Adoption freeze urged after boy returned to Russia - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 04:07 PM
 
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Retreating is one thing. But becoming un-find-able and unresponsive when the very agency that helped you adopt this boy is trying to check in? That seems like something other than retreating.

And I do understand that when people are really upset and confused and scared, they sometimes do things that they can't later explain. But even the most scared, upset, confused parent - choosing to put a 7 yr old on a plane alone over even at some point earlier asking for help or telling the agency what was happening and asking for advice? That feels like much more than simply being overwhelmed and scared. It sounds like either irrational/unstable thinking, or totally selfish/unconscionable thinking.

And a couple posts back someone said this:
"It is almost as if this child wasn't what she wanted and so she thought she could return him like a pair of jeans for one that fit better... harsh... I know.
But, that is what it looks like if all we are told is true."

That is *exactly* the gut feeling I get from this. It will be very interesting to see what other facts come out.

Meanwhile my heart continues to break for all the families who were in the middle of the process and maybe had even bonded with their child-to-be and now are told it's suspended. Heartbreaking for all involved.
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#32 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 05:21 PM
 
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I don't get why the home study agency isn't being held accountable. To me, they have more blame since they're the ones who actually met with her and talked to her. The placing agency has a lot less contact with the ap than the home study agency.
I would guess she just set out to deceive them, which might not be hard to do. If the child has RAD, he might be perfectly charming and delightful to a stranger. It's often the case with RAD that outsiders think the adoptive parents are nuts to complain about a child's behavior, since those behaviors only surface in private, at home. If the mother was lying about everything being just fine, although for the life of my I can't understand why she would, it makes sense that the person doing the post-placement could be fooled.
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#33 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 05:32 PM
 
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Or, the RAD behaviors hadn't shown themselves at that point. I "think" the visit was back in January. That wasn't all that long after the child came home.

(Again, I'm not defending anyone.)
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#34 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 05:34 PM
 
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Polliwog, I do think you are right... some people retreat... I am one of those "types". I don't tell most people (even close ones) how I am feeling at my worst... we've all been there, at least I have been...ppd. But if you are at that very very bad place... you don't think, "I know what would make this better, get rid of him, and get a new kid."

For sure, we can't know what she was thinking or the emotional place she was in. Plus, some one did know... her mom. Don't you think her mom could have been rational enough to make a good choice?
Something is amiss. That what I am saying... in my previous post.

I will add... to my last statement... Either she isn't mentally unstable or she really thought she could get away with some thing OR WE AREN'T BEING TOLD EVERYTHING."

Thanks for hearing me out... just thoughts... and sadness and irritation.

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#35 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 05:48 PM
 
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The visit with no problems reported was in January, from what I read. He came home in September, so that is about 4 months. I know RAD doesn't always show right away. So sometime between then and March, when she wasn't returning calls or emails to her agency, things fell apart.

As far as putting him on the plane, I read somewhere that it was on the advice of an attorney from online, and one source said it was a Russian attorney (I can no longer find that reference and have not seen it since). If that is the case, I can see the thought process in seeking out a Russian attorney if he maintained duel citizenship and why one might suggest he be returned to Russian soil. But I don't understand why she didn't seek out psych help. Unless the one they consulted (but didn't take him to) said it was "normal" for Russian orphanage children or some such nonsense (you know, one of the uninformed who thinks all adopted kds are damaged goods with psychological problems) and they didn't think to talk to their SW because "everything was fine" a few weeks ago? I just want something to make sense...
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#36 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 05:53 PM
 
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I know. My brain has been trying to make sense of it since the story broke. And each piece of "information" that we get makes things even more confusing. And how do we really know how much of what we're hearing, from ANY source, is actually true.
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#37 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 05:58 PM
 
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I hope, whatever, it is, that the truth comes out as much as it can and that the process can be improved to be made safer.

One bit of good-ish news, I read on CNN was that although there is a lot of emotional limbo about current Russian adoptions, there is no official freeze in place right now. There are also some interesting quotes from Deborah Gray on the story.
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#38 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 06:10 PM
 
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Thanks for the CNN link, Carrie.

I do have a question that I've not found an answer. The cab driver/courier has said that the boy doesn't speak Russian. Has anyone heard this?
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#39 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 06:28 PM
 
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I read that at well, regarding the not speaking Russian. In one of the earlier articles I read, it stated that they were homeschooling him, and doing an intensive English language program. Perhaps he had lost his Russian already? Trying to remember what I read about how long the first language exists when not reinforced and a second is introduced. It was pretty quick. That might also explain the sudden outbursts, if he did not have the ability to communicate well in English AND could no long even express himself (even inf not understood) in Russian.

Is it just me, or did they completely isolate this kid and themselves (with family)? I mean, I know keep their circle small when they first come home, but this is starting to seem extreme. Internet lawyer, internet psychologist, sheriff stating they were having trouble finding people that knew the family to speak to. No friends or neighers offered their opinion to the media? When does that happen?
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#40 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 06:34 PM
 
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I was thinking about her situation, just wondering what could have gone on in her head, and I think it's probably somewhere between "irrational/unstable" and the depressed/scared/etc. thoughts pp posted.

In our darkest time with dd (which was heavily, heavily under the influence of unbearable sleep deprivation), I remember having vents with my dh in the middle of the night. We both said things like "I wish we could blink and make all of this go away" or "I wish we could send her back and not have anyone know" ...Honestly, sometimes the feelings of potential embarrassment at having to face our failures in front of the public were stronger emotions than concern for dd. We were at a breaking point, just trying to get through.

I wonder if some of that was going on with this mom. That feeling of wanting her troubles to all go away, of wanting the easy way out, of wanting to "fix" her mistake without having to be accountable to friends, family, or the agency. It's all very irrational, and honestly I can't believe someone actually acted on those feelings, but in a way I can see *having* those feelings in difficult moments.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#41 of 47 Old 04-14-2010, 06:54 PM
 
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What a bizarre and sad situation/story.

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#42 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 12:11 AM
 
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It's an ugly mess, and it goes way beyond the adoption angle (a whole 'nother horror show). Children with RAD and other difficult-to-cure, difficult-to-endure psychological disorders are born right here in the USA every day, and their parents (birth or adoptive) often find that they basically have three choices: 1) keep living in daily misery and fear with a sociopath 2) kill or hurt my child 3) kill or hurt myself. NONE of those three choices are acceptable, although the government sure prefers it when people choose #1, or even some version of #3 that doesn't necessitate the involvement of social services.
That's not true, actually. I know several people who were having trouble with their teenaged (non adopted) children and went to DHS/CPS and asked for the child to be removed from the home and and it was done. The families got support and the kids were put into residential treatment centers and eventually returned when things settled down.

Mom to 5 wonderful kids (9, 6, 4, 2 and 0), 1 adopted through foster care.

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#43 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 01:51 AM
 
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That's not true, actually. I know several people who were having trouble with their teenaged (non adopted) children and went to DHS/CPS and asked for the child to be removed from the home and and it was done. The families got support and the kids were put into residential treatment centers and eventually returned when things settled down.

There are ways to get help, agreed. I have had the unfortunate experience of helping a friend restrain, multiple times, and then admit to in-patient psych treatment her 7yo bio son for danger to self and others. He was on medicaid, and there was never a question or blip. With private insurance, it may be harder, I don't know. Even not knowing what I know about attachment/RAD, that experience made the statement by the Russion authority about a 7yo not being a danger ludicrous. I had the marks, bites, and bruises for weeks, as did his mother and younger brother. I am one of his absolute favorite people normally, and if he could have seriously hurt/killed me he would have. It is not an experience I would ever want to repeat. Living that would have been a nightmare--the weeks that I lived it peripherally gave me nightmares and anxiety. The only thing that I can think of that sort of makes this make sense is that she reached out and was ignored or judged or something, and she was gunshy to try again, and then got desperate fast. Even that doesn't fit completely with what the news story say (the G-ma seems so overly rational and calculated), but I guess I just can't believe that a rational non-desperate mom could just send her child away in that manner. I have to believe a Mom could not.
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#44 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 09:51 AM
 
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Russian adoptions officially suspended until an agreement can be reached.
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#45 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 09:58 AM
 
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What a nightmare for those people so close to having their children. My goodness.

My only hope is that this suspension is productive, and that in the future adoptions from Russia will be more straight-forward, and more open in terms of records and history.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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#46 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 10:17 AM
 
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My only hope is that this suspension is productive, and that in the future adoptions from Russia will be more straight-forward, and more open in terms of records and history.
That is mine as well.
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#47 of 47 Old 04-15-2010, 10:58 AM
 
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I have to admit that as an adoptee, my first reaction was total outrage and a weird sense of panic. It's funny--I'm 32 years old, was adopted when I was 3 months old, my family is the only family I've ever known, and feel totally and utterly secure in my family's love; yet the story made me feel oddly panicked and anxiety-ridden when thinking about that little boy's abandonment. I can only imagine that this whole experience will only make any future placement situation even more difficult for him to adjust to.

Obviously, you all make excellent points about RAD and the difficulties associated adopting a child afflicted by it, and you all know much more than I do about the current requirements and support for adopting today (whether internationally or domestically), and I've found it incredibly enlightening to read what you have to say about the mother's situation. It does help me have some perspective on what she may have been thinking/feeling (as far as we can glean from the news stories) and helps me be a bit more clear-headed and rational in my approach to reading these stories.

All that being said, however, I still find it unconscionable to dump a 7 year old on a plane with a note that basically says "oops, we want backsies."

Oy vey. What a mess.

I before E, except after C.  Weird.
DD: 8/2010.
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