Moral dilemma-opinions wanted - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 14 Old 04-01-2011, 12:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wasn't sure where to post this but since I mostly post here and am familiar with you ladies I decided this is the best place.

Sorry if this is a bit long but I feel you need to know the back story a bit. The father of my middle two kids and I were together for almost 7 years 9on and off). We were at the point of talking about getting married, I never really "fell in love" with him, more or less I fell in love with the attention I received from him but never felt he was the man for me. He on the other hand seemed to be head over heels for me from day one. I even went as far as telling him I am not interested in him when we first met but he wouldn't let up and since I had never received that kind of male attention before I gave in. It was a rocky 7 years with him cheating on me at least once..and even though I was never attracted to him I never cheated. Shortly after I miscarried our third child I found out he was cheating on me with someone who supposedly had been his "friend" for the last few years. I confronted her and she claimed she had no interest in him and he was too old for her...long story short they are married with 2 kids now.

 

Anyways despite my initial upset at being dumped it was a relief not to have to pretend anymore..but that was short lived. I soon found out that he would be helpful to me and good the the kids but only if I agreed with him that i was pinning away for him and continued to have sex with him.Unfortunately I need his help and wanted him to be there for the kids.

About 2 months ago i finally grew a backbone and told him no more sex but no matter how i put him off or straight out tell him he still likes to believe I am in love with him (which I am not..in fact except for the impact on the kids if he fell off the earth tomorrow I would be totally OK with that).

 

So anyways here is my dilemma...he just called and offered to pay for half of the cost of the midwives after seeing my post on face book about how upset I am that I can't afford it. He said he doesn't want anything in return just wants to do this act of kindness. I feel like I am just using him if I accept but at the same time it is something i really want and feel like he owes me for all the crap I put up with. But I know too that he thinks he is somehow buying my affections by doing this and i know that it will not change how I feel about him one little bit.

 

So do I take the high road and turn him down or get my needs met and deal with the consequences later? I have no real life friends to bounce this off of and figure you all can be brutally honest since I probably will never meet you anywayswinky.gif


Holly intactlact.giffambedsingle2.giffly-by-nursing1.gifsingle mom to 4.5...hoping for a homebirth.jpg this time.
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#2 of 14 Old 04-01-2011, 12:47 PM
 
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Tough call... I'm thinking the reason he offered this in the first place is to get  back into your good graces (read: into your bed). I guess it depends on how badly you want the midwives.

For most regular people it would be really tough to take this money, and subsequently tell him to buzz off. That takes a special kind of rude, and not many people are gifted that way (which is probably a good thing, actually). Most of us normal folk would feel bad, even though the guy is obviously a sleaze who uses money to keep leverage over you. 

Truthfully? If you know that you are not ruthlessly rude enough to not feel guilty about taking the money and not sleeping with him anymore, I would decline the offer. Because in that case you are going to find yourself in a paid-concubine type position, and that sucks. And when is it enough? When are you done paying? And what will be the next carrot he dangles in front of your face? 

On the other hand, if you feel at all like you can tell him to shove it while holding on to the cash, more power to you!! He deserves it, ten times over. 


~Iris~ Catholic mama to DD1 11/15/05 * DD2 04/28/08 * brokenheart.gif06/23/2010 * and our little rainbow DS 10/07/11 love.gif
 

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#3 of 14 Old 04-01-2011, 12:54 PM
 
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A difficult choice indeed!

My first reaction was to take the money and keep your backbone. Make sure it's cash too. (I am often concerned about being left with the bill when someone else has offered to pay.)nut.gif

 

Upon a moment of reflection, I would ask the midwife if she has a sliding scale and try that first.  

 

It sounds like he reads your posts and our replies. I want to encourage you to keep setting clear boundaries with him. If he makes up stories to help him deal with your choices, don't worry - you know yourself and your actions will prevail.

 

That's it for my 2 cents......

 

Julia

 

 

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#4 of 14 Old 04-01-2011, 03:26 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snugglebugmom View Post

Tough call... I'm thinking the reason he offered this in the first place is to get  back into your good graces (read: into your bed).Yep that's my thinking too..but not gonna happen! I have felt so much better about myself since saying no and sticking to it!


Truthfully? If you know that you are not ruthlessly rude enough to not feel guilty about taking the money and not sleeping with him anymore, I would decline the offer. Because in that case you are going to find yourself in a paid-concubine type position, and that sucks. And when is it enough? When are you done paying? That is my main concern and "guilt" is what has kept me giving into him in the past and he probably knows it.



 



Quote:
Originally Posted by JJ'sMom View Post

A difficult choice indeed!

My first reaction was to take the money and keep your backbone. Make sure it's cash too. (I am often concerned about being left with the bill when someone else has offered to pay.)nut.gifI know he will follow through..he has never stiffed me on money before..he pays his child support and throws in extra when I ask. Of course I don't know how long that will continue once he realizes I am serious about not sleeping with him.

 

Upon a moment of reflection, I would ask the midwife if she has a sliding scale and try that first.  Unfourtunatly they don't.

 

It sounds like he reads your posts and our replies. No worries there..I don't think he would go that far.

 

 

 

 


 

Thanks for the thoughts. I have some time to think about this..a home birth is my dream and i plan on doing it with or without a midwife but I would feel better if I had the midwife.


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#5 of 14 Old 04-01-2011, 04:19 PM
 
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first a question....I didn't see anywhere that he's paying child support....if he's not then that's what needs to happen....
I was in a relationship with a manipulator that coulda been the man you are describing and the only way out is to cut off contact with him. Have someone else drop off and pick up for visits...don't talk on the phone, business emails only, do not be friends on facebook......ok so this is fairly opinionated but having been there I truly feel that this using is a type of abuse and control, and since you've only recently gotten outa the bed you have to be drastic....it's too hard otherwise. If you're getting any kind of state help...food stamps...etc...they should help you get child support from this guy! Other than child support I wouldn't take anything from him for any reason.
Just my opinion....take it or leave it if I'm way off base smile.gif

Jenny-engaged to a wonderful man- mama to 3 rambunctious homeschooling boys, ages 12,10, and 8-doula, knitter, natural food enthusiast, farmer-and expecting number 4 around October 7, 2011 right before I turn 40.
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#6 of 14 Old 04-01-2011, 04:30 PM
 
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Not a chance would I ever take it. Since you stated you will have the homebirth, midwife or not, have you looked into midwives who are still training? They might be cheaper than the midwife you are currently looking into.

Good luck with this decision!

Steph, DH Jason (1-1-11), DS Owen (10-3-03) and DS Kai (10-13-11)

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#7 of 14 Old 04-01-2011, 04:55 PM
 
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My first reaction is NO. Don't take the money. Stop engaging him.


Nicole treehugger.gif  Busy with my two boys.jog.gifdiaper.gif  The 'big boy' too. peace.gifOh, and a sweet baby girl, born at home in October. love.gif

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#8 of 14 Old 04-02-2011, 11:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Earthmamajen View Post

first a question....I didn't see anywhere that he's paying child support....if he's not then that's what needs to happen....
 


yeahthat.gif

 

Whether or not he pays child support for his children totally changes the dynamics of this decision IMHO. Basically, if he isn't already paying child support for his children, then I don't think it's immoral to take the money and basically throw it into the pot of money for raising your family. If that includes paying for a homebirth, that's a reasonable expense IMHO. However, it would definitely be better to work out a monthly child support arrangement. If he IS already paying child support, then it's a much tougher argument to say that he "owes" you financially. (Though clearly, he hasn't been a stand-up guy for you in other ways.) I would try to avoid taking the money in that situation.

 

Ideally, money for a homebirth (plus ongoing child support for the baby) should come from the baby's father. I remember you said he left the country, which could make that tough, of course.


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#9 of 14 Old 04-02-2011, 02:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He does and always has paid his child support..in fact he requested to have it automatically taken from his checks so that he wouldn't miss a payment..so he's not a total creepwinky.gif As for the father of this baby..yeah I have no idea how to even find him so no help there.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I have come to the conclusion I am going to say no thanks to his offer. I don't want him to be able to hold it over my head and hope that saying no will help him understand further that I only want to be co-parents with him and nothing more.I'm sure at some point I am going to have to deal with his anger when he realizes I am really done..guess I might as will get it over with (like I should have 3 and a half years ago!).

 


Holly intactlact.giffambedsingle2.giffly-by-nursing1.gifsingle mom to 4.5...hoping for a homebirth.jpg this time.
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#10 of 14 Old 04-02-2011, 02:17 PM
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hug.gif mama. I think you are making a strong decision.

 


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#11 of 14 Old 04-02-2011, 03:42 PM
 
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Keep your dignity, take the high road. You don't need or deserve him holding something like that over your head to meet his whims. Respect yourself more than that because he obviously sees you as something to be used and bribed. 

 

ETA: He's legally responsible to support or help support his kids. If he's not, take his sorry butt to court! Check with DSS they may be able to provide help to get legally ordered/required child support from him.


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R (4/1997), A (6/2002), B (07/2007), K (06/09) & N (10/17/2011)

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#12 of 14 Old 04-02-2011, 04:07 PM
 
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I think you're making a wise choice. Good luck to you!


Nicole treehugger.gif  Busy with my two boys.jog.gifdiaper.gif  The 'big boy' too. peace.gifOh, and a sweet baby girl, born at home in October. love.gif

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#13 of 14 Old 04-10-2011, 04:47 AM
 
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Good for you Momma! I think you are making a strong, but tough decision! I think it's for the best though. I agree with a PP and you might as for a sliding scale from your MW :)


Momma to Samuel Wyatt 8/15/09 and our new addition Jack 9/25/11!   mdcblog5.gif  winner.jpgcd.gif

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#14 of 14 Old 04-12-2011, 11:46 AM
 
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Don't take his money, show your kids that you can be a strong mama and stand up for yourself. That valuable lesson will be worth it 10x over in the future. We too are struggling with how to pay for a midwife right now, but there are federal assistance programs that can help you financially in other ways that may free up money to afford a homebirth for you. Best of luck!

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