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#91 of 105 Old 06-14-2011, 08:22 AM
 
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I have hesitated to step into this, but I feel a little like Abra has been thrown under the bus for her original comment.   I may disagree with some other comments that have been made, but I want to pull this back to the intent of the OP to get advice for first time moms.

 

I believe the sentiment was that it can be quite easy to give up on breastfeeding or feel as though you had to stop if you run into complications, and that breastfeeding is worth the effort of getting help and trying to overcome issues if you can.  This is something I tell my first time mom friends all the time.  I had breastfeeding complications too.  I fell into some common "booby traps" too.  I needed help and support and it was not the easiest to find when I knew no mothers near me who were breastfeeding or even had breastfed in the past.  If I had known someone that could have advised me where to get help and/or given me tips and encouragement, that period would have been so much easier.  I try to be that person for my new mommy friends now.  I think it is so important to try and pass the knowledge and the wisdom on to others b/c so many of us did not grow up around breastfeeding. I think it is important that first time moms know that most women can successfully breastfeed, but that complications are not uncommon and need immediate attention. 

 

My response here is in no way intended to address major complications (including financial and emotional ones).  I am not addressing those that battled with their complications and eventually need to stop.  I am addressing first time mothers who have not yet tried and who often hear horror stories about breastfeeding and therefore go into it thinking it will be nearly impossible and may even wonder if it's worth trying at all.

 

I think it's so important to remember how impressionable we all were as first time moms and how little parenting knowledge and experience we had at the beginning compared to what we know now.  Of course this journey is a continuous learning process- I would never claim to know everything or that there is only one right way for everyone.  But I have to admit that on my journey I have judged.  I truly try to suppress my judgement, but with issues close to my heart it is difficult for me.  I try my hardest not to let my judgement come through in my tone or body language when interacting, but I DO try to impart information if I feel it would be well received. 

 

I have come to forums like this for information.  I am part of other groups for information.  I seek information b/c that is my personality.  If I learn about an alternative way of doing things that works better for me and my family then I will embrace it.  Many of the members of this forum are the same way.  Case in point is our OP who came here for helpful information.  But there are many others that will not seek out the research or new ways of doing things and simply continue doing what they were taught from those around them and thus some things are perpetuated that should not be.  So I think it is important for those of us that have sought out the information to pass along the merits of some of these alternatives so that others can benefit from our research and consider other ideas.  I'm not talking about "converting" others to MY way of doing things.  I'm talking about exposing them to another way that could end up being right for them, too.  Often this can be done by example, but sometimes the offer of sending along some helpful websites or articles is appreciated.  I'm sure there have been times when moms have felt judged by these offers.  But I also know that many moms have thanked me profusely for the information.  And I know that I have been immensely grateful for information that has been imparted to me through my contact with more knowledgeable mamas.   I never would have tried wraps or baby-led weaning or elimination communication.  I may have stopped breastfeeding at a year b/c everyone else around me had stopped well before that.  I might have spanked my children b/c that is how I grew up.  I know I would have fully vaccinated my children and circumcised my son.  I didn't know it any differently.  

 

So my point here is, when someone asks for information or seems in a position to receive information, I think it is vital that information be passed along.  Judging is a natural part of human nature and part of the decision making process.  I certainly do not advocating taking it to the level of attack or flaming, but I do think that without some judgment no one would ever make a different decision than the status quo.  I think it is important that in communities like this forum that different viewpoints are expressed and sometimes those viewpoints will be a bit shocking.  Sometimes those viewpoints will be offensive to some.  I think it's challenging to hear all these viewpoints.  I think it's important to be shocked sometimes.  It makes me think about my own decisions.  It makes me judge myself and decide if what I'm doing truly is the best for me and my family.  I want to hear from the die hard breastfeeding advocate that thinks solids shouldn't be introduced until over a year of age or the person that believes diapers are child abuse.  I also want to hear from the opposing sides.  I want to hear it all so that my decision can be well informed.  I hope the discussion can keep going with lots of great information and lots of different viewpoints, but without anyone feeling as though they are being attacked for their decisions and opinions.


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#92 of 105 Old 06-14-2011, 09:26 AM
 
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Amen Jaimee! Agree with your whole post!! Thanks for posting it :)


Wendy  Wife to my sweet husband, homeschooling mom to 4 little girls and a new blessing due in November! chicken3.gif
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#93 of 105 Old 06-14-2011, 11:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaimee View Post

I have hesitated to step into this, but I feel a little like Abra has been thrown under the bus for her original comment.   I may disagree with some other comments that have been made, but I want to pull this back to the intent of the OP to get advice for first time moms.

 

I believe the sentiment was that it can be quite easy to give up on breastfeeding or feel as though you had to stop if you run into complications, and that breastfeeding is worth the effort of getting help and trying to overcome issues if you can.  This is something I tell my first time mom friends all the time.  I had breastfeeding complications too.  I fell into some common "booby traps" too.  I needed help and support and it was not the easiest to find when I knew no mothers near me who were breastfeeding or even had breastfed in the past.  If I had known someone that could have advised me where to get help and/or given me tips and encouragement, that period would have been so much easier.  I try to be that person for my new mommy friends now.  I think it is so important to try and pass the knowledge and the wisdom on to others b/c so many of us did not grow up around breastfeeding. I think it is important that first time moms know that most women can successfully breastfeed, but that complications are not uncommon and need immediate attention. 

 

My response here is in no way intended to address major complications (including financial and emotional ones).  I am not addressing those that battled with their complications and eventually need to stop.  I am addressing first time mothers who have not yet tried and who often hear horror stories about breastfeeding and therefore go into it thinking it will be nearly impossible and may even wonder if it's worth trying at all.

 

I think it's so important to remember how impressionable we all were as first time moms and how little parenting knowledge and experience we had at the beginning compared to what we know now.  Of course this journey is a continuous learning process- I would never claim to know everything or that there is only one right way for everyone.  But I have to admit that on my journey I have judged.  I truly try to suppress my judgement, but with issues close to my heart it is difficult for me.  I try my hardest not to let my judgement come through in my tone or body language when interacting, but I DO try to impart information if I feel it would be well received. 

 

I have come to forums like this for information.  I am part of other groups for information.  I seek information b/c that is my personality.  If I learn about an alternative way of doing things that works better for me and my family then I will embrace it.  Many of the members of this forum are the same way.  Case in point is our OP who came here for helpful information.  But there are many others that will not seek out the research or new ways of doing things and simply continue doing what they were taught from those around them and thus some things are perpetuated that should not be.  So I think it is important for those of us that have sought out the information to pass along the merits of some of these alternatives so that others can benefit from our research and consider other ideas.  I'm not talking about "converting" others to MY way of doing things.  I'm talking about exposing them to another way that could end up being right for them, too.  Often this can be done by example, but sometimes the offer of sending along some helpful websites or articles is appreciated.  I'm sure there have been times when moms have felt judged by these offers.  But I also know that many moms have thanked me profusely for the information.  And I know that I have been immensely grateful for information that has been imparted to me through my contact with more knowledgeable mamas.   I never would have tried wraps or baby-led weaning or elimination communication.  I may have stopped breastfeeding at a year b/c everyone else around me had stopped well before that.  I might have spanked my children b/c that is how I grew up.  I know I would have fully vaccinated my children and circumcised my son.  I didn't know it any differently.  

 

So my point here is, when someone asks for information or seems in a position to receive information, I think it is vital that information be passed along.  Judging is a natural part of human nature and part of the decision making process.  I certainly do not advocating taking it to the level of attack or flaming, but I do think that without some judgment no one would ever make a different decision than the status quo.  I think it is important that in communities like this forum that different viewpoints are expressed and sometimes those viewpoints will be a bit shocking.  Sometimes those viewpoints will be offensive to some.  I think it's challenging to hear all these viewpoints.  I think it's important to be shocked sometimes.  It makes me think about my own decisions.  It makes me judge myself and decide if what I'm doing truly is the best for me and my family.  I want to hear from the die hard breastfeeding advocate that thinks solids shouldn't be introduced until over a year of age or the person that believes diapers are child abuse.  I also want to hear from the opposing sides.  I want to hear it all so that my decision can be well informed.  I hope the discussion can keep going with lots of great information and lots of different viewpoints, but without anyone feeling as though they are being attacked for their decisions and opinions.


Jaimee - I agree, to a point.  It's important to have different opinions that foster discussion so that informed decisions can be made.  However, you also say "I think it's so important to remember how impressionable we all were as first time moms and how little parenting knowledge and experience we had at the beginning compared to what we know now."  I agree.  I am one of those impressionable first time moms.  I come here for information, as my previous posts indicate, but sometimes the tenor of the conversations can be chilling.  There is a big difference between "breastfeeding can be hard.  You may feel a strong desire to give up because you think [I can't do it; I'm doing it wrong; it's too painful/incovenient/uncomfortable].  Don't give up.  The rewards are worth the sacrifice"  and "if you don't sleep deprive yourself/make your breasts bleed/cut yourself off from the rest of society/quit your job in order to breatfeed exclusively you are abusing your child."  The former promotes conversation and is helpful.  The latter makes new moms like me who don't know what's up feel shame, guilt, and most importantly a strong desire not to engage in further conversation.  I'm not here to be told I'm doing everything right, and if someone has a different opinion I definitely want to hear it.  What I would like to avoid is the "my way or the highway" approach some aspects of this conversation have taken on.  It's not a discussion, it's a fiat that I am (or a hypothetical mother in my similar situation is) a bad mother.  That's not helpful to anyone.

 

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#94 of 105 Old 06-14-2011, 11:55 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jaimee View Post

 

So my point here is, when someone asks for information or seems in a position to receive information, I think it is vital that information be passed along.  Judging is a natural part of human nature and part of the decision making process.  I certainly do not advocating taking it to the level of attack or flaming, but I do think that without some judgment no one would ever make a different decision than the status quo.  I think it is important that in communities like this forum that different viewpoints are expressed and sometimes those viewpoints will be a bit shocking.  Sometimes those viewpoints will be offensive to some.  I think it's challenging to hear all these viewpoints.  I think it's important to be shocked sometimes.  It makes me think about my own decisions.  It makes me judge myself and decide if what I'm doing truly is the best for me and my family.  I want to hear from the die hard breastfeeding advocate that thinks solids shouldn't be introduced until over a year of age or the person that believes diapers are child abuse.  I also want to hear from the opposing sides.  I want to hear it all so that my decision can be well informed.  I hope the discussion can keep going with lots of great information and lots of different viewpoints, but without anyone feeling as though they are being attacked for their decisions and opinions.

I do agree that Abra already retracted her statement about the study so we should probably just let that one go.  But I have actually found this discussion interesting.  Yes, it's interesting to see a shocking viewpoint such as Abraisme's.  She is making some pretty outlandish claims in her attempts to clarify what she originally intended to say.  And because of that, she should expect people to jump in and argue about it.  Unfortunately, on this site, a lot of times the extreme opinion gets heard, and then as soon as someone jumps in and tries to go on the defense, everyone is told to stop arguing and be nice or the thread will be closed/locked/deleted, whatever.  Sure, I'd like to hear what she has to say. I'd also like to hear the arguments against it.  And maybe even jump in with a few of my own.  

 

And I think people are getting a little too defensive about their struggles and eventual giving up when it comes to BFing.  Abraisme already said she understands when a woman tries and tries and it just doesn't work.  What she disagrees with is when a woman doesn't even bother to try.  Personally, it doesn't bother me that much when a mom tells me she didn't BF.  If she didn't do it because she just didn't want to do it, I can almost relate to it.  I was not one of those women who enjoyed BFing (at first, anyway...I came to appreciate the benefits after a few months).  I have always been uncomfortable with my breasts, and never liked the idea of having to focus so much of my life on them.  They are, um, big....and have always been a big attractor when it comes to men, so it was difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea that they were now functioning for another purpose.  I decided to push past my discomfort because I wanted to.   I knew it was healthier for the baby and I knew it was something my mom did for me.  However, I am ok with a woman who doesn't have it in her to do that.  

 

One of my friends didn't breastfeed because she hates having her breasts touched at all. I guess she's just super sensitive.  

 

What I am not really ok with is when a woman doesn't breastfeed because she finds it gross or weird or perverted.  That is an ignorant view in my opinion.  But I guess she is entitled to feel the way that she feels....as long as she doesn't project that openly onto women who are BFing.

 

And as far as research goes, research can lead mothers in very different directions when it comes to parenting.  Just ask anyone who follows the Ferber method.  My friend actually has come to the conclusion that it's better for the baby to cry it out for a few nights because once he figures out how to fall asleep, he will get better sleep and be more well rested. There are plenty of people who feel this way and I don't think they aren't doing their best.  I personally cannot handle listening to my baby cry so I let him sleep with me.  Lots of my friends think I'm just being lazy and should put in the effort to get him in his crib.  Maybe I am lazy?  

 

I actually think this argument is a good thing for the OP to read because this is what parenting is like nowadays.  There will always be someone judging you and telling you that what you are doing is wrong. There are so many different ways to parent a child.  Do what works for YOU and your baby.  

 

 

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#95 of 105 Old 06-14-2011, 12:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ablemec View Post

It's important to have different opinions that foster discussion so that informed decisions can be made.  However, you also say "I think it's so important to remember how impressionable we all were as first time moms and how little parenting knowledge and experience we had at the beginning compared to what we know now."  I agree.  I am one of those impressionable first time moms.  I come here for information, as my previous posts indicate, but sometimes the tenor of the conversations can be chilling. 

 

I totally understand and agree.  I have actually had this discussion with a few mothers before, trying to tactfully suggest to them that they preface their posts and/or soften them a bit so that their points can be better received.  I try to do this with my posts b/c I want others to feel welcome and I want my message to be heard, not dismissed as condescending, "the only right way," or combative.  In fact, I have admit I've wasted quite a bit of my valuable free time fretting, stewing, and mulling over posts b/c of the tone others have used or unintended reactions my own words have caused.  It's unfortunate, but a reality of online forums where intelligent, opinionated women converge.  As Gemini mentioned, this is actually a helpful thing for first time moms to observe b/c it is a reality.  It really took me some time (and I'm still working on it) to figure out how to effectively communicate with other moms about heated issues.  And I'm at the point now where I can take things less personally, most of the time.  smile.gif 

 

But at the same time I DO want to hear those shocking viewpoints, hopefully expressed in a way that doesn't blame, simply impart.  If I didn't want to be challenged in my thinking I could go hang out on a different forum.  We all hear and see the mainstream ideas around us everyday.  Women come here b/c it's an excellent source of information about alternative ways of doing things.  So when your friend says she's done her research by reading Ferber, I say that's not thorough research- it's a start- but now she needs to read the other side in order to really consider all the sides of that issue.  


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#96 of 105 Old 06-20-2011, 12:51 PM
 
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this is a great topic, i was just browsing on here for tips or anything to keep in mind once i have a first baby. Most of this info i haven't heard, great advice mommas. =]


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#97 of 105 Old 06-21-2011, 08:11 PM
 
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#98 of 105 Old 06-22-2011, 05:51 PM
 
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Things I wish I would have know (let's get it back to the original purpose of the thread!)

 

-Co-sleeping is not for every mom or baby. Some babies do better in their own bassinet & some sleep even better than that in their own rooms! I can still respond just as easily (or more easily because I'm getting better sleep too) if babe is not in my bed.

 

- There is a big learning curve to breastfeeding. It's ok.


- Try out your own parenting philosophies and don't be married to one. Be flexible and let yourself change if you want.

 

- I can still be partial AP and partial not. It's ok ;)

 

-Wish I'd learned more about circumsicion.

 

 


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#99 of 105 Old 06-24-2011, 11:07 AM
 
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My baby screamed in the car seat for the first month - two months. Slowly it has improved, we can car ride for about 35-40 minutes now before a breakdown occurs, and here are the things we did to cope:

 

1. Bounce the car seat in the car. Ours has some vertical give, so we could bounce it up and down and this seemed to distract/calm her. Daddy discovered this.

2. Bump the Music. Whatever you have that has some bass to it, turn it up. Worked like a charm, daddy discovered this one too. I was concerned about baby's hearing but didn't think it was great for her to scream for 20 minutes or more whenever we would need to drive somewhere either. Now I can play lullabies and they work too.

3. Talk to your baby. Who knows if they can understand you but I have noticed that when I tell my baby what I need to do she is more obedient to allow it to happen.

4. Leave baby in the car seat. I know sounds completely counter to what you want to do. But my Father-in-law suggested that carrying the baby bucket to and from the car with her in it might help. AND BOY DID IT!! My instinct was to immediately GET HER OUT OF THAT HORRIBLE TORTURE DEVICE! - lol - but once we started putting her in the car seat inside the house, swinging her while in it, and then placing her in the car, AND when you arrive to destination, keep her in car seat, remove baby in car seat, swing/walk to destination, then once you are where you will be remove baby; and now i even leave her in it for a couple minutes while not in motion so she sees that it is okay. I noticed that she would stop crying as soon as the car seat was in motion (ie. swinging in our arms, or walking motion). I think it has to do with the positive association with soothing motions vs "oh no i'm getting strapped down again" thinking for the baby.thumb.gif

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#100 of 105 Old 06-24-2011, 01:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi KaliShanti,

 

Can I ask what you wish you had known about circ?

 

We are leaning towards not circ....especially after my husband watched a video on youtube showing the procedure :(
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by KaliShanti View Post

Things I wish I would have know (let's get it back to the original purpose of the thread!)

 

-Wish I'd learned more about circumsicion.

 

 



 


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​looking forward to when I can sleep more than a 2 or 3 hour stretch on a consistent basis!

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#101 of 105 Old 09-02-2011, 06:27 AM
 
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Just re-bringing up this thread as I was looking through old threads on my page, I found this and wanted to add to it. smile.gif

 

I wish I had known the great qualities of nursing longer than the doctor recommends(6 weeks). Seriously, I was convinced that was okay for some odd reason.....

I wish I had known the benefits of using my placenta after birth. I wish I had known how to better educate myself about the birth of my own child. I didn't know that there were other, more gentle ways to bring a child into the world, I just knew I didn't want a c-section.

I wish I had known to look at the benefits/risks in keeping my first son intact or to have him circumcised, instead of taking a biased doctor's word for it that it was best to have him cut.

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#102 of 105 Old 09-02-2011, 12:24 PM
 
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I've been browsing this DDC (due 11/29) and I'm trying to be a little more active!

 

The biggest thing I can think of, which may have been said already, is that those first few weeks can be really tough, and it's OK to reach out to friends/family.  I think our society tends to romanticize parenthood, and it is a wonderful experience, but parts of it are really hard.  My son is 16 months old and I've found myself comparing notes with other moms over the last year or so......and it turns out many of us (close friends) struggled with one thing or another, but no one really talked about it.  We all suffered in silence.  Reach out, ask for advice, let your partner/spouse/support system know you need help.  If someone offers to cook for you, take them up on it!  Sleep when the baby sleeps - not possible 100% of the time, but the best advice I got.  I'm a bit of a clean freak, and one of my friend's moms told me to "let the dust bunnies gather".....and I did!

 

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#103 of 105 Old 09-04-2011, 10:35 PM
 
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This is easy! There are many, many things I wish I had known but the king of them all: I wish I had had the faith to trust my own instincts! You know yourself and you know your baby better than any one else. Don't take any advice before running it through your instinct filter. You will know what is right for your family!

Beyond that, I wish I had started out with a ring sling (taylor made) and had just started out with my baby in my bed/Arm's reach cosleeper. Oh, happiness.

 

I mostly wish I hadn't gotten all hung up on the "shoulds" and silly details and had just gone with the flow and my gut more. Do that and your golden!

Oh, and one more thing! Don't stress about nursing in public. The frustration of trying to hide yourself away all the time builds up pretty quickly and makes you crazy. Just do it, no one is paying attention. And who cares if they are? Not your hungry babe!

This is the only post I have read but I totally agree.  Listen to Your instincts!!!  Dont listen to people who tell you it is dumb or whatever to sleep with your baby, or to hold them all the time, or BF, or whatever.  People were ALWAYS telling me to "just let her cry" and it felt so wrong, I listened for a few minutes a few times, but then stopped.  I wish I wouldnt have even bothered listening at all.  My poor baby was without her mommy/comfort for several minutes several times and was totally lost because someone else thought it should be that way?  Not this time!  I dont even go to the Dr anymore for well child checks or anything unless I am concerned about  something.  My Dr was not a very good Dr, she pressured me into vaccinating when I didnt want to, told me not to co-sleep, told me breastmilk was imperfect and I needed to supplement and give DD vitamin drops, said cloth diapers are pointless, told me to let DD cry herself to sleep from the time she was a NB on, told me to give medicine at the slightest hint of a fever, was in favor of circumcision(I had a girl, but I know this from her other patients), told me to start solids WAY too early, said organic food was no different than conventional, ETC.

Anyway, do your research and find out what really is best for your babe.  And base decisions on facts and on your own feelings, not what others think.  It is your baby.

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#104 of 105 Old 09-14-2011, 04:32 PM
 
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wow i would seriously think about changing doctors!


Mommy fo one, hubby and dog; suffers from Depression & Fibromyalgia; First Year Nursing Student!
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#105 of 105 Old 09-17-2011, 10:53 AM
 
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