Using Respectful Adoption Language - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 74 Old 03-16-2009, 01:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lauren View Post
Should we include this link in addition to Sierra's guide, in our sticky?

http://www.adoptioncouncil.org/resou...ion_terms.html
I agree with the others that this is not a good site to link to. As an adoptee, I would request that this forum avoid using information/propaganda from the National Council for Adoption (NCFA). This organization actively fights against any changes to state adoption laws that would allow adult adoptees to have access to their Orginal Birth Certificates or would otherwise help adult adoptees and birthparents reunite. Although the NCFA claims that the are "serving the best interests of teh child", this organization fails to realize that children grow up and that adults are able to determine their own best interests. This is not an organization that respects all triad members.

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Mom to an amazing little guy, age 9 (Autism, Hyperlexia, Dyspraxia, Albinism, Chromosome Microdeletion)

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#62 of 74 Old 03-16-2009, 01:42 PM
 
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Originally Posted by caro113 View Post
Here is my question though, what exactly is wrong with saying "our birthmom" in some situations? Of course she doesn't belong to anyone, but we say things like "my flight" and "Oh, that's my grocery store" without ever implying that they belong to us.
Grocery stores and flights are things that can be used by many people. Birthparents are not.

As an adoptee, I would find it very strange and unsettling if my adoptive parents referred to MY birthmother as "our birthmom". She isn't their birthmom; she's mine.

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#63 of 74 Old 03-16-2009, 08:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Momma Aimee View Post
JMO

tone and respectful content is more importnat than the terms ..

it is too easy to get caught up in the "legalism" of the correct or incorrect term.

what matters is how people treat each other.

jsut me

Aimee
That is me! I don't even call her anything in reference to that but just call her by her real name. For me I am the mom to my girls!

Mamma to identical twin girls (June, 2006 born at 30 weeks), new bundle of joy due August, 2011
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#64 of 74 Old 03-16-2009, 11:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Lollybrat View Post
I agree with the others that this is not a good site to link to. As an adoptee, I would request that this forum avoid using information/propaganda from the National Council for Adoption (NCFA). This organization actively fights against any changes to state adoption laws that would allow adult adoptees to have access to their Orginal Birth Certificates or would otherwise help adult adoptees and birthparents reunite. Although the NCFA claims that the are "serving the best interests of teh child", this organization fails to realize that children grow up and that adults are able to determine their own best interests. This is not an organization that respects all triad members.

My apologies, again, for suggesting this link! We can let it go for sure....


 
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#65 of 74 Old 03-17-2009, 08:51 AM
 
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I haven't been on that website for a really long time and had forgotten how truly scary it is. Whew.

Yep, definitely drop that one.
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#66 of 74 Old 03-20-2009, 01:08 AM
 
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The last 4 pages have been an interesting and informative read.... I appreciate this thread as a newcomer to this board and would have loved if there had been a sticky that someone could have referred me to earlier. There is just so much to learn in all of this, so much to consider.

I for one as a newcomer to this board would prefer to be corrected on terminology by a moderator. I wouldn't feel as tho I were being called into the principals office etc

I totally value the community of MDC and the experiences of people on this board. However, IMO a moderator can correct terminology in a much less biased way than people who have perhaps been negatively affected by that terminology. A moderator can simply say - "this word isn't the best to use and here's why" whereas there is the potential for a lot more emotion when someone who has perhaps been hurt by those terms tries to make a correction.

In any case, I think it's important to correct terminology, not the assumptions that go along with terms. Like a pp said, many of us newbies here don't hold common assumptions that go along with terms. Those are simply the only terms we have heard.

I think it's sort of like if a person from a non English speaking nation were in the US for the first time and barely spoke English and heard a racial slur. Maybe they don't know that that particular term is derrogatory, so they use it in conversation. Someone makes the assumption that because they have used that term that they believe "xyz really bad things" about a particular race. Huge assumptions are made about this person based on a term they used in complete ignorance.

One could correct that term "we don't use that word and here's why" but it would take a very unbiased person to do this gently and to separate assumptions about the person from the terms as it is an emotionally loaded issue. Someone who was a part of that race or who had been hurt by that terminology in the past would have a *much* more difficult time correcting that terminology in a gracious, gentle, non offensive manner.

So in short, my vote is for posts to be flagged and a moderator to PM the person. A moderator is by nature supposed to be someone unbiased and who can speak to an issue w/o being emotionally attached and making assumptions.


Just my 2 cents worth...
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#67 of 74 Old 03-20-2009, 10:34 AM
 
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I really like the sentiments of attached mama.

I just thought I would say where our family is at in terms of respectful adoption language. My kids are a little bit older, and interestingly, they have some pretty formed opinions about what feels comfortable to them. Adoption language has evolved since we first began our journey, which has been interesting for us as a family. We have always modeled respect, caring, and love, regardless of the language, but that's been our main point of reference. And, our adoptions are open, so we have real people and relationships to attach these feelings and language to, which is nice. It's interesting though how kids will let you know what feel authentic to them, or not. So we're in a place of being open to what our children feel and want to say. I'd guess that this will change as they grow and mature into young adults as well.
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#68 of 74 Old 03-21-2009, 01:00 AM
 
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I have not been "spanked" for a language violation that I can remember, but I will say that I have witnessed it here. And there have been times when there is a mama posting with a recent or a long line of them in her siggy, and I feel ashamed of how she is treated, obviously being new to the whole idea of adoption as well as probably traumatized.

I don't know how it feels to miscarry or to be a birthmother/first mother/expectant mother thinking of placing, but I respect that they must all be incredibly difficult, and I don't really judge one as being harder than the other, or one hurting person being more "worthy of protection" than another.

So I would definitely vote for having language infractions dealt with by the mods.
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#69 of 74 Old 03-21-2009, 10:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Leatherette View Post
I have not been "spanked" for a language violation that I can remember, but I will say that I have witnessed it here. And there have been times when there is a mama posting with a recent or a long line of them in her siggy, and I feel ashamed of how she is treated, obviously being new to the whole idea of adoption as well as probably traumatized.

I don't know how it feels to miscarry or to be a birthmother/first mother/expectant mother thinking of placing, but I respect that they must all be incredibly difficult, and I don't really judge one as being harder than the other, or one hurting person being more "worthy of protection" than another.

So I would definitely vote for having language infractions dealt with by the mods.

Yes to all of the above.

Maybe just generally we could discontinue the use or idea of being "spanked", as long as there is discussion of respectful language? I have to say that I am extremely uncomfortable with the term, and it doesn't quite seem to fit a NFL board. There's a connotation of either giving or receiving violence as a way to get a point across, or learn something, that doesn't feel right to me. Maybe it's just me, but I thought I'd put it out there.
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#70 of 74 Old 03-22-2009, 01:59 PM
 
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I think it would be good to try to tie this up a little bit. Sierra wrote some nice guidelines that I could incorporate into the Adoptive/Foster parenting forum guidelines.

Sierra are you ready for me to stick those?

While I'm hearing that not everyone agrees that the moderator should gently direct new members to the forum guidelines and guidance on respectful language, most folks feel that this might be a good choice.

I guess we can try it and see how it goes and revise later if needed.

 
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#71 of 74 Old 03-22-2009, 03:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by lauren View Post
Sierra are you ready for me to stick those?

No. I went away unexpectedly the second half of the week, but am back in town now...have internet again. I'll try to do all edits this evening so it is ready by tomorrow (Monday).

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#72 of 74 Old 03-22-2009, 07:56 PM
 
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Would anyone mind us adding one that is foster care/foster adoption related? The term that absolutely bothers me more than almost anything else is relatives "coming out of the woodwork." No matter what the circumstances are, they are people not roaches. I don't think I've seen it here but I've seen it used probably a dozen times in the past few days on other lists/boards.
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#73 of 74 Old 03-24-2009, 10:58 PM
 
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Alright, I did a quick edit to add in some of the additional issues that have been brought up and to quickly correct some of my spelling. There may be additional grammar errors, etc. or sentences that could be written more clearly. If so, please post. This is all I had time for at the moment. In the meantime, I'd say this is good enough to sticky for now.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#74 of 74 Old 03-25-2009, 02:44 PM
 
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I copied Sierra's post into the Forum guidelines, changed the title of the forum guidelines, and added an exclamation point.

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=646665

Let me know if any of you have any additional feedback re: this sticky to make it clearer.

 
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