it, rofl!!


I'd say a lot of it might just feel surreal to you (as it does me!) wondering if you REALLY made a baby. No way, seriously?!


I guess the further along you get, the more real it becomes....I know when I had my babies, even in my arms, I was like "Really? I get to take him/her home with me and I wont be in trouble for stealing this baby?!" LOL


((hugs)) It WILL get better. For us both. promise  :-)

rainbow1284.gifApril & Jenn--Mommy & Mama To Three Kiddos, DS-17 jammin.gif DS-14 wild.gif & DD-12 hearts.gif Rest in Peace sweet Elliana, our DD who was stillborn 10-1-11. You will forever be our Sunshine coolshine.gif Cautiously anticipating our rainbow baby on the 4th of July!! rainbow1284.gif

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#19 of 19 Old 04-03-2011, 09:44 AM
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I figure the baby takes 9 or 10 months because that is how long it takes our brains to adapts and accept that our lives are changing. I think it is totally normal not to remember every minute of the day that you are pregnant. (As an extreme example,I forgot once when I was 8 months long and lifted my 2 boys over a fence then jumped it myself...then thought I was totally crazy.) Eventually, your over thinking brain gets beat into submission by your ever changing body and it all works out in time.


Good luck with the waiting....



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