Really difficult question about parenting adopted children - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 33 Old 04-09-2010, 12:43 AM
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I guess I have to say I feel completely opposite as the mom mentioned in OP. My 1yo came from, for lack of better words, a very uneducated family. Not only the BM but the birth GM and the BF. The BM's little boy is 2.5 yrs old and his speech is not understandable hardly at all. Part of this may be nature but it also may be nurture. The BM admits that he goes to day-care from the minute it opens to the minute it closes 7 days a week, even on her days off so she doesn't have to deal with him. I AM NOT knocking/bad mouthing day cares but he doesn't get the individualized attention that he would at home.

With this in mind from the minute we were "matched" with this mom, DH and I decided that one of us would be with DD full time and I cut my hours down to 2 days a week so I can be her primary care giver. We constantly talk to her, play games with her, reinforce the words she can already say. We believe that our nurturing her can help overcome any of the "bad" nature that she might of inherited. So far it is working. At 13 months she knows a few signs but she also says about 10 words, and her speech is more understandable than her birth brothers who is a year and a half older.

Melissa, L&D RN now...aspiring midwife-2-B,
20yo DS, 7yo DD, almost 2 yo DD, 1yo GDD
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#32 of 33 Old 04-14-2010, 03:05 AM
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I am not sure if my experience has a vein of similarity running through it...but my daughter has had a lot of developmental and health issues due to her prenatal experience, and while I feel that I have gone the extra mile for her in many ways, there are certainly ways in which I am more slack than I thought I'd be. But I think this happens when you have more than one child, and it happens when you have a child with health issues - priorities change.

For example, my daughter did not gain weight for a year due to health and developmental issues, and I did let her eat what she wanted, whatever it was (there were some minimum standards as to what was in the house, but still - pasta and graham crackers exclusively for longer than I was comfortable with), to gain some weight. And I did have to maintain a facade of "not caring" about food to avoid power struggles with her over it, even though it was very anxiety-provoking for me.

Education: My daughter does not get as many enrichment opportunities (art, sports, dance classes) as many of her friends, as she will often not separate from me to go to anything that is not regular and familiar. If she will separate from me to go to school, that is enough for me. She also has a lot of appointments with specialists for her various health needs, which puts a crimp in enrichment.

My older son is in a highly gifted program, has had a lot of art classes, soccer, dance, etc., but that is not my daughter. He has more playdates as well, because they don't all end in meltdowns and he does not have any life-threatening illnesses/allergies. It may seem that she is getting "less", but she is getting what she can handle and what she needs. We think she is fabulous and gifted in many ways, but we are just ecstatic that she is "at standard" academically, given all of the hurdles she has had to jump. And my son is jealous that she gets to go to occupational therapy and play with all of the cool toys!

I don't think I intentionally give her less, nor is this an attitude I have seen in any of the many, many adoptive families I know. I treat both of my kids like gold, but I do meet them where they are at. Maybe you are misinterpreting, maybe she didn't come off as planned, maybe she's really strange....I don't know. Maybe she's just really tired - did you say she has a lot of kids?
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#33 of 33 Old 04-27-2010, 01:29 PM
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I havent read all the replies but wanted to respond with my experience.

We have 6 bio kids. Cloth diapered, organic feed, etc, etc.
We have 3 adopted kids. The 1st one was 2.5 when we got her, the other 2 came together at 5 and 2. Our 1st adopted dd was born addicted to meth, severely neglected, etc. When we got her she had MAJOR issues. We sought out professional help, plus started working on figuring out food issues. Our sibling set came with SEVERE abuse and neglect issues, food issues, the little one has brain damage from shaken baby, autism, and PICA. We have fought HARD to get them all the help they need to be able to progress, and make up for lost time, and to try to undo any previous "damage". They are feed the same as our bio kids, given any supplements that we think will help, along with anything else they need to become the best "they" they can be.

It makes my heart hurt to hear of a parent not doing all they can for any child they have been blessed with, no matter how they arrived into their family.

 Waldorf Mom to 8 blessings ~6 by birth and 2 by fost/adopt~
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