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#31 of 49 Old 05-10-2009, 09:34 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Polliwog;13721600]

If I get to adopt Polliwog (we'll know more on Tuesday,) I'd planned on changing the spelling of her first name to match it's pronunciation (which isn't even close) and giving her a middle name (since as far as I know, it's just an initial.) BUT... it doesn't roll off of my tongue. It's got a "V" in the middle and it's hard for me to say clearly (probably a speech or dental related thing, I'm not sure which.) So, while the adjusted spelling looks beautiful and even sounds nice, I'm not sure I could keep it. After all, a parent should be able to easily say her child's name. So, I may end up moving it to her middle name and giving her a new first name.QUOTE]

I've read some of your posts before...wondering how you actually pronounce her name if its not said as written. Jut been wondering....
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#32 of 49 Old 05-10-2009, 10:20 PM
 
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Polliwog isn't her real name (in case you didn't know, it's hard to read tone) and her real name is spelled one way but pronounced another. Well actually, the last half is pronounced conventionally but the first syllable isn't. Hard to explain.
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#33 of 49 Old 05-10-2009, 11:17 PM
 
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Is it a Gaelic name? I recently had a child interview for my daycare and her name was Soiban....now if I look at it I want to say "soy ban"....but it's supposed to be pronounced Shavaughn.

Heather married to my highschool sweetheart 6/7/02 :cop: Mother to Dani age 14 and Timmy age 10 Nadia 1/29 :
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#34 of 49 Old 05-10-2009, 11:28 PM
 
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We had most of our daughter's name picked out, but we always said we'd use her Vietnamese name as her 2nd middle name. She didn't come to us with a name from her birthparents (well, she did, I'm sure, but there was no record of that name). The name she did have was given by the police officer that found her, and it was the Vietnamese version of "Jane Doe". So, I don't feel bad at all for having her name changed, but in the future, if she'd like to re-take on that name, she is free to have her name changed and we won't mind a bit.

~Brandon Michael (11/23/03), Jocelyn Lily Nữ (2/4/07, adopted 5/28/07 from Vietnam), Amelia Rylie (1/14/09), & Ryland Josef William (9/7/05-9/7/05 @ 41 wks). 
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#35 of 49 Old 05-10-2009, 11:38 PM
 
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Is it a Gaelic name? I recently had a child interview for my daycare and her name was Soiban....now if I look at it I want to say "soy ban"....but it's supposed to be pronounced Shavaughn.
Nope. Her mother is developmentally delayed (among other challenges) and we think she either spelled it the way she thought it should be spelled or the hospital spelled it wrong and she didn't correct them.
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#36 of 49 Old 05-11-2009, 01:17 AM
 
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Haven't read all of the posts, but even with bio children--some parents pick a name before the birth and that's "the name" where others HAVE to see the child to be sure the name "fits". I think adoptive parents are very similar (at least with young children).

For us, we have to see the child. We get it down to the one we really want, but we have to actually see the child before it's final--and we know it.

That being said, we've only been through this twice. Ds' name was HARD because it seemed dh and I could only possibly agree on one name and we struggled with it all the way through. It had been "the name" for years--so nothing else sounded right. But we got a 4-D u/s and suddenly I was willing to consider a name that was completely out of the question before. But he was born and sure enough, he has "thee name".

Our stbad was given up at birth and mom wanted no part of naming her--so legally, her first name is "BabyGirl". We had 3 names picked out when we went to see her. One was tossed immediately upon seeing her (she had a very clearly ethnic look about her and it was a very WASPy name) and it was a coin toss between the other two--so we let our son pick it.

But yeah--had to see them first.

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#37 of 49 Old 05-11-2009, 01:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Polliwog View Post
If I get to adopt Polliwog (we'll know more on Tuesday,) I'd planned on changing the spelling of her first name to match it's pronunciation (which isn't even close) and giving her a middle name (since as far as I know, it's just an initial.) BUT... it doesn't roll off of my tongue. It's got a "V" in the middle and it's hard for me to say clearly (probably a speech or dental related thing, I'm not sure which.) So, while the adjusted spelling looks beautiful and even sounds nice, I'm not sure I could keep it. After all, a parent should be able to easily say her child's name. So, I may end up moving it to her middle name and giving her a new first name.
Awwww... but if you kept it and corrected the spelling, she and BabyGirl's real names would rhyme!

Okay, okay... didn't mean to make light of a serious subject. I know this has been a hard decision for you. And really, I respect that it's a child's name and they should be entitled to it; but I also respect the idea that they are now part of your family and you as a parent should be able to name her as YOUR child vs. the name she was given.

Of course, I would be equally torn if BabyGirl had actually been given a name. And if Cookie comes back permanently--yeah, I'm going to be going through the same tug-of-war (although I CAN SAY her name).

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#38 of 49 Old 05-11-2009, 01:27 PM
 
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I just posted about DS's story so I won't repeat it.

It bothers me, probably disproportionately, when parents name children who are not yet theirs. I don't mean that it bothers me when parents say "If we are able to adopt a boy we'll name him Hugh Jr." but when they refer to a child by the name they intend to bestow.

To me, until they're either in your arms, or you're finalized (if you're adopting internationally and that comes first) they're still someone else's child. Calling them by their future name seems like another form of subtle pressure.

So, no "waiting for Suzie" type blogs, no referring to a baby by the name you hope to bestow when you're talking to a pregnant mama.

The best way I can describe how it creeps me out, is it's the same way I'd feel if my young teenager was dating guy who insisted on calling her by his last name, because after all one day they'd be married and that would be her name. It's just creepy, controlling, and not respecting who the person is at that time.
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#39 of 49 Old 05-11-2009, 01:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Momily View Post
It bothers me, probably disproportionately, when parents name children who are not yet theirs. I don't mean that it bothers me when parents say "If we are able to adopt a boy we'll name him Hugh Jr." but when they refer to a child by the name they intend to bestow.
. . . . . when you're talking to a pregnant mama.
I get that it would be really insensitive to, unless invited to, call an unborn child a name to/in front of an expectant mom. But I don't think there's anything wrong with holding on to and, even, using a name as part of the "concept" of the child for which you are hoping. There are so few things that feel "real" about being an expectant adoptive parent that I think having that one concrete thing that's "in your control"** could be really important.



** insofar as ANYTHING is in your control.

Wendy ~ mom to VeeGee (6/05), who has PRS, Apraxia, SPD, VPI, a G-Tube, 14q duplication, and is a delightful little pistol! I'm an English professor and a writer.
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#40 of 49 Old 05-11-2009, 01:57 PM
 
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I get that it would be really insensitive to, unless invited to, call an unborn child a name to/in front of an expectant mom. But I don't think there's anything wrong with holding on to and, even, using a name as part of the "concept" of the child for which you are hoping. There are so few things that feel "real" about being an expectant adoptive parent that I think having that one concrete thing that's "in your control"** could be really important.



** insofar as ANYTHING is in your control.

Okay... I'm an adoptive parent (although we're awaiting finalization--which SHOULD have been next week. She is already legally free and in our custody) and a bio parent. But as a bio parent, my pregnancy was such that we really spent the ENTIRE thing not knowing if that pregnancy would result in a child. U/s's every 2 weeks to even see if he was still alive--it was that serious.

At 14 weeks, we found out our bio's gender (since we're really of the ilk that needs to see them for naming purposes--I have no problem with people who aren't like this, it's just not us). People gave us a lot of crap for that (we have a lot of family that don't find out). But the bold portion up there really rings true for people who have no idea if and when they're having a child: you want something to cling to and make them "real". Something to connect. Something to create what would be in utero bonding on your parenting behalf.

But I do agree that perhaps making that a public thing could be insensitive--especially if there is no child that is already legally free and promised (by contract) to you. I have a bigger problem if that child is in a fost-adopt situation and is not already TPR'd and has an adoptive contract with the people calling them by that name. Too much can go wrong.

We had a potential fost-adopt situation and hated the name (at the time). We gave that child a nickname that we would be happy with for life. And in all fairness, the child's name was very unique and the mother's job dealt with the public and we were in the same county--so on some level, it DID protect mom's privacy. But we'd have done it any way because all of our kids (bio, foster, adoptive, furry) have nicknames.

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#41 of 49 Old 05-11-2009, 02:56 PM
 
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Just to clarify, I'm an adoptive parent, I totally get the desire for control.

I don't mean that parents shouldn't think about names or decide on names. I have always known that if I ever adopt or give birth to a little girl one of her names will be my mom's.

But there's a difference, I guess, in my mind between deciding on a name, and saying things like "if I ever have a little Mary, this will be her bedroom", or "I hope that this child will become our Mary" and using that name to refer to a specific child who has another name and another family, and who is not yet yours.

So, while I might know that if I adopt Lisa's baby I will rename her Mary, in speech and on the internet and probably internally I'd continue to refer to her as "Lisa's baby" or whatever name that Lisa has called her, until she's mine either legally or because I am parenting her (we went 4 years between first mom signing relinquishment and finalization, and I did call my child by his new name for all of those 4 years).
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#42 of 49 Old 05-11-2009, 04:41 PM
 
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I think it's okay if you have a name in your heart or something that's kept between you and your partner or close family, but yeah....telling an expectant mom what HER child's name will be when (if) you adopt? Creepy and rude. That's a lot of assumption and pressure placed on a woman in an already vulnerable position.

I've only met one foster family that creeped me out that way...they started calling a child by a different name because they planned to adopt him. In my mind, it was way too early to assume adoption (still early in the process), and changing names and assuming adoption was potentially very confusing and damaging for this little boy.

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#43 of 49 Old 05-11-2009, 04:47 PM
 
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way too early to assume adoption (still early in the process), and changing names and assuming adoption was potentially very confusing and damaging for this little boy.
Yeah. We did not start "the change" until we had already filed all of the paperwork toward adoption and it was clear that it would be finalized (about a year after she came to us). She wasn't having any contact at all with bmom either, so I think that made things different than if we were calling her that while her birthmom (at that point still legally her mother, though without visitation) was calling her the other name.

Wendy ~ mom to VeeGee (6/05), who has PRS, Apraxia, SPD, VPI, a G-Tube, 14q duplication, and is a delightful little pistol! I'm an English professor and a writer.
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#44 of 49 Old 05-12-2009, 12:04 AM
 
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To me, until they're either in your arms, or you're finalized (if you're adopting internationally and that comes first) they're still someone else's child. Calling them by their future name seems like another form of subtle pressure.
for like the first six months of my son's life, when he was still a foster child, we called him mostly "Baby". There was a high probability of being able to adopt, and yet he was not yet adopted. TPR occurred at four months and sometime in the next month or so I started calling him by the name we chose for him. I had to call him *something* other than "baby", and there wasnt a real point in calling him by his birthname since i knew i'd be changing it. From the time TPR took place, and finalization was about seven months. I dont see a problem in calling him our chosen name before finalization, since i knew almost certainly i'd be adopting. However, to avoid any weirdness or controversy, i did use him birthname in contact w/ the social workers or agencies, since that was still his legal name.

I think it also really depends on how much contact there is with the birthparent/family...my current foster daughter has a name i like very much, but if it was something i really hated, or was totally inappropriate, i think i'd come up with a related nickname or something generic ("Sissy" "missy" that sort of thing)...as she is still very much a foster child at this point (even though its been almost six weeks and no one has heard from her mom. ) But if her goal changed to TPR, no family stepped forward to take her, and the agency told me i would most likely get to adopt, i dont really see a problem in starting to get her used to a new name (though, as i said, in her case i wouldnt change it, i dont think.) If you wait until finalization, that could be a year or longer for some families. I also think the older the child is, the more you have to tread carefully, because you do want to make sure everything is certain before doing something as life changing as a name change. But i dont think it would have served my son well to wait until he was 11 months old to start calling him by name.

With domestic infant adoption...i can see how it might be weird to be calling what is essentially someone else's baby(before its born) by your chosen name, as if the baby is "yours"...but i also think that many parents are talking in the abstract...*that* baby is "Susie"...but maybe they would keep the name for the next baby, if the first adoption fell through, too. So "Susie" is simply the baby they will eventually adopt, if not now, then another time. Although, part of me gets a little weirded out by naming fetuses before they are even born (not naming them to yourself, but...like saying "Susie was being very active today!" or introducing yourself to someone, patting your belly and saying "And this is Susie, she's due next month")...i dont know why that weirds me out, but it does.


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#45 of 49 Old 05-17-2009, 12:11 AM
 
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we are aware of the little person we are hoping to adopt, and she has a beautiful name, but it rhymes with ds's name and it's really hard to say the two names together. Her (now deceased) mama's name is a name I have always loved, and I would like to make that her first name, and keep her original first name as her middle name. If we do this, her name will also be very similar to my dd's name (similar in 'type' of name for first name, almost identical names for middle names) and it just feels more cohesive and inclusive and planned and family-ish with the name shift. at the same time, she's going to be almost two when I first meet her, so if we do decide that it would be ok to shift her names around, we'll probably use both for a while and slowly use the new first name more than the original. Unless of course it just doesn't seem like a good idea once I meet her, then we'll just leave her very cute name as is...

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#46 of 49 Old 05-18-2009, 12:56 AM
 
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I haven't read all the other responses yet, but here's my two cents.

*If* we're blessed enough to adopt our dfd, who's almost 1 yo, would be moving to trial late summer/early fall, I would keep her first name and change the middle and last. I wish I could say it was out of respect for the bio family, but honestly, it's more out of respect for her. In our case, I've been able to supply a decent amount of information regarding the instability of the bio parents to DHS. When the time comes, I will have to be open with my dfd and clearly explain all that has happened. In some ways, this has divided our friendship (bio mom and I - fictive kin placement). I guess I feel like baby will wake up one day and suddenly feel like, "Why were you trying to change everything about me? Why did you feel my parent's name for me wasn't good enough?" I don't want her to feel angry and confused, lost in her identity. I *do* want her to feel a connection to her mom when she grows older. As for the immediate future, she truly *is* her name. We have a stocking embroidered with her name, a plaque on the nursery wall with her name, and stuff stashed in her baby box with her name. How could I change it and erase all that history? As it is, we call her a shortened version of her longer (very beautiful) name, so we'll continue. As for the last name, if we are blessed enough to adopt her, we will change it. I struggle with this part, because her mother named her middle name to be a version of her own name (the mother's). But for that very reason, I feel like I want a change. She's very possessive over this baby, and I feel like having to say that name all the time will only return me emotionally to that over and over again. Besides, I feel she has been brought to us by the "Grace" of God anyways...so Grace would become a new middle name if we reach that stage.

This is a very difficult topic, and one that I think deserves case-by-case examination. No one answer is right in each situation.

 

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#47 of 49 Old 01-31-2011, 08:07 PM
 
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Wow, this thread has really made me think....I have an open adoption and it is a wonderful open adoption. We are very lucky. My sweet birthmom said that she wanted me to name the baby, but I did run the choices by her, but she DID want the baby to have her last name on the birth certificate, which was fine with me. I like the fact that the name he was born with with half contributed by me and half by her....I wonder if I should have pushed her more to contribute a name....well, I was very uncertain in the hospital, between two names, she preferred the name I didn't choose, but she was fine with it and loves his name now. I was lucky to get a crisp, clear color copy of his original birth certificate from the social worker that did our post adoption home study. I only  had two months to prepare, so we did it afterward....anyway, I now have that AND the new one. i wish we were able to keep his old birth certificate. I don't really get the idea of him having a new birth certificate, like we're wiping away his past, but it's the law and we needed it to get a social security card and passport. So he will have both in his box and will see both. His first name is, totally coincidentally, the same letter as his birth mom

and though it had nothing to do with my choice, I wonder, ina way, if I wasn't influenced by that. I think it's neat. 

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#48 of 49 Old 02-04-2011, 05:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Since I was the OP on this thread, I ought to go ahead and tell what ended up happening with Baby Bear's name as it is a really cool story.  Like I said on the OP we strongly considered letting his birth mom name him.  When we met her the first time before he was born, we found out that it was in fact really meaningful to her that she get to name him.  And then the name she picked happened to be a nice first name, combined with Hubby's own middle name (total coincidence)!  So she followed the pattern we already had set up with the other kids of using a family name for the middle.  It was so coll how it ended up working out!  is name is meaningful within our family AND it is special because she chose it for him.


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#49 of 49 Old 02-15-2011, 09:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPJJJ View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calee View Post
I have met so many birthmoms who were extremely grieved to learn that their child's name had been changed. Sure, it is an adoptive parents "right" to change the name, but it still hurt immensly. It was one gift they felt they could give their child, and it was taken away.

I have heard similar stories from adoptees. Even those in non-open adoptions. That they felt that part of their identity had been taken away-that one of the only things that their first parents could/did give them had been taken.
Unless the adoption happens because of neglect or abuse. I still have the name my Bowel Movement of a Birth Mother gave me, and I do not have the hundreds of dollars it will cost to have it changed, so I have been stuck with it for 20 some years... and I HATE it.

This woman almost killed me due to her careless and stupidity, and my adoptive parents thought I should keep the name I had come to know... (I was a year old), so instead of giving me a new name that meant something to them, I was cursed with keeping the name that meant something to HER. Most foster children want a new name with their new family. Adoption isn't always this beautiful thing where children actually want connection to their biological families. Keep that in mind.



This is a major reason why we did change VeeGee's name.  I wanted to give her a new start.  And, because, biologically, she is related to my husband, I wanted/needed to give her something from my side of the family.  So, she has my grandmother's name.  And she actually never self-identified until she had a new name.  Now, you can't even call her cute without her saying, "I'm not cute, I'm VeeGee!!!"

 

I guess the point is that there are different paths for every family.  Going into ANY situation, but adoption particularly, thinking things are iron clad, is dangerous, and sometimes heartbreaking. 


Wendy ~ mom to VeeGee (6/05), who has PRS, Apraxia, SPD, VPI, a G-Tube, 14q duplication, and is a delightful little pistol! I'm an English professor and a writer.
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