Anyone else have to turn down unwanted "help"? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 6 Old 10-25-2011, 09:59 PM - Thread Starter
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I know we are trying to move to the social group, but I'm not approved yet and need to vent. I can't vent on facebook, my mom will read it there.


Seriously, I know that my aunt meant well and I love her very much and I'm sure SHE was great help when her grandchildren were born, but today my mom told me that my aunt (her sister) told her that she needs to come and stay with us prior to the baby being born so that she can be here to watch the kids when we need to go and then stay and help out after the baby comes. In theory, sure. If my sister, say, could come, I'd love that because my sister is actually helpful to me.


My mother decided she should listen to her sister so she told me she would come then gave me basically a list of demands to be met, starting with she needs a CLEAN bed (the implication being that my kids sleep in filthy ones I guess?) in a room with NO rodents. See, two of the kids have pet mice and we have three guinea pigs. now, i clean the cages regularly and i know that studies have shown that kids with pets actually have a lower incidence of allergies that kids who grow up without them. However, to hear her tell it, they cause allergies, are nasty, attract roaches, rats and have fleas (I have none of the above in my home) and it's unhealthy for our children to have them in their rooms. And it will somehow hurt the baby once she arrives, that we have them. Even though the baby won't be sleeping in any room that contains a pet (well, the dog does sleep in her box right next to our bed). When I pointed out to her that none of my children have allergies (she seems stuck on the dander aggravates alleriges issue) she actually snapped at me and said, "would you care if they did?" Well...uh...yeah...duh, like I would force my kids to have a pet that made them miserable. No one in our home has allergies, every pet we have was begged for, waited for, and is loved, petted and cared for. Even the mice, they are very tame and the kids let them crawl up their arms and sit on their shoulders. We have exactly two mice and three guinea pigs and they live spread out in three different rooms with three different kids. She makes it sound like my children are sleeping WITH the mice. 


First of all, I'm not inclined to rearrange my home, but I might do it, if I really wanted her to come. But whatever amount of help she would be will not make up for the stress she will cause both me and dh. She will spend the whole time telling us what we are doing wrong, how we are doing it wrong and how we should be doing it. She will lecture, she will belittle our beliefs and our child rearing practices and she will try to change everything. If we disagree, she will get upset, say she's being attacked, go all drama queen on us etc. and declare she is only trying to help. 


At my baby shower she explained in great detail, like we didn't understand english, how to defrost our freezer. We know how, we've done it plenty of times, but it does need it again and we know that all on our own, but yet she spent 15 min explaining to us WHY it needed to be done...........ARRRGGH, I cannot deal with that shit while i'm hugely pregnant and already cranky, much less do I want negativity and bad feelings around my newborn. Sigh. 


Trying to think of a NICE way to say hell no!


oh yeah, she only lives 15 minutes away, its not like she couldn't come over every day, there is no need for her to take over one of my kids rooms, really. She wont though, she always says she's gonna come over every day and help and it never lasts more than two or three days. Then she starts complaining about all the gas she's using, how tired she is and how much work it is. I'd rather just not have the help, honestly. 

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2003) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness
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#2 of 6 Old 10-28-2011, 11:44 AM
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I'm so sorry your membership had not been approved promptly.  For some reason the system is no longer sending me PM's telling me that there are pending members!  I just checked after seeing your post and there were about 10 pending members!  Yikes!  I have approved your membership, so please feel free to copy and re-post in the social group for more support!

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#3 of 6 Old 11-07-2011, 08:56 PM
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That sounds SOOOOOOOOO frustrating.  I had pet rats growing up and people are just unreasonable about mice and rats.  


I can't blame you for not wanting her to stay with you!  I wouldn't want someone like that in my house either!


I guess the nicest way I could think of is "having a house guests would be more stressful then helpful, but thanks for the offer"

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#4 of 6 Old 11-07-2011, 09:25 PM
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Why do you need a "nice" way to tell her?  She obviously wasn't so "nice" in inviting herself over, and adding a list of demands on top of it.  I would just say "Thanks, but no thanks Mom. You're close enough that if I change my mind, I will let you know."  And then keep repeating as many times as necessary.   Don't explain or justify it, it'll just give her more room to argue.  And then lock your doors if you think she'd be the type to pop over unannounced and uninvited.

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#5 of 6 Old 11-07-2011, 11:32 PM
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What Lisa said.  Totally. Protect your space mama! ;)

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#6 of 6 Old 11-13-2011, 09:51 AM - Thread Starter
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I told her that both my sil and fil live closer and we've already made arrangements! And to be honest, hauling the kids with us and having a relative pick them up from there really wouldn't be a big deal. 


I am proud of myself, I said no and didn' t even cause an argument doing it! I have heard horror stories from other mommas, I have a friend whos mil showed up when the baby was born and expected to be waited on and cooked for! That's insane, anyone who comes after a baby is born is suppose to be the one helping out by cooking and cleaning! Or at least that's what I thought!

~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2003) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness
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