update/question on family issue, if anyone has the patience for it - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 09-23-2011, 11:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hey everyone,

 

So now that I'm less than a week away from delivering, my dad come up online with an e-mail directly asking whether the delivery has been scheduled. (My original post on this issue is here: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1328424/major-family-anxiety-as-the-birth-approaches) I really hate to lie, but I guess if I don't want him to know -- only because I suspect he's asking/acting on behalf of my mom, who I don't want to deal at all with until well after the birth -- then I guess I don't have a choice ... right? Anyone see any loopholes/nuances here that I'm missing? Thanks in advance.

 

 

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#2 of 10 Old 09-23-2011, 11:15 AM
 
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Don't cave! Write back "nothing is set in stone yet, you know what babies are like, they are on their own schedule!" and after that refuse to engage. Lying stinks, but this is not really a lie because anything can happen at any time, right? Besides, I am a big believer in asking yourself:"Is this person privy to this particular information?" and in this case the answer would be a resounding no. You don't want your mother involved in your birth, and that is that. I don't see any nuances you've missed. Birthing a baby is a big deal, you deserve to have the circumstances as close to your own personal ideal as you can. 


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#3 of 10 Old 09-23-2011, 11:20 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, Iris. In this case everyone has known from the beginning that we're doing a scheduled c-section, so something would have to be scheduled at some point. But, I can simply say, as you said, "nothing is carved in stone" and leave it at that. Then the question becomes how to untangle it all after the fact, i.e., why didn't I call when we *did* know we were going in ... plus it will be obvious there was some planning involved because my MIL is coming for a while, though I suppose we can always say we scheduled her visit just guessing on when the delivery would be ... and at some point, I'm going to have to come out and tell him I just didn't trust him with the information. :(

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#4 of 10 Old 09-23-2011, 11:31 AM
 
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Actually no you don't. You don't have to SAY anything at all..Oh im sorry..I never got the email....and as to what to do after?  You can simply state, you wanted it to be a private event. You don't have to apologize for it. You don't have to explain it. its YOUR birth and YOUR baby.  Do not give control to another to make these decisions.  If you want to tell, tell. If not, there is NO law that says you have to.  Oh and when they try the guilt angle? Just don't engage. when you are READY to have them over, then invite them. Don't engage in the details.  Just don't respond.  Good luck!

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#5 of 10 Old 09-23-2011, 11:31 AM
 
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newyorkmommy, that is an option, although it isn't a fun one at all.  But, you COULD tell him that you aren't sharing that information with people (you don't have to say which people) because you don't want it to be generally known in your family, for several reasons, including in case things should change.  Tell him you do have a date scheduled, but these things change all the time, and you aren't sharing it the scheduled date at this time.  (You can leave out that when it will be time to share the date will be after it has happened.)

 

 

 

 

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#6 of 10 Old 09-23-2011, 11:54 AM
 
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even scheduled c-sections get rescheduled - mom goes into labor earlier than expected, for example - so I see no real dilemma not giving him an exact  date, and explaining - afterwards - that you couldn't have informed him ahead of time, because sometimes the unexpected happens.

 

you need as little drama as possible around the birth of a baby - hope that yours stays as drama free as possible!


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#7 of 10 Old 09-23-2011, 03:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Rani and all, I know, I'm a big girl and it's my birth and I'm not under any obligation to tell anyone anything, but unfortunately this is just stressful for me because really avoiding and shutting down my dad is not the norm for our relationship (though it is for me and my mom -- they are divorced).

 

No one is nearby to physically intrude, it's just a psychological space that I need.

 

Thanks for listening!

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#8 of 10 Old 09-23-2011, 04:00 PM
 
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Sounds like if you can't just come out and tell him the real reason you're not sharing with him, then just saying that nothing is set in stone yet is the way to go. Sorry you have to deal with this. Parental stresses can be the worst! I have dealt with it plenty.


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#9 of 10 Old 09-25-2011, 08:34 AM
 
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ohh okay. I misunderstood...Well, you will work through it. Just keep looking yourself in the mirror and saying that its okay to do what you need to do to have the birth you want and deserve.

 

Best of luck!

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#10 of 10 Old 09-26-2011, 08:25 AM
 
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If you don't want to tell him that you really don't want people knowing, maybe just say that you *had* a date scheduled, but you're waiting to hear back from your OB to see if it's still the case, because of a hospital scheduling glitch. (Or, that you're waiting to see the results of a recent scan first etc.)
Or, "we're aiming for the week of x...but we haven't heard the exact date yet."

 

Or you could just tell them that because it's a scheduled section that you're only allowed one person in the delivery/waiting area. (We actually do have a policy like that at one of our local hospitals.)


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