Fertility Guilt - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-01-2011, 04:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So here I am, 41, and having my third child. Yes, I'm happy, but I also feel guilty around friends my age who can't have children, but want them. I realize that we all have our own destiny, but I'm feeling oddly guilty about this, even though I know I shouldn't. I'm sure this is normal, but have you experienced this from time to time, and if so, how do you wipe it away?

 


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Old 07-02-2011, 10:37 AM
 
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I struggled with some of the same feelings- but kind of for different reasons.  I had my tubes tied, then untied them and got pregnant on our first cycle trying.  A VERY rare thing.  Im part of a group of women who are all support for each other post tubal-reversal.  Some of these women had the same surgery as me and were trying for well over a year. 

 

I think, as that person on the other side, you struggle with feelings of happiness, resentfulness, and guilt for feeling that way at all.  I have been that person who couldn't get pregnant while everyone else is.  Your friends ARE happy for you, FOR SURE, but sometimes they do need a little time to feel sorry for themselves.  Being infertile is tough.

 

Don't feel like you cant share with them, though.  People who want babies are always the most excited when babies are coming.


 
 
Ash- DS 2003, DD 2006, and one baby Turkey born on Thanksgiving.

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Old 07-02-2011, 03:18 PM
 
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I came from the other side of the boat, struggling with Infertility while my friends had their babies.  I have to say, every pregnancy announcement was hard.  I preferred to be told over the phone so that I could say congratulations, I'm happy for you (which is true), then hang up and cry for me.  The WORST was a friend that told us at a church BBQ, in a large group.  I tried so hard to keep a happy face on and ended up breaking down in front of everyone.  Then they say dumb things that they think will make me feel better. 

 

In a nutshell, I don't think you should feel guilty.  Your fertility doesn't have any bearing on anyone else's fertility.  I'd advise being thoughtful in how you tell people, try your best not to complain about pregnancy in front of them (you know, about those aches, pains and nuances we all experience and want to vent about), and don't "block" them out in order to spare their feelings.  I didn't want to be excluded from their joy, I just maybe wasn't wanting to be around it ALL the time:)

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Old 07-03-2011, 04:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Good advice, thank you. I just go about my business, to be honest with you. I don't talk about it, nor make a big deal of it. I realize my guilt sort of sounds silly, but I care about my friends, and I'm super sensitive to their feelings. 


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Old 07-03-2011, 10:17 AM
 
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Its not silly at all!  Its real.  And its great that you consider their feelings.


 
 
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Old 07-04-2011, 06:19 AM
 
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It is great that you are so thoughful...I am 41 and on my 3rd as well (42 when dc is born)

I still post in the over 40 ttc club because the girls asked that we stay...they like to hear about our pg's, but I too feel soooo guilty when I have had 2 since being on that board and some have had none or recurring losses...

 

my neighbour, though 10years younger than me suffers from recurring losses and is currently about 8 or 9 weeks pg....I am terrified to say anything around her...I am always afraid that she my have lost her baby...breaks my heart.

 

irl I have no friends my age who want babies...they all think I am nuts because they are grandmother bound....lol

 

I must try to be careful to keep the connection from my mouth to my brain!!!

glad you brought this up!


mom to ds '07 first day of a new year, dd '09 in the caul, and  ds '11 at home Oct 24th

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Old 07-05-2011, 07:23 AM
 
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A close friend at work has been trying for over two years.  We're in the same age group (29 and 30).  My husband and I started TTC about a year after she did.  It took us about nine months.  She has been going through tests, procedures, injections, etc. in these last few months in order to conceive.  I would never wish my baby away, but my heart breaks for her every day.  As I've been getting bigger, I've been feeling more and more guilty.

 

During a stretch with difficult cycles and lots of frustration, my best friend got pregnant (very quickly).  I felt so much envy, jealousy, and anger at my own body and her (I found out in a less than ideal way).  I could never talk to her about fertility.  It came so naturally to her that she couldn't relate to me at all.  She said a lot of unintentionally hurtful things as I became more and more panicky.  I stopped opening up to her about personal stuff.  I'm still working on my relationship with her in this respect.  Even though we're both pregnant now, I still feel a block there in our rapport.  I haven't disclosed a lot of things that are going on in this pregnancy and my marriage.  She already has one child and I don't even feel a connection to her on a maternal level as I do with other women.  

 

I think this experience helped me have the empathy necessary to relate to this work friend.  We've since maintained our friendship although I know that she feels uncomfortable sharing some aspects of her journey to conceive a child.  I don't push; she knows I'm there for her in support and I'll never utter those dreaded phrases people think are helpful ("Maybe if you just relax..." "I wish I could give you some of my fertility" "Being pregnant sucks/you're lucky you're not pregnant, it's awful").

 

I can't speak for all the people in your life, but I know that this friend shares my happiness.  I don't make my pregnancy the center of all conversation and let her take the lead.  She's constantly in my thoughts and I know if our situations were reversed, she'd be an even kinder friend to me than I could ever be to her.  I look forward to her time, when it's finally her turn.  

 

I hope that you can enjoy your pregnancy in spite of the feelings of guilt.  If you made it to the end of this monster, all of this is to say that I'm right there with you! smile.gif

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Old 07-05-2011, 05:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your stories Sammypants and Saorise2007. 

 

It's just hard when you have friends who have/had a difficult time and here I am, pg, surprise and all, at 41. Not throwing myself a pity party at all. I'm grateful, blessed and honored. But I feel for my friends.


mom to dd 8/03 ds 6/06 and numero tres, ds 11/11 stillheart.gif

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