wow. really? - Mothering Forums
November 2011 > wow. really?
MrsKatie's Avatar MrsKatie 09:19 PM 07-13-2011

I'm sure there have been lots of threads on this topic already, but I just don't understand how people so consistently say insensitive and/or inappropriate things about the size of my belly.  ESPECIALLY women who have been pregnant before -- it's like they don't remember how it felt to be pregnant, to have your body changing and out-of-your-control, to be totally hormonal and self-conscious.

 

I will be 24 weeks on Friday, and I guess I am showing a lot for a first pregnancy.  I am healthy, I work out, I am thin everywhere else, but I just have a big belly (well, and giant boobs).  Ok. Fine.  Why does this elicit so many comments?  And why do people feel free to say whatever they please about my body?

 

I have had multiple people ask me if I'm having twins.  One asked if I'm having triplets (I SO wish I were joking here).  My own yoga teacher (usually so sweet and discreet) said today "are you sure there's just one in there?" (et tu, brute?).  My mother has commented on how big I am compared to how big she was when she was pregnant with me (I'm her first), and many other strangers have observed that I'm "going to get huge."

 

I just don't understand.

 

Here's how EVERY conversation should go:

 

Stranger: "So, when are you due?"

Me: "November 4th."

S: "That's so exciting.  You look fabulous!"

 

DONE. End of conversation.  If you must know how far along I am, then PLEASE respect that I've responded and provided you with that personal information, and respond with sensitivity and kindness.  Or at least a bit of thoughtfulness.  It's really not hard.

 

I am trying my best here.  I am huge, I am tired, I am achy, I am hormonal, I am emotional, and I have never done this before.  A little support and encouragement goes a long way - and the negative comments are really the last thing I need.



Jennifer B's Avatar Jennifer B 09:40 PM 07-13-2011

I've said this before in regard to other "people can be so stupid" posts - have, and PRACTICE, a come back that is outrageous. It's best if after you deliver the line you can turn and walk away.  Something that either makes their jaw drop or leaves them scratching their head.  I'm not good with coming up with these - the only one I can come up with right now is "Actually, it's quints!" 

 

Anyone else have ideas for a good comeback when people comment about how huge you are?

 

I am on bedrest so I am not exposed to strangers making these comments - but my mom sure likes to make them when she sees me.  I know that she doesn't intend to be rude, but it still bothers me.

 


IwannaBanRN's Avatar IwannaBanRN 09:53 PM 07-13-2011

When a complete stranger asks if they can touch my belly I'll ask if I can touch theirs.


LiLStar's Avatar LiLStar 03:08 AM 07-14-2011

One of my friends commented on my FB belly pic that she's never that big until well into her 3rd tri! She's one who can get away with it, at least! HA. Anyway, at today's prenatal (23 weeks exactly.. 22w6d by the midwife's magic little wheel, even though she's going off the edd I provided to her.. figure that one out. Apparently some weeks last 8 days? My edd is on a wednesday, so wednesday is when I increase a week! Whatevs..) I measured a mere 21 weeks ;) Which I know means absolutely NOTHING, but it was still liberating. Like, haHA!! I'm NOT huge!


Chena4's Avatar Chena4 08:33 AM 07-14-2011

That's one reason why deleted my FB. People post rude stuff on your page. People shoud not say nothing if it's not "you look great". Any time people say something rude like that to me I think I'm going  to say back "You too" whenever its something other than "You look great!"


Jaimee's Avatar Jaimee 10:03 AM 07-14-2011

I'm sorry you're getting rude comments!  People always have something to say!  I'm usually the opposite (not showing very much) and I get the other side... "you need to eat more!"  "you're too skinny!  Feed that baby!"  Sigh...  There's just something about pregnancy that makes people feel as though they have the right to say and do things.  I really don't know what that is about.   When I see pregnant women I just smile.


dsb76's Avatar dsb76 10:15 AM 07-14-2011

Hi, I'm not due til early Dec but I expect I'll deliver early (twins) so I've been lurking here (hope you don't mind).  I've taken to saying I'm due "late fall" when asked my due date.  It is technically true and if I say December people look at me like I have two heads and I feel obligated to tell them I'm having twins which leads to even more questions.  Really I shouldn't have to even talk to strangers in the supermarket.  I've thought about lying to strangers about my due date to avoid questions but that seems like bad karma and I really want these guys to stay put as long as possible.


dashley111's Avatar dashley111 10:43 AM 07-14-2011

Ive actually taken to NOT telling people when Im due.  When they ask, I answer "In the fall."  Lets face it, most of the people who ask have NO business knowing my business anyways.

 

I was tired of the comments also.  This is my THIRD baby.  If im not worried about my size, other people shouldnt be either!


MrsKatie's Avatar MrsKatie 12:13 PM 07-14-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by dsb76 View Post
I've thought about lying to strangers about my due date to avoid questions.


I know what you mean!!! I've thought about pushing my due date ahead, too... like maybe I'll say I'm due mid-October, cause hey, I'll be full-term (37 weeks) by then, and baby could come in mid-October... I just don't understand how people utterly lose their social graces when it comes to this topic!


kaypea's Avatar kaypea 12:15 PM 07-14-2011

I am 23w 4d, and I've been showing pretty obviously for at least a couple of weeks. Likely more. But daily I get the "Oh! I didn't even know you were pregnant!" comments, or things along the lines of that I am hardly showing at all. But seriously, it's a belly, and I'm measuring right on. I have big boobs, so the poor bump looks small in comparison with someone with a similar belly size and smaller boobs, but still. It makes me feel fat, and I hate having those negative body image thoughts. Ugh.


yogamum12's Avatar yogamum12 07:50 PM 07-14-2011

I am having the opposite problem.  A few co-workers are telling me I am not very big for how far along I am.  Then my aunt mentioned I was pretty small and last pregnancy I was much bigger (even though I weigh more this preg).  So many friends/family members were mentioning my size I was starting to get paranoid about it.  I had my dr. appointment Wednesday and she had to measure me twice because I am measuring large.  What the heck? 


Abraisme's Avatar Abraisme 08:24 PM 07-14-2011

I try to take people's perceptions about these things with a grain of salt.  When I was about 6mo pregnant with my DD I had one lady tell me how small I was and another lady ask me if I was about to pop, both in the same day..  People really have no idea and are mostly trying to make conversation. 

 

I agree though.. The only thing that people should say is, "Congrats, you look great".


jasmin85's Avatar jasmin85 10:37 AM 07-15-2011

I'm at the point where strangers are positive that I'm pregnant and will ask when I'm due or what I'm having...so far the negative comments only seem to come from my family; "You're HUGE!"  "I'm SURE there's more than one in there!" and my favorite from my grandma, "That's how big I was when I gave birth to your mother.".  Yeah, thanks.  "I only gained 15 pounds."  OK.  Well, my midwives say not to pay attention to the scale but just eat healthy and get some exercise and it wouldn't be surprising to gain 30-40 lbs and still be healthy.  "I don't see how 'gain as much weight as you want as long as you're being healthy' could be healthy...Well, I just hope you don't get as big as last time."  Thanks again.  ::sigh::

 

I know she/they mean well, but really?  I much prefer the "your belly is adorable!" comments...


MrsKatie's Avatar MrsKatie 11:19 AM 07-15-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by numbersbyjasmin View Post

I'm at the point where strangers are positive that I'm pregnant and will ask when I'm due or what I'm having...so far the negative comments only seem to come from my family; "You're HUGE!"  "I'm SURE there's more than one in there!" and my favorite from my grandma, "That's how big I was when I gave birth to your mother.".  Yeah, thanks.  "I only gained 15 pounds."  OK.  Well, my midwives say not to pay attention to the scale but just eat healthy and get some exercise and it wouldn't be surprising to gain 30-40 lbs and still be healthy.  "I don't see how 'gain as much weight as you want as long as you're being healthy' could be healthy...Well, I just hope you don't get as big as last time."  Thanks again.  ::sigh::

 

I know she/they mean well, but really?  I much prefer the "your belly is adorable!" comments...


I know!!! Why is that so hard?!?

 

Sucks that your family is being so lame when it comes to the comments.  As far as your grandmother goes, I'm not totally surprised... my husband's grandmother (mine are both deceased) always has a comment about my size.  When our grandmothers were pregnant, though, times were so different.  They were barely supposed to gain any weight.  I think back in the day the recommendation was like 8-15 pounds.  When we first announced my pregnancy, the very first thing DH's grandmother said was "Now be sure to keep your figure as long as you can."  Such different priorities than we have.  Regardless, I don't get it.  What do people gain from talking about our size this way?

 


Abraisme's Avatar Abraisme 12:43 PM 07-15-2011

I must say that I've known more people that have gained 40-60lbs during pregnancy than the standard 25-35lbs.  I have always gained at least 45-50lbs, while exercising and eating a super healthy diet.  It's just what my body does.  I'm on the same track to gaining 50lbs again (I'm almost 22w and have gained 21lbs).  I've always lost it quickly pp, my body seems to need to extra weight to breastfeed.  I strongly feel that it can be healthy to gain more than the "standard recommended amount".
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by numbersbyjasmin View Post

I'm at the point where strangers are positive that I'm pregnant and will ask when I'm due or what I'm having...so far the negative comments only seem to come from my family; "You're HUGE!"  "I'm SURE there's more than one in there!" and my favorite from my grandma, "That's how big I was when I gave birth to your mother.".  Yeah, thanks.  "I only gained 15 pounds."  OK.  Well, my midwives say not to pay attention to the scale but just eat healthy and get some exercise and it wouldn't be surprising to gain 30-40 lbs and still be healthy.  "I don't see how 'gain as much weight as you want as long as you're being healthy' could be healthy...Well, I just hope you don't get as big as last time."  Thanks again.  ::sigh::

 

I know she/they mean well, but really?  I much prefer the "your belly is adorable!" comments...



 


Paigekitten's Avatar Paigekitten 01:05 PM 07-15-2011

I already weigh as much with this pregnancy as I did at 40 weeks with my first, and I'm showing a lot more then I did so I get all these comments like, "That's going to be a big baby!" and "Are you sure your not having twins?"  I just kinda laugh along, but baby is measuring spot on, so uh, yeah, that's just my fat, no baby involved...


IwannaBanRN's Avatar IwannaBanRN 05:29 PM 07-15-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Paigekitten View Post

I already weigh as much with this pregnancy as I did at 40 weeks with my first, and I'm showing a lot more then I did so I get all these comments like, "That's going to be a big baby!" and "Are you sure your not having twins?"  I just kinda laugh along, but baby is measuring spot on, so uh, yeah, that's just my fat, no baby involved...


I TOTALLY get it! lol I am really looking forward to being 30+ weeks pregnant so no one sees my fat, just my belly. lol My DP shakes my belly and says he's trying to wake up the baby, but all that happens is my fat jiggling all over and it's so gross to me. lol Not sure how much I've gained. I know it's more than 10 lbs, cuz almost a month ago, it was 10 lbs that I'd gained. Hmm.....
 

 


KeanusMomma's Avatar KeanusMomma 07:01 PM 07-15-2011
the other day my coworkers (2 young guys that don't know any better) made some comments. I try to take "you're getting bigger!" well, but these dudes just took it too far, imo. They started joking around as if I was just fat and asked me what I had been eating, etc. I got a lil paranoid and made sure one of them knew I was prego since he and I hadn't talked about it before. Then while I was on a delivery I started crying a little. I know they were joking, I totally get it, but still....people should be more tactful. I suppose I can't expect young single guys to understand women's body image struggles, but you never call a woman fat! Pregnancy is no exception!
IwannaBanRN's Avatar IwannaBanRN 07:17 PM 07-15-2011

That's so sad! I would have had half a mind to punch one of them in the mouth for that. Sometimes their knowledge of how a woman views body image has to be "instilled" in them before they get their wife or girlfriend pregnant. lol


dashley111's Avatar dashley111 09:46 AM 07-16-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by KeanusMomma View Post

the other day my coworkers (2 young guys that don't know any better) made some comments. I try to take "you're getting bigger!" well, but these dudes just took it too far, imo. They started joking around as if I was just fat and asked me what I had been eating, etc. I got a lil paranoid and made sure one of them knew I was prego since he and I hadn't talked about it before. Then while I was on a delivery I started crying a little. I know they were joking, I totally get it, but still....people should be more tactful. I suppose I can't expect young single guys to understand women's body image struggles, but you never call a woman fat! Pregnancy is no exception!


Eugh.  Spoken from 2 men (or boys) who never had pregnant significant others, for sure!


birdhappy85's Avatar birdhappy85 09:38 PM 07-16-2011

I think when people see a pregnant woman, they lose their inhibitions and forget to censor themselves. I can't believe the things people blurt out without thinking, lol.

 

My grandma is just like some of you have described yours. When I finally worked up the motivation to take my first pregnancy photos to share with friends and family via email, I was 16 weeks along and super proud of my still early but noticeable baby bump! It was clearly a total baby bump, NOT an increase in belly fat. Most people responded saying how cute my bump looked and how much I was glowing and they wanted to see more pics. But my grandma responded with some exclamation about how big my belly was getting and, "Make sure you're watching your calories. I'm sure you are being careful and know this already, but it's a lot harder to lose excess weight after the baby is born. Love you!"

 

I was like..... duh.gif Really? REALLY?! I laughed out loud at the absurdity of someone telling a pregnant woman to watch her freakin' calories!!!! And the real kicker is that I had only gained 5 pounds by week 16 when I took those photos, so I couldn't tell if she was trying to imply I looked like I gained a bunch of weight or if she was just making a statement as a precaution. I'm slightly overweight to begin with, so maybe she just forgot how I looked prior to the pregnancy? LOL. I have no idea. It'll stick with me, though, as one of the most insensitive things someone has said. When my very petite sister was pregnant years ago, my grandma couldn't comment enough about how great she looked with her weight gain and encouraged her (well yeah, duh, because she had a severe eating disorder before getting pregnant and needed to gain weight!). I love how on the flipside of things, I'm told to watch my calories. Especially when I had trouble even eating enough in my first trimester because of food intolerances and aversions. Oy vey. I'm taking people's comments with a grain of salt now, even though they initially sting. My emotions can only handle so much insensitivity while pregnant, lol.


Abraisme's Avatar Abraisme 10:05 PM 07-16-2011

Oh yes, it's true.  I was waiting in line (a long line) to use a bathroom last week when all the women around me felt the need to share their birth stories with me.  Like seeing a pregnant women is some sort of free ticket to share you life stories.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by birdhappy85 View Post

I think when people see a pregnant woman, they lose their inhibitions and forget to censor themselves. I can't believe the things people blurt out without thinking, lol.



 


birdhappy85's Avatar birdhappy85 03:55 AM 07-17-2011

ROTFLMAO.gif OMG I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who has heard the most intimate details of complete strangers' birth stories. And I just LOVE when people share their "childbirth gone wrong" stories that ended in unnecessary inductions and c-sections. I know that sometimes these procedures are completely warranted and I would never talk negatively about anyone willingly or unwillingly going those routes! But besides my mom's c-section stories because her babies were breach, I've heard so many others that were clearly unnecessary and it's unfortunate how many women say that after a few hours of labor or one sign of "distress" they were told they had to move things along faster and still believe they were given accurate information... One coworker of mine was induced several times because the first few times didn't get things moving "fast enough", then she had an epidural that failed because it was leaking behind the bed and several anesthesiologists couldn't figure out for the longest time why she wasn't numbing up... and then after a hellish day of labor, she was rushed to c-section because they couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat at one point. Turns out that the baby was never in distress; it was just the position they had my coworker in while laying on the hospital bed that caused the problem! Once they got her prepped and into the OR, the heartbeat was fine but they had already prepped her so they just did the c-section anyway. duh.gif I'm never sure if the really bad horror stories of childbirth are shared with us pregnant women to scare us or.... what? That's like telling someone who is about to go into surgery that you had the same surgery years ago, it was the longest, most horrific and painful experience of your life, etc etc! And once they stare back at your in horror, you reassure them, "But it's TOTALLY worth it and you'll forget all about the bad parts once it's over with!" (Yeah, because these people CLEARLY forgot and that's why they're telling me what happened ver batim......... lol.gif)

 

But I shrug it off and tell people each time that I'm excited for childbirth and am eager to try things naturally. I might be eating my words during the actual event, but this is my first time around and I'm not going to let people scare me or deter me from doing what my husband and I really want to do! Everyone should experience things for themselves and do what's right for them. smile.gif


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